Advice please. Husband driving me insane with constant moaning about his health.

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My husband is driving me crackers (and has been for a while, several years actually.) As much as I love him, he never stops moaning about his health. Every other week, he complains about a new ailment, and not a week goes by when he isn’t whining about something or other that is (supposedly) causing him pain.

This past fortnight, it’s his shoulder; he thinks it’s ‘fallen out of its socket,’ and he complains continually, wincing and griping every time he moves. It's so annoying!!! He got me to get a sling for him to wear at work (office job,) so he isn’t forced to do anything that ‘might make it worse.’ The other week it was his knees ‘killing him,’ then before that it was his eyes that ‘weren’t right.’ (He said he kept getting things flashing past his eyes, and he wants to go for a test at specsavers - even though he went to Boots opticians and got some new glasses in November, and his eyes were 100% fine then.)

Before that it was his hand that felt swollen and sore and tender; ‘I think I may have arthritis’ he said. Then before that it was his elbow and wrist that were ‘giving him grief.’ He says to me 'feel that, isn't that swollen?' and 'feel that, doesn't that feel cracky and weird?' It never does...

Before that, it was a migraine making him nauseous and blurring his vision, before that it was his ear fuzzing and popping and he said he thinks he’s losing his hearing, before that it was his stomach killing him, and he thought he may have stomach cancer, before that it was his heart ‘beating funny.’ He claimed ‘my heart is just not right: I don’t think I’m long for this world…’

He has had test after test after test at the doctors and the hospital this past 2 years; ECG tests for his heart found nothing, x rays on his shoulders, hands, elbows, hips, etc found nothing, blood tests found nothing, urine tests found nothing, barium meal found nothing, pipes shoved down his throat found nothing, tests on his eyes and ears found nothing...

He has had test after test after test on every part of his body. Nothing! He just claims they are all 'wrong.' and keeps going back again and again to the doctors, and says he will keep doing so until they discover something. I almost think he WANTS them to find something - but I have no idea why! Maybe so he can go on the sick and give up work! He seems DESPERATE for them to find something. Even our daughter said she thinks he would be over the moon if they said he had cancer or something!

They have tested for half a dozen different things, and he has had painkiller after painkiller, anti inflammatories, anti biotics, all sorts. ‘I think I may have fibromyalgia’ he said a while back; I am in such pain all the time.' They tested for this too. Negative. Again. He now has the strongest possible painkillers, and claims they don’t work at all. I have these painkillers and they work a treat. The doctor can give him nothing stronger.

He claimed he was depressed about 7 years back and had anti depressants every month for about 2 or 3 years. We had been receiving free prescriptions for a few years (maybe 5 or 6,) because of low income, then 3 years ago, our income exceeded the amount where you get free prescriptions, and when we had to start paying, he instantly came off the anti Depressants. ‘I’m not paying £8 every month!’ he said … Suggesting to me that he didn’t need them.

He doesn’t have much time off work, but he is always buying aids for this and that (like slings, walking sticks, arm and knee supports,) and getting prescriptions at £8-9 a time, (he seems OK with paying now!) So it’s starting to eat into our budget now.

And NOW he says he wants a full body MRI scan and is going to go private to ‘find out what’s wrong with me.......!’ This can cost 4 figures. We don’t have loads of money, we only just get by, and we never have more than £500 in savings, so he said he will put it on his credit card (which will max it out!)

I am furious about this, I am fed up of his moaning, and I want to draw the line here. No WAY is this happening. It’s HIS credit card but it’s OUR bank account and joint finances that will suffer because of this, as he will pay the instalments back out of OUR money.

I want to scream at him ‘FOR GOODNESS SAKE! there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!’ Get a grip! You have had test after test after test and nothing has ever come up!' But I don’t want a row, and I don't want to make him feel bad. Maybe he does feel ill sometimes, (maybe!) but there is definitely nothing wrong with him.

I said ‘what if this MRI scan finds nothing wrong?’ (which is what will happen!) he said ‘I will ask them to redo it because there IS something wrong with me.' (There isn’t!) We are both in our 50's and he has always been a moaner, but it’s only been about his health for about 6-7 years, moreso the last 3 or so!

WWYD? I am at the end of my rope. Some days I feel torn between leaving him or killing him!

OMG if it weren't for a few key facts in your OP I'd think you were my friend - the wife of my DH's best friend! (B is that you?!!)

The guy is lovely but has serious health anxiety, and everything in your OP is mirrored exactly. It started to effect their family so much that we managed to stage a kind of intervention a few years back when he was in an awful state, persuading them to go to the GP as a couple and instead of letting him start waffling on about his latest ailment, that SHE would take over and ask the GP about treating his health anxiety instead of his imaginary symptoms!

It worked and he took ADs for a while, which had a very positive effect and he was "well". Sadly he didn't go back when they ran out and has declined again lately. He is a good person and we love him dearly, but sometimes I chat to him in detail about his various aches and pains and worries to give his poor wife a break from the wincing and moaning!

It's a MH issue that they can't control, but it's maddening when they refuse to help themselves isn't it. Hang in there.

A private "total body scan" is a really bad idea

It will find things that are wrong, like harmless liver cysts & kidney nodules & will freak him out completely & the poor NHS will have to trawl through it all, proving it harmless.

Complete waste of money - private tests are no better than NHS ones, they just cost money & can be completely indiscriminate with their blunderbuss approach. If his GP isn't worried, most likely he doesn't have a serious problem.

There isn't a 'test' for fibromyalgia.

HTH.

I'm a therapist and also think it's health anxiety and recommend CBT. Getting him on board with this will be v hard but us therapists are trained to work with people like your DH who are convinced it's a medical problem and only coming to sessions to shut the (poor, long-suffering) GP up and jump through the hoop to get the next investigative procedure they're after. They aren't the easiest clients but progress can certainly be made!

If I were you I would completely refuse to engage with this line of conversation. It's not helping him and it's understandably driving you nuts! Just walk away and refuse to listen, just keep repeating that he needs to see a therapist because he has health anxiety and don't engage further. The GP can refer for CBT, an amazed they haven't tried to push this already tbh.

Health anxiety IS a serious problem. He's probably already had loads of invasive tests that if he were untroubled by anxiety he would never have had. He's putting strain on his marriage, wasting his life chasing the demands of the disease. Mental health problems can be like slavery.

If he has something like health anxiety, I would take it seriously, and in this case I would certainly want it ruled out, but that doesn't mean his partner has to take responsibility for sorting this out or listen to endless pointless moans. Stay civil, sympathise briefly and suggest his GP look at his mental health, but you DON'T have to listen to the same moan over and over, you can say that you're off to do something enjoyable now like go for a walk or watch a comedy and does he want to join you?

Thanks so much everyone for all your responses. Firstly, apologies to anyone who suffers health anxiety and I know the struggle is real for you, and no-one is saying you - or anyone else - fakes anything. And as I said in my first post, I am not saying my DH doesn't suffer or feel aches and pains, just that there is not anything actually wrong with him. He has no more GENUINE ailments than any other man in his 50's.

And tbh, I know he can't help it, but to have to tolerate the CONTINUAL moaning is utterly exasperating. It's literally every day that he moans about an ailment, and every few weeks, there's a new one; he is never ailment free. No matter HOW anyone is suffering, no-one wants to hear the constant moan moan moan from them. What's more I have aches and pains too, and quite tender and painful joints, but I NEVER complain.

I had to laugh at the poster who said when she gets ill, her husband fights for pole position to become the 'most ill' again PMSL That is my DH to a T. He can't BEAR it when I am ill as it's taking the attention away from him. My daughter fawns over me and makes coffees and toast for me when I am ill, but ignores him when he is 'ill.' Reason being; he is ill 365 days a year; I am ill 2 or 3 days a year.

Even when me and my DH go to stay in a cheap budget hotel for a day or two away, we have separate rooms (coz of his snoring,) and his room is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS worse than mine. Whether it's that it was more noisy, or colder, or there weren't any little milks in the coffee and tea tray, His room is ALWAYS the worst!

And yes I also get pissed off about how much it's costing the NHS. And it is weird and a bit disappointing that the doctors haven't picked up yet that he is a hypochondriac. Thing is, he sees a different one every time, but you would think a red flag would come up on the system wouldn't you? (To illustrate that he is forever ill!)

I agree that he may have MH issues, although not severe. But it has to be addressed. I need to talk to him about it as he really isn't ill; any aches and pains he DOES have is just wear and tear and a part of getting older. As I said earlier, He hasn't got any more ailments than any other man in his 50's!

I also find it infuriating that one of my friends just lost her niece aged 30 to cancer, and the poor lass went through hell on earth for the last 3 years with the pain and the chemo, and she never once moaned for a second! Yet here HE is, whining about fuck-all.

I also agree that he needs to occupy his time more. He has no hobbies, no friends (only work colleagues who he socialises with twice a year!) he never goes out, and he just watches tv and surfs the net in his spare time. If he got a few hobbies and made a few friends, and got out more, he would be more likely to forget he was so 'ill' !

Billydavey's daughter, I don't THINK I am that person LOL.

And yes the private mri IS a shit idea. As people have said, it will rawk up loads of harmless stuff and cause unnecessary worrying. I do wonder whether to go talk to him about all this and go to to the doc WITH him, as billdaveys daughter suggested.

Not say 'you're a fucking hypochondriac!' But more 'I believe you feel aches and pains, but nothing is actually wrong with you as all the tests and scans have proven, so I think we need to go talk to the doctor and find out WHY you constantly have all these ailments that are never diagnosed as anything.......... Something is amiss isn't it? As you are always having ailment after ailment but no-one finds anything wrong...'

Blue Neighbourhood, sorry that was for BlueIrisHues!

Op in terms of seeing different doctors, the acquaintance I had did that till someone put it together and then her GP called her in and said she might have health anxiety. She then tried to make some kind of complaint....Then she took out private health then used it so many times for scans etc that found nothing, then they said she was uninsurable.

I really think he needs help from a psych or perhaps an earlier referral but the difficulty will be getting him to consider that.

My DH is a raging hypochondriac and I refuse to engage in it anymore with him. He's had so many "issues" over the years from suspected stomach ulcers to the latest arthritis that I've completely tuned out of it, never go to any of these appointments with him as I'm too embarassed and won't engage in conversation about it. He has never been diagnosed either with whatever he had convinced himself he had.............!!! It is attention but in a very negative way, and I try to give attention to the positives ie if he's done something round the house I'm extra effusive - it's like toddler taming for the over 50s.......

It's a hell of an excuse for himto be always talking about himself.

Like some kind of extreme selfcenteredness.

Does he feel equally anxious about loved ones' health? Like you or dd?

Also does any other family members have health anxiety/preoccupations? My mother has it, I have it and my DD has it. I am sure we have all helped influence one another although I have tried to curb mine extremely but my mother never did.
I think it can be something that's picked up as a child, I had anxiety over crazy things as a little child and health/dying was one but many other odd things too

This is exactly my MIL and FIL. I've never heard of anything like it. It drives me mad but my husband constantly says if there was nothing wrong with them the GP wouldn't keep sending them to the hospital. Seriously they go to GP at least once a week and hospital very very frequently. I don't know why it annoys me so much but it irritates me so much. It's literally every part of their body. My husband thinks I should feel sympathy- I feel fury!!!!!!

There is a lot of stigma around health anxiety it makes me feel really ashamed of it sometimes.
I once had to be given diazepam in A&E when I had gone for a genuine emergency because it was so bad. People don't want to do it. It's horrible and not enjoyable. Luckily most health professionals are kind and sympathetic and understanding. My pregnancy and births were really hard due to the anxiety too. I do appreciate it can be seen as a waste but IMO I've never received any texts or anything that the GP didn't feel I needed but then I try to manage mine by trying to stay calm and not acting on anxiety rather than the illness

*tests

He has had test after test after test at the doctors and the hospital this past 2 years; ECG tests for his heart found nothing, x rays on his shoulders, hands, elbows, hips, etc found nothing, blood tests found nothing, urine tests found nothing, barium meal found nothing, pipes shoved down his throat found nothing, tests on his eyes and ears found nothing...

Wow, it must be nice to be a man. I've lived with neck pain on a daily basis for years and my lovely doctor insinuates that I'm a hypochondriac, and maybe in peri-menopause...

Hyacinth your post made me laugh! Yeah that is pretty much how I feel sometimes.

Bum DNC, no, AFAIK no-one else in his family has ever been like this, and Ruby Winterstorm, I wouldn't say he doesn't care about me or DD being ill (although we very rarely are so it's hard to recall IYSWIM.) But on the occasions I have been poorly, he sympathises, but then proceeds to talk about himself and his aches and pains.

Stressym, your inlaws sound annoying too!

As an aside, I do wonder if this behaviour is much more common in men.

Definitely a mental health problem. Perhaps anxiety disorder he needs professional help.

Just a note re anxiety
I don't think any poster has been unsympathetic to anxiety
I tend to notice that being anxious myself!

It's the main thing that he needs to be checked for really. Couple of posters have mentioned munchausen yes but I don't think it's their intention to criticise those of us with anxiety, just stating one possibility.

It is worrying for the op if he's about to spend family money on things like private MRI scans.

aliceinunderpants There are tests that can be done to rule out other conditions like rheumatoid arthritis or lupus, blood tests to rule out deficiencies, blood tests which show raised levels of inflammatory cytokines. There are several tender points on people with fibromyalgia as well which cause pain when pressure is applied. All of this helps to diagnose, even though there is no set test for fibromyalgia.

I also agree that he needs to occupy his time more. He has no hobbies, no friends (only work colleagues who he socialises with twice a year!) he never goes out, and he just watches tv and surfs the net in his spare time. If he got a few hobbies and made a few friends, and got out more, he would be more likely to forget he was so 'ill' !
This sounds as though he hasn't much to keep his moral/interest/sense of worth/social capital up - which would suggest depression again. I do think this is the root of it as it is known that poor mental health and wellbeing does impact on overall health. Even if the pains are psychosomatic it doesn't mean he doesn't feel them. My GP sent me for an x-ray because he knew I wouldn't believe him when he said it was unlikely - sadly I never saw the x ray and still wonder... I have depression and anxiety and do feel lonely at times which doesn't help. All of these things do impact on health, physical health I mean, as he clearly already has issues with his wellbeing and mental health. Try not to see them as two separate things - they impact each other.

And I imagine it is much worse with men. Women tend to talk about their health and go to the doctor if they notice anything odd. Men don't, they let it fester and usually won't admit to anyone if they are depressed or unhappy with something which sometimes presents as a physical pain. Recent studies have shown that masculine behaviours (stiff upper lip/don't cry if you fall over etc) are very bad for mental and physical health as a result.

You are saying these ailments don't exist and therefore this means they are in his head. Therefore this is a mental health issue.

I'm surprise you do not think it is a mental health issue as this is NOT normal behaviour. It is excessive, not possible to have all these unproven ailments and is obsessive.

He needs some help with this, you can go to your GP to discuss this situation And they can advise.

Hope you can start to see what this is as then you can get it fixed. Good luck

Re the shoulder, presumably he was told it wasn't a dislocation?

Does he do any exercise?

My Dad had private health insurance - I suspect that's why he got as many tests as he did.

Thing is, none of his fears were outlandish. It's not like he thought he had Ebola. He did have gastritis and stress made it much worse. He did have things like diarrhoea sometimes but again, that was likely stress related. He did have night sweats, which in hindsight I can't see any reason for except maybe nightmares etc. He did have arthritis as he was an older man. He had to get his hips done. He had endless palpitations and half his friends had dropped dead of heart attacks so that was terrifying.

So all his symptoms were genuine and all could of course be indicative of something more serious. Especially as he found it next to impossible to accept "ageing" as a reason, which I think is quite common.

Or maybe he tried to accept it but the anxiety that it surely must be something more kept asserting itself. I don't think he liked having such bad anxiety.

He did acknowledge his "nerves" were bad, hence the Xanax. You don't take that unless you know you have anxiety. But he also knew having anxiety didn't mean he was wrong, if you know what I mean. People get cancer every day. People have heart attacks all the time.

So I don't think it could have been cured, just managed. I was grateful for the Xanax cos at least I could tell him to take one when he was very very bad.

A lot of people have given good advice but some comments seem ignorant towards anxiety and would be unhelpful. Ignoring or making comments to make someone stop doing it or make them get a grip won't work or help. I agree going to appointments could help and helping them recognise the anxiety and addressing that will help them. I know it's annoying but it feels real to the person worrying about it at the time and they don't know how to put their mind at rest. If you sat him down and really addressed it sensitively he might open up about it - losing a relative or friend can sometimes heighten the anxiety (even years ago) can be a trigger. I lost a relative suddenly when I was a teen and I spent years convinced deep down that I would die of the same thing.