Am I in an abusive relationship?

[jessemzie]

The very fact I am writing this questioning my relationship obviously rings alarm bells. But I feel I am married to a Jekyll and Hyde! My H is a hardworking man who has always provided for us, giving us stability and no money worries. The mortgage is always paid and bills and he leaves me full access to the bank (he doesn't have anything to do with it) never questioning where money is or what I've spent it on. He doesn't like me going out, he has always had an issue with this but deals with it in a passive aggressive way, he will just sulk and not speak to me making the atmosphere heavy before I am due to leave, he doesn't directly say 'I don't want you going out' but he makes me feel bad for going...if that makes sense!
He is very very moody, one day he's on top of the world, he comes home OTT and laughing but this is a rare occasion. Most of the time he walks in, starts moaning at the kids cos something is untidy and then starts sighing and sulking and causing an atmosphere. If one of my friends are visiting he makes them feel really unwelcome by ignoring them or just walking straight past without even saying hi. None of my friends like to visit me when he's around because of it. If my friends try and speak to him, he will be rude and cutting in his reply. I find this embarrassing. He is also rude when we visit shops to the assistants, if they mishear him and he has to repeat himself he will repeat himself in the rudest manor ever! I cringe!
He makes comments about how he can't wait until the kids grow and we can travel together and how in a few years we will do. He talks about the kids like they are a hinderance rather than something to enjoy. I really don't like that about him. I love my kids. My youngest who is 10, doesn't want to be around my H. He says he hates him cos he's always moody. If I say 'come on let's go to the park' my son is like yay! But then when he finds out his dad is coming too he changes and is like 'why does he have to come'
My H gives off moody vibes and speaks to people including the kids in a belittling manner. The reason I am questioning my relationship is because of how he acts, he doesn't consider me at all in his behaviours. I could be really poorly and he still wouldn't make me so much as a bite to eat or a drink! If he decides he wants a hug at 5:30am whether I've been up in the night or not, he wakes me for a hug. It infuriates me. He ignores the kids when they shout him, he's never made a meal in the 14 years we have been together. Doesn't want to do the things I want to do and if I suggest to do something he will make sure he shows no interest in it, but if he suggests something then we all have to be like 'yay this is the best day ever' !!
He manipulates me into doing things cos I'm kind, like making him drinks or fetching him things, sounds pathetic but it's draining.
He also demands hugs and kisses and if I'm not forthcoming he doesn't speak to me and makes me feel rotten.
I'm struggling to pin point the reasons I feel how I do cos he behaves in such a passive aggressive way... I'm not hit or yelled out but I feel like I'm not allowed to be me...
can anyone else relate to this?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

You are married so your legal position is good. Saving money takes time and you really do not want to be around him any longer now than is absolutely necessary.

You are not powerless here and you can and hopefully will make a better life for you and your children without him in it. He is not going to make it easy for you to leave him and will likely become as obstructive as possible over all aspects of separation. It will be worth it though for your children and you to have a life free of abuse.

Guilt is a useless emotion so sod feeling guilty. Do you think he feels at all guilty for treating you all like this; absolutely not.

You will- you WILL do this. You've already said that your 10 year old doesn't want to spend time with him, can you imagine how free you're all going to feel without his moody arse hanging around?

Don't feel guilty NOW op. Be wants you to be paralyzed with negative emotions. Feel guilty if you stay though. Now you've realized you're all being abused by him you must act. Inertia will reward the abuser and punish you and your dc. Break the cycle of abuse and kick the unfeeling fucker to the kerb. Can't believe he's manipulated you into seeing your parents only once in 11 yrs. Free yourselves and breathe again. The clincher for me was my 6 yo saying each time "don't wanto go out with daddy" and "what are you waiting for? Get the trolley and let's just go"..after an nth episode of fuckery. Listen to your ds not to that twat. Good luck.

*He wants you be paralyzed

LTB he sounds like such a wanker. Hes making you ill.

WHY are there so many if these psycho bastards about?!!!!!!!

I have been so blind. I have always just thought it's just a personality clash with me and him... I've always made excuses for his rudeness, warned the kids to keep it down or not challenge him. Yes I'm prob my own worst enemy but I never realised before that this was really happening. I think when you're living the life every single day you just accept it's 'normal'

I have been feeling so miserable lately and my stomach has been flaring up again, it's all taking its toll.

I haven questioned whether I am a victim, or if I just have that kind of victim mentality- like am I bringing this all on myself - but I'm not am I! I really do feel unhappy and I'm 42 years old living this life of not wanting to book holidays cos of him, or not wanting to be at home cos of him, or not wanting to go anywhere with him!! It's just not right that I feel like this.

I do feel broken, and I am filled with absolute dread in telling him I want us to end, but I know I haven't got any choice. He won't change, he's said he will a million times before and it never gets any better.

I'm dreading his crying and begging, that's the part that fills me with dread. I love my kids and I think they will be happier without him causing this atmosphere and misery at home.

Thank you for all your eye opening words, I really did need this xx

This is the first time that I've EVER admitted to anyone how I really honestly feel.

My DH was like this, not quite as unpleasant as yours but very moody, miserable with DS etc, happy one day, moody the next. I decided I couldn't grow old with him so afer 25 years I left. Lifes been hard but I don't miss the silences, the sulking and walking on eggshells.

Sounds like you have nothing to stay for. You can do this.

jessemzie: big hugs, I know what you are going through. Admitting it is the first step towards getting away. Don't beat yourself up over it. You'll get great advice on here, but its not always to LTB as people say. Just wanted to say you are not alone

Pudding21 thank you so much. I can honestly say I've never ever felt so alone in my life.

I know I can do this but it's so major and life changing - all be it for the better!

I need to be strong and hard and do it! Xx

He sounds exactly the same as my DH jessemzie.
My DH is narcissistic-worth reading about. I do sympathise. I would 100% try getting out for the sake of your DC.
Wish I could follow my own advice as I'm just finding it so hard to leave my H but just never feel brave enough.
Good luck, put your DC first and stand up to him, he's more of a coward than you think.

He knows I've been 'off' with him. He's just text me 'l love you'

This is what he does, when he knows I'm not happy. Then he goes over the top being nice.

Rennie- what does your husband do? Do you find it hard to pin point why you feel the way you do?

I split up from my husband last year because I was sick of walking on eggshells. A bit like your situation. My child was 10 at the time too and I didn't want her to think that this is how a relationship should be. It's hard, but you can do this. All the best X

Don't fall for his fake words OP, remember what your ten year old tells you every time you mention your OH, utter dread at having to be with him, that in itself is enough to get your kids away from him, it's a shit upbringing feeling like that and at ten he should not even be having thoughts like that about his own father, awful.

jessemzie,

re your comment:-
"He knows I've been 'off' with him. He's just text me 'l love you'
This is what he does, when he knows I'm not happy. Then he goes over the top being nice"

Its all part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse but its a continuous cycle. Its typical of abusive people to do this type of behaviour to their intended victims.

He's very Jekyll and Hyde like your DH. I've never felt very at ease leaving the DC with him because as soon as he encounters any stress in his life he can't handle it and gets shouty, slams doors etc. So I've always tried to be around when he's with the children (to my cost I realised that was impossible)
He criticises everybody all the time and NOTHING is ever his fault.
I always felt it wasn't bad enough to leave as what he says some of the time is true- switch your lights off, take the dog for a walk etc, it's just the way he says things, no please or thank you, just in a disappointed, exasperated way 'haven't you done this job I've asked you to yet again', type way, shouting a tutting and being nasty at the same time.
Constantly shakes his head at our total inadequacy. That sort of thing and yes, I'm still finding it hard to go. I feel more head shaking.
So is that similar to your DH?

He sounds like my Dad and, not trying to make you feel bad, he made me utterly miserable as a child. His moods still rule my parents house, we visit for my mum rather than him but he can still have me in tears and feeling unwanted even now.

It is hard, and it will probably be shitty for a while but I know how your DC are feeling and it's not good. It is not your fault, but you have the power to change the situation.

Good luck

I asked my H to leave for similar behaviour however his was directed at me and mostly he was charming infront of others.

I have found his behaviour has got worse rather than better over the years and suspect it will be the same for your H.
The nice guy appears less often.

H was nice to me when he wanted to be, not when I needed it.It's confusing because it shows they are capable but choose only to give when it suits them.

Your physical symptoms are likely to be related to the stress, even if you are not fully aware your body is reacting.

Once you see his behaviour it's hard to unsee it..try to observe not absorb his behaviour.Also start a journal of incidents, when it's written down its hard to ignore.

Rennie - my husband is identical.

Constantly shouting 'turn lights off' 'brush teeth' etc all jobs we know we do every day! He even tells me what to get the children to do when I'm putting them to bed, e.g. 'Don't forget to get DC to brush their teeth' - it's like he's got to stamp his authority.

I too don't like to leave them alone with him, in the past when I have done (on the very rare occasion) I've had ww3 breakout with my eldest and him! I almost think he would pick on her so to get her upset and then he would ring or text me saying that she had been disrespectful to him. He would miss out all he had said to her, and then when I would speak to her she would give me a slightly different spin on things!

She won't miss him, I know that, and for the dc I need to get out of this.

My stomach is killing me!! Stress upon stress!! How the hell am I gonna do this? X

Hermonie - you're right it's gotten a lot worse the older he has got and I too see the nice guy less... it also depends on whether everything is going their way too doesn't it!! They control the whole home - they are happy, the home is happy!!!

Pyjamaface - it's nice to hear a child's view.
I'm sorry I'm putting mine through this!! It makes me sad to hear how you feel.

The ironic thing is I hate my dad for similar reasons! He's not identical, but similar.

My dad was worse. My mum was controlled in every way possible. I'm not. But I am too, of that makes sense.
My dad was also physically aggressive, so I know what that kind of abuse is, I think cos he was so bad it's made me doubt the way I feel now, and maybe even belittle it a bit x

jessemzie

Your parents own abusive relationship played a huge part in you being with your H now. They taught you a lot of damaging lessons on relationships, we after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. The man you are currently with is not all that dissimilar to your Dad. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid is something that you need to enrol on as well.

Make plans to leave asap and seek legal advice as well. He won't make it easy at all for you to leave and will likely want to "punish" you for doing so. You do not all have to live in his gilded cage of his own paranoid making any more.

I know what I'm gonna get, tears and pity and how he will change.

It's gonna be a long night...