Advice please. Husband driving me insane with constant moaning about his health.

[user1484750550]

My husband is driving me crackers (and has been for a while, several years actually.) As much as I love him, he never stops moaning about his health. Every other week, he complains about a new ailment, and not a week goes by when he isn’t whining about something or other that is (supposedly) causing him pain.

This past fortnight, it’s his shoulder; he thinks it’s ‘fallen out of its socket,’ and he complains continually, wincing and griping every time he moves. It's so annoying!!! He got me to get a sling for him to wear at work (office job,) so he isn’t forced to do anything that ‘might make it worse.’ The other week it was his knees ‘killing him,’ then before that it was his eyes that ‘weren’t right.’ (He said he kept getting things flashing past his eyes, and he wants to go for a test at specsavers - even though he went to Boots opticians and got some new glasses in November, and his eyes were 100% fine then.)

Before that it was his hand that felt swollen and sore and tender; ‘I think I may have arthritis’ he said. Then before that it was his elbow and wrist that were ‘giving him grief.’ He says to me 'feel that, isn't that swollen?' and 'feel that, doesn't that feel cracky and weird?' It never does...

Before that, it was a migraine making him nauseous and blurring his vision, before that it was his ear fuzzing and popping and he said he thinks he’s losing his hearing, before that it was his stomach killing him, and he thought he may have stomach cancer, before that it was his heart ‘beating funny.’ He claimed ‘my heart is just not right: I don’t think I’m long for this world…’

He has had test after test after test at the doctors and the hospital this past 2 years; ECG tests for his heart found nothing, x rays on his shoulders, hands, elbows, hips, etc found nothing, blood tests found nothing, urine tests found nothing, barium meal found nothing, pipes shoved down his throat found nothing, tests on his eyes and ears found nothing...

He has had test after test after test on every part of his body. Nothing! He just claims they are all 'wrong.' and keeps going back again and again to the doctors, and says he will keep doing so until they discover something. I almost think he WANTS them to find something - but I have no idea why! Maybe so he can go on the sick and give up work! He seems DESPERATE for them to find something. Even our daughter said she thinks he would be over the moon if they said he had cancer or something!

They have tested for half a dozen different things, and he has had painkiller after painkiller, anti inflammatories, anti biotics, all sorts. ‘I think I may have fibromyalgia’ he said a while back; I am in such pain all the time.' They tested for this too. Negative. Again. He now has the strongest possible painkillers, and claims they don’t work at all. I have these painkillers and they work a treat. The doctor can give him nothing stronger.

He claimed he was depressed about 7 years back and had anti depressants every month for about 2 or 3 years. We had been receiving free prescriptions for a few years (maybe 5 or 6,) because of low income, then 3 years ago, our income exceeded the amount where you get free prescriptions, and when we had to start paying, he instantly came off the anti Depressants. ‘I’m not paying £8 every month!’ he said … Suggesting to me that he didn’t need them.

He doesn’t have much time off work, but he is always buying aids for this and that (like slings, walking sticks, arm and knee supports,) and getting prescriptions at £8-9 a time, (he seems OK with paying now!) So it’s starting to eat into our budget now.

And NOW he says he wants a full body MRI scan and is going to go private to ‘find out what’s wrong with me.......!’ This can cost 4 figures. We don’t have loads of money, we only just get by, and we never have more than £500 in savings, so he said he will put it on his credit card (which will max it out!)

I am furious about this, I am fed up of his moaning, and I want to draw the line here. No WAY is this happening. It’s HIS credit card but it’s OUR bank account and joint finances that will suffer because of this, as he will pay the instalments back out of OUR money.

I want to scream at him ‘FOR GOODNESS SAKE! there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!’ Get a grip! You have had test after test after test and nothing has ever come up!' But I don’t want a row, and I don't want to make him feel bad. Maybe he does feel ill sometimes, (maybe!) but there is definitely nothing wrong with him.

I said ‘what if this MRI scan finds nothing wrong?’ (which is what will happen!) he said ‘I will ask them to redo it because there IS something wrong with me.' (There isn’t!) We are both in our 50's and he has always been a moaner, but it’s only been about his health for about 6-7 years, moreso the last 3 or so!

WWYD? I am at the end of my rope. Some days I feel torn between leaving him or killing him!

When I have an episode of HA i can become consumed by it. I also think I probably do talk about it way too much. I'm sure I annoy people. I do try not to but then I have some degree of self awareness. I know I am anxious too but sometimes I am embarrassed by how anxious I am. I might want to talk about how I am to try find some reassurance. My DM and DD are really consumed by it and have little self awareness about how much they can become consumed by it and talk about it a lot. Sometimes I know I am panicking but it's hard to 'get a grip'. Pain can make me very depressed anxious and withdrawn but also can't see much else apart from the pain, find it hard to get my mind out of that pain zone and see much outside it.

HA means people think they're ill when they're not, but don't go out of the way to make sure their friends, family, work all know about their illnesses. It seems to be they think they have something extreme like cancer and it's pretty easy for a doctor to deduce from this the person may have HA

I do make my mum and husband very aware of my symptoms, but only in the sense that I tell them I'm really scared and ask for reassurance. I don't tell people at work or people I'm not super close to. I don't moan to random people about my symptoms.

It can be all consuming and there has been times where my husband has kindly had to tell me that I've been talking about my health too much and I need to try to focus on something else for a bit. I listen to him and he changes the subject which helps us both. Like Bum I do have a lot of self-awareness and even though sometimes I talk about it far too much when I know my husband has had enough I do reign it in.

OP's dh might well have HA, but he also seems manipulative, sulky and not very nice right now.

My Bf is good to me. I tell him I feel anxious and he reassures me but then tries really hard to take my mind off it. I do that to my DD too.

I dont exactly imagine im ill when it isn't there as in convince myself I have something from nothing. It's more about catastophising something in your mind. But also I fear my kids getting ill when they aren't even ill or something terrible happening to me that means They would be left without me. A headache could be something more sinister. A stabbing pain could be the sign of worse. If I have to have a blood test I'm anxious for the results in case it shows something I didn't know about. Smear tests are awful for me because I did have cancerous cells some years ago.

I really don't think this is health anxiety. There's a world of difference between worrying about a health condition and actually pretending to have it like he clearly has with his shoulder. He's apparently in pain and needs a sling to sit and do nothing yet can clearly drive? Have you asked him how he managed to do this ? How is he managing at work?
Op I am concerned that once you stop playing along with this there's going to be plenty more explosions and manipulations on his part.

And let's imagine he actually does have a serious health condition. It's still not ok to constantly moan and whinge for attention. People with terminal illnesses don't behave like this!! Ill or not, it does not entitle him to yell at you, storm off, bang doors or manipulative you into feeling sorry for him.

I wonder what would happen Op if you firmly stated that your no longer willing to indulge this, but as a pp suggested, you'll happily listen for 15 minutes a day?

Hi OP,

I hope things are better at home tonight, update us when you can!

Hi again all.

Update.

First of all, the question of him driving, (How come he needs the sling to sit down doing nothing, but he can drive.....???) I wondered that too. And he actually said (the other day before the huge row,) that a couple of people at work had asked him this the other day... 'how come you can drive if your shoulder is so bad?' His answer? 'Well, it's my right shoulder, so I can rest in on the driver's door!'

Absolute bollocks of course, as he still needs the right shoulder/arm to steer, and steering will put a strain on the shoulder. I pulled the cartilage out of my ribs several years ago, when I fell off the pavement, and I could barely function for a week. Couldn't sleep properly, could barely walk, couldn't pick things up, (struggled even with a mug of coffee!) and I most certainly COULD NOT DRIVE!

Anyway, so I got in last night at six-ish, and he was lying in bed. He got up and put the kettle on, and then came up to me and said 'I'm sorry......' I said 'why?' He said 'because I don't like to see you so upset,' and I said 'well I am sorry too, that what I said upset you so much, I didn't mean anything nasty; and it doesn't mean that I don't care about you, don't love you, don't believe you! It's just the constant complaining is wearing me down, and I am concerned with how you get a new ailment every few weeks, but nothing is ever found...' He said 'well I won't be moaning again, and I'm sorry if I've worn you down.. And I don't want to ever talk about this again; and I'm sorry for being a pain.'

Then I said 'You know I love you and would support you through anything serious, I have supported you for 30 years, looked after you, listened to your health gripes, nursed you through viruses and bouts of flu and so on, gone to every appointment with you, stuck up for you when people attack you or insult you, and I think you should still go for the x ray, as you may as well finish what you started...' THEN he said 'I just don't wanna discuss this any longer, forget it.' I said 'OK.'

Now it's midday on Sunday, and he has not mentioned his shoulder, or anything else, not has he grabbed it and winced and moaned. Only one grunt as he strained to reach something.

So now what? In typical fashion, he has gone the exact opposite way, and it seems he isn't going to ever bother the doctors or me again! I don't want him to seriously neglect his health, or anything he thinks is wrong, it's just the constant moaning and whining and bitching that wears me down, and the fact that he has a new ailment every few weeks, and drags me around clinics, hospitals, doctors surgeries etc, and when one ailment is forgotten about or mysteriously 'heals,' he acquires another one!

He needs to find a happy medium... Of course it's OK to be worried or concerned when there is every need to be worried or concerned, but it's not OK to be obsessing over every niggle. He is basically a hypochondriac, and said that is what I called him, but that is not an insult; it just means (from nhs choices.)

Hypochondria (health anxiety) is excessive worrying about your health, to the point where it causes great distress and affects your everyday life. Some people with health anxiety have a medical condition, which they worry about excessively. Others have medically unexplained symptoms, such as chest pain or headaches, which they are concerned may be a sign of a serious illness, despite the doctor's reassurance.

So it's basically obsessively worrying about your health when there may be little or nothing wrong. I think HE thinks it's someone who makes up illnesses for attention, but it's not! It's someone who genuinely thinks they're ill. Most articles on it however, fail to address the problems faced by the partner/spouse/ and family around them, who are driven nuts by the constant bellyaching!

So all is quiet, and he is talking fairly normally, but not much is being said; just generic stuff about the weather, and what's for tea etc, but it can't be left like this. I don't want him to never ever ever bother about his health again FGS; I just want him to stop fussing and nagging and moaning every day, during every conversation, and coming up with a new ailment every few weeks!

As I said before, I believe his work colleagues are thinking it's all a bit odd too, after asking him (and me!) how his shoulder is... And also asking how he can drive. I mean, every month or so, he says to the people at work that he can't do this and that because of this new ailment and that new ailment, his wrist, his shoulder, his back, his knee. It's an admin based job, but he works in retail, so sometimes the job involves lifting and carrying and occasionally even cleaning, so they must be fed up of him saying he can't do this and that AGAIN.

As I said, I'm not sure where to go from here; I need him to understand that I DO care about him, I DON'T think he is a liar and making up the pain, but I DON'T think there is anything seriously wrong with him. And yeah to be honest, the belly aching every day has driven me crazy. I know several other people who moan a lot about their job or their ailments, but I rarely see them, so I don't have to hear it a lot; but this is my HUSBAND who I am with a LOT, so the nagging and belly aching was becoming unbearable.

I think I'll let the dust settle and then try and talk to him again........I need him to understand that I don't want him to seriously neglect his health and never ever bother to address anything again; that's ridiculous, but he can't obsess over it to the point he is never without an ailment, he whinges and moans and winces whenever he thinks anyone is listening or looking, and he isn't even doing his job properly.

I did think to myself the other day, I wonder if he gripes and winces and moans when he's on his own? I seriously, seriously doubt it. There is definitely an element of attention-seeking to it. Even if he does feel genuine aches and pains, I believe he is exaggerating, and making out the 'pain' is worse than it is. Why? I don't know...

Can't thank people enough on here for listening......

blimey!

I can't help but get the feeling he's playing you.

sorry

I don't disagree ssd! It's just knowing where to go from here.

He is behaving like a child, he really is.

Like 'I won't bother you ANYmore....' sniff

I mean what do I do now? Ignore him and let him get over himself?

Tell him he must still go for the x ray?

Let him go completely the other way and miss some serious condition?

I'm a bit lost atm.

With a hypochondriac I doubt there is a happy medium.

And tbh you couldn't have been clearer so what, you just repeat yourself until you end up begging him to go for an x-ray just to prove you're supportive?

He already knows you're supportive FFS!

Stop infantalising him. He can decide about further tests on his own. Leave it be now.

Thanks Elspeth... I'm probably not helping by enabling him.

It's tough, especially as I feel fecking guilty now!

What am I like?!

If it's any consolation I doubt his new defiant attitude will last longer than a couple of weeks, tbh.

He might say he is ok to drive because he can rest his arm, but I don't think he'd be insured if he crashed. ESPECIALLY if they find he's been parading round in a sling moaning that he can't use his arm.

When I had chronic shoulder pain I drove short distances. The issue came when I was turning to look and check for traffic, that was agony and I wasn't as quick as I would like.

OP maybe it would an idea to suggest counselling for him to help him deal with his issues. Maybe sell it as counselling for him because he experiences 'undiagnosable, chronic pain issues'?

Has he set the 'bar' at 'perfect health ? Has he had a life generally free of medical issues, perhaps meaning anything other than that is a problem that needs fixing in his head. I ask because that kind of explains the psychology of what he's doing.

Also because I don't know anyone of a similar age who isn't managing some kind of minor to major health condition. I wonder if he is aware of where the bar is normally set, and If you asked him, one by one, to work through everyone he knows do you think he could list their ongoing health issues?
Just wondering really if you could get him to develop some kind of more rational scale for his complaints (instead of all symptoms being potentially part of a bigger more sinister picture. )

And has he never really offended anyone..? The shoulder out of its socket thing - that just involves a bit if clutching - but can still drive - would be offensively ridiculous to anyone who has had this kind of dislocation, so if it's all like this - to everyone - I can't understand how he has avoided being pulled up on it, unless I misread your description earlier?

He's basically punishing you for saying it OP and calling him out on it.

The rational response for him would've been to say 'I know I've been such a pain, however I'll try and cut the whinging down a little and still have this scan. If it turns out nothing is there then I will let things go' Instead he's gone on the other extreme. I don't for a second believe he's in any sort of pain at all and just wants to punish you for disbelieving him.

YES I would completely ignore the issue now and don't mention it again unless he does. Don't worry about him neglecting his health - not at this stage, anyway.

The fact that you're now feeling 'lost' is a measure of the amount of time and head space this was previously occupying. It's perfectly normal to be in your 50s and rarely need to go to the doctor - it just feels strange to you!

Good luck OP, I hope it lasts!

I'd let it go, OP. He's stopped whingeing - result!

From the sound of it he literally CANNOT neglect his health. But next time he feels an ache or a twinge, he might come to you and say 'I've got this really funny pain just here - what do you think I should do?' (because he does seem to think you are in charge of his ailments). At that point you can get him to see a doctor.

Otherwise, just let him get on with it.

I have awful HA to the point of, ironically, feeling suicidal simply because the constant state of panic I live in feels too much to take. Ridiculous, but it is a mentall illness and I am mentally ill (helps to remimd myself that it's an imbalance etc) and not rational, so.

I do continually ask DH for reassurance when I'm going through a bad spell and I do lose my temper if I feel like he's patronising me. It's a really embarrassing illness I think, it makes you so defensive.

Anyway - I'm pregnant atm so meds are a no but my first port of call is back to my GP to get some once baby is here (very imminently THANK GOD) as it's my responsibility, just like it's your DH's responsibility to himself.

You've said all you can. He needs help.

I had a very painful right shoulder (frozen shoulder) I couldn't drive, even putting my seatbelt on was torture, looking over my shoulder etc. Don't worry, he won't neglect his health!!
Very strange he's coping with no sling today???

Did I miss you acknowledging anyone who suggested EDS, op? Because there have been quite a few here and I'm tempted to agree with them. At least as a potential suggestion.
Apologies if I did genuinely miss it

Hi beyondunderthinking; I can't remember if I did reply to the Eds suggestion; sorry to those who suggested it if I didn't...

I would say it is something to consider, but the thing is, he will have a pain somewhere, and then he will stop mentioning it, and starts moving normally (like he forgets he's got the 'pain!') And then something else will materialise somewhere else. Quite a number of times, he's forgotten himself, and will do something with the part of his body he claims is in agony.

In addition, he has had no sling today, (for his 'painful' shoulder,) and he has not mentioned his shoulder, he has not winced or grunted or moaned, except once in the first half hour he was up, and he appears to be pain-free.

Odd huh?

Yes indeed 'olddear' he IS coping without his sling. Very well actually.

Blueneighbourhood, I think also that he is 'punishing me' for calling him out.

If there IS nothing wrong with him (physically,) why on earth does he keep saying there is?

And why on earth does he think I need to keep hearing about it even if he IS in pain?!

Being a moaner is one thing (and is annoying enough!) but when he is dragging me around clinics and hospitals and x ray departments and doctors surgeries, waiting hours on end, and considering paying four figures for a private 'full body scan,' and he is wincing and griping and clutching his shoulder all the way through something I am watching, and saying he can't do 50% of his tasks at work properly (which, as I said, his workplace seem to be questioning now,) then it's gone too far ...

I hate it that I had to say what I had to say, and things are still a bit awkward, but I think I would have ended up killing him if it had gone on any longer.. There is a giant-ass mammoth in the room now though, and I really feel things are unresolved, but you all think I should not say anything else to him then? (and not mention going for the x ray on his shoulder?')

I would carry on as normal. I wouldn't mention his shoulder, sling etc. And I would stop enabling him with endless trips to Dr's, hospitals etc.

Thanks olddear. Ain't gonna be easy though, as I have been doing it for so long now!

The fact he has this huffy 'ok now I just shan't bother then!' kind of stance is rankling me! Like he wants me to feel bad.

If (God forbid) he does get something in 5 or 10 years time, like cancer (God forbid!) he will probably blame me!

Still, I am not discouraging him from caring about his health; I just said 'you have complained about a dozen or more ailments in 4 or 5 years, and despite multiple blood tests, urine tests, scans, x-rays' examinations, hospital, clinic, and doctors appointments, NOTHING has been found!'

I haven't told him to not go to the doctors again, or to not go for that x ray on his (seemingly now well) shoulder; just that there cannot be anything seriously wrong, or it would have been picked up by now, and that I am (honestly) sick of his whingeing! Like we can't have a single conversation without him mentioning his 'health issues,' and we can't get through a film without him grunting and griping and massaging whatever body part is (supposedly) giving him grief this week.

Still wonder if work are suspicious, given the fact that they have questioned him a couple of times. Wish I were a fly on the wall there just for a few minutes, when they were discussing him, (in the management office.)