Advice please. Husband driving me insane with constant moaning about his health.

[user1484750550]

My husband is driving me crackers (and has been for a while, several years actually.) As much as I love him, he never stops moaning about his health. Every other week, he complains about a new ailment, and not a week goes by when he isn’t whining about something or other that is (supposedly) causing him pain.

This past fortnight, it’s his shoulder; he thinks it’s ‘fallen out of its socket,’ and he complains continually, wincing and griping every time he moves. It's so annoying!!! He got me to get a sling for him to wear at work (office job,) so he isn’t forced to do anything that ‘might make it worse.’ The other week it was his knees ‘killing him,’ then before that it was his eyes that ‘weren’t right.’ (He said he kept getting things flashing past his eyes, and he wants to go for a test at specsavers - even though he went to Boots opticians and got some new glasses in November, and his eyes were 100% fine then.)

Before that it was his hand that felt swollen and sore and tender; ‘I think I may have arthritis’ he said. Then before that it was his elbow and wrist that were ‘giving him grief.’ He says to me 'feel that, isn't that swollen?' and 'feel that, doesn't that feel cracky and weird?' It never does...

Before that, it was a migraine making him nauseous and blurring his vision, before that it was his ear fuzzing and popping and he said he thinks he’s losing his hearing, before that it was his stomach killing him, and he thought he may have stomach cancer, before that it was his heart ‘beating funny.’ He claimed ‘my heart is just not right: I don’t think I’m long for this world…’

He has had test after test after test at the doctors and the hospital this past 2 years; ECG tests for his heart found nothing, x rays on his shoulders, hands, elbows, hips, etc found nothing, blood tests found nothing, urine tests found nothing, barium meal found nothing, pipes shoved down his throat found nothing, tests on his eyes and ears found nothing...

He has had test after test after test on every part of his body. Nothing! He just claims they are all 'wrong.' and keeps going back again and again to the doctors, and says he will keep doing so until they discover something. I almost think he WANTS them to find something - but I have no idea why! Maybe so he can go on the sick and give up work! He seems DESPERATE for them to find something. Even our daughter said she thinks he would be over the moon if they said he had cancer or something!

They have tested for half a dozen different things, and he has had painkiller after painkiller, anti inflammatories, anti biotics, all sorts. ‘I think I may have fibromyalgia’ he said a while back; I am in such pain all the time.' They tested for this too. Negative. Again. He now has the strongest possible painkillers, and claims they don’t work at all. I have these painkillers and they work a treat. The doctor can give him nothing stronger.

He claimed he was depressed about 7 years back and had anti depressants every month for about 2 or 3 years. We had been receiving free prescriptions for a few years (maybe 5 or 6,) because of low income, then 3 years ago, our income exceeded the amount where you get free prescriptions, and when we had to start paying, he instantly came off the anti Depressants. ‘I’m not paying £8 every month!’ he said … Suggesting to me that he didn’t need them.

He doesn’t have much time off work, but he is always buying aids for this and that (like slings, walking sticks, arm and knee supports,) and getting prescriptions at £8-9 a time, (he seems OK with paying now!) So it’s starting to eat into our budget now.

And NOW he says he wants a full body MRI scan and is going to go private to ‘find out what’s wrong with me.......!’ This can cost 4 figures. We don’t have loads of money, we only just get by, and we never have more than £500 in savings, so he said he will put it on his credit card (which will max it out!)

I am furious about this, I am fed up of his moaning, and I want to draw the line here. No WAY is this happening. It’s HIS credit card but it’s OUR bank account and joint finances that will suffer because of this, as he will pay the instalments back out of OUR money.

I want to scream at him ‘FOR GOODNESS SAKE! there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!’ Get a grip! You have had test after test after test and nothing has ever come up!' But I don’t want a row, and I don't want to make him feel bad. Maybe he does feel ill sometimes, (maybe!) but there is definitely nothing wrong with him.

I said ‘what if this MRI scan finds nothing wrong?’ (which is what will happen!) he said ‘I will ask them to redo it because there IS something wrong with me.' (There isn’t!) We are both in our 50's and he has always been a moaner, but it’s only been about his health for about 6-7 years, moreso the last 3 or so!

WWYD? I am at the end of my rope. Some days I feel torn between leaving him or killing him!

Excellent response user.

I hope this new version of your dh lasts! As you rightly say once the dust has settled you could have a discussion with your dh as to the possible underlying causes for his behaviour.

Take care of yourself.

great post user, totally agree with all you said.

user - Why do you invalidate the feelings of the person who admitted being upset in this thread? You seem to have a habit of dismissing other's feelings, blaming them for having them and refusing to accept you just might play a part in it and because you can't understand them, you invalidate them. I wonder if there is an issue with your ability to empathise with others or see your role in anything. A more humble response to this hugely upset poster might be to acknowledge that whilst you don't understand or have personal experience of their issues, you recognise they are upset and you have empathy for their suffering. There's something quite cold and ignorant and arrogant about how you seem to respond to people's feelings by divorcing yourself from any role in them. Do you think you maybe do have an intolerance towards anyone who is genuinely suffering especially if you cannot frame it into a neat label in your mind?

Husband has probably bought pain meds off the Internet or done something you're unaware of to manage pain or is simply just now unable to accept his situation because he has no support and pushing himself to do more. You do know op that chronic pain doesn't necessarily stop someone from doing certain things but they later pay the price with pain? I can't believe you would treat someone you claim to love in this way. You've simply shut him down, made him out a liar and implied you won't tolerate any more indications from him that he's struggling. I've seen this before and it didn't end well. One day you could well live to deeply regret this behaviour,which would be very sad.

He probably has fibromyalga. The doctor cannot have tested him for it as the diagnosis is arrived out by ruling out other possible causes. One of the treatments is antidepressants so that may be why it has got worse since he stopped them.

How did you find this thread Dovecare? It’s over four years old

Zombie 🧟‍♀️ zombie 🧟‍♂️ 🧟 (although I’d LOVE an update, @user1484750550)

Hi there,

I may be late to the party but I’m invested in your thread and I sympathise with you greatly. I’m wondering how things are going now?

I too am going through a difficult time with my other half and find I am at my wits end. He works away and he has been flown back early due to complaints about his physical health. We have been to doctors appointment after doctors appointment, ECG’s, MRI’s, blood tests you name it. They have all come back negative he has now engaged brain training and a naturopath to find something wrong and now has a jumbo pill organiser and taking 8 vitamins/minerals a day.

It’s gotten so bad if there’s an ad on the TV about an illness he starts to believe he has it. We can’t watch shows on TV about medical illnesses because it triggers him. My dad was recently on life support and he complained he was really struggling seeing him that way (admittedly so was I but I felt I had to carry him, my family and my dad). He flew home early and I did not because I wanted to support my dad and he called me crying at night begging me to come home because he needs me. I recently had nose surgery and he came to visit me in the hospital but complained he has a really sore nose because of his flu and blowing his nose so much. I told him that this behaviour leads to me resenting him and it’s times like this that I need support and he said he knows he should be my rock but he just can’t let go of his issues.

He calls his mum most nights to calm him down and convince him he’s not dying (he’s 30). His mum also gets like this and has just bought very expensive glasses which said has changed her life and made her feel balanced again. I don’t believe she needs this and it’s just the latest thing she’s obsessed over. My boyfriend is aware she does this and said he is afraid he will become like her but still insists on engaging with her which I find makes him and his symptoms worse. We even went away for a weekend and his mother called me (I ignored) then him crying saying she’s in pain and we need to drive down and take her to the hospital (she lives 5 minutes from but gets scared driving sometimes) to which we felt guilty for going away and not being available. She went to hospital but then went home again with pain killers.

He truly is a good person but what we are going through at the moment is leaving me exhausted. I don’t know where to go next. Any advice would be helpful if you have also navigated through this situation.

This is a zombie thread but just felt compelled to post.

I have M.E, psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. I often have chronic pain.

I was abused as a child and a lot of people know my background as I was in foster care and don't have a traditional family. So, when they hear that I'm ill but they can't see anything wrong they imagine it's some kind of psychosomatic issue.

The reality is probably that I have a genetic predisposition to autoimmune illnesses which has been triggered by traumatic life events.

I wasn't aware of how much of a stigma there is around hidden disabilities and invisible illness until I started dating my current partner. When I was younger I was in a relationship with a doctor, who always took my health seriously.

However after a couple of years of being together my current partner also had a conversation with me about how my being ill is all in my head, it's just because I get anxious, I'm doing it to avoid events I don't like, etc etc.

Sadly the reality is that I do experience chronic pain, take more painkillers than he realises and often miss out on fun things in my life so that I can hold down a full time demanding job, which I've done for years.

I absolutely lost respect for my partner when he had a conversation with me much like the OP did here. I feel like she probably significantly damaged her relationship, egged on by a variety of Mumsnet armchair psychologists who are ignorant about a whole host of illnesses that don't have clear medical indicators and are still being researched by the medical profession. For years epilepsy was thought to not be a real illness.

My perception of my partner significantly changed after he had a conversation with me about how it was 'all in my head'. It fundamentally changed my attitude to our relationship and I now simply don't tell him much about my experiences of my health. The reason OPs partner went quiet is likely to simply be that he has realised she isn't the sort of person that he thought she was and realised she has been judging him for a long time, so has decided to stop sharing and sees the relationship in a different, probably more functional and transactional and less loving light.

I could easily be wrong. But I also shut down after my partner had that type of conversation with me. It broke my trust in him. When I am feeling cynical I wonder what will happen one day when he gets ill.

I would be interested to hear an update from the OP and pleased if I'm wrong after all!

I have bursitis which has caused me constant pain over several years. I had surgery last week ( it is my right arm) it is very stiff and painful and for me right now, I would not feel comfortable driving as I wouldn't feel that I was in full control of my car. So I call Bullshit on his claims that his shoulder is that painful.
I feel your pain, literally. My MIL is the exact same, I shit you not. She is at the doc once a week, demanding scans , blood tests etc. I have a medical condition where my doc has asked me to record my blood pressure so I bought a bp monitor. She uses it 3 times a day !!
She stays with us a month at a time as we live overseas. Today, after a bad nights sleep due to my shoulder pain, I snapped . Was putting my bread in the toaster when she starts huffing and ' oh dear..img', going on about calling her husband to arrange a doc appointment about her backache ( it's maybe kidney stones 🙄). I rather more loudly than I thought, said ' Fuck sake, not this again' . She taken herself to her bedroom with the door firmly closed.
Yeah living with this nonsense on a constant basis is so frustrating and draining. As you say it's like they want to have a terminal diagnosis. Ugh, I genuinely feel bad for you

Ps it's 1999 here ... nearly the noughties but I'm stuck here - hope I can't still
Come ?

Wrong post sorry !