Am I in an abusive relationship?

[jessemzie]

The very fact I am writing this questioning my relationship obviously rings alarm bells. But I feel I am married to a Jekyll and Hyde! My H is a hardworking man who has always provided for us, giving us stability and no money worries. The mortgage is always paid and bills and he leaves me full access to the bank (he doesn't have anything to do with it) never questioning where money is or what I've spent it on. He doesn't like me going out, he has always had an issue with this but deals with it in a passive aggressive way, he will just sulk and not speak to me making the atmosphere heavy before I am due to leave, he doesn't directly say 'I don't want you going out' but he makes me feel bad for going...if that makes sense!
He is very very moody, one day he's on top of the world, he comes home OTT and laughing but this is a rare occasion. Most of the time he walks in, starts moaning at the kids cos something is untidy and then starts sighing and sulking and causing an atmosphere. If one of my friends are visiting he makes them feel really unwelcome by ignoring them or just walking straight past without even saying hi. None of my friends like to visit me when he's around because of it. If my friends try and speak to him, he will be rude and cutting in his reply. I find this embarrassing. He is also rude when we visit shops to the assistants, if they mishear him and he has to repeat himself he will repeat himself in the rudest manor ever! I cringe!
He makes comments about how he can't wait until the kids grow and we can travel together and how in a few years we will do. He talks about the kids like they are a hinderance rather than something to enjoy. I really don't like that about him. I love my kids. My youngest who is 10, doesn't want to be around my H. He says he hates him cos he's always moody. If I say 'come on let's go to the park' my son is like yay! But then when he finds out his dad is coming too he changes and is like 'why does he have to come'
My H gives off moody vibes and speaks to people including the kids in a belittling manner. The reason I am questioning my relationship is because of how he acts, he doesn't consider me at all in his behaviours. I could be really poorly and he still wouldn't make me so much as a bite to eat or a drink! If he decides he wants a hug at 5:30am whether I've been up in the night or not, he wakes me for a hug. It infuriates me. He ignores the kids when they shout him, he's never made a meal in the 14 years we have been together. Doesn't want to do the things I want to do and if I suggest to do something he will make sure he shows no interest in it, but if he suggests something then we all have to be like 'yay this is the best day ever' !!
He manipulates me into doing things cos I'm kind, like making him drinks or fetching him things, sounds pathetic but it's draining.
He also demands hugs and kisses and if I'm not forthcoming he doesn't speak to me and makes me feel rotten.
I'm struggling to pin point the reasons I feel how I do cos he behaves in such a passive aggressive way... I'm not hit or yelled out but I feel like I'm not allowed to be me...
can anyone else relate to this?

I am in exactly the same position as you op. I left my husband last night. Reading your thread is like a mirror of my life. The way he is rude to strangers, to the kids, controlling etc.

He slept in the spare room and haven't seen him yet this morning.

I know that he will try everything to get me to change my mind. Promising me he'll change, crying, panic attacks etc.

I have also been in this position before and have given in and stayed. It's so easy to forget how rubbish things are when they are being so nice. Nothing ever really changes though.

Hope things work out for you xx

Erm, ok ... I'm going to make a different comment to the general 'yes he is horrendous' one.

First, though - yes, his behaviour is really hard to deal with, it is exhausting, it is sure to have a very depressing effect on you and will eventually (sounds like it already has) start having a deep, long term effect on your happiness and self-esteem, and on your kids. It is not in any way good.

BUT

Nobody here has mentioned what seems screamingly obvious to me - the guy has some kind of depressive tendencies. He is deeply, dependently attached to you. He is very unhappy. He has terrible mood swings and generally he is very bad at dealing appropriately with people. You're a woman and his emotional and sexual home, so he relates to you on the level of sex, but often in a clumsy, over the top way, followed up by guilt about having done it wrong and the strongest declarations of love he can give; people in the street or shops he is rude to, as if he doesn't know how to be just normally polite - he kind of is over the top rude because he'd be self-conscious just being nice, because ... I think he is unsure of HOW to be normally nice.

I think he is one of those (apparently quite common) cases of a guy who in some ways is on the autistic spectrum in terms of social interaction, and is himself deeply tormented. He is kind of play-acting what he thinks he should say, etc, but that's too much to keep up so then mostly you just get this very moody, very uncomfortable interaction.

I'm not in any way at all trying to lessen the effect of this behaviour - OMG no - in fact I recognise it because I've experienced something almost identical, in everything you say. Which is why I'm actually v interested by your post, because it kind of starts to confirm my theory that this behaviour is so pathological, that it is actually a syndrome, or symptom of something that could perhaps be treated. It is depression, it is hormonal fluctuation, it is a social disorder, it is a kind of autism - I don't know what it is, but I know it's utterly unbearable and miserable to live with, as a kind, normal person, and I know as well that somehow the person who does it can't help himself.

It needs sorting out. I don't know what you do, but just saying OMG he's so awful and he should change his behaviour doesn't work ... I do it all the time and I know it's pointless. For years I tried to get him to the doc's. I really think that it could be treated. But Lord knows how you get someone like this to admit there's something wrong. That in itself is very tricky.

I suppose my thoughts are: yes you need to get yourself and the children out of this. But at the same time, think about trying to get him some help. I don't think he can help himself. : (

Keep going op! As I was reading through, I felt so proud of you and I don't even know you! He is following the abusive script to a T. It might be handy to google a free pdf version of lundy bancroft why does he do that and see what category your h falls into. When you feel stronger, I suggest you try the freedom programme as well. It seems many abused women have used that on here and it seems to be very helpful. I also see a lot of advice that some solicitors offer a free half hour consultation. Maybe you could take that up as well. Ginger bread is a great support charity that can help single parents. Good luck op. Your freedom and peace in life awaits you. Keep going and don't look back!

I think he does sound like he's on spectrum of something... But that's no reason to feel guilty and sorry for him as your kids are more important.
Do you think women have an inbuilt tendency to care and try to sort everyone's problems out, but this can be to detriment of their own happiness? There's so so many men like him around, I agree with other post that he may get nasty, to be forewarned is to be armed...good luck, you are doing so well

Who cares if he won't fly, go see your parents with your kids without him!

Jobanana - wow!!

You have hit the nail on the head.
I totally agree he does have some kind of depression etc, and he does need help.

I have been to hell and back over the past 24 hrs. I've heard it all. The begging, the panic attacks, the sobbing, the I can't live without yous... it's constant.

I've not backed down or anything and I've told him about how he's rude and he suffocates me etc etc. He has sort of admitted for the first time ever that he doesn't know why he says some of it! He says he doesn't even agree with it and hearing it all back he can see what a twat he appears to be! He has never admitted that on the past. (I'm not mellowing honestly)
I think he needs help, but he has admitted he does to me and that he doesn't know how to handle certain situations and he feels paranoid a lot.

It sort of makes sense with how he acts, he's agreed to speak to a doctor about it. I wrote down all he does and how he makes me feel so he could read it, that way it will go in!! He said he will take it to the doc with him.

I'm not staying with him, I'm at the end of the road, but you are right! He need help, and he's the dad to my kids and I want them to have a dad so if I can help him I will do x

Tread carefully OP some of them (even narcs) often know they have issues and some of them will just say they know they do and even go to therapy to hold you in line.

He could have sought help on any day in the preceding years but because his obnoxious behaviour was serving him well - having the rest of the family tiptoeing around him, kowtowing to keep the peace - he didn't bother. Now that the worm has turned, he's suddenly had an epiphany. What a coincidence.
Ill and/or abusive, your priority is yours and your DC's wellbeing. He could be a sociopath but it doesn't matter why he behaves the way he does, the crux is his toxic impact on other family members. And if he was ill he wouldn't be able to hold down a regular job.
You are not his therapist, nor his mother, nor his nanny. He's a grown man responsible for his own health and behaviour.
I urge you, Jesse, and Jobanana to do the Freedom Programme to make sure your generosity of spirit is not misplaced. I think you might be surprised.

I too would be wary of going too far down the 'he needs help' path, he could be depressed or he could just be an abusive, sociopathic narcissist, either way he is responsible for himself and you have the DC and yourself to think about.

It's all too tempting to excuse someone you care about treating you badly by slapping a label on their behaviour and attributing it to something they can't help but it's been within his power to seek help all along and he's chosen not to.

It's in everyone's best interests for him to become a better man and especially a better father but he needs to do it somewhere you and DC aren't being affected by his current behaviour. Stay strong OP, you're doing the right thing for you all, including him in the long run.

Another one rooting for you op. Dont fall for his bullshit!! Hes a grown man, he knows hes been treating you like crap. Dont fall for the crying, begging suicide etc. My ex did this and it was bollocks, pure manipulation. If you meant anything to him he would never have treated you like shit all this time.. niw the love has gone cos hes bullied it dead. He'll always be the same op do you want to live the rest of your life like this. Carry on with LTB xx

He needs help, he's only realised this since you have told him you've had enough of his fucken shit behaviour, I smell BS OP, just another ploy to make you stay; he clearly doesn't have a problem treating you like crap, until, of course you actually decide not to suffer it.

Thought I'd update you.

He took an overdose and is now in intensive care. They don't think he will pull through.

My kids now blame me.

It's all gone wrong.

You didn't put the pills in his mouth. It's not your fault.

That is NOT your fault and don't apologise to your kids for it.

They are upset and scared but they have to understand it's not your fault.

His own actions not yours. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

Oh Christ Jess

I'm so sorry you're in this position, but How, Mad and Petal are right - this isn't your fault.

Is there anything I/we can do to help? Sending you an enormous and very unMNetty hug xx

He is an adult.
Completely responsible for HIS OWN actions.
This is not your fault.
Do NOT apologise to your kids.
That is not the lesson you want to teach them.
You want to instill that adults know consequences.
They are totally responsible for their own actions.
You have nothing to be sorry for.

So sorry for what he is putting you and your kids through.. His decision, his actions, you are not responsible. Stay strong for your kids..

This is not your fault. Having RTWT I can't believe what you've been putting up with. And I'm not sure Jobanana is right about him being depressed. I suffer from chronic depression, and both my DH and DF have had severe depression. Being depressed doesn't make you unkind and downright abusive in the way your DH is, OP. Depressed people are weepy or, more often, just apathetic and numb. They don't have the energy to be cruel.

Taking an overdose sounds more like rage to me: "Now she'll be sorry" and "This will teach the bitch to say she's ending it." I'm no expert on narcissism but from what you're describing I wonder if he expected you to find him a lot earlier than you did. He probably expected to come round with you back at heel, full of remorse, promising never to leave. Maybe I'm being unkind, but if there's one thing I know about it's depression, both in me and in others.

However it turns out, you aren't to blame, OP.

So sorry to hear this op. This is not your fault.

This is not you fault! I am so sorry

I've RTWT and I am so sorry to hear what he did. It is NOT your fault. You did NOTHING wrong, he is responsible for his own actions. Please get as much help from others as you can, counselling for yourself and your DCs but please don't blame yourself xxx

Thinking of you Jess, how are you doing love?

Fuck. Repeat and repeat. This is not your fault. Whether he has done this to get at you, or he did it because he is in a really bad place and is truely depressed, it is still not your fault. You tried hard, you felt empathy for him when most people would have left him ages ago.

Thinking of you.

Hi please explain to your children that he was treating you very badly and it is not healthy for either of you to stay in an unhappy relationship like that. I think a family councillor would do you all some good. I hope he pulls through.