Advice please. Husband driving me insane with constant moaning about his health.

[user1484750550]

My husband is driving me crackers (and has been for a while, several years actually.) As much as I love him, he never stops moaning about his health. Every other week, he complains about a new ailment, and not a week goes by when he isn’t whining about something or other that is (supposedly) causing him pain.

This past fortnight, it’s his shoulder; he thinks it’s ‘fallen out of its socket,’ and he complains continually, wincing and griping every time he moves. It's so annoying!!! He got me to get a sling for him to wear at work (office job,) so he isn’t forced to do anything that ‘might make it worse.’ The other week it was his knees ‘killing him,’ then before that it was his eyes that ‘weren’t right.’ (He said he kept getting things flashing past his eyes, and he wants to go for a test at specsavers - even though he went to Boots opticians and got some new glasses in November, and his eyes were 100% fine then.)

Before that it was his hand that felt swollen and sore and tender; ‘I think I may have arthritis’ he said. Then before that it was his elbow and wrist that were ‘giving him grief.’ He says to me 'feel that, isn't that swollen?' and 'feel that, doesn't that feel cracky and weird?' It never does...

Before that, it was a migraine making him nauseous and blurring his vision, before that it was his ear fuzzing and popping and he said he thinks he’s losing his hearing, before that it was his stomach killing him, and he thought he may have stomach cancer, before that it was his heart ‘beating funny.’ He claimed ‘my heart is just not right: I don’t think I’m long for this world…’

He has had test after test after test at the doctors and the hospital this past 2 years; ECG tests for his heart found nothing, x rays on his shoulders, hands, elbows, hips, etc found nothing, blood tests found nothing, urine tests found nothing, barium meal found nothing, pipes shoved down his throat found nothing, tests on his eyes and ears found nothing...

He has had test after test after test on every part of his body. Nothing! He just claims they are all 'wrong.' and keeps going back again and again to the doctors, and says he will keep doing so until they discover something. I almost think he WANTS them to find something - but I have no idea why! Maybe so he can go on the sick and give up work! He seems DESPERATE for them to find something. Even our daughter said she thinks he would be over the moon if they said he had cancer or something!

They have tested for half a dozen different things, and he has had painkiller after painkiller, anti inflammatories, anti biotics, all sorts. ‘I think I may have fibromyalgia’ he said a while back; I am in such pain all the time.' They tested for this too. Negative. Again. He now has the strongest possible painkillers, and claims they don’t work at all. I have these painkillers and they work a treat. The doctor can give him nothing stronger.

He claimed he was depressed about 7 years back and had anti depressants every month for about 2 or 3 years. We had been receiving free prescriptions for a few years (maybe 5 or 6,) because of low income, then 3 years ago, our income exceeded the amount where you get free prescriptions, and when we had to start paying, he instantly came off the anti Depressants. ‘I’m not paying £8 every month!’ he said … Suggesting to me that he didn’t need them.

He doesn’t have much time off work, but he is always buying aids for this and that (like slings, walking sticks, arm and knee supports,) and getting prescriptions at £8-9 a time, (he seems OK with paying now!) So it’s starting to eat into our budget now.

And NOW he says he wants a full body MRI scan and is going to go private to ‘find out what’s wrong with me.......!’ This can cost 4 figures. We don’t have loads of money, we only just get by, and we never have more than £500 in savings, so he said he will put it on his credit card (which will max it out!)

I am furious about this, I am fed up of his moaning, and I want to draw the line here. No WAY is this happening. It’s HIS credit card but it’s OUR bank account and joint finances that will suffer because of this, as he will pay the instalments back out of OUR money.

I want to scream at him ‘FOR GOODNESS SAKE! there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!’ Get a grip! You have had test after test after test and nothing has ever come up!' But I don’t want a row, and I don't want to make him feel bad. Maybe he does feel ill sometimes, (maybe!) but there is definitely nothing wrong with him.

I said ‘what if this MRI scan finds nothing wrong?’ (which is what will happen!) he said ‘I will ask them to redo it because there IS something wrong with me.' (There isn’t!) We are both in our 50's and he has always been a moaner, but it’s only been about his health for about 6-7 years, moreso the last 3 or so!

WWYD? I am at the end of my rope. Some days I feel torn between leaving him or killing him!

[BumDNC]

Also agree with having no social life or hobbies makes this much worse

[Bamboofordinneragain]

Yes, OP, go to the GP with him. You might find it much easier to get your point of view across with a third party there. I had to laugh at some of the posts here, because the whole 'hypochondriac man' thing is such a cliche, and we've all been there to a lesser degree. But when it happens to such an extreme degree, It must be unbearable, poor you.
CBT is a good plan, but maybe an even better one is to get him out of the house and DOING stuff. Can you get involved in something with him?

[BumDNC]

I don't know if this is helpful too but this is how I help my daughter and wish my parents had at least tried to help me instead of 'walking away and changing the subject and refusing to engage' (imo cruel and counter productive)
I always acknowledge her and say ok explain what you feel is wrong? Then I ask her how much it hurts or is an issue on a scale of 1-10. Then I look up whatever she thinks on NHS website (never ever look at any others) and check the symptoms list. This usually starts to de-escalate her anxiety when she doesn't have all the symptoms by usually I use distraction and say 'ok lets go do x or y and see how it is later...' later then comes and often she's forgotten about it

[BumDNC]

Or I will say to her ok if it's still an issue in a few days let's go to the doctors. I don't dismiss it but I try to get her to think about it calmly

[Sallystyle]

I also find it infuriating that one of my friends just lost her niece aged 30 to cancer, and the poor lass went through hell on earth for the last 3 years with the pain and the chemo, and she never once moaned for a second! Yet here HE is, whining about fuck-all.

I watched three of my children lose their father to cancer. Four years of treatment, transplant and illness, then death. Watching my children cry over their father's body was the trigger for me. I had always been anxious, diagnosed with OCD as a child but that was the thing that really made me worse. My ex husband never moaned once and I did feel guilty that I was moaning about my health, but I have an illness, it isn't logical. However, I never, ever spoke to him about my fears.

The thought of my children going through that again with me is too much to handle, which is why I'm here now.

I understand why you find it infuriating but if he does have HA it isn't logical and he is scared and the symptoms? Most likely real, psychosomatic but real nonetheless.

I know how you feel, I really do. I am a carer for my husband who has a severe mental health illness and we have been through the mill. I know the burn out, the frustration and the exhaustion with it all. It isn't easy for either of you

[problembottom]

My DP was like this a few years ago and drove me insane. He became utterly convinced there was something wrong with him - brain tumour, cancer, wasn't sure but something awful. Did the round of GPs (he was very annoyed when our bluntest local doc bollocked him for time wasting), he had a body scan (private healthcare) but was convinced it was wrong so don't go down that route, he just had more body and head scans, bloody loved them! It was only a few months but by the end of it DP was signed off work and living with his mum. His parents and I despaired, there was nothing wrong with him physically, mentally he'd been through a couple of traumatic events and they'd clearly taken their toll.

[Sallystyle]

My DP was like this a few years ago and drove me insane. He became utterly convinced there was something wrong with him - brain tumour, cancer, wasn't sure but something awful. Did the round of GPs (he was very annoyed when our bluntest local doc bollocked him for time wasting),

Thank god my GP has never bollocked me. He understood and got me help for my MH. Telling a patient off for having a MH illness is really not a good thing. Telling the patient that they might have HA and referring to the MH team is a good thing.

Would someone get a bollocking if they kept going to the GP for their symptoms of bipolar? Or would the GP get them help?

There is a stigma around HA. We are seen as attention seeking time wasters by so many people. And we probably do come across that way to be fair, but unless you have experienced it you won't understand the utter fear we live with.

Of course that's not to say that the OP should just suck it up. She shouldn't, but there does seem to be a lack of empathy for people struggling with HA in general.

[antimatter]

OP you've mentioned that your DH is snoring.
Is he overweight? Maybe feeling unwell because of Apnoea?

[Thinkingofausername1]

Unfortunately it does not show , you have Rheumatoid arthritis unless there is a flare up, then that shows on the RA markers. I must have had it for a year before diagnoses. Had tests, including x rays and knee fluid tests, but despite all this no result.
I think you need to ask, to be referred to rheumatology if he has swollen joints etc. A rheumatology consultant will tell you straight away. Please be patient with him, being in pain and not being able to do a lot is frustrating and feels like you have had your life taken away when you suddenly become less mobile

[MusicIsMedicine]

Medical tests don't find everything. It's not an exact science and doesn't work the way people think. When chronic pain is present, pain meds don't work after a while. I've known people struggle for years to get a diagnosis and one of those people had cancer which had metastasised by the time it was diagnosed. There are conditions that NO imaging tests will detect and the diagnosis is clinical and that can take years as all tests have to be done to rule out other conditions.

You sound rather harsh and unloving to me. Why do you believe strangers over your husband? If he is prepared to spend thousands on tests, then he is genuinely suffering and just because someone behind a desk hasn't yet found the reason doesn't mean there isn't one.

[Sallystyle]

Actually, my aunt was told she was a hypochondriac until she was eventually diagnosed with ME.

So maybe there is a chance that he doesn't have MH issues, but is physically ill. Do you think that's at all likely OP?

[KatsutheClockworkOctopus]

There is a stigma around HA. We are seen as attention seeking time wasters by so many people. And we probably do come across that way to be fair, but unless you have experienced it you won't understand the utter fear we live with.

This ^^. OP I hope that if you do address this with your husband you read U2s posts and bear them in mind. I have HA and it is hard to describe the way your mind works. If I am not totally OK then my brain immediately decides I am deathly ill. It is exhausting.

That being said, I also can feel for you dealing with it all! I think medical help for your DH's mental health will benefit you both.

[pocketsaviour]

God this is so similar to my DS. He periodically becomes convinced that he has a broken foot, dislocated hip, testicle torsion, juvenile arthritis, epilepsy, etc etc etc.

Most of the attitude comes from his fuckwitted birth mum, who on contact visits would listen to him say "Sometimes when i stand up quickly I feel dizzy" (a very common thing for most people but if it happens all the time can be a sign of low BP) and she told him he was probably having absence seizures and had epilepsy.

She also told him that he was supposed to be a twin but the other one died in the womb (which my H said was bollocks as the dates didn't match, she'd have had to have carried DS for over 10 months, and he had no signs of being overdue.)

And that her oldest child was her favourite because he'd been very ill when he was a baby

Most of the time I can cope with DS and am trying to get him help with his anxiety, but the oneupmanship just drives me batty. If I tell him I've had a cold, he's got the flu. If I've twisted my ankle, he's knocked a bit of bone loose in his toe. If I've got an upset stomach, he's got "explosive" diarrhea.

It's actually like he panics if I'm ill, as if I'm going to withdraw my love if he can't prove that he's more ill than I am :(

[problembottom]

U2HasTheEdge yes I agree. That local doctor who shouted at DP is an extreme example (he's rude to everyone) but DP saw a variety of GPs in our village and at his mum's surgery and the fact it could be a mental health issue wasn't suggested by any of them.

I probably sound quite flippant about DP but it was truly awful at the time when we didn't know if he was going to get better (mentally that is).

[BumDNC]

It's an issue with a lack of consistency with GP's that can actually also make things worse for a HA sufferer - they don't have time to read your notes properly and you have 2 mins to explain yourself, then all doctors have different opinions on things and different approaches.

Then there is the embarrassment of keep going back and frustration you feel no one is listening to you etc etc. If you could encourage someone to see the same GP (unless very very urgent and cannot wait) because getting a rapport with a GP can help allay anxiety and they will see a whole picture.

For one of my asthma episodes I could see 3 different GP's who all think different things about treatment, I recently got diagnosed with fibroids and 2 GP's gave me different opinions and options and drugs. It can be confusing and overwhelming to feel like you have to take charge of your own medical health which is what your husband is doing.

[user1484750550]

Hi again all.

So all afternoon today (since 3pm,) DH has been sitting there huffing and puffing and grabbing his shoulder, putting it in and out of the sling, taking painkillers and anti inflammatories, moaning his head off and saying 'I will have to tell them at work that I can't do anything next week,' and generally whingeing. I was trying to watch a programme (with him) and got more and more frustrated and pissed off with his griping.

He then started going on about the places he has found that do full body scans, and asked me where the card is that the doctor gave him to enable him to go for an x ray on his shoulder. I said 'what if this x ray shows nothing wrong?' Well I will ask them to do a scan on it (like the ones you get when you're pregnant,) because something's wrong!' Then I said 'And what if they do the full body scan (which he claims he has found for £199!) and nothing comes up on that either?' 'Well SOMEthing will come up' he said, 'because I am not right; I am always in pain. They may even find cancer!'

Then I said 'I don't understand why you keep having all these aches and pains and they never find anything.. why is that? I mean, the doctors must be wondering why now, and you must be, surely...?' He then got very ratty and said 'what are you saying exactly? Spit it out, come on!' I said 'I just can't fathom why you're always in pain but they never find anything.'

He then went off on one and said 'I'm off for a shower; if my own wife thinks I'm lying about everything; there's no point to anything is there?' And he got angry and defensive. THEN he went to bed; right at teatime. (In a sulk obviously.)

So I went to the bedroom and said 'I didn't mean to upset you honestly; and I DON'T think you're lying or making stuff up; but it's just that these last 3 or 4 years or so, I don't think I have known you without some or other ailment. There is always something wrong - with your ears, your eyes, your jaw, your knee, your bowel, your shoulder, your stomach, your heart, your head, your elbow, your hand, something, always. Yet they do tests and scans and blood tests, and do x rays and stuff and nothing ever comes up. I'm not saying you aren't feeling pain in your shoulder right now, and that you are making up every other pain you have said you have, just that they never ever find anything. And now you want to go for this whole body scan ... It's almost like you WANT them to find something seriously wrong.'

I continued... and said 'I do wonder if you have something called health anxiety; like worrying massively about your health and over-inflating things and thinking they're worse than they are. Like having a slight twinge in your chest and thinking you're about to have a heart attack, or having a wee headache and thinking you have a brain tumour.. And from my point of view, it's frustrating to have to keep hearing it. I don't know what to say and I don't know what to do.'

Well this went down like a cup of cold sick. 'I'm not imagining things and I'm not lying' he said. 'I feel pain all the time, I am suffering and in constant agony, and now you're calling me a liar! Thanks a lot!' I told him I never said he was a liar; just that he is worrying about things that are probably just natural wear and tear and natural minor pains that any 50-something man would get.'

Upshot is, he is still in bed sulking, he thinks I am the most unsupportive wife in the world, he is not going for the x ray now, and he is never going to the doctor again. He will suffer and never complain again, and hopefully he will just rot and then we will all be sorry.

He WAS tested for RA by the way, (about a year ago,) and no, he doesn't have it.

He is very stubborn and is now angry and upset. I have tried to say 'I don't think you are making stuff up, and I am sure you do feel pains and aches, but the fact that they never ever find anything seriously wrong must tell you surely, that nothing bad is going on. I genuinely think you have health anxiety and maybe you should go see the doctor about it to see if you can talk to someone about why you worry so much about your health, and why you feel pains all the time, but nothing is ever found...'

'No! I am never going to the doctor again; why waste their time and mine? And I won't be complaining about my pain again if it's getting on YOUR nerves so much. Hopefully I'll die in my sleep soon so you won't have to tolerate me much longer.'

I tried my best to be nice and to be diplomatic, but he took it the wrong way of course. I think if I had said 'I am sick of you moaning, there is fuck all wrong!' he would not have reacted any differently.

SIGH.......I just do not know what to do now... I have just left him in bed now.

[user1484750550]

Not sure if it's Munchhausen's, but it is almost certainly health anxiety/hypochondria. As I said though, it's not gone down very well; me bringing it up. I don't suppose anyone is going to take too kindly to someone saying they are quite possibly imagining pain, (let alone their wife!) However, I had to say something as it's driving me nuts now. It may well be worth a day or two of him sulking, if he stops!

At the same time, I do genuinely think he needs to talk to someone about it. He won't though, because he doesn't acknowledge that there is a problem.

[elvislives2012]

My DH is the same. I often think he does it to get attention as he's jealous of the children!

[user1484750550]

Oh dear elvislives! That's terrible, but not unheard of. Our kids are grown now so that is unlikely. And he has only been this bad for about 7 years; worse this past 3 or so. As I said earlier in the thread; there really is no easy to say 'there is nothing wrong with you, it has been PROVEN! So please stop whingeing!'

[FurryLittleTwerp]

The physical symptoms of Health Anxiety are real, just not caused by serious physical problems.

If I were his GP, I'd be trying something like amitriptyline (an old-fashioned antidepressant) which is good for chronic pain and for anxiety.

I think what you said to him was spot on, actually - shame he's in a huff.

[user1484750550]

Thanks funny little twerp. I do feel horrible now though - and guilty. And he is still in bed.

Like I said, he was never gonna take it well!

[elvislives2012]

Yes I've tried that and I get the "sulk" like your DH. ITS LIKE HAVING THREE CHILDREN SOMETIMES!

[Sallystyle]

Most people with HA know they are anxious and have a problem mentally. Maybe not at first but soon we pretty much catch on that something else is going on.

OP you handled it well. His reaction seems quite extreme to me though, which makes me wonder if he actually is just physically unwell. You know him the best though. Either way it can't go on like this can it? Even if you are genuinely unwell you don't have to complain to the extreme that he seems to.

His reply to you in pretty manipulative I think. I am pretty confused actually. It doesn't seem to go with HA. Everyone is different of course but I know so many people with HA from support groups and we all know we have HA (obviously)

I think the only thing you can do now is carry on being honest and tell him you can't carry on like this and he needs to investigate if he has HA or stop moaning so much.

[user1484750550]

By the way DH isn't overweight (someone asked this earlier.. )

[user1484750550]

Thanks U2. I thought I would get more of an angry reaction on here from the posters tbh! (Maybe I will yet!) I did try and handle it as best I could, and as I said, there WAS no easy way to say what I had to say. And yes he HAS taken it verrrrry badly. He is a sulker though when things don't go his way, and he can be passive aggressive. He always goes to bed for 1-3 hours if we have 'words' to show how annoyed he is LOL. I have got used to it after all these years, even though I hate it, and I guess I am not perfect, but it is annoying!

Hopefully it will still sink it (what I said...)