Advice please. Husband driving me insane with constant moaning about his health.

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My husband is driving me crackers (and has been for a while, several years actually.) As much as I love him, he never stops moaning about his health. Every other week, he complains about a new ailment, and not a week goes by when he isn’t whining about something or other that is (supposedly) causing him pain.

This past fortnight, it’s his shoulder; he thinks it’s ‘fallen out of its socket,’ and he complains continually, wincing and griping every time he moves. It's so annoying!!! He got me to get a sling for him to wear at work (office job,) so he isn’t forced to do anything that ‘might make it worse.’ The other week it was his knees ‘killing him,’ then before that it was his eyes that ‘weren’t right.’ (He said he kept getting things flashing past his eyes, and he wants to go for a test at specsavers - even though he went to Boots opticians and got some new glasses in November, and his eyes were 100% fine then.)

Before that it was his hand that felt swollen and sore and tender; ‘I think I may have arthritis’ he said. Then before that it was his elbow and wrist that were ‘giving him grief.’ He says to me 'feel that, isn't that swollen?' and 'feel that, doesn't that feel cracky and weird?' It never does...

Before that, it was a migraine making him nauseous and blurring his vision, before that it was his ear fuzzing and popping and he said he thinks he’s losing his hearing, before that it was his stomach killing him, and he thought he may have stomach cancer, before that it was his heart ‘beating funny.’ He claimed ‘my heart is just not right: I don’t think I’m long for this world…’

He has had test after test after test at the doctors and the hospital this past 2 years; ECG tests for his heart found nothing, x rays on his shoulders, hands, elbows, hips, etc found nothing, blood tests found nothing, urine tests found nothing, barium meal found nothing, pipes shoved down his throat found nothing, tests on his eyes and ears found nothing...

He has had test after test after test on every part of his body. Nothing! He just claims they are all 'wrong.' and keeps going back again and again to the doctors, and says he will keep doing so until they discover something. I almost think he WANTS them to find something - but I have no idea why! Maybe so he can go on the sick and give up work! He seems DESPERATE for them to find something. Even our daughter said she thinks he would be over the moon if they said he had cancer or something!

They have tested for half a dozen different things, and he has had painkiller after painkiller, anti inflammatories, anti biotics, all sorts. ‘I think I may have fibromyalgia’ he said a while back; I am in such pain all the time.' They tested for this too. Negative. Again. He now has the strongest possible painkillers, and claims they don’t work at all. I have these painkillers and they work a treat. The doctor can give him nothing stronger.

He claimed he was depressed about 7 years back and had anti depressants every month for about 2 or 3 years. We had been receiving free prescriptions for a few years (maybe 5 or 6,) because of low income, then 3 years ago, our income exceeded the amount where you get free prescriptions, and when we had to start paying, he instantly came off the anti Depressants. ‘I’m not paying £8 every month!’ he said … Suggesting to me that he didn’t need them.

He doesn’t have much time off work, but he is always buying aids for this and that (like slings, walking sticks, arm and knee supports,) and getting prescriptions at £8-9 a time, (he seems OK with paying now!) So it’s starting to eat into our budget now.

And NOW he says he wants a full body MRI scan and is going to go private to ‘find out what’s wrong with me.......!’ This can cost 4 figures. We don’t have loads of money, we only just get by, and we never have more than £500 in savings, so he said he will put it on his credit card (which will max it out!)

I am furious about this, I am fed up of his moaning, and I want to draw the line here. No WAY is this happening. It’s HIS credit card but it’s OUR bank account and joint finances that will suffer because of this, as he will pay the instalments back out of OUR money.

I want to scream at him ‘FOR GOODNESS SAKE! there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!’ Get a grip! You have had test after test after test and nothing has ever come up!' But I don’t want a row, and I don't want to make him feel bad. Maybe he does feel ill sometimes, (maybe!) but there is definitely nothing wrong with him.

I said ‘what if this MRI scan finds nothing wrong?’ (which is what will happen!) he said ‘I will ask them to redo it because there IS something wrong with me.' (There isn’t!) We are both in our 50's and he has always been a moaner, but it’s only been about his health for about 6-7 years, moreso the last 3 or so!

WWYD? I am at the end of my rope. Some days I feel torn between leaving him or killing him!

Oh ok thanks tobedo. Sorry to hear you had health issues because of always having to support your DH.

As I said, the more I think about this, the more mad I am getting, because I have supported him for so many years now and always been there for him at every appointment at every clinic, hospital, x ray, doctors etc, and have always run around after him, and now I am an evil witch for actually suggesting he may not be really ill after all, but may be possibly imagining the symptoms...... because surely they would have found something by now wouldn't they? sigh

Just to clear apnoea. You don't have to be seriously overweight to suffer from it but snoring is the symptom. I'd encourage him to look onto it as it results in tiredness and may lead to an early death.

You're not gonna believe this, but he has been to a sleep clinic too. He had the little pack with the wires and pads and stuff to wear overnight, and he took the kit back to the sleep clinic. No sleep apnoea.

Not necessarily. It does sound very much like health anxiety. BUT I have had all sorts of health problems for years. Lots and lots if different things that vary and fluctuate. More and more symptoms appear over time. Periodically I go to the doctor who test and "find nothing wrong". This has been going on for years.

Recently however I have started to have some borderline and low thyroid and vitamin level results. Having done a bit of research it's apparently a thing that you can have hypothyroid symptoms for years before your bloods show abnormality. Thyroid hormones affect every cell in your body so can cause a multitude of symptoms.

During all of this I have been told my doctors many times that they "don't have all the answers".

So don't think that just because doctors can't find anything in all the tests, that it means there isn't any physical problem. There could be. Maybe it doesn't show yet, or it could be something medicine doesn't know about yet.

And even if there isn't a physical problem, it sounds like there is a mental health problem which is just as valid and just as much needs treatment as any physical condition. So either way, sounds like your DH needs help and support.

Good luck.

Yes I agree he needs help and support, but I have always given him this..... As I said, I HAVE supported him over and over for YEARS now, going to clinics with him, and hospitals, and the doctors etc, even taking time off to take him, and drive him, I mean multiple dozens of times, and this is the thanks I get. He won't have mental health support, because he clearly thinks he has no mental health issue, he is super ill all the time, and I am an utter cow.

User I have a lot of sympathy. My father in-laws complaints about his physical health reached sufficiently epic proportions that he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a number of weeks. It had come to a point where it was either him, or my poor mil, whos own mental health was degenerating under the onslaught of his obsession.
You are not a cow.
Nor should be expect to be able to burden you with his , real or imagined anxieties in the fashion he does. The "truth" of his condition is immaterial to his treatment of you.
He does need counseling, because he has lost sight of the balance in your relationship and has unrealistic expectations of you and also seems to be loosing sight of socialy acceptable behaviour.

What does he actually think he has got? Is it one thing he is convinced he has or is it just a list of varied ailments?

I don't know much about health anxiety but it doesn't sound like he is scared he has cancer or a particular illness/condition.

I have Health Anxiety and OCD, it's absolutely awful to live with, and it can completely take over your life. I constantly worry I have cancer, have been like this since the age of 16 - I am 33 now 😔 Pregnancy made it 10 X worse. What your DH is like makes me think it's more than HA, it seems very extreme! I am very aware that I 'may' be over reacting, but when you are in that situation it is hard to think straight, but I don't tend to mention it to my husband- in fact I hide it! And if something worries me that much I will see the doctor and their opinion/ results will put my mind at rest (until the next time!!!! 😂😂 I tend not to visit the doctor unless I absolutely have to anyway. CBT helped with my OCD, but not at all with my health anxiety - the medicine I take takes the edge off it though.

Having HA does notmean he can act all self obsessed and make his partner's life a misery

Obviously not saying LTB, but something needs to change! You can't live like this.

If he refuses to acknowledge he needs help with his anxiety, that makes things pretty tough for both of you!

op, I havent been able to fully read your tread, so sorry if I'm asking something you already answered.

I feel theres 2 things going on with your dh, first, extreme attention seeking, taken to new levels, and its became a habit he cant break out of

second, he has got health anxiety for sure, and something has triggered it. when it all started, or started getting worse, had he lost someone very close to him, like a parent or a sibling?

sorry, meant to say, I have health anxiety and its really crap, I wouldn't wish it on anyone..but IME the people I've met with this tend to internalize it and dont talk about it, hide it away, which of course makes it worse, but they dont usually inflict it on all their family all the time, which makes me think its an attention seeking, controlling thing more than anything

and you're not a cow, you are a saint for putting up with this behaviour for so long....I can imagine hes pissed off when you're ill as its not all about him then.

I too wondered if he lost a parent a few years ago. This certainly made my DH much worse, he is terrified of dying and finds it impossible to accept the aging process. Although he's never had a serious illness in his life, he feels very hard done by that his health isn't perfect.

I have to say though, that your DH sounds very extreme, it seems as though he's reaching some sort of crisis point. This might be a good thing, he really does need help.

How is he behaving this morning, OP?

I think you handled it really well yesterday - sounds like you were calm and honest, and it's not your fault he took it so badly.

Whatever happens, I think you should definitely stop taking him to appointments etc.

When I attended appointments with DH it was surprising how differently we interpreted the information given. I listened carefully, while he would talk rather than listen, as though he had gone to unburden himself, rather than learn anything. He always had a long, often irrelevant, list of things he wanted to say.

If I hadn't gone to appointments, I would have had a very skewed version of what actually happened.

I don't think it's M syndrome (fabricated illness) because many reasons - he doesn't seem to have a purpose to this (like trying to swindle money or to leave his job) or doctor shopping and although he has reacted badly he isn't manipulating and calculating different plots.

He believes this and is very hurt about what you said, although I actually think you said the right things. I've spoken to my daughter like that before and my mother because actually i want to help not make someone feel bad. And neither took it well but it did make a difference.

What always plays on my mind for myself and others is crying wolf. I am super cautious that the one time it's serious I won't believe DD or I won't be believed. It's easier to help children through this than adults. It could be that THIS time it's actually something real, but to him it feels real and it's making him very unhappy. He needs some counselling.

Your husband has some very unpleasant personality traits. He's very manipulative and you now know he was lying about his shoulder considering he was able to drive. Slamming doors , being pitiful,This is not normal adult behaviour. He sounds to me like a covert narcissist. Unlike the typical loud mouth narcissist, coverts get their supply of attention by playing the victim, fake tears fake illnesses and they are incredibly manipulative.

If your husband has a history of lying and revelling in victimhood I would look into this.

Hi again all, and thanks once again for your lovely replies, and your support, and for not making me feel like a total nasty evil cow, which is how he is making me feel.

I did speak to someone in private chat on another forum about this (who I talk to sometimes,) and she said she thinks it did sound like it could be HA, but the reaction from him suggests he is just a whiney attention seeker who blows the smallest niggle out of proportion, and he has exploded because he has been called out on it. (so to speak.)

I do wonder if he does genuinely feel aches and pains though, but I still maintain that nothing is wrong, or they would have found it by now. Then again, it IS possible that he is just an attention seeker and the truth hurts! It's upsetting that he said 'don't bother me with anything you have wrong with you either in future!' I mean, where does that leave us as a married couple? And I genuinely would care for him and support him if it were a GENUINE problem, but it never is.

I was telling him this last night, but he wasn't listening; he just instantly painted me as the horrible uncaring unsupportive bitch of a wife who was calling him a liar! No matter how many times I said 'no, that is NOT what I am saying, you are hearing what you WANT to hear,' he wasn't having any of it.'

Like I said, I didn't accuse him of lying; I just said I think his aches and pains may be psychosomatic, as they have given him multiple dozens of tests over 4-5 years, and nothing has ever come up positive.

This is so typically him though; when something happens that he doesn't like, he acts passive aggressive and then goes off one, storms off, drives off somewhere for an hour, then comes back and goes to bed. THEN he manages to make me feel like it's all my fault; and I am in the wrong; no matter what has happened. Doesn't happen too often, like maybe 5 times a year, but he behaves the same every time. Very childish. Going into a sulk. (He is still in bed now BTW! I am going off out soon and shan't be back til tea time. I am not staying in a house with such a poisonous atmosphere. As far as I'm concerned now, he owes me an apology.)

I am just so sick of his moaning and whingeing now, about his 'aches and pains.' I mean, why does he think I need to hear it?! He says (occasionally ;) 'well YOU are the only one i have to complain to!' So fucking what? That's not MY problem is it? Plus that doesn't mean he has the right to constantly whinge every day about his non existent health problems. That's when he is not complaining about work!

And yes as someone asked earlier, he ISN'T too interested on the very rare occasion I am ill, because it takes the attention away from him.

As I said, the straw that broke the came's back yesterday, was when he mentioned the full body MRI again that he was prepared to pay for, and his CONSTANT fumbling and rawling about squeezing his shoulder and moaning and grunting in the middle of something we were watching, and then running out to the car to get his sling as his shoulder was 'murdering him.' WTF, he was just sitting there, why would it have been hurting?! He wasn't doing anything with it!

The only people he's lost who are close are his folks (20 years ago.) They were both around 70 - but I lost mine too, (15-16 years ago,) in fact I know many people whose parents have died, and they are not like this! He has a brother but they rarely have contact and he lives 100s of miles away... and as I said, he has only really been like this about 6-7 years, and the past 3 or so have been the worst for some reason. So I would've thought if this was an issue, it would have manifested much sooner...not long after his folks died.

Also, to the poster 'all of me,' it is multiple health issues, and I have taken him/gone with him to hospital appointments, clinics, blood tests, x rays etc, spending hours and hours at a time just sitting there, for nothing, because there is never anything wrong. For the record, I didn't go to the doctors with him 2 weeks ago as I had a migraine (I get them twice monthly and never complain!) and he went into a sulk as he was 'on his own,' and was funny with me all day, and half the next day!)

Bymdnc, it's good to know that when you confronted people, they were furious, but it did make a difference, and did help. The problem is though, there is no way in hell that he will seek counselling, because he sees nothing mentally wrong, just physically.

He sounds worse and worse with every post, OP! What a spoilt child he is, sulking with you because you had a migraine and couldn't go to the doctor with him.

Don't back down. However much he may have a genuine mental health / anxiety issue, that doesn't mean he has to act like a twat.

Divorce him & leave him to his misery.
What an existence to be leading.

I'm a HCP. Sounds like classic health anxiety to me. Best treatment is psychological referral. The treadmill of test after test is a self-perpetuating cycle. Sounds like GP needs to put their foot down as it's not helpful long term. I know it can be difficult for people to accept this label, especially men. Has GP suggested psychological referral?

He is getting a lot of attention from it isn't he if colleagues are contacting him outside work to ask how his shoulder is.

Re the aches and pains, it might not be psychosomatic but as you say in earlier posts when you get to your 50s you do start to stiffen up a bit. I have never had back pain in my life but I am in my early 50s and have started to get a sore back if I drive for too long and I have also started making that oof noise when I get out of bed. That's normal ish I think and I won't bother the doctor with it. I know people who have been fit and sporty all their lives and they get a lot of aches and pains these days.

I support you in seeing how difficult this will be to move forward, it's very hard when one person just doesn't want to think about how the other feels - he's so consumed by himself he can't see where this leaves you.

Personally, this would drive me up the wall! Hats off to you for putting up with him, I just couldn't. And I would stop enabling him by attending all these appointments and wasting hours and hours in waiting rooms. Get on with your life!

Well I don't really want to divorce him, as I do actually love him and care about him, but this is driving me to the edge tbh. I feel (right now) that if he left me tomorrow, I wouldn't care, and would feel relief. He won't leave though, because he has no-one else. Plus, I can't imagine another SOUL putting up with this shit.

No doctor has put him forward for psychological referral because I am not aware they think there is anything mentally wrong with him. I am at a loss to fathom why it hasn't been picked up yet that he has had so many visits and tests. Thing is, in our surgery, there are 12 regular docs and often locums and temps and trainees, so you can go 10-12 times over say, 5-6 months, and not see the same one twice.

One doctor did say (about a year ago,) 'what's wrong now?!' and this made him angry as he appeared to be suggesting he is always ill (He is!) and DH didn't go back for several months, but he soon got back into the habit again, when he found more sympathetic doctors.

I do sometimes wonder how long I can tolerate all this, but frankly, I don't really want to leave him - I just want all this to stop. Things are bad atm.

op, after your last post, I really dont think this is health anxiety, and before anyone says anything, I have health anxiety and have the utmost sympathy with anyone who has it.

I think he is emotionally abusing you, and as you have a kind and loving nature, you have fell for it over time . In other words, if you were the unsympathetic cow he makes you thinks you are you would have called him out long ago. But you're not, so you go to appointments and listen to everything he says. But the minute he thinks you might stop listening he becomes aggressive and nasty and shows his true colours leaving you confused , hurt and angry at his about turn.

You could waste years trying to get him counselling, or his MRI scan, or whatever he dreams up next. Or you could spend time on yourself ( I can imagine you have been pretty neglected over all this time) and build up your self confidence till you can see your relationship for what it really is.

Ultimately, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man>> your gut reaction will tell you...

This relationship board has lots of brilliant advice , I'd look at a few of the threads that you think might apply to you, and none of them will be about health,