Am I in an abusive relationship?

[jessemzie]

The very fact I am writing this questioning my relationship obviously rings alarm bells. But I feel I am married to a Jekyll and Hyde! My H is a hardworking man who has always provided for us, giving us stability and no money worries. The mortgage is always paid and bills and he leaves me full access to the bank (he doesn't have anything to do with it) never questioning where money is or what I've spent it on. He doesn't like me going out, he has always had an issue with this but deals with it in a passive aggressive way, he will just sulk and not speak to me making the atmosphere heavy before I am due to leave, he doesn't directly say 'I don't want you going out' but he makes me feel bad for going...if that makes sense!
He is very very moody, one day he's on top of the world, he comes home OTT and laughing but this is a rare occasion. Most of the time he walks in, starts moaning at the kids cos something is untidy and then starts sighing and sulking and causing an atmosphere. If one of my friends are visiting he makes them feel really unwelcome by ignoring them or just walking straight past without even saying hi. None of my friends like to visit me when he's around because of it. If my friends try and speak to him, he will be rude and cutting in his reply. I find this embarrassing. He is also rude when we visit shops to the assistants, if they mishear him and he has to repeat himself he will repeat himself in the rudest manor ever! I cringe!
He makes comments about how he can't wait until the kids grow and we can travel together and how in a few years we will do. He talks about the kids like they are a hinderance rather than something to enjoy. I really don't like that about him. I love my kids. My youngest who is 10, doesn't want to be around my H. He says he hates him cos he's always moody. If I say 'come on let's go to the park' my son is like yay! But then when he finds out his dad is coming too he changes and is like 'why does he have to come'
My H gives off moody vibes and speaks to people including the kids in a belittling manner. The reason I am questioning my relationship is because of how he acts, he doesn't consider me at all in his behaviours. I could be really poorly and he still wouldn't make me so much as a bite to eat or a drink! If he decides he wants a hug at 5:30am whether I've been up in the night or not, he wakes me for a hug. It infuriates me. He ignores the kids when they shout him, he's never made a meal in the 14 years we have been together. Doesn't want to do the things I want to do and if I suggest to do something he will make sure he shows no interest in it, but if he suggests something then we all have to be like 'yay this is the best day ever' !!
He manipulates me into doing things cos I'm kind, like making him drinks or fetching him things, sounds pathetic but it's draining.
He also demands hugs and kisses and if I'm not forthcoming he doesn't speak to me and makes me feel rotten.
I'm struggling to pin point the reasons I feel how I do cos he behaves in such a passive aggressive way... I'm not hit or yelled out but I feel like I'm not allowed to be me...
can anyone else relate to this?

It doesn't sound like you're happy and the only good things you've said are that he financially provides for you.

If there's nothing else good about him then I don't think that's reason to stay in the relationship

Wow how do you cope?! Even the fact that you state he pays for everything at the beginning of the thread shows how he wants you to think of him. The big man who pays for everything and should be respected for this reason alone. Wrong.
I wonder how his father was, do you know?

There are other forms of abuse other than physical abuse. Emotional abuse and mental abuse for starters and I'd say he's guilty of both ... so yes, you're in an abusive relationship.
My exH was like this, bloody miserable sod, passive aggressive and manipulative. I couldn't tolerate it and ended the relationship - best thing I ever did. I felt like a weight had been lifted when it eventually came to an end.
It's no way to live.

I can't relate directly, but regardless of whether you classify it as abusive (many on here would though) or not, he doesn't sound like a nice person to be around.

Has he been like this from day one? Was he always a bit of a loner - had a very small social circle etc? Is there anyone he gets along with? I'm guessing not.

If it's not a sudden change in personality then I'm not sure what you could do here to "fix" this but perhaps a very frank talk pointing out why his behaviour's intolerable is in order. Couple's counselling might help give some structure to those conversations.

You should probably decide what you want to do if that doesn't have an effect. Can you live with this for the next X years? Are you really expecting that he'll suddenly change when the kids fly the nest? Would you find travelling with someone so moody any fun? I'm guessing not.

Thanks for your replies.

I'm worried as when ever we go on any kind of holidays we don't like the same things, so travelling with him worries me!

When I met him he was fun and full of energy, but in an OTT way, and it only lasted months but by then I was hooked! Our first holiday together wasn't particularly good... I should have realised then, but I fell for the fun loving guy I met back then...that was actually prob fake!

He will go one day not speaking to me to another telling me how much he loves me, sending me love songs and telling me how beautiful I am! It makes me question everything! But then I'm an intelligent person and I think maybe he does this to keep me.

He has now announced he can't go on a plane again as he had a panic attack, but my parents live abroad and I won't get to visit them again!! That means he will get his own way and we will all be going on camping holidays cos he can't fly. I don't believe the panic attack was that genuine either... I'm sure he won't encourage me to go alone!

He has no friends at all. He has work colleagues but he doesn't speak highly of them. He says he has no friends cos friends just let you down. I have loads of friends.

YES - you are in an abusive relationship.
As it's often said, judge a man by how he treats a waitress or a shop assistant.
Your 'D'H is horrible.
It's sounds exhausting.
It might be worth giving Womens Aid a call.
They can help you to understand this is abuse.
Also have a read of the Lundy Bancroft book, Why does he do that?
I do feel sorry for your DC though. This is not a healthy environment for them to grow up in and certainly not a good example to set them for what relationships should look like.

I don't think you are ready to LTB just yet.
But just posting is a bit step towards it.
The scales are falling from your eyes.
It's a good thing. Scary, but good.
If you do want to make steps to leave him then you will need to understand the legalities of where you would stand financially.
Let us know what you want to do as next steps and MN can guide you through it.

Yes, abusive.

He's trying to isolate you by being rude to your kids, friends and not getting on a plane to see your parents.

Start making plans without him.

Thanks for the feedback.

I know in my heart that I don't feel right and the way he behaves isn't right either so yes I think the reality of it is kicking in.

I do feel like I suffocated by him, like he demands my full attention and doesn't like it when my attention is else where, if that makes sense.

I hate the way he is rude to people. There is no excuse for rudeness in my opinion. I am bright friendly and a bubbly person, and I wouldn't ever speak to people like that!

In 11 years my parents have lived abroad I've visited them once!! ONCE! He always finds something else we can do instead and I always go along with it for an easy life. He likes camping and we travel abroad camping, but I would like to go to other places and see the world! This is a minor issue I suppose in the scheme of things.

I do feel trapped and I do feel like what ever I want is ignored or I let it be manipulated away from me and end up doing what he wants!

He's trying to keep you from seeing anyone you love, isn't he? So friends and family are out - you have to spend all your time with him.

Tbh I would've left him for the children's sake - he sounds really horrible to live with and as though they know they're not wanted.

What is keeping you there? Do you work?

When my daughter reached 10yo I saw what her life was like for her - treading on eggshells.
I explained to my xh & asked to go to counselling. In the second session when he showed his true colours to the counsellor (like a shop assistant?) she pointed his behaviour out, and that it was not ok.
He stopped going.
I divorced him.
I now live in my own house with DC and we all breathe easy ; we are lighter!!
Your description is EXACTLY mine. I was worried about leaving but then I found MN. Someone said to me - you don't need a reason to leave, or stay, it just has to be good enough for you.
And it's the best thing I ever did.
Leave him for your children xx

It all sounds very controlling. Everyone has their preferences for holidays etc but a good relationship involves compromises and it doesn't sound like he ever wants to make any.

I'm guessing 5:30 "hugs" is a euphemism for early morning sex, which he gets snarky if you don't allow? He stops you (subtly or not, the end result is the same) seeing your parents, is rude to friends and strangers alike, has no friends of his own, doesn't adapt to take your wishes into account and your kids are finding him difficult.

And you're in this because..?

I would also like to add that I feel like a section object too, he makes referrals to my boobs and bum all the time and if we don't do it for a week he will start with the passive aggressive sulking and how he's neglected. I feel annoyed when he wakes me up when he feels horny, or he sits on the sofa and tells me to take my top off!! He says he's joking but it makes me feel horrible...

Awful, and he's already having a detrimental effect on your ten year old, none of what you say is normal OP, he's a horrible nasty bully who is going to fuck up your kids mentally so leave for their sake if not your own; I don't know how you can even call this a marriage, it's basically a grown man expecting you and his children to dance to his tune every time.

Op I split from my H last year because of several of the same points you mention here. I ended up very ill with depression and anxiety in the end and my dd suffered.

You know he has to leave, don't you? It probably won't be easy but it has to happen now. Definately when your own child is severely affected.

None of you deserve this crap.

Just read your post about being a sexual object Same. I felt so badly about this that I was unable to be intimate at all eventually. So after that I was called "frigid" and that is what made him cheat several times.
These men are unkind and abusive and don't know what love actually is.

I do work yes, it would be a struggle but I know I can do it. (Ish)

When ever I tell him how he's behaving or how his behaviour makes me feel he cries and tells me I'm his life and how he has nothing to live for other than me! He sobs and begs to give him a chance.

I always feel guilty and stay. He also sobs dead loud so everyone hears and feels sorry for him.

I don't want my kids to hate me cos I've broken their dads heart and I'm scared of that! I question the relationship cos I think is this normal?

I too tread on contact egg shells and so do the kids. I suffer with severe anxiety and also now have gastritis which flares up real bad with my nerves. I don't want to be at home when he's here and I get a sinking feeling when he comes home from work...

I know it's all not right 😞

I'm only here cos I feel rotten for hurting him. Cos I'm a nice person. That's it really 😭

There is no doubt he is abusive. Google wheel of emotional abuse. I'm sorry you are living like this, he sounds horrendous :(

jessie the crying is terribly, terribly manipulative - he knows you are kind and doubt yourself so he is exploiting this - please do not feel guilty anymore . Today onwards you are going to start planning a way out of this for you and your children's sake. His behavior is damaging.

Walking on egg shells is a sure fire sign you are in an unhealthy / probably abusive relationship

You describe not being able to 'be you'

That's what these relationships do to you.

It's hard, but take your time and start to really collect your thoughts and true feelings about this situation. Starting a process of allowing yourself to feel what you really feel will lead you to the right solution - but you gotta allow yourself to do it, authentically, and that may be much harder than you think if you have been supressing your true feelings for many years.

...and your children will breathe a sigh of relief when his presence goes from their home, I promise you.

Fuck his crying, put your kids first not this snivelling sad excuse for a man; he's got serious issues OP, your children will become like him if you continue to allow him to belittle, abuse and put you down, they feel that too!

Is he really worth it, because it's you who will live with the guilt, not him, he's incapable, he's so wrapped up in his own wants.

Your dc will resent you for staying with him and inflicting this piss poor excuse of a dad on them. See it from their perspective - not his selfish dysfunctional one. He IS an abusive who IS fucking you and your dc up. Now what are you gonna do?

You are all right I am guilty of inflicting this shitty dad on my kids and yes I'm already riddled in guilt for that. I have no money right now so I need to sort that issue by saving as much as physically possible. I also need to be honest with him, cos I feel by just plodding on all the time it's just what he constantly expects - she'll just put up with it!

I won't!

I need to stand my ground and tell him.
Reading all your comments - you have all said the same thing!! All of you!! It's opened my eyes a tad!

I will do this!!!

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You are in an abusive relationship and this is harming you as well as your children. They could well go onto abuse themselves or become victims of abuse in their own adult relationships. Its that harmful.

Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships, for them to think that this is at all "normal" behaviour in couples.

Re this comment:-

"When ever I tell him how he's behaving or how his behaviour makes me feel he cries and tells me I'm his life and how he has nothing to live for other than me! He sobs and begs to give him a chance.

I always feel guilty and stay. He also sobs dead loud so everyone hears and feels sorry for him.

I don't want my kids to hate me cos I've broken their dads heart and I'm scared of that! I question the relationship cos I think is this normal?"

He does not give a shiny turd about you and you are to him something to be crushed. These types of men hate women, all of them. He enjoys the power and control he has over you all; he wants absolute and he has that from you and the children. He is that self absorbed and selfish that the only person he cares about is him. Look at his parents OP; they are I daresay pretty much the same as he is.

He is a master manipulator who uses crying to great effect; it works for him because you stay. He has no heart to break, crying can also be manipulative and he milks that for all its worth. Your kind heartedness towards him has really been your undoing here and still is. You feel sorry for someone who deserves nothing from you now. I would ask you straight out whether you are a people pleaser?. He is taking you for a real sucker, he has really done a number on you.

Womens Aid can and will help you here; do call them on 0808 2000247.