Another "he won't marry me thread" - apologies in advance!

[mooncuppy]

Been with P for 6 years. We are now 26/29 years old. Generally happy, lots of common interests, enjoy each other's company. We don't live together.

He has always been very very adverse to discussing things like feelings and emotions, or basically anything relationship related.

If one were to observe us closely, we'd seem like a caring but rather casual couple. We spend a lot of time together and stick up for each other, but we have never had a conversation which is not directly about food, work, books, movies, museums, science, youtube videos, general gossip, current affairs, planning the day etc.

It's never bothered me much in the past, I was wrapped up in finishing my degree, focussing on early career and things. But in the past year or so, it has suddenly started to hit me that we have never discussed things like commitment to one another or the possibility of any kind of future together. I have tried to gauge his thoughts on this, but any mention of things like meeting family, moving in together, maybe getting engaged (in the future one day) gets his back right up and he becomes really defensive and dismissive, and it always escalates into an argument.

His general response to anything I bring up is generally of the ilk: "it's too too soon", "we haven't been together long enough", "we're too young", "I'm not ready", "I'm not sure", "I've never thought about it", "I will think about it (and never bring it up again)", "I don't want to think about it", "I like things the way they are, why can't you do the same" "you're too old fashioned" and "you're too demanding".

He can be quite convincing in making out that I'm the one living in some kind of fairytale world full of patriarchy, wanting a happy ever after with prince charming.

I've enjoyed his company for the past few years, but is it really that unusual to expect more? Is normal for him to want to just carry on the way we are forever, never offering any kind of commitment? Or have I got it all wrong, and this is what a committed relationship is meant to look like?

When I met my Dh he had been with someone for 7 years in exactly the same situation.. Separate Christmas, separate visits to parents, no plans for marriage or children even if they were both in their 30s.

Dh told me at the time he had no.interest in marriage and kids.

A year later we were married and I was expecting, we ended up with four children.

Eldest is 12 now!!

He said he didn't realise he just had not met the right person (and viceversa probably).

I would part ways

Umm.. hate to go against the chorus here but I could have posted this 3 years ago, with the exception of DP never ever shut me down when I tried to talk to him, he would never have done that, I just never brought it up properly and neither did he. We've never had a 'serious discussion' about our future in any way but somehow have managed to buy a house and get engaged without having to have a long drawn out chat about our relationship. That would be really weird! We've also never had an argument about anything significant and function as a bloody good team. The future thing is a bit of a red herring OP, that's not where the problem in your relationship is, it's in the fact you can't talk to each other and need to have this chat in the first place.

DP and I got together when I was 17, he was 19 and went to uni at opposite ends of the country. We had a long distance relationship with regular visiting (once a month-ish) throughout our studies so never really discussed moving in or anything. That lasted 5 years and in all that time we sort of grew up into adults together.

When we both graduated and moved home after uni, we sort of ended up living together at his parents house because it was such a novelty to be able to spend so much time together. That went on for a year but throughout that year we talked briefly about moving in together, buying a house etc. The discussion was always jokey and a bit wistful, but never a serious chat.

A year later, we had both saved up money, so we bought our house and basically lived together for the first time in the 6th year of our relationship! .. we'd still never had a serious discussion of any kind, it basically happened organically because we seemed to be on the same page.

2 years after that (last august) out of the blue, DP proposed. We hadn't ever discussed getting married or the future or anything, but I think we know each other well enough to understand what the other wants. We are getting married next year :)

If there isn't that sense of 'one-ness' between you and you Can't talk to him about this stuff without him getting defensive, that's where the problem is.

Commitment-phobe
Gaslighter
Selfish
Doesn't care what you want
Doesn't care if you're unhappy

Just text him saying "I've been doing some thinking and this isn't what I want anymore".

I don't think you are disagreeing lumberies . It's not the time that's the issue for anyone. Especially as in both cases, all parties are quite young. It's the lack of any commitment or progression in the relationship, that they don't even know each others families. You don't need to have a massive conversation about the future. I spent Christmas with my DH's family after 2 months, yet we didn't marry for another 4 years.

Text what AyeAmarok says... don't wait to find out if he ever contacts you just pull the plug yourself now, then you don't have to wonder, just take control of it yourself.

Do not give this Man another day of your love and affection.... Come to Scotland.. bring willies and a raincoat .. and be happy x

You're not 'the one' for him, he's making that very clear with his actions. You need to move on.

Come to Scotland.. bring willies and a raincoat .. and be happy

Sniggers

oh the silence! to punish you for even raising the subject! He's no respect for your agenda. He is the one who knows what he wants. He hasn't the balls to come right out and say that he doesn't want to marry you.

Don't be flattered by the fact that he doesn't want to lose you. I wasted time with a guy like that once. I felt better when I took the decision. I missed him for about three weeks, but surprisingly quickly, I felt better.