Am I in an abusive relationship?

[jessemzie]

The very fact I am writing this questioning my relationship obviously rings alarm bells. But I feel I am married to a Jekyll and Hyde! My H is a hardworking man who has always provided for us, giving us stability and no money worries. The mortgage is always paid and bills and he leaves me full access to the bank (he doesn't have anything to do with it) never questioning where money is or what I've spent it on. He doesn't like me going out, he has always had an issue with this but deals with it in a passive aggressive way, he will just sulk and not speak to me making the atmosphere heavy before I am due to leave, he doesn't directly say 'I don't want you going out' but he makes me feel bad for going...if that makes sense!
He is very very moody, one day he's on top of the world, he comes home OTT and laughing but this is a rare occasion. Most of the time he walks in, starts moaning at the kids cos something is untidy and then starts sighing and sulking and causing an atmosphere. If one of my friends are visiting he makes them feel really unwelcome by ignoring them or just walking straight past without even saying hi. None of my friends like to visit me when he's around because of it. If my friends try and speak to him, he will be rude and cutting in his reply. I find this embarrassing. He is also rude when we visit shops to the assistants, if they mishear him and he has to repeat himself he will repeat himself in the rudest manor ever! I cringe!
He makes comments about how he can't wait until the kids grow and we can travel together and how in a few years we will do. He talks about the kids like they are a hinderance rather than something to enjoy. I really don't like that about him. I love my kids. My youngest who is 10, doesn't want to be around my H. He says he hates him cos he's always moody. If I say 'come on let's go to the park' my son is like yay! But then when he finds out his dad is coming too he changes and is like 'why does he have to come'
My H gives off moody vibes and speaks to people including the kids in a belittling manner. The reason I am questioning my relationship is because of how he acts, he doesn't consider me at all in his behaviours. I could be really poorly and he still wouldn't make me so much as a bite to eat or a drink! If he decides he wants a hug at 5:30am whether I've been up in the night or not, he wakes me for a hug. It infuriates me. He ignores the kids when they shout him, he's never made a meal in the 14 years we have been together. Doesn't want to do the things I want to do and if I suggest to do something he will make sure he shows no interest in it, but if he suggests something then we all have to be like 'yay this is the best day ever' !!
He manipulates me into doing things cos I'm kind, like making him drinks or fetching him things, sounds pathetic but it's draining.
He also demands hugs and kisses and if I'm not forthcoming he doesn't speak to me and makes me feel rotten.
I'm struggling to pin point the reasons I feel how I do cos he behaves in such a passive aggressive way... I'm not hit or yelled out but I feel like I'm not allowed to be me...
can anyone else relate to this?

I don't think OP should explain anything like that to them, certainly not now.

"Daddy wasn't well" is sufficient.

Agree with Mad - I don't think it's the time to have an overly detailed conversation. It might never be the time for a conversation like that, but only you can tell Jess

Just adding to the "not your fault" voices here. I don't expect you to absorb this for a long time (but feel free to surprise me :), but thisay well be the best thing that could have happened at this juncture. If he pulls through, he will get the help he needed, and you will get the help you need. But it needs you telling the doctors and officisls everything you can share about his mindset. Do NOT let guilt stop you from doing that. I also agree that this doesn't look like depression, but may well be narcissism. There's a certain variety of people like this eho simply cant live in a world that isn't exactly as they've built up in their heads. Some of these guys take out their entire family before taking their own lives. I know that sounds "hysterical", but please don't downplay or minimise this. Talk to the doctors, the police, services. Protect yourself and your DC - the last thing they need is a mum crippled with guilt. Best unmumsnerty hugs.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I agree with Preemptive. There is something unstable about his personality, despite appearing to function as a normal human being to others.
I hope you all pull through. And please do not be consumed with guilt - it is not yours.

Hope you're ok

This was my life and my ex exactly. It took me a while to really see it for what it is but mine and the kids lives are a million times better. We live in a happy home now.

In a sick way I still love my exh but not a single day since he left 3 years ago have I considered that mine and the kids lives would be better with him back in it.

You and your kids deserve more. Well done OP.

ilovelamp.
Re read the last few pages please.

His shocking action has well and truly cut your family wide open. Please don't erase your previous decision. Certainly let the professionals know the full situation so they can offer him help.

Have the dc actually said they blame you? Are they more likely to be caught up in that all too common tragic thinking, "if only we'd been better dc then ... ?" Perhaps a few words in simple terms would relieve them of guilt too? None of you caused this, none of you are to blame. He did this, his responsibility. This is NOT your bill to pay. Try to calm your dc and yourself but this requires you to remain strong and clear.

Not saying OP should be ashamed by the way!!!!! I was referring to Prawn's post!

Im so sorry OP, this must be awful. But , to be honest if your not leaving him for making your poor children walk on egg shells then youll never leave him for the way he treats you!!

The kids will grow up to be shadow of the people they should be because they will feel belittled and worthless and any daughters you have (if you have any) will grow up thinking its ok to let their partner treat them that way.

Your the adult (I know this is harsh) but I don't feel for you, I feel for your kids and what your allowing them to witness/ feel like.

Come on OP .. don't let them witness this anymore

sorry OP, was only showing page 1 for me (not sure why)

Baileys, so sorry for your experience. Please know, however, that it isn't necessarily everybody's experience. We don't know all of what OP's H had done (what and in what a quantities, in particular, but also any other timings or logistics), but everything else OP has told us about him, esp when combined with the suicide bid, makes us very concerned for her and her DC. I don't believe I got "bid for attention" from Prawn's post, snd i think you were a little harsh on her But if we're not all clamouring to say "poor him", well, I stand by my concern for OP&DC instead.

Read the update Stef

Baileys it sounds like you have been through hell, and to make it back from being so horribly ill is fantastic and shows how incredibly strong (and lucky) you are.

But no one will ever know whether this was a genuine attempt, a cry for help or, as Prawn suggested, an attempt to make op "sorry". There are many reasons why people either take or try to take their own lives. Very sadly, if someone is abusive then it is not unusual to try to provoke a response in anger when a victim has had enough; sometimes it goes very, very wrong. Did that happen here? Regardless of what happens now, no one will ever truly know.

Please don't think I'm having a go at you Baileys- I'm not. But it is possible that Prawn is right.

Literally saw it after I posted my first post ohfour :-(

Stef

I work in a setting where youth and their difficulties are a main part of my job. I have seen people attempt suicide for genuine reasons and also I have seen plenty of people do it for attention (and it goes horribly wrong)

The OP has never said her H suffers from depression. However she has told us more than 1 time that he is a Narcissist.

A controlling narc WOULD pull a stunt like this if he thought the person he was controlling was slipping from his grip. Sort of " Try to leave me again and ill make you sorry and the kids will hate you for it"

I hope OP is there to support her children through this, but she should feel no guilt at all. You don't have to put up with abuse OP (watch your kids suffer, be sexually abused ) because your scared the kids will loose their dad.

I hope she doesn't go back to him if he pulls through.. sad situation all around

Ha! Cannot believe my post about my experience was reported as abusive and 'fictionalised!!' Wow. Just wow.

I didn't get that from prawns post either and, regardless of OP's DH's reasoning for doing what he's done, he, rather than OP, is responsible for his own actions. I can see why you feel guilty Jess but that guilt isn't yours to carry, it's his. What were you supposed to do? Stay with him and be miserable and held to ransom in case he couldn't cope with the idea of you leaving him? No one should be emotionally blackmailed like that, he could have chosen any number of ways to deal with your decision and you couldn't have known he would do this. You have a right not to be in a relationship which makes you unhappy and, although your children may not understand, you were protecting them as much as yourself.

Baileys this really isn't the thread to derail.

The ultimate selfish act on his part. Whatever your kids may or may not think now they know that it's not your fault.

Madmags Derail?! Are you serious? You clearly didn't see what I wrote about my experience with a narcissist and my own 'attempt' I've been there. Except it was me that nearly died. I was just saying that you don't take a massive, massive overdose and put yourself in Intensive Care as a weapon or ploy. It's obviously because he feels he just can't go on. NOT taking his side of course.

Baileys you are taking sides, aggressively too. OP has come here for support, possibly as the person who found him in the latest of events geared to control her. Or maybe her dc found him.

Your stance plays right into the mindset of OP's narcissist H who she is on the verge of leaving due to his abuse. Your stance ignores the very valid and experiential posts of people who know that narcissists DO act in extreme measures to try and re-establish control or exact punishment. There are many many contexts and "reasons". It is also NOT clear and obvious though you insist it is.

Surely you can see that your journey is utterly different than OP H's journey and that this is not a thread about him or you? Context is all important, not the keyword/act that has triggered your responses.

Please read the talk guidelines you were directed to earlier.

First of all don't speak to me like that!

My precious messages were NOT directed at the OP!!!!!!

They were directed at someone else for automatically presuming he had done this to hurt her!! Without realising they had no clue either way!!

Please read the talk guidelines and my previous posts and calm down. Thankyou!