Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another "he won't marry me thread" - apologies in advance!

159 replies

mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 12:36

Been with P for 6 years. We are now 26/29 years old. Generally happy, lots of common interests, enjoy each other's company. We don't live together.

He has always been very very adverse to discussing things like feelings and emotions, or basically anything relationship related.

If one were to observe us closely, we'd seem like a caring but rather casual couple. We spend a lot of time together and stick up for each other, but we have never had a conversation which is not directly about food, work, books, movies, museums, science, youtube videos, general gossip, current affairs, planning the day etc.

It's never bothered me much in the past, I was wrapped up in finishing my degree, focussing on early career and things. But in the past year or so, it has suddenly started to hit me that we have never discussed things like commitment to one another or the possibility of any kind of future together. I have tried to gauge his thoughts on this, but any mention of things like meeting family, moving in together, maybe getting engaged (in the future one day) gets his back right up and he becomes really defensive and dismissive, and it always escalates into an argument.

His general response to anything I bring up is generally of the ilk: "it's too too soon", "we haven't been together long enough", "we're too young", "I'm not ready", "I'm not sure", "I've never thought about it", "I will think about it (and never bring it up again)", "I don't want to think about it", "I like things the way they are, why can't you do the same" "you're too old fashioned" and "you're too demanding".

He can be quite convincing in making out that I'm the one living in some kind of fairytale world full of patriarchy, wanting a happy ever after with prince charming.

I've enjoyed his company for the past few years, but is it really that unusual to expect more? Is normal for him to want to just carry on the way we are forever, never offering any kind of commitment? Or have I got it all wrong, and this is what a committed relationship is meant to look like?

OP posts:
Bobochic · 02/02/2017 12:39

If you want to commit, he's not the one. Move on and interview more candidates for the job of Mr Mooncuppy.

Nowthereistwo · 02/02/2017 12:41

He's telling you everything- he's not that interested.

I presume he's 29 - what are his friends doing? At 29 most of ours were living together, married etc.

I think you need to carefully considered if you want to waste more important years with him or be with someone who shares the same values, life goals etc.

Mouthfulofquiz · 02/02/2017 12:41

I think the time has come to move on...

PurpleWithRed · 02/02/2017 12:42

This is what an uncommitted relationship looks like. I'm with Bobochic.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2017 12:43

Have you ever met his family?
6 years is a long time and you don't live together either.
Sounds like a commitment phobe to me!
Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
If he won't commit to anything now will he ever agree to having DC?
Do you want kids in the future?
If so then I suggest you cut and run and find someone who is properly 'into you'. This guy is not!

Lottapianos · 02/02/2017 12:44

I think your problem is that he can't seem to have a reasonable discussion about your future. It sounds like he does a lot of lashing out, stonewalling, criticising and blaming when you mention the future. These are all big red flags.

Not everyone is interested in marriage, children, mortgage - the traditional things that we are all 'supposed' to want. However, in a committed relationship, you should be able to express your desires and emotions and know that your partner will be able to hear you and take what you say on board. Its very understandable that your thoughts are turning to the future and how your relationship will develop, and his negative, almost panicky response would worry me a lot. Its such a cliché to say that relationships are based on communication but its also very true.

Original poster
mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 12:47

I presume he's 29 - what are his friends doing? At 29 most of ours were living together, married etc.

All of his friends are married/engaged/living together (as are many of mine). But he has seemed to convince himself that he's actually much younger than all the people he went to school/uni with, and comparison is unhealthy...

OP posts:
WonderMike · 02/02/2017 12:47

Nowt wrong with "wanting a happy ever after with prince charming" He's just grumpy because it's clear that isn't him.

Sounds like you have outgrown him, time to move on.

Original poster
mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 12:53

Have you ever met his family?
In passing, a few siblings here and there, for a few minutes.

6 years is a long time and you don't live together either.
It was always "too soon" (even for me), and now suddenly here we are 6 years later.

OP posts:
F1GI · 02/02/2017 12:54

I would tell him directly that if your life plans don't match up then it's time to go separate ways.

Other than that, six years is a very long time not to have moved in together plus if he turns any serious conversation into an argument and/or dresses your reasonable questions up as demanding fairytales rather than answering reasonably then you should probably ditch him as he's a man baby and a rude cunt.

Gallavich · 02/02/2017 12:56

Your relationship isn't on a deep enough level to be sustained through the vagaries of young children, financial hardship, ill parents and all the other stresses that go along with family life. Cut your losses and move on.

Hellmouth · 02/02/2017 12:57

After 6 years you have barely met his family or really discussed commitment ... doesn't sound like he's interested in being in a committed relationship to me, let alone getting married to be honest.

PenguinsandPebbles · 02/02/2017 12:57

You have only met his family in passing?

So never spent Christmas, birthdays or other special occasions with them?

I think it's time to move on, you can't find Mr Right whilst your hoping Mr Wrong is going to change.

AllTheLight · 02/02/2017 13:01

After 6 years it is ridiculous that you can't have any kind of conversation about any form of commitment! And I say that as someone who didn't rush into marriage at all (we were together for 5 years before we got engaged). Time to move on, sorry.

PossumInAPearTree · 02/02/2017 13:02

Chances are if you stay with him you'll be in the same position in six years time. I would finish things.

Original poster
mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 13:02

So never spent Christmas, birthdays or other special occasions with them?

Never. I just went with it. Asked if I could visit a year or so in, but was told it was much too soon, so dropped it.

I spent the week before and after Christmas completely alone manning the desks at work a few years ago. I would have appreciated an invite on Christmas day...

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 02/02/2017 13:04

There's no point in pursuing a relationship with someone who's future plans do not match your own. You can't even talk to him about what he wants which tells you everything you need to know.

I'm not saying this would be appropriate for everyone, but DH and I discussed wanting to get married and have children in the not too distant future on our first date. I wouldn't waste time with someone hoping they might change.

ElspethFlashman · 02/02/2017 13:06

Ah here.....this is ridiculous after 6 years. Tbh barely having met his family would be ridiculous after one year.

He is not The One. Stop wasting your time. I have work colleagues I have deeper conversations with!

guinnessgirl · 02/02/2017 13:06

The big flashing red lights for me are that you've barely meet his family, and that he won't talk about commitment. After SIX YEARS. That is not normal. Make it clear that you need more from the relationship, and if he can't or won't give it, move on. Otherwise you'll suddenly find yourself in the same position in another six years, with any chance of building a family a fast vanishing prospect. I'm sorry FlowersCake

ChicRock · 02/02/2017 13:08

After 6 years you haven't even met his family?

This man does not want a traditional/romantic relationship with you, his actions and words tell you that, loud and clear.

I'm sure he likes spending time with you though. But if it hasn't progressed beyond that in 6 years, that's all it'll ever be.

Amithenormalone · 02/02/2017 13:09

I think like everyone else that it's time to move on.
When I first met dh he told me he didn't want marriage children ect it was my first relationship in 8 years so I thought eh ho let's see how it goes. The thing was he had just come out a relationship similar to yours. He was happy and content with his ex but that really was it. About 6 months into our relationship he relized that he was more than happy and content that he couldn't actual imagine living with out me again. I think that's your difference between loving someone and bumbling along and loving someone and seeing them as a life partner. I don't think you both feel that way and that if you really want a life partner with marriage children ect that you need to move on. It will all make sense once you meet that one that clicks right. Me and dh have been together 5 years married for 2 have 2 children together and he has taken on full responsibility for my eldest dc. Not bad to say he didn't want it hehe.

Floggingmolly · 02/02/2017 13:10

He doesn't see his future with you. Sorry.

HecateAntaia · 02/02/2017 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 13:14

He doesn't see his future with you.

Ah, but that's what gets me. Why doesn't he just say it and we break up. Every time I try to leave he suddenly promises to start thinking about things (and then never brings anything up again).

OP posts:
Boredbeforeievenbegan · 02/02/2017 13:15

Move on. By the time my ex came around to the idea he had already lost me...