Am I in an abusive relationship?

[jessemzie]

The very fact I am writing this questioning my relationship obviously rings alarm bells. But I feel I am married to a Jekyll and Hyde! My H is a hardworking man who has always provided for us, giving us stability and no money worries. The mortgage is always paid and bills and he leaves me full access to the bank (he doesn't have anything to do with it) never questioning where money is or what I've spent it on. He doesn't like me going out, he has always had an issue with this but deals with it in a passive aggressive way, he will just sulk and not speak to me making the atmosphere heavy before I am due to leave, he doesn't directly say 'I don't want you going out' but he makes me feel bad for going...if that makes sense!
He is very very moody, one day he's on top of the world, he comes home OTT and laughing but this is a rare occasion. Most of the time he walks in, starts moaning at the kids cos something is untidy and then starts sighing and sulking and causing an atmosphere. If one of my friends are visiting he makes them feel really unwelcome by ignoring them or just walking straight past without even saying hi. None of my friends like to visit me when he's around because of it. If my friends try and speak to him, he will be rude and cutting in his reply. I find this embarrassing. He is also rude when we visit shops to the assistants, if they mishear him and he has to repeat himself he will repeat himself in the rudest manor ever! I cringe!
He makes comments about how he can't wait until the kids grow and we can travel together and how in a few years we will do. He talks about the kids like they are a hinderance rather than something to enjoy. I really don't like that about him. I love my kids. My youngest who is 10, doesn't want to be around my H. He says he hates him cos he's always moody. If I say 'come on let's go to the park' my son is like yay! But then when he finds out his dad is coming too he changes and is like 'why does he have to come'
My H gives off moody vibes and speaks to people including the kids in a belittling manner. The reason I am questioning my relationship is because of how he acts, he doesn't consider me at all in his behaviours. I could be really poorly and he still wouldn't make me so much as a bite to eat or a drink! If he decides he wants a hug at 5:30am whether I've been up in the night or not, he wakes me for a hug. It infuriates me. He ignores the kids when they shout him, he's never made a meal in the 14 years we have been together. Doesn't want to do the things I want to do and if I suggest to do something he will make sure he shows no interest in it, but if he suggests something then we all have to be like 'yay this is the best day ever' !!
He manipulates me into doing things cos I'm kind, like making him drinks or fetching him things, sounds pathetic but it's draining.
He also demands hugs and kisses and if I'm not forthcoming he doesn't speak to me and makes me feel rotten.
I'm struggling to pin point the reasons I feel how I do cos he behaves in such a passive aggressive way... I'm not hit or yelled out but I feel like I'm not allowed to be me...
can anyone else relate to this?

The poster Baileys is referring to, to be fair, was just presuming he had done this for attention, or at least, that is how it reads to me. All that she is saying is that it's wrong to presume that he has done this to hurt the OP just as it is wrong to assume he genuinely wanted to go. MN really doesn't like a differing opinion. Beware

Jess I'm sorry your thread is being derailed here - it's not fair on you to have to read through all this shit when you're dealing with so much.

Everyone else- can we just focus on supporting op please? No one knows how or what or why this has happened and speculation is the exact opposite of helpful. If anyone wants to debate or argue can you please do it either on another thread or private message. Thank you.

That's rubbish - there are many possibilities, many of them referred to throughout this thread. Only one poster singled out another as presumptious. It seems to me that derailing this thread has become the Intent here. Differing opinions are welcomed, how they are offered is referred to in the talk guidelines. The lack of sensitivity or contextual understanding demonstrated by your post SnowflakesandBullies is almost bemusing.

Cross posted fourfox - in more ways than one! You're right, of course.

I didn't say that OP's DH was attention seeking, Baileys. What I said was that from what OP had told us, he hasn't been depressed but he is a narcissist and a very unpleasant man, manipulative and controlling.

OP tells him she's ending the marriage and the next thing we know he's in ITCU. This is why I suggested he has taken the course of action he has to punish or control her. It's consistent. Other posters have confirmed that this is typical of such men.

I'm not being mean. Quite the opposite. I don't want OP feeling bad about something when it seems likely that her feeling bad was the main intention of his act.

She's lucky she and the DC are unharmed. It is precisely this sort of man police call "family annihilators", who slaughter their whole family as a response to narcissistic injury. Here's a link.

I'm thinking of you, OP. I imagine a lot of us are.

Baileys, I don't know anything about your personal history and I didn't see your deleted post. I'm not having any sort of go at you.

Any update? X

Anything OP??

Gosh, Jess, I'm so sorry. What an awful situation.

Please do not blame yourself. It was not your soing and not your fault.

Your children will lash out atm because they are scared and confused; their lives have turned upside down, they're not operating froma stable base. It's normal to lash outat the nearest availble object in those circumstances, and for the moment you are It. That will end, it won't last forever.

Thinking of you, your children and ex.

I have now finally plucked up the courage to reply to you all. It's been a very tough couple of months.

On 8th Feb my husband passed away, he had made a very good job at it. I had been under police questioning as his family almost accused me of murdering him.

My children understand what has happened and don't blame me. We are attending family counselling and we are moving forward as a unit.

I am still riddled in guilt but I have been told that it is totally normal to do so and I am getting help with this. I haven't been offended by anyone's posts on here. You have all meant well and I thank you for that.
I'm not sure why people have been reported, what I was experiencing with him was real, and I was very depressed. Him passing has not changed what he put me through, it was happening and real.

It was his choice to end his life but that was because he was a narcissist and he only ever put his own needs first. I know you shouldn't speak ill of the dead but unfortunately this is true. He followed through with his threats, I called his bluff but he did it anyway. Luckily for me I had the whole convo on text or I might be up on a murder charge!

Anyway, thanks guys I'm here, we are coping.

I didn't see this the first time around. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. It sounds like you are handling it so well. You are never responsible for someone else's actions.
You however, sound as if you are making sure your whole family is taken care of. Have you been left ok financially? Have you got real life support? Make sure you also take care of yourself.

I am so sorry to hear what has happened sweetheart. I cannot begin to imagine what you've been through but you have been so incredibly brave. Thank you for posting this. I am glad you're all getting IRL support. Your husband's actions were entirely his and absolutely not your fault at all. You have done nothing wrong at all. A massive hug to you and your children. We're all behind you. Xxx

Think of you and your children OP, hope you can all move on eventually

I'd seen this thread and had often wondered if you were ok. I am so sorry he put you and your children through all this but so glad you're working through it all. You are a very strong person and there are better days ahead for you. I wish you and your family all the very best - you deserve it. X

He sounds exactly like my hubby and he too went for counselling like Teabaggy's hubby - to walk out. Its a horrid existence, I have emotionally detached myself, but worry financially about going it alone. The Relate counsellor said he's a narcissist through n through. Best you read up about narcissism as it will help you mentally.

My dp sounds similar to your dh. He is miserable, moans constantly. I jokingly call him the 'fun sponge' but its far from a joke. He thinks the world is against him. He does very little with the kids and usually spoils any fun I try to have with them.

Your dh is manipulative - I mean what's with the crying? Don't feel sorry for him, he doesn't feel bad for the way he treats you after all. I hope you find the strength to make your lives better.

what'smyname read the thread. Or even 6 posts above you.

OMG so sorry, I was on the wrong page of this thread when I posted my response.

What an awful thing to happen and hope you and your children are ok. My heart goes out to you.

I'm so so sorry. What a traumatic series of events. How absolutely bloody awful. Thank God it seems you're through the worst bitsfor the moment. How awful to have that suspicion towards you and thank God it was sorted out.

I'm also so glactojr children no longer blame you. You cannot be held responsible for his own decisions. You were being made responsible for him anyway, too much, before he died. That's one of the signs of you being in an abusive relationship. I'm so SO glad you are refusing to let this carry on now.