Advice please. Husband driving me insane with constant moaning about his health.

[user1484750550]

My husband is driving me crackers (and has been for a while, several years actually.) As much as I love him, he never stops moaning about his health. Every other week, he complains about a new ailment, and not a week goes by when he isn’t whining about something or other that is (supposedly) causing him pain.

This past fortnight, it’s his shoulder; he thinks it’s ‘fallen out of its socket,’ and he complains continually, wincing and griping every time he moves. It's so annoying!!! He got me to get a sling for him to wear at work (office job,) so he isn’t forced to do anything that ‘might make it worse.’ The other week it was his knees ‘killing him,’ then before that it was his eyes that ‘weren’t right.’ (He said he kept getting things flashing past his eyes, and he wants to go for a test at specsavers - even though he went to Boots opticians and got some new glasses in November, and his eyes were 100% fine then.)

Before that it was his hand that felt swollen and sore and tender; ‘I think I may have arthritis’ he said. Then before that it was his elbow and wrist that were ‘giving him grief.’ He says to me 'feel that, isn't that swollen?' and 'feel that, doesn't that feel cracky and weird?' It never does...

Before that, it was a migraine making him nauseous and blurring his vision, before that it was his ear fuzzing and popping and he said he thinks he’s losing his hearing, before that it was his stomach killing him, and he thought he may have stomach cancer, before that it was his heart ‘beating funny.’ He claimed ‘my heart is just not right: I don’t think I’m long for this world…’

He has had test after test after test at the doctors and the hospital this past 2 years; ECG tests for his heart found nothing, x rays on his shoulders, hands, elbows, hips, etc found nothing, blood tests found nothing, urine tests found nothing, barium meal found nothing, pipes shoved down his throat found nothing, tests on his eyes and ears found nothing...

He has had test after test after test on every part of his body. Nothing! He just claims they are all 'wrong.' and keeps going back again and again to the doctors, and says he will keep doing so until they discover something. I almost think he WANTS them to find something - but I have no idea why! Maybe so he can go on the sick and give up work! He seems DESPERATE for them to find something. Even our daughter said she thinks he would be over the moon if they said he had cancer or something!

They have tested for half a dozen different things, and he has had painkiller after painkiller, anti inflammatories, anti biotics, all sorts. ‘I think I may have fibromyalgia’ he said a while back; I am in such pain all the time.' They tested for this too. Negative. Again. He now has the strongest possible painkillers, and claims they don’t work at all. I have these painkillers and they work a treat. The doctor can give him nothing stronger.

He claimed he was depressed about 7 years back and had anti depressants every month for about 2 or 3 years. We had been receiving free prescriptions for a few years (maybe 5 or 6,) because of low income, then 3 years ago, our income exceeded the amount where you get free prescriptions, and when we had to start paying, he instantly came off the anti Depressants. ‘I’m not paying £8 every month!’ he said … Suggesting to me that he didn’t need them.

He doesn’t have much time off work, but he is always buying aids for this and that (like slings, walking sticks, arm and knee supports,) and getting prescriptions at £8-9 a time, (he seems OK with paying now!) So it’s starting to eat into our budget now.

And NOW he says he wants a full body MRI scan and is going to go private to ‘find out what’s wrong with me.......!’ This can cost 4 figures. We don’t have loads of money, we only just get by, and we never have more than £500 in savings, so he said he will put it on his credit card (which will max it out!)

I am furious about this, I am fed up of his moaning, and I want to draw the line here. No WAY is this happening. It’s HIS credit card but it’s OUR bank account and joint finances that will suffer because of this, as he will pay the instalments back out of OUR money.

I want to scream at him ‘FOR GOODNESS SAKE! there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!’ Get a grip! You have had test after test after test and nothing has ever come up!' But I don’t want a row, and I don't want to make him feel bad. Maybe he does feel ill sometimes, (maybe!) but there is definitely nothing wrong with him.

I said ‘what if this MRI scan finds nothing wrong?’ (which is what will happen!) he said ‘I will ask them to redo it because there IS something wrong with me.' (There isn’t!) We are both in our 50's and he has always been a moaner, but it’s only been about his health for about 6-7 years, moreso the last 3 or so!

WWYD? I am at the end of my rope. Some days I feel torn between leaving him or killing him!

No don't say anything health related to him at all OP, because that is exactly what he wants you do, he wants you to cave in - don't. He has said he doesn't want to discuss it or say anything more about it so take him at his word and do just that.

I have very little tolerance for people who do what you describe your husband doing - all the exaggerated wincing, oohing, aahing, humphing, clutching, grimacing, etc., it is 100% attention seeking, look at me feel sorry for me behaviour and I won't enable it. I do think there is something underlying as to why someone does it but that can only be addressed and treated by professionals and your dh is unlikely to admit that that is the issue that needs resolving.

I bet if you had had a hidden camera trained on him when he didn't have an audience he would not be indulging in the dramatics.

I wonder if the comments from his work colleagues which implied they didn't believe him and were tiring of his constant ailments made him extra defensive when you also tackled him about them.

I wish you well, there is no way on this earth I could have put up with this for 7 years and for that alone I salute you.

Thanks red, for the lovely, supportive, constructive post, and you are right; I really shouldn't say anything because that IS what he wants...

And you may have a point about his workmates questioning him making him extra 'sensitive.'

I also think if I were to film him when I wasn't there, that he wouldn't wince or gripe or grimace, and I do believe it's attention seeking. But why? I just don't know... He is quite an insecure person, and does enjoy attention; like he is sometimes over friendly with random women, and sometimes he is loud and obnoxious and a bit shouty. (Not with women, but with men...)

Sometimes when we interact with others, he either has to be a 'funny man' making daft comments, or very obnoxious and a bit loud... I think he likes to be the centre of attention. Doesn't behave like this all the time, but sometimes...

he behaves like it say....... a fifth of the time ......

when we're out........

I think you've hit the nail on the head OP with your comment about him being a generally quite insecure person and needing to be the centre of attention, trying to be the 'star' of the show, someone everyone notices. The loud, obnoxious, funny stuff isn't appropriate at home or work so he goes for the 'ill' tactic instead.

He is still, however, getting your attention by creating the elephant in the room (or mammoth as you said earlier!) and no doubt the atmosphere is a bit strained at the moment, he knows you well enough to know that you want to say something to make things better and he is dying for you to do so. Can you try and be bright and breezy, talk about anything, give the impression that as far as your concerned the subject is closed, you've said what you said, he's said what he's said and it no longer needs to be thought of or discussed?

What you have described and coped with is so terribly wearing and difficult, I hope he seriously thinks about what you've said and what his colleagues are implying and maybe in time will admit he has a problem and talk to you about how to resolve it.

I do really feel for you.

It does seem that is become his way of getting love and attention from you and others. Often it happens if people learnt as a child that illnesses or injuries got a lot of care attention, but the child was treated with harshness or some lack of affection or empathy the rest of the time. It might be wuite subtle, rather than an putright terrible childhood, e.g. parents who were stressed or had not enough time for him or were emotionally unavailable.

He subconciously feels he needs care and love from you, but subconscious doesn't feel he deserves it or can ask for it, except through being ill. I bet if he could just say directly to you that he's feeling insecure and needs a hug that would be far less frustrating.

The best thing is for him to get counselling. But if that's not possible at the moment, you could try to stop the feedback cycle by showing him lots of love and interest when hes not talking about his illnesses, and pay little attention to illness related complaints. Obviously with the proviso that you don't have to put up woth any bad treatment from him.

Absolutely don't say anything to him, never ask him if he's OK, act as if you know he is.

When he starts having little whinges again, which he will, zone out. If you're watching TV, sigh loudly, and flick on the subtitles. If he takes to his bed do your own thing, don't refer to it when he finally gets up.

When he says you simply don't care about him, tell him you obviously care a lot, because you're still there and no one else would be.

Treat him like a toddler, reward good behaviour and ignore the bad. You will be doing him a massive favour in the end. But remember that you are actually not his mother. If he does what mine does, and says he has a pain, what tablets should he take? tell him to read the box, you have no idea. Make him responsible for his own health.

Believe me you will know if he gets something seriously wrong with him, you just will, it will be different, so don't waste time worrying about that.

Good luck.

Out of interest, does he ever complain about how annoying the pain is? That sounds weird but bare with me. He obviously complains about the pains, a lot. But..does he ever say This is frustrating/This pain can sod off now, I've had enough! type comments perhaps a tiny by based on a conversation I've just had with DH

It does sound like extreme attention seeking, he would probably do well in counselling/ therapy tbh.

I would not say anything, the fact that he now appears to be pain free proves that you were right all along and actually he is a liar and attention seeker.

How you can live with someone like this is beyond me but I guess time will tell if he can truly change.

I wonder if he will now internalise his issues and will probably end up depressed....

Reading this made me cry. I have severe health anxiety and it's a mental illness - the attitudes to this man are horrifying. He clearly has massive problems and needs professional help. The suggestions on how to treat him are awful - treating him like a "toddler" won't improve a mental illness. Poor man, I know how it feels and it takes over every single aspect of life. I feel for my husband who gets extremely frustrated with the situation but never would he talk about me like that.

anxious, sorry if my post was one that made you cry.

I was responding to the OP's situation which sounds very like my own, and probably quite different to yours.

My methods sound dreadful to you, but have helped my DH enormously, he is far calmer now and accepting of his health issues. We have been together a long time and I understand him well, which is where I feel the OP is coming from too.

This isn't a one size fits all situation, and it's not always down to mental illness.

That's completely fair enough - I just know what it feels like when you're convinced that death is imminent and someone tells you to get a grip and grow up. It's a horrible illness - I never thought anything like this would /could happen to me and there is little to no support available. I hope that your husband and OP's husband are able to recover well.

anxious if I can make my DH less of a drain on the health services, then that's a good thing I feel for people such as yourself , who actually need more funding.

I wish you well.

I haven't read this whole thread so apologise if I'm repeating what others may have said earlier.

My exH was like this, so much so that sometimes I'd say "how's your elbow today" (or whatever the latest ailment was) and he couldn't even remember telling me anything was wrong with it!!

When he did have genuine problems with his knee, every day after work there was an hour long debrief about how he'd coped with it that day, and yet if anyone else asked he played it down like he was just getting on with things...it drove me potty.

Anyway, I discovered a book by Louise hay called "you can heal your life" it's about how internal issue can manifest themselves into physical ailments and gave affirmations to help to try and resolve those issues. It didn't help him at all as he was also very insecure and liked my attention focussed on his physical wellbeing, but it helped me enormously.

All I keep thinking is what a drain on the NHS this man is. And I don't mean it in a bad way, I mean it in a way whereby I wait two weeks for a doctors appointment and he is seen constantly for illnesses which aren't even there for him.

Doesn't he see he's depriving people in actual need of time and genuine care from these doctors? It's just incredibly frustrating and self centred of him to have this type of behaviour and see no wrong with it. I don't think he has HA, I believe he's selfish and an attention seeker and wants to be the star of the show. If he genuinely did have HA, he'd still be wincing and grabbing and have his shoulder in a sling, what his wife has said won't have bothered him so much as to think he isn't on deaths door anymore.

anxious2017, I have health anxiety too and see the op's dh as more attention seeking than worrying about his health.

we all see things differently.

Yes anxious as I said unthread, my DH has healthy anxiety, crippling at times. He's convinced himself that symptoms such as itchy skin mean he has liver failure and is dying. It's awful to live with if I'm honest, but it's also awful for him. He's terrified when the HA takes over, it's very difficult to reassure him. He's not attention seeking. However the OP is describing quite different from my experience of HA.

Faith, if your DH is on any medication, particularly for his blood pressure, itchy skin can be a side effect. And I know this because.......we've been there.

tobedo yes he's discussed it with the GP. It started before he started the meds though. His bloods are normal so it's nothing major but it stilll bothers him.

Reading this made me cry. I have severe health anxiety and it's a mental illness - the attitudes to this man are horrifying. He clearly has massive problems and needs professional help. The suggestions on how to treat him are awful - treating him like a "toddler" won't improve a mental illness. Poor man, I know how it feels and it takes over every single aspect of life. I feel for my husband who gets extremely frustrated with the situation but never would he talk about me like that.

Anxious 2017, It's regrettable that you have severe anxiety, but I'm a loss to fathom why this is all making you cry. The posters here (who have been remarkably helpful and supportive IMO,) have been answering the posts and questions that I have been asking about my issues with my husband. No-one has belittled anyone with genuine health issues, or health anxiety, and if you read my thread thoroughly, you would see that my husband doesn't really have health anxiety...he is largely swinging the lead. Creating one ailment after another for attention.

I don't know why and understand that there is possibly some underlying mental health issue, (which i will start looking into when the dust has settled,) but I am sick of it, and as I said, I am sick of being dragged around clinics and hospitals and doctors surgeries waiting hours at a time, when nothing is wrong. And the other day, he 'needed' his sling for his 'painful' shoulder, when he was just sitting there, and yet managed to drive a 12-14 mile round trip. And him saying he wants to pay multiple 100's for a full body scan was the final straw. And as someone pointed out, he is wasting valuable NHS resources too.

Not sure why you take posts that are in response to me and my issues with my husband personally. None of them are aimed at you are they? When someone said treat him like a toddler, I think they meant 'make a fuss when he does something good or positive, and ignore him when he moans...' I think it was just a example, and was maybe worded (slightly) badly.

If people had to take their words out and look at them before they say them, for fear of offending someone who just may be affected by what they say (because they have experienced it,) no-one would ever speak. As I said, the posts are about my husband and are in response to my posts about him, so I really don't understand why you are crying.

FWIW, my husband hasn't TOUCHED his sling since Friday, OR moaned about a single pain!!! Plus he drove us to see one of our daughters today (50 mile round trip!) and although I offered to drive, he said HE would! I have his form to go in for an x ray on his shoulder, (he gave it me to look after,) and he only has a week to go get it, so I think I will leave it on his chair with a note saying 'here's your form for your x ray if you still want to go for it.' That way he can't blame ME for not having it. If he has the form himself, the ball is in his court.

^ excellently and eloquently put.

^ yes agreed.

Wow, it sounds like he's actually been called out on it and has decided to go down the route of having perfect health now - little does he know that that's actually having the opposite effect to what he wants because everyone now just thinks he's been lying all along.

I wonder how long this new attitude to himself lasts OP? I'm hoping it stays for your sake but I suspect he'll not go for the shoulder X-Ray, create a pain and then blame you for all the pain because you didn't support him going for an X-ray

^ yes exactly this.

Also, those of you who suffer with HA and have had CBT, yet still ask your loved ones for reassurance whenever you get a symptom/worrying thought - remember this is a 'safety seeking behaviour' and part of the maintenance cycle of anxiety? So I know it's hard but try to resist doing it, you don't want to relapse.

Well said user I urge to you to carry on bright and breezy, leave the form where he can see it and let him decide whether he has the X-ray or not. I would make myself unavailable though....