Another "he won't marry me thread" - apologies in advance!

[mooncuppy]

Been with P for 6 years. We are now 26/29 years old. Generally happy, lots of common interests, enjoy each other's company. We don't live together.

He has always been very very adverse to discussing things like feelings and emotions, or basically anything relationship related.

If one were to observe us closely, we'd seem like a caring but rather casual couple. We spend a lot of time together and stick up for each other, but we have never had a conversation which is not directly about food, work, books, movies, museums, science, youtube videos, general gossip, current affairs, planning the day etc.

It's never bothered me much in the past, I was wrapped up in finishing my degree, focussing on early career and things. But in the past year or so, it has suddenly started to hit me that we have never discussed things like commitment to one another or the possibility of any kind of future together. I have tried to gauge his thoughts on this, but any mention of things like meeting family, moving in together, maybe getting engaged (in the future one day) gets his back right up and he becomes really defensive and dismissive, and it always escalates into an argument.

His general response to anything I bring up is generally of the ilk: "it's too too soon", "we haven't been together long enough", "we're too young", "I'm not ready", "I'm not sure", "I've never thought about it", "I will think about it (and never bring it up again)", "I don't want to think about it", "I like things the way they are, why can't you do the same" "you're too old fashioned" and "you're too demanding".

He can be quite convincing in making out that I'm the one living in some kind of fairytale world full of patriarchy, wanting a happy ever after with prince charming.

I've enjoyed his company for the past few years, but is it really that unusual to expect more? Is normal for him to want to just carry on the way we are forever, never offering any kind of commitment? Or have I got it all wrong, and this is what a committed relationship is meant to look like?

You will probably find that when your relationship ends you will, within a few years, hear that he got married and / or had a child.

I entirely agree with you, and have thought so and said it many times. He does seem keen to cling on though, or maybe I'm just imagining it.

Why doesn't he just say it and we break up

Because he quite likes what he's got now.

He doesn't like it enough to move it up a few levels though, and he knows that promising to "start thinking about things" is enough to keep you there.

You have to stop trying to leave and actually leave. Sorry.

I was where you are at 29 but we'd been together only three years. He married someone else about two years after we broke up which tells me I was never The One.

He won't break up with you because he has no reason to. He is enjoying your company and is happy with how things are.

You can make the decision to break up with him.

Unfortunately the relationship looks like it's run its course.
Don't waste another 6 years with Mr Wrong.

He has company and sex when he wants it so why would he want to break up with you? Deep down he knows you're not the one and will always have his eye out for someone else. You run the risk of been dumped when this happens. Don't waste ten years waiting for this to happen when you could be out there, dating and potentially finding someone who does want to marry you, have kids, etc.

Dump him and don't believe him when he promises you the earth.

He really isnt that in to you, I'm afraid. He doesn't break up with you because the status quo suits him. It gives him company and sex when he wants it. He doesn't have to share his living space, he doesn't share his family, he doesn't actually share his life. It's basically a friends with benefits situation from his side, a relationship from yours.
You might not be the only one, by the way.

Seriously, just disengage from the game. You are looking for more, he won't ever want to give it to you. For whatever reason.

I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else. If, after 6 year, you have never met his family and there has been no family occasion to which you are invited (don't they get together around birthdays ?!!) or even a night out with sibling, well, that's really a big warning bell that he does not consider you family. In which case, he is not committed to you emotionally and if that's not happened by now I can't see it ever will.

Why doesn't he just say it and we break up. Every time I try to leave he suddenly promises to start thinking about things (and then never brings anything up again).
Because he's quite happy with things the way they are, so he makes half-hearted promises to 'start thinking' about it, then when you settle down again, he conveniently forgets.
Not even to 'think about it', but to START thinking about it ... Don't waste any more of your youth and time with him. Sorry.

I agree with everyone else, don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it

He doesn't leave, because it's easier not too.

He more than likely, likes you he may even love you in some way but he doesn't sound to be "in" love with you, and I know that is so hard to hear. You need to leave, he won't I'm afraid.

Not even being invited to spend Christmas with him is horrible, makes me very sad.

You need to leave Mr Wrong so you can find Mr Right - there is not the future you want in this relationship and you deserve to be very happy not just muddling along.

Sooner you do it the better really - and I know it won't be easy but your be much happier

I agree with everyone else, don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it

It's easy to keep going in situations like these because you feel you have invested so much, and it will get better - therefore you think it's almost a waste to move away.

The way to look at it, is that this relationship has served its purpose, you have had fun but ultimately it has helped you to learn what you really want in a relationship.

Just my opinion of course, but definetly think it's time to move on.

AND

It took me and dh 6 years to get round to engaged and we'd no plans for children at that stage but there had been lots of family get togethers and fun birthday meals, people coming to visit, moving in together and silly romantic discussions about what we would be like in old age. You just sound like friends who shag. I hope you find the strength to break it off, you will either give him the jump start he needs to find a more meaningful relationship and for you to open yourself up to better relationships, it's a win win for you both actually.

There's a big difference between someone saying 'I love you, I'm committed, I've love to grow old with you but I don't want a piece of paper to get married' and what this man is saying which is 'after 6 years, I don't want to get to know your family, live together, get in any way more entangled because I don't see a future together'.

As to why he wouldn't leave you, why would he, he likes the status quo, nice times, fun, no commitment, no parents, no nothing except how he likes it, but the trouble is as soon as you ask anything of him, he probably will leave you or push you to leave him.

This isn't a marriage thread, it's about him not seeing a shared future, surely that's not ok for you? (I had to laugh at 'too soon' when you've been together 6 years).

It sounds like you both want different things. And maybe he is torn - maybe he wants to stay or be with you so keeps saying things to keep you with him and keep things the way they are (which he seems comfortable with). You are still so young and there are many men out there who I am sure would want the same things you do.

One of my friends is in the same situation - they have now been together 21 years and no nearer to marrying, even though she wants it and children etc so badly and always has. Her bf has said nearly exactly the same things to her as yours has to you (I do not doubt he loves her and does not want to lose her) and she's 40 and worried she has missed out on children now.

I have heard and seen this many times with friends. Leave him asap don't waist more time
I had 3 very close friends who were in your situation almost ( sorry buts yours is actually worse, 6 years and not even met the family properly????). They all ended up single in their 30s when eventually they released it wasn't happening. 2 out of 3 are now married with children at 38/39 the 3rd is on the verge of getting engaged.
Walk now at 26 you have time to meet mr right. Also marriage and children and happy ever after does exist and yes you should hold out for it!
Good luck and have fun dating a new lovely man x

I should make it really clear my friends all found happiness with new men not the commitment phobic boyfriends of their 20's.
Just break up!

Why on gods green earth would he break up with you??!

You are a lovely woman who loves him and is careful not to push him, and when you do try to raise disagreeable topics, he can put you back in your box pretty quickly. You have no idea how much more you could get from someone else.

He would be insane to dump you. You are as good as it gets - for him.

For you.....he is about as low a standard of commitment as you could get.

My husband and I took things slow (6 years to move in together, 11 years to get married) but we'd talked about the future, met family after about a year together. It's the not talking that would worry me. I agree with the others, he is waiting for the one.

He likes you. He doesn't want to break up. He wants things to carry on like this for ever.
You like him. You want the relationship to either move forward or end. You do not want to carry on like this for ever.
On these really pivotal issues you only concur on 1/3.
The irony is that once you have made a clean break you are both much more likely to meet someone who does want to move the relationship forward. You are both holding each other back.

It's not going anywhere. Leave if it's not enough for you.

He may love you in some sort of fashion, and therefore doesn't want to break it up, or he may just like the on-tap shag (sorry) or he might just be waiting for you to do it because he can't be the "bad guy" in this.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you with this individual at all?. I can see what he gets out of it and leaving you would entail him then having to find some other victim to target and work on. He does not want the work in doing that because he is that lazy.

There are many red flags re this man not least of all his stonewalling and inability to have any sort of conversation with you about his own feelings.
You've only met his family in passing as well and you've been together for 6 years?. Another red flag.

If you want marriage it will not be to this man. He cannot and will not commit further to you. This is who he is and he will not change. You are really his "she will do for now" woman. He is Mr Wrong for you on so many levels.

This is what an uncommitted relationship looks like. Do not further get sucked into the "sunken costs fallacy" either.

Time to make your exit from this sham.

Stop "trying" to leave him and actually leave him.

Have the conversation: "look, we've had the conversation on numerous occasions about living together, marriage etc and whether we have a future, and every time we do you shut me down. So as it's clear that a future with me isn't what you want it's clear we both want different things, so it's over." And then walk away without a backward glance. And if he says that he'll think about it: "well, we've been together for six years, if you still need to think about it then it's clear this isn't what you want."

Actually leave, stop trying to. And when he starts with his protests which you know won't come to anything, just ignore them.

He has everything he wants, a casual thing, no commitment and he gets sex. It's been six years, it's really not going anywhere. You could spend years clinging on but in 15 years time you'll still be in the same position you are now.

You're 26, don't waste even more years on this man. He is not going to marry you.