Am I in an abusive relationship?

[jessemzie]

The very fact I am writing this questioning my relationship obviously rings alarm bells. But I feel I am married to a Jekyll and Hyde! My H is a hardworking man who has always provided for us, giving us stability and no money worries. The mortgage is always paid and bills and he leaves me full access to the bank (he doesn't have anything to do with it) never questioning where money is or what I've spent it on. He doesn't like me going out, he has always had an issue with this but deals with it in a passive aggressive way, he will just sulk and not speak to me making the atmosphere heavy before I am due to leave, he doesn't directly say 'I don't want you going out' but he makes me feel bad for going...if that makes sense!
He is very very moody, one day he's on top of the world, he comes home OTT and laughing but this is a rare occasion. Most of the time he walks in, starts moaning at the kids cos something is untidy and then starts sighing and sulking and causing an atmosphere. If one of my friends are visiting he makes them feel really unwelcome by ignoring them or just walking straight past without even saying hi. None of my friends like to visit me when he's around because of it. If my friends try and speak to him, he will be rude and cutting in his reply. I find this embarrassing. He is also rude when we visit shops to the assistants, if they mishear him and he has to repeat himself he will repeat himself in the rudest manor ever! I cringe!
He makes comments about how he can't wait until the kids grow and we can travel together and how in a few years we will do. He talks about the kids like they are a hinderance rather than something to enjoy. I really don't like that about him. I love my kids. My youngest who is 10, doesn't want to be around my H. He says he hates him cos he's always moody. If I say 'come on let's go to the park' my son is like yay! But then when he finds out his dad is coming too he changes and is like 'why does he have to come'
My H gives off moody vibes and speaks to people including the kids in a belittling manner. The reason I am questioning my relationship is because of how he acts, he doesn't consider me at all in his behaviours. I could be really poorly and he still wouldn't make me so much as a bite to eat or a drink! If he decides he wants a hug at 5:30am whether I've been up in the night or not, he wakes me for a hug. It infuriates me. He ignores the kids when they shout him, he's never made a meal in the 14 years we have been together. Doesn't want to do the things I want to do and if I suggest to do something he will make sure he shows no interest in it, but if he suggests something then we all have to be like 'yay this is the best day ever' !!
He manipulates me into doing things cos I'm kind, like making him drinks or fetching him things, sounds pathetic but it's draining.
He also demands hugs and kisses and if I'm not forthcoming he doesn't speak to me and makes me feel rotten.
I'm struggling to pin point the reasons I feel how I do cos he behaves in such a passive aggressive way... I'm not hit or yelled out but I feel like I'm not allowed to be me...
can anyone else relate to this?

OP I honestly wouldn't tell him anything until you have a plan in place and are pretty much ready to go. All telling him now will achieve is giving him advance warning and the opportunity to manipulate you and generally make things as unpleasant as possible for you. Don't forget you are taking away the thing he values most, his control over you and DC and he will not like it, don't give him chance to make you suffer for that.

Quietly get your ducks in a row, see a solicitor, get copies of all financial documents and put them in a safe place, preferably outside the home, save or move what money you can without arousing suspicion and yes, look for somewhere new to live. But do it all before you tell him you're leaving him, you know he will make your life even more of a misery if he knows what you're planning so just don't tell him.

I would also be concerned that his abuse will ramp up once he knows, you know he will try to guilt you into staying and he may well extend that to the DC too which would be awful for them. And what when the guilt doesn't work? Will he become more aggressive and try to bully you into staying, cut you off financially before you're quite ready to make the move and trap you that way, might he become more sexually aggressive, sort of try to get what he can out of you before you leave? Any and all of these would be typical of a narcissist and, while I don't wish to scare you, I really think you need to protect yourself and DC and keep him in the dark until you're ready to go.

I think you're so brave and it's great that you're ready to take your life back from him...

However, if you do this before you're ready, it might get a bit overwhelming.

I'm NOT discouraging you but I am encouraging you to take a deep breath, and get your head in order.

• a list of everything you need to do
• documents like passports, birth certificates, marriage cert
• an appointment with a solicitor who can advise you
• money!!!
• somewhere to go, because you don't know how things will go when you tell him
• contact your son's school so they are aware and will help if they need to
• family or a close friend on whom you can rely to help you move etc

Good luck! Keep your cool and remember, if he makes you feel threatened or scared in any way, you call the police.

Reading this and taking note. You're doing so well. I wish you every happiness and you will get there in the end. Don't ever doubt that.

Yes maybe you're all right... I should bide my time and get my stuff sorted first.

I will make a list and transfer the money. Take it from there!

Thanks guys xxx

Jesse your DH sounds like a narc to me. I can see you have read up a bit about it from your posts.

Be clear on something here. They don't change. They don't recognise their behaviour. They are over entitled non empathetic shells of beings.

Leave and don't look back. I did that 6 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did for me and my dd. I still remember that feeling of joy when I opened the door to my new apartment.

He is living your life for you. Isolating you and abusing you.

You can do this. Stay strong xxx

Having a bad day today.

He inwardly fell out with my for not partaking in sex this morning. He left without speaking to the kids and as he closed the door my son turned to me and said 'that was rude' I just shrugged. I couldn't say 'actually son dads being horrible cos I didn't have sex with him this morning' could I.

I've sent him a snotty text about him walking out and ignoring the kids and the reply I got back was
'I'll come home, just tell me what you want me to do'

I feel so fed up. I've cried this morning, first time in ages.

Me and my brothers had the same reaction to my Dad as your son does to his.
We hated spending time with him cos he was so bloody cold and miserable. We had literally no relationship at all. He paid the bills and we were scared of him so did what he said.
My parents split up and my Dad and I could've quite easily never spoken again because there was no bond at all.
The relief when he moved out was profound.
Don't let your kids feel like I did - uncomfortable and unloved in my own home.

Have a good cry and let it out. It is allowed, you know? Don't forget that you're going to be grieving on some level for what the relationship isn't and for what you wished it was when you started out. I get the impression that you feel guilty for feeling emotional- you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm really rooting for you OP. You are a strong person, you CAN leave him. Your life will be immeasurably better and your mental health will improve beyond belief.

He will try and manipulate you at every turn but you know what you want to do know. Just think how much better your life will be soon

He sent you that because he wants to engage you in the solution. The only solution here is to separate. You are allowed to say no to sex, you are allowed to cry you are allowed to finish this shitty relationship. Don't let him make you feel you aren't xxx

I've told him how i feel, rightly or wrongly I couldn't keep it in. He started quizzing me about what's wrong and why am I so off, it all came out but I never ever raised my voice. I told him calmly how his behaviour is affecting me and I've suggested he moves out.

He sobbed and has begged me to change my mind.

I've told him he won't change and that I won't keep going round in this circle of abuse and it stops today. He sobbed a bit more and then agreed with all I've said. He has suggested he moves out for a bit to give me space. That suits me. I don't think for one min that'll be it, he will keep pressuring me, but I'm not going to lie to him.

I will do as I've said, now I need to decide whether I'm staying or not x

I am so sorry it has come to this - but it is a good outcome for you.

He will be thinking that you will come to your senses, that he can talk you round etc. But what will happen (and I fully believe this) is that once you have had a few days away from him you will feel more relaxed, your children will seem happier, you will enjoy being able to make your own decisions, you will eat better, sleep better and the fear will lessen.

Give the final decision time. You should consider counselling for yourself (not couples counselling - please DON'T do this). This will help you to see your own feelings and to understand the boundaries he has walked over.

It took me 2 years of counselling before I manged to leave. But I recognised the way I had, little by little, let him make my world so small. No friends, no family, working from home, no bank account...yet somehow i thought it was OK - that it was just to keep him happy and that as long as he was happy, I would be.

Now my world is big (and getting bigger all the time). I have a small group of friends who I socialise with, I am getting job interviews (but no job as yet), my freelancing income has doubled, I am driving all over the place, I did online dating (and found a lovely partner) and next, I plan an overseas trip.

Just those few days or weeks apart from your husband will reveal to you the cloud you have been living under. I can only say grasp it with both hands because this may be your only opportunity.

Well done op. Now you need to relax and give yourself time to sort things out properly. Whatever you do, don't let him pressurise you into doing something you are not happy with

Well done OP!! Remember this, whatever he says, people don't change. Xxx

Never take him back.

He has been sobbing and telling me how I'm his whole life and how he can't live without me and how there is no purpose to his life etc etc...

This isn't easy, watching the man I married, whom I've had children with broken like this. Yes I know - get a grip! He deserves it and all the rest, but boy does he lay it on thick!!

I told him how he doesn't do anything with the kids etc and so he has now taken my son bowling...

God knows what he's doing now?

All part of the cycle. They never change. The sobbing will stop, Santa daddy will fade and the shit will start again.

I'm sorry as perhaps it's not what you want to hear.

It's all an act sweetheart. He's taken ds bowling because he thinks it will help to change your mind. He's losing control and he doesn't like it.

Buckle up- the emotional blackmail will get worse before it gets better. You can do this- the hardest part (deciding what you want to do) is over. We're all behind you

He's not broken. He's gutted you have seen the light and are breaking free from him. Brace yourself for an Oscar-worthy performance of emotional manipulation.
Also threats of suicide. Happened to a friend this week, H was out and sent a text saying he was going to kill himself. 40 minutes later he walked in the front door asking what was for tea.

jesse just want to echo that yes, the pleading and the bowling trip is all emotional manipulation.
I can imagine how torn up inside you feel, I really can. It's going to be a difficult time but the strength you will gain - honestly you won't believe the change in yourself.

He's actually angering me with his behaviour cos he is so over the top. Shaking, breathing, can't get his breath, panic attacks... it's constant.

I do feel he's trying to get me to give in, but I've stayed strong so far! All he's successfully doing is pissing me off tbh! I won't be manipulated.

It's great having you all behind me, it's what I really do need so thanks xx

He's on the sofa, I've come to bed. Can't say I'm looking forward to tomorrow!!

Leave for your kids, you will be fine and so much happier...imagine the alternative, kids grown up having had a less than happy childhood because of him, and you're stuck with him and his disgraceful rude abusive behaviour! One life, live it and let yourself and kids be happy..

I've not read the whole thread. But here are a few snippets of advise. Open your bank account and save. Keep your passports and items needed such as a grab bag , birth certs , marriage certificate and essentials in a safe place with a freind. Make ano escape plan. This means where you will go if you have to leave. Etc. I know he's not violent but you never know. With all things saved. If you ask him to leave as you have kids. Be prepared for a fight. If he's anything like my passive aggressive ex he will want one make you homeless.

This is the saddest thing I've ever read on MN.....

Sounds just like my ex. A Narcissist, sadly.

Feel free to PM me if you to chat/rant x

Very well done OP. This next phase is going to be the hardest. He will now pull on your heart strings as he thinks you will mellow and he won't have to move. Out. Mine said he would, then changed his mind, he said he hadn't done anything wrong. Every single thing you described about your husband is what mine was like. Eggshells, silence, treating me like a child and like he was Lord of the manor. He caused problems with my family and friends. Everything he has done to you. He might move out to lull you into s false sense of security. Once he realises you might not go back, he could get very nasty. I suggest telling your GP about this. I did. Since my H has realised I meant it, he has reported me to the authorities, demanded MH assessments because of my severe anxiety, made allegations against my family, tried to bribe the kids, etc. He still lives in the house, I can't get him out, we do not speak, children are confused, I can't leave with them incase he won't bring them home if he has access. They are acting out at school and very confused. I have had to go to court to resolve, he refused mediation. We're still in the court proceedings and it doesn't look like it will be over anytime soon. Apparently he even went to my GP to report me as bring psychotic - I am not. Just be as ready as you can for the abuse to escalate beyond anything you ever thought it could. I am now in the WA system, have a support worker and counsellor from them and that really helps. You can do this without a doubt and, even though my life feels really shit right now, I at least don't have to walk on eggshells anymore and that feels great. My anxiety is much less too. I did this for my kids and you will do it too. I felt so guilty about hurting him, all he was doing was plotting how he was going to punish me for having the cheek to break up. He did the sobbing and begging too, but switched from that to Mr Nasty in a nanosecond. These men do not change. He might even generously offer to go to anger management for you, but if he really knew he had a problem, he wouldn't have waited for the relationship to break down first. Be strong and focussed. This is the right thing to do. X