Advice please. Husband driving me insane with constant moaning about his health.

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My husband is driving me crackers (and has been for a while, several years actually.) As much as I love him, he never stops moaning about his health. Every other week, he complains about a new ailment, and not a week goes by when he isn’t whining about something or other that is (supposedly) causing him pain.

This past fortnight, it’s his shoulder; he thinks it’s ‘fallen out of its socket,’ and he complains continually, wincing and griping every time he moves. It's so annoying!!! He got me to get a sling for him to wear at work (office job,) so he isn’t forced to do anything that ‘might make it worse.’ The other week it was his knees ‘killing him,’ then before that it was his eyes that ‘weren’t right.’ (He said he kept getting things flashing past his eyes, and he wants to go for a test at specsavers - even though he went to Boots opticians and got some new glasses in November, and his eyes were 100% fine then.)

Before that it was his hand that felt swollen and sore and tender; ‘I think I may have arthritis’ he said. Then before that it was his elbow and wrist that were ‘giving him grief.’ He says to me 'feel that, isn't that swollen?' and 'feel that, doesn't that feel cracky and weird?' It never does...

Before that, it was a migraine making him nauseous and blurring his vision, before that it was his ear fuzzing and popping and he said he thinks he’s losing his hearing, before that it was his stomach killing him, and he thought he may have stomach cancer, before that it was his heart ‘beating funny.’ He claimed ‘my heart is just not right: I don’t think I’m long for this world…’

He has had test after test after test at the doctors and the hospital this past 2 years; ECG tests for his heart found nothing, x rays on his shoulders, hands, elbows, hips, etc found nothing, blood tests found nothing, urine tests found nothing, barium meal found nothing, pipes shoved down his throat found nothing, tests on his eyes and ears found nothing...

He has had test after test after test on every part of his body. Nothing! He just claims they are all 'wrong.' and keeps going back again and again to the doctors, and says he will keep doing so until they discover something. I almost think he WANTS them to find something - but I have no idea why! Maybe so he can go on the sick and give up work! He seems DESPERATE for them to find something. Even our daughter said she thinks he would be over the moon if they said he had cancer or something!

They have tested for half a dozen different things, and he has had painkiller after painkiller, anti inflammatories, anti biotics, all sorts. ‘I think I may have fibromyalgia’ he said a while back; I am in such pain all the time.' They tested for this too. Negative. Again. He now has the strongest possible painkillers, and claims they don’t work at all. I have these painkillers and they work a treat. The doctor can give him nothing stronger.

He claimed he was depressed about 7 years back and had anti depressants every month for about 2 or 3 years. We had been receiving free prescriptions for a few years (maybe 5 or 6,) because of low income, then 3 years ago, our income exceeded the amount where you get free prescriptions, and when we had to start paying, he instantly came off the anti Depressants. ‘I’m not paying £8 every month!’ he said … Suggesting to me that he didn’t need them.

He doesn’t have much time off work, but he is always buying aids for this and that (like slings, walking sticks, arm and knee supports,) and getting prescriptions at £8-9 a time, (he seems OK with paying now!) So it’s starting to eat into our budget now.

And NOW he says he wants a full body MRI scan and is going to go private to ‘find out what’s wrong with me.......!’ This can cost 4 figures. We don’t have loads of money, we only just get by, and we never have more than £500 in savings, so he said he will put it on his credit card (which will max it out!)

I am furious about this, I am fed up of his moaning, and I want to draw the line here. No WAY is this happening. It’s HIS credit card but it’s OUR bank account and joint finances that will suffer because of this, as he will pay the instalments back out of OUR money.

I want to scream at him ‘FOR GOODNESS SAKE! there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!’ Get a grip! You have had test after test after test and nothing has ever come up!' But I don’t want a row, and I don't want to make him feel bad. Maybe he does feel ill sometimes, (maybe!) but there is definitely nothing wrong with him.

I said ‘what if this MRI scan finds nothing wrong?’ (which is what will happen!) he said ‘I will ask them to redo it because there IS something wrong with me.' (There isn’t!) We are both in our 50's and he has always been a moaner, but it’s only been about his health for about 6-7 years, moreso the last 3 or so!

WWYD? I am at the end of my rope. Some days I feel torn between leaving him or killing him!

It's been going on for 7 years, he refuses to admit it's a problem, he goes in a huff like a child.
You have wasted hours of your life sitting in waiting rooms at hospitals & clinics.
How is this going to get any better, you can't even watch TV without him moaning & groaning.
Seriously is this what you want for the rest of your life? You'll end up losing it and putting him out his misery yourself.

Thanks ssd. As I said, I don't really want to leave and he is OK most of the time, but this one thing (moaning about his health) and his horrible passive aggressive and manipulative behaviour just leaves me cold. I have tolerated it for a long time now. I do everything for him, I always support him (and always have,) and because I had the temerity to suggest his aches and pains MAY be psychosomatic, he has gone mental. I am very upset and angry at the moment, and don't know what to say or do when he gets up later.

Meant to also mention fannyfifer in that post above too. ^ :)

Yeah I DO wonder if it will ever get better. Hopefully, this will be the thing that starts him behaving better.

Or maybe we will end up divorcing!

We'll see.

I'm not surprised you are upset and angry OP! Is he still in bed sulking?

When he gets up, maybe you could suggest you attend couples counselling together? He sounds so self centred. He needs to wake up and see how awful this is for you!

Wanted to add that he isn't manipulative and passive aggressive all the time, just occasionally, and we get on fine most of the time, but it's horrible on the occasions he is like this.

I think the fact that no doctor has put him down for psychological referral is because they know he doesn't need it. I know doctors can miss stuff, but over time, someone would have picked this up if they thought it would have helped him. I had to wait 8 months for CBT to help with my health anxiety, the waiting list for genuine cases is a mile long. Maybe the doctors know it'll be twice that length is they refer people like your husband and all the others on this thread who posters have mentioned. I can imagine they think "his poor bloody wife" when he walks out the surgery.

Yes 'allthelight' he is still in bed. I am going out soon and shan't be back til late afternoon. I am dreading another showdown.

Haven't read all the thread but I wonder if he does have real aches and pains which he escalates through his anxiety.

Constantly feeling unwell does drag you down. I do have a moan to dh , in a get it off my chest kind of way and he knows I make great efforts to be well.
I wonder if all his medication over the years have left him with side effects.
I've had a load of blood tests and they've all come back clear which is great news but then when I'm still not well you wonder why.

Despite not eating gluten or lactose my stomach was blown up like a hot air balloon yesterday.

My friend describes it as always being one degree under. So bloody true.
I don't have depression so I can laugh it off and joke about it but I would be a nightmare if I had.
He might have food intolerances that are causing inflammation in his body.

ssd maybe you're right, maybe the docs DO know he's just a hypochondriac, but if that's the case, why keep referring him for tests and scans and x rays? They are just enabling him.

Someone (professional) needs to tell him there is nothing wrong and it's all in his head.

Thing is dowser, there is only so much someone can tolerate of someone complaining and whingeing about everything before they snap. Especially when nothing is EVER proven.

They can't really take that risk can they. They are obliged to rule out with tests if someone presents with particular symptoms that impact their life. If a GP was suspicious of HA they would ask him to come back in x weeks/days to reassess the situation, keep an eye on things

they refer him because they have to, if a doctor hears "I have a pain in my arm/leg/head/stomach", they have duty of care to the patient, they have to follow guidelines. They arent in a position to say "go away and grow up". But you are.

also, they cant tell him theres nothing wrong, they cant ever tell any of us that, as they cant see the future or guarantee perfect health for any of us

harsh though this sounds, you are the enabler and he is the abuser.

what you do about it is up to you, accepting it first is the hardest part.

So much sense from ssd.

I'll mention in passing that he could have psoriatic arthritis - same symptoms as RA but negative blood test. You would expect there to be a relative of his with psoriasis even if he's never has lesions.

However he is being an immature attention seeker who is being abusive towards you when your not behaving how he wants.

Perhaps give him 15 mins per day when he can whine all he wants bit the rest of the time he needs to just deal with it like most older adults do, most of us have some pain or health issues!!!!

Thanks so much ssd and bumdnc and tobedo and everyone else too. It's so great to be able to offload on here. I have to go now, but will be back later to update ...

Along with another poster upthread, I'm now getting that 'mid fifties, everything hurts' thing. Lower back, knees, ankles, shoulders, rapid heartbeat...and sometimes, in the dark of the night, I'm convinced there's something really wrong.

But then, daylight comes and I'm out of bed and going for a run and thinking 'yep, slipping on mud WILL make my ankles ache, sitting too long WILL make my back hurt'. It sounds like your husband is missing that ability to analyse his own behaviour and put two and two together (ageing, plus activity = aches). His inability to match your behaviour with his own (he moans, so you are sick of it) and his desire to make himself in the right at all times...it sounds like simple bullying. Of course he's feeling worse in the last few years, that's natural ageing, but he really can't see it, can he?

It's easy to say 'he needs a hobby', but how do you persuade someone who thinks they are seriously ill to get a hobby? WHY is he divorcing natural ageing from increasing symptoms? I have a little of this with my OH, but when he does the 'I probably won't live until I'm 70', I reply with either humour or sarcasm 'let's hope not, you're insured aren't you?' but, because he's generally a nice guy, he just laughs. Your husband sounds as though he's got some fundamental disconnect thing going on.

RandomMess, my DH became convinced he had psoriatic arthritis, he had quite quite full on treatment for a year with some severe side effects.

Conclusion from consultant... he never had it. The constant badgering for tests meant he was over diagnosed because he wouldn't let anything go.

My friend has PA. believe me, you know when you've got it!!

My DH does have PA and fortunately responded well to methotrexate within 6 months of starting it, still in some pain every day, doesn't moan about it though he just hobbles around when barefoot! Had his first cold in 2.5 years and is utterly floored

He had to fight with the GP for his referral as it was quite clearly "just" Vit D deficiency making him so ill...

This most definitely sounds like HEDS to me (Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobility type). Most people with it go undiagnosed for years, even decades, as very very few doctors are aware of it. It won't show up on xrays or MRIs or blood tests. And people with it usually spend their lives being labelled as hypochondriacs or being told it's anxiety, basically what most people on this thread have said.

HEDS also appears to be linked to vitamin deficiencies, especially B12 and D. Neither of these will be tested by a dr unless requested and aren't included on FBCs. The ranges for both are too low and so even when tested and told 'normal' it is not always the case. B12 especially needs to be about 500 rather than 180 which is considered normal.

I would definitely be looking into all this before labelling him with Munchusens or anxiety

Definitely sounds like health anxiety from what you have written.
Sometimes anxiety sufferers are the type to keep things in their own head and some constantly vocalise their feelings looking for reassurance or validation. Either way the negative thought processes are the same and the longer it goes the more obsessive and constant they become and it's crippling. Is he generally up and down or are the comments constant?
It's especially hard if they don't realise the issue is their negative obsessive thoughts....this is where CBT helps and is the first major step to recovery. Your husband should spend the money on private cbt counselling not a scan (or NHS but private often quicker and you may have more luck finding someone near you who deals a lot with HA). Sometimes with health anxiety there may be something wrong physically but for them the thoughts about it rule their life as opposed to a healthy level of concern- very much like body dysmorphia.
If this sounds a possible explanation, if you can get in the mindset that it's the MH condition causing it, not any desire to wish to be in pain/ill for attention then it may give you that little more patience that you are going to need. for you as it is so hard supporting someone with these issues.

Admittedly I'm not a specialist and I don't know much about HA or Munchausens however the following strikes me, and any HA sufferers can jump in and tell me if what I'm saying is correct.

HA means people think they're ill when they're not, but don't go out of the way to make sure their friends, family, work all know about their illnesses. It seems to be they think they have something extreme like cancer and it's pretty easy for a doctor to deduce from this the person may have HA

OP's husband is visiting different doctors, creating a new illness when the previous one is proven doesn't exist, using aids and supports to make sure everyone knows he's sick and constantly complaining of the pain. Surely that's not right? I truly believe he's an attention seeking sociopath and when was proven wrong he stormed out and basically his argument about his shoulder was flawed straight away. It's all made up! That proved he isn't feeling pain last night. Then the whole passive aggressive behaviour - well I won't go to a doctor again and it's all your fault I'm not blah blah. If I didn't know better I'd say he was a teenager!

I don't personally think it's HA as sufferers like the people on his thread don't have this passive aggressive nature and don't try to make sure everyone knows about it. Personally I've no idea what it is other than extreme attention seeking, like he needs to be ill for you to love him. My parents are early 50's and feel aches and pains but would never dream of acting this way!

The way you handled things sounds good but coming from you will be very hard for him to take because you were the person he could rely on for a response to his concerns in the way he wants (short term reassurance or even just not calling him out on what he's saying will perpetuate the negative thought cycles which is what the condition 'feeds' on) and he now sounds frightened and lashing out. Also sounds depressed.
I think it has to come from the gp.
Also a relative of mine has diagnosed HA and he spends all day every day talking about his ailments and wanting reassurance he is ok.

Totally understand people's reactions seeing it from your perspective but you sound a loving and supportive wife who he is very lucky to have and with the right help one day he will hopefully be thanking you.