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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another "he won't marry me thread" - apologies in advance!

159 replies

mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 12:36

Been with P for 6 years. We are now 26/29 years old. Generally happy, lots of common interests, enjoy each other's company. We don't live together.

He has always been very very adverse to discussing things like feelings and emotions, or basically anything relationship related.

If one were to observe us closely, we'd seem like a caring but rather casual couple. We spend a lot of time together and stick up for each other, but we have never had a conversation which is not directly about food, work, books, movies, museums, science, youtube videos, general gossip, current affairs, planning the day etc.

It's never bothered me much in the past, I was wrapped up in finishing my degree, focussing on early career and things. But in the past year or so, it has suddenly started to hit me that we have never discussed things like commitment to one another or the possibility of any kind of future together. I have tried to gauge his thoughts on this, but any mention of things like meeting family, moving in together, maybe getting engaged (in the future one day) gets his back right up and he becomes really defensive and dismissive, and it always escalates into an argument.

His general response to anything I bring up is generally of the ilk: "it's too too soon", "we haven't been together long enough", "we're too young", "I'm not ready", "I'm not sure", "I've never thought about it", "I will think about it (and never bring it up again)", "I don't want to think about it", "I like things the way they are, why can't you do the same" "you're too old fashioned" and "you're too demanding".

He can be quite convincing in making out that I'm the one living in some kind of fairytale world full of patriarchy, wanting a happy ever after with prince charming.

I've enjoyed his company for the past few years, but is it really that unusual to expect more? Is normal for him to want to just carry on the way we are forever, never offering any kind of commitment? Or have I got it all wrong, and this is what a committed relationship is meant to look like?

OP posts:
Original poster
mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 15:49

I'm not sure his parents even know

Please do not put with relationship with another person where after six bloody years you've only met his family 'in passing.' I wonder who they think you are? Were you introduced as his girlfriend?

They know. In the fleeting meetings with siblings, it is always brought up that the family was expecting me to join them for the last family holiday, or see me at so and so's wedding, or that their mum always wants to have me around, its a shame I'm always so busy at work and the dates never match up. Always the first I ever hear of these.

He always INSISTS till blue in the face that I WAS invited at the time, was busy and must have forgotten.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 02/02/2017 15:50

Move out. Have fun. Have lots of sex with attractive partners and go out late and act your age (which is very young!). You want different things - which is fine, nothing wrong in wanting a committed partner - so instead of staying in being bored and unfulfilled, have a good time looking for what you do want.

Original poster
mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 15:51

Have you ever asked him btw?

About marriage and the future. Yep, loads of times, generally resulting in standoffishness and an argument.

OP posts:
PossumInAPearTree · 02/02/2017 15:51

Wow, so not only a total commitment phobe he's also a liar and a gas lighter. You're going to have a lucky escape.

Original poster
mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 15:54

Move out.

Well that bit's easy :)

Have fun. Have lots of sex with attractive partners and go out late and act your age (which is very young!).

Well thats the thing. I do wonder sometimes if I'm too young to be thinking about things like settling down and families, and actually I'm the one being ridiculous.

OP posts:
sarahnova69 · 02/02/2017 15:55

He always INSISTS till blue in the face that I WAS invited at the time, was busy and must have forgotten.

Okay, so he gaslights the shit out of you. Dear Christ. Stay with him much longer and he'll break down your self-esteem and your mental health.

Are you going to break up with him? (I wrote "leave him" originally, but you don't even have to physically "leave".)

motherinferior · 02/02/2017 15:57

You are young for it imo (yes, yes, I know loads of posters had houses and families and mortgages at 26 - well, lots of us didn't either): but it sounds to me like you have the worst of both worlds as things are. Living with a bloke who is frankly being very annoying about things like his family or any commitment to you.

And I speak as someone who doesn't believe in The One and isn't married.Grin

sarahnova69 · 02/02/2017 15:57

Well thats the thing. I do wonder sometimes if I'm too young to be thinking about things like settling down and families, and actually I'm the one being ridiculous.

You aren't. He is.

Do you see how damaging he could be to you, and your belief in yourself, and your acceptance of your own needs?

It's fine just to want to be single and have fun at 26. It's also fine to want to get married and have kids. It is not fine to tell your partner that what they want is stupid and unacceptable.

FWIW, I got together with my husband at 20, and we were married at 26. We still had lots of adventures and didn't have children till our thirties.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 15:59

Op. 26/29 is not too young as you're seeing with your friendship circles. You know this.

I'm not sure what you're looking for here, it's not a committed relationship. He doesn't want uou to come to family events or even meet his parents and he's told uou he won't propose. You know this too.

You know the score. You won't wear him down.💐

OlennasWimple · 02/02/2017 16:00

Honestly? Just break up with him and put your energy into finding someone who wants the same things as you.

Doesn't have to be a big drama, just tell him it's over (and don't listen to his likely promises to change - he won't)

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 02/02/2017 16:01

To paraphrase Albert Einstein, 'insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.'

You have given it your best shot OP, walk away and find someone who will have a real relationship with you.

Arkengarthdale · 02/02/2017 16:01

Why would you even want to try to wear him down?

It's been fine for you both for quite a while and now it's not fine for you. Great! Keep find memories and find someone else who's at the same life stage as you.

And enjoy the adventure!

Original poster
mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 16:01

Are you going to break up with him?

Yep. He's been maintaining a stony silence since our last "discussion" on Friday. I've had wagers with myself in the past that if I didn't give in and get in touch with him after disagreements, I'd probably just never hear from him again.

I think this time I might put the hypothesis to the test.

OP posts:
Arkengarthdale · 02/02/2017 16:03

Fond memories. And find someone else...

RubyWinterstorm · 02/02/2017 16:04

Please do

hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2017 16:05

So he stonewalls you as well.
Another form of abuse by the way.
What a lovely chap he is

Emmageddon · 02/02/2017 16:07

Finish it now. He's not right for you. Remember the good times and draw a line underneath the relationship.

There's someone out there who will want the same things that you do, who will be proud to introduce you to his family, who will want to talk about your future together, who will love you to pieces and vice versa, and will want to travel the same journey that you do.

TequillaTakilla · 02/02/2017 16:10

What Wannabe said:

Have the conversation: "look, we've had the conversation on numerous occasions about living together, marriage etc and whether we have a future, and every time we do you shut me down. So as it's clear that a future with me isn't what you want it's clear we both want different things, so it's over." And then walk away without a backward glance. And if he says that he'll think about it: "well, we've been together for six years, if you still need to think about it then it's clear this isn't what you want."

ESPECIALLY THIS BIT:

And if he says that he'll think about it: "well, we've been together for six years, if you still need to think about it then it's clear this isn't what you want."

There is no way that 6 years can be "too soon". It's 6 years. Hell, you could easily have a 2 year old child by now even on a fairly slow timetable (2 years together, one year to plan a wedding, pregnancy).

I also agree that you should watch out for a paste engagement ring with no meaning. You don't want a grudging engagement with no date attached. You want someone who realises they are going to lose you and set a date asap because they realise they are going to lose the best thing that ever happened to him. I will wager that is not this man. He sounds like he's just enjoying an easy, non commited coast a long.

Original poster
mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 16:13

And if he says that he'll think about it: "well, we've been together for six years, if you still need to think about it then it's clear this isn't what you want."

He's said he needs at least another 3 years to think about it. And then brings up the fact that it hasn't been 3 years every time I raise it again.

This is bonkers, isn't it.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/02/2017 16:16

This is bonkers, isn't it
YES!!! With bells on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2017 16:17

So he's a lying, sulky commitment-phobic. I had one of these, dumped him, he panicked, proposed and married me. Let's just say it didn't go well!

Now I have lovely DH2 who didn't act like a wanker. However he never wanted to get married until he met me so I'll bet he had a few GFs in the past who felt like you.

Find someone who can't bear the thought of not being with you.

BeMorePanda · 02/02/2017 16:17

He always INSISTS till blue in the face that I WAS invited at the time, was busy and must have forgotten.
This is some serious gaslighting - so he's gone out of his way all these years to keep you away from his family, who would have loved to spend time with you. That's some pretty nasty shit & tells you all you need to know. Plus the stony silence now - he's a moody fucker too.

Dump & run - you're future is very bright without him. He's not that into you, and frankly I think you've dodged a bullet!

BeMorePanda · 02/02/2017 16:20

I really don't think you need any more conversations with him apart from "thanks for the last few years, it's been great. See ya round."

beware the empty ring.

Surreyblah · 02/02/2017 16:28

Very glad you're planning to end the relationship

It's not at all "ridiculous" to have wanted commitment. Nor would it be ridiculous to want to be single, or date a little or a lot.

What WOULD be ridiculous is remaining in a relationship with someone who behaves like he has and does.

You mention a previous abusive relationship. Your current bf might not be abusive but sounds unpleasant and not a good bf. Yet you wanted commitment from him. Perhaps something is up with your "bar" for relationships?

OrchidaceousRose · 02/02/2017 16:28

LTB