Am I in an abusive relationship?

[jessemzie]

The very fact I am writing this questioning my relationship obviously rings alarm bells. But I feel I am married to a Jekyll and Hyde! My H is a hardworking man who has always provided for us, giving us stability and no money worries. The mortgage is always paid and bills and he leaves me full access to the bank (he doesn't have anything to do with it) never questioning where money is or what I've spent it on. He doesn't like me going out, he has always had an issue with this but deals with it in a passive aggressive way, he will just sulk and not speak to me making the atmosphere heavy before I am due to leave, he doesn't directly say 'I don't want you going out' but he makes me feel bad for going...if that makes sense!
He is very very moody, one day he's on top of the world, he comes home OTT and laughing but this is a rare occasion. Most of the time he walks in, starts moaning at the kids cos something is untidy and then starts sighing and sulking and causing an atmosphere. If one of my friends are visiting he makes them feel really unwelcome by ignoring them or just walking straight past without even saying hi. None of my friends like to visit me when he's around because of it. If my friends try and speak to him, he will be rude and cutting in his reply. I find this embarrassing. He is also rude when we visit shops to the assistants, if they mishear him and he has to repeat himself he will repeat himself in the rudest manor ever! I cringe!
He makes comments about how he can't wait until the kids grow and we can travel together and how in a few years we will do. He talks about the kids like they are a hinderance rather than something to enjoy. I really don't like that about him. I love my kids. My youngest who is 10, doesn't want to be around my H. He says he hates him cos he's always moody. If I say 'come on let's go to the park' my son is like yay! But then when he finds out his dad is coming too he changes and is like 'why does he have to come'
My H gives off moody vibes and speaks to people including the kids in a belittling manner. The reason I am questioning my relationship is because of how he acts, he doesn't consider me at all in his behaviours. I could be really poorly and he still wouldn't make me so much as a bite to eat or a drink! If he decides he wants a hug at 5:30am whether I've been up in the night or not, he wakes me for a hug. It infuriates me. He ignores the kids when they shout him, he's never made a meal in the 14 years we have been together. Doesn't want to do the things I want to do and if I suggest to do something he will make sure he shows no interest in it, but if he suggests something then we all have to be like 'yay this is the best day ever' !!
He manipulates me into doing things cos I'm kind, like making him drinks or fetching him things, sounds pathetic but it's draining.
He also demands hugs and kisses and if I'm not forthcoming he doesn't speak to me and makes me feel rotten.
I'm struggling to pin point the reasons I feel how I do cos he behaves in such a passive aggressive way... I'm not hit or yelled out but I feel like I'm not allowed to be me...
can anyone else relate to this?

Just don't engage; get your ducks in a row behind his back, tell him nothing until you are stronger and equipped to actually do something about your situation.

You need your own counselling OP to unravel and realise this man is not more important than you and you were not born to serve him like some kind of slave.

Chances are he will fuck you off anyway when he gets bored or finds another victim cos this set up has nothing to do with love.

Ha! And he might change for a bit then next time he's stressed he'll be exactly the same as he always is.
Other typical narcissistic behaviour is, as you mentioned, telling you what to do, after all he knows best about everything.
I have this every day.... change gear now, put the vegetables on now, load the dishwasher like this, this is the best way to do whatever..... I just ignore him now.
Is he full of his own self importance, talk about himself all the time and not take anyone elses feelings into consideration? If yes, leave if you can. Things don't get better.

Yes he doesn't consider me at all, not in any way at all. He lacks empathy too, he really doesn't understand how he makes people feel and when you ask him, he turns it around or then says 'you abuse me' or 'stop calling me names' so I feel like I'm some kind of abuser!!
He loves to play the victim and this makes me doubt my own sanity.

I am a pleaser, which is stupid I know, but I do try to please him, and I shouldn't!!

He does seem to think he's 'god' and even jokes about it shouting up to the kids 'gods home!' When he walks in. (Notice then children are upstairs cos they already saw him pull up!) it's like a mass exodus!! X

I have actually realised while writing all these replies to you all that I don't enjoy anything anymore! I don't look forward to holidays and I don't look forward to weekends. In fact I dread them!!!

That was me for over 20 years...I had to have the house perfect when he walked through the door, if it wasn't he would literally trash the place....he wouldn't speak to me for weeks at a time if I went out and was so rude and creul to my friends and family. It took me years to pluck up the courage and leave. My kids really suffered for living like that ....but at the end of the day he is still their dad and they love him. All I would say is don't leave it too long....you say you are trying to save to get out....I did the same ..but with hindsight wish I had gone a lot sooner. The problem with this emotional abuse is that many don't think its enough of an issue to walk away ....all I can say is ...it doesn't get any better....when the kids are gone there's just the two of you and he'll just then use you as an emotional punch bag....do what you feel is right. Take carex

Thanks for that. I know you're right. You all are.

I have to face this, but when?
He just called me and I hear his voice, a voice I find so familiar and he's happy and on a high... I know it's only temporary!

It sounds like a lot of people have this kind of partner.

I have just read up on narcissists. And I believe he is one. 100 per cent!! Every single trait. Wow.

He won't change - I know this. X

If you look up my name you might see my threads regarding my husband - he was exactly the same. There's no point telling you in how many ways - but what i can tell you is that I left and it truly has been a miracle how much confidence I now have.

He tried many different ways to get me to stay - but eventually he worked out I wasn't going to. So he tried manipulating how I left.

But what I want to leave you with is how things have changed. My teenage daughter is calmer, happier and so much better. She was becoming his next victim - don't let your children reach that stage. Best of all though has been the change in me.

I have found a rental flat, I am paying my bills (just!), I bought a car (he wouldn't allow me), I go out regularly and I just got a new partner who is making me very happy. All this in just 6 months.

I never realised how easy it would actually be - I put up so many barriers to leaving that i thought I never would. In the end i just stuck to my guns and I found a way to make it work. Once decided there was no going back.

Oh and for me it was when the anxiety was all day everyday that I knew i had to go.

Rememberthetime - thank you.

Your story has given me hope.

I feel so weak at the mo, and I do suffer with severe anxiety. I know what I need to do, and thank you so much for taking the time to comment and give me some hope.

I really do appreciate everyone's comments.

Xx

I reckon he understands exactly how he makes people feel. That's why he does it.

Hi jessemzie, I had to post when I read your thread.
Your H is the exact same as mine. I've tried to post before but could never pin point exactly what he does but everything you've said is what my H does too. No one really knows about it in rl as I could never find the words to describe what he does as he never hits or says No you can't visit your friends but it's the guilt he makes me feel before and after. I've been with him for 16 years. 3 kids. He too is the sole earner, we have a joint account which I have complete access to and he never questions that. But the way he treats us all,kids too if things don't go his way is by silent treatment or making us feel bad even though we've done nothing. My DD7 suffers from anxiety and i do too and I'm coming to realise it's because of him. I have hardly any friends left, I hardly ever ever go out, I dread when people visit will he be friendly to them or rude. If my parents visit he'll for example open the front door and state at the for just a few seconds delay then say oh hi come in. But those second delays make people feel unwelcome. He'll also walk straight past friends of mine or pretend to not remember them.
God.
Im sorry it seems to be all coming out on your thread. X

Stare at them *

Svenwhen- I'm glad you can relate to what I've said. It is so hard to put into words because they have that way of in their mind 'not doing anything wrong'

Are you staying with your H?

It's hell to live with.

I had myself psyched up to tell him to move out tonight, but in he walks with chippy tea and shouted the kids down, on a high, and had even made me a cup of tea!! He knows. He senses there is something wrong with me. He must have told me 6 times how much I mean to him!!

Now I feel like absolute shit. I will bide my time, he's not a morning person so I'm sure he won't be putting as much effort in then!!

I know I should just tell him anyway, but its easier when he's behaving like an arse to do it!!

When me and my H are distant or I'm not serving him the way he expects, he complements me and showers me with compliments, and he tries to instigate sex all the time. I've noticed that if we do actually have sex, straight away, more or less instantly he goes back to being an arse...

What's all that about?

I have no intention of sleeping with him tonight or tomorrow or the next night, so I'll be in for some serious sulking if I have to knock him back!!

He's being nice to manipulate you into having sex. When you've DTD he will treat you like a used tissue that he has finished with. Seeing you as an object to be used, you will have served your purpose. It's all about him. Narcissists exploit people in an idealise - devalue - discard cycle. That's why things were so fantastic in the beginning.
You may think you have had free and easy access to joint money but he has probably "trained" you to be frugal with the unspoken threat of his anger if you are not. It's coercive control - controlling your behaviour with his implied wrath from previous intimidation if you spend more than he thinks you should. So you are careful not to spend too much.
As far as he is concerned your relationship is nothing to do with love and everything to do with power and control over you and your DC.
He ruins holidays and, I bet, Christmas and birthdays aswell to keep the attention away from everyone else having a good time and back on to him. Instead of being free to enjoy yourselves you spend time and effort trying to work out why he is sulking and how to get him out of his mood and keep him happy.
Out of the F.O.G. website might be interesting reading. It describes the lightbulb moment you are having.
I strongly recommend phoning Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 available 24 hours, 7pm-7am are quietest - to get advice on how to leave safely. Some abusive partners react violently when they realise they are losing their precious control of you. Statistically it is the most risky time in an abusive relationship.
I really think you need to gather as much money as you can before you end it. He is likely to want to punish you and one way he can do that is by withholding funds. Don't underestimate how nasty he might be.

I feel I have to stay with him jessemzie, Ido. I'm home edding our 3dc so don't know how I would be able to support them if we did leave him.
I was falling asleep last night and he wanted sex , because I didn't he's went off to sleep in the spare room! I'm awake now thinking about what the rest of today will be like as he'll be all moody. And I know the real reason isn't sex that he's in a mood it's because I'm invited out this evening for a bite to eat with a friend and he's trying to ruin it. To make me feel bad.
I feel trapped.

My story is so similar to yours Jessem I too suffer with stress and was warned years ago that it would kill me unless I did something about it. I could never fathom where the stress was coming from - it took me a long time to see what was right under my nose.

There are some good articles on the Passive Aggressive marriage and it's often described as the saddest of marriages - reading up on the subject has put so much in to perspective for me.
This isn't the best article (I can't find the one that was a lightbulb for me) but it's concise worth the read:divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/passiveaggressivehusband.htm

This is so sad. I hope all of you find a way to leave.

Feel so sorry for you ladies stuck with arseholes of partners feeling you cant escape andbeing sad and fearful every single day. That is not Life!!! Wish i could open a haven for all women and kids in that situation to escape to and be free of them forever!!! Grrrr!! Makes me mad!!

Well as predicted he tried to have sex with me this morning. I made the excuse of having stomach ache and got out of bed. He aggressively turned over to face the other way and sighed.

When that happiness a shiver goes down my spine, as menial as it might sound you know from that one action that he will be horrible most of the day until he decides otherwise.

I know I have to plan this, and arrange to save etc, but the stress of it all hanging over me is making me ill. I think I just need to say what I want to do.

I have booked two house viewings on Monday and I am in a better place than most as our house is up for sale currently as we are due to move into his mothers house that we have been doing up gradually over the last 12 months. He will go there, I will leave. Simple. I just need to ensure I get what I'm owed.

I don't care about money really or about how hard I'm gonna find this, cos I know I'll get by, my DCs are gonna have a better upbringing and live in a family home where their friends can come for tea without me worrying what he will say, they can have sleepovers, I can have girly nights with my teenage daughter and more...

I wanted to go to the cinema with my daughters to see a film (just the girls) as I don't get to spend much time with them, and he has a mass tantrum cos he wasn't invited. I suggested he did something with our son, that night as I spend loads of time with my son, but not my daughters! He made me feel rotten like I was leaving my son and him out. Needless to say, I never went. Instead when my girls had an inset day we went without telling him, but life shouldn't be like that.

I do find myself lying a lot, when friends come to visit me I make out I've been alone all day, I'm not sure why I don't just tell him!! When he finds out I've lied about something he goes mad. He hates liars... I hear that so many times!!

I feel like he's always trying to trip me up though!

Maybe I'll tell him today. This is gonna be a long weekend...

Happens - not happiness (correction)

Tell him when you are good and ready.
You sound so strong now.
You know what you want.
You know how much happier you and your DC will be.
It's all positive.
Keep going!

Thank you. I'm trying to convince myself and by writing to you all it's helping me. I feel like a have a huge group of friends behind me...

I am a quivering wreck but I can do this! Everything you have said is true. All the comments about the cycle are true. I've been so blind.

He's gone out on a huff because I didn't partake in sex. He didn't even look at me when he said he was going out!!
All as predicted - he's failed to gain control and now is trying a different form of manipulation in making me feel bad. I see this now!!!

You can do this OP

Jess this is going to sound very basic, but do you have a list of things that you feel that you need to do? Kept in a safe place, coded if needed, that you can tick off as you go? It might give you a bit more strength and reassurance of the progress you're making.

Also, just to be careful, have you got your documents together? If not, do it whilst he doesn't suspect. Gather them up and give them to a friend. If he suspects anything then he sounds like the nasty character that will do anything to try to scupper your plans. Stay ahead.