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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another "he won't marry me thread" - apologies in advance!

159 replies

mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 12:36

Been with P for 6 years. We are now 26/29 years old. Generally happy, lots of common interests, enjoy each other's company. We don't live together.

He has always been very very adverse to discussing things like feelings and emotions, or basically anything relationship related.

If one were to observe us closely, we'd seem like a caring but rather casual couple. We spend a lot of time together and stick up for each other, but we have never had a conversation which is not directly about food, work, books, movies, museums, science, youtube videos, general gossip, current affairs, planning the day etc.

It's never bothered me much in the past, I was wrapped up in finishing my degree, focussing on early career and things. But in the past year or so, it has suddenly started to hit me that we have never discussed things like commitment to one another or the possibility of any kind of future together. I have tried to gauge his thoughts on this, but any mention of things like meeting family, moving in together, maybe getting engaged (in the future one day) gets his back right up and he becomes really defensive and dismissive, and it always escalates into an argument.

His general response to anything I bring up is generally of the ilk: "it's too too soon", "we haven't been together long enough", "we're too young", "I'm not ready", "I'm not sure", "I've never thought about it", "I will think about it (and never bring it up again)", "I don't want to think about it", "I like things the way they are, why can't you do the same" "you're too old fashioned" and "you're too demanding".

He can be quite convincing in making out that I'm the one living in some kind of fairytale world full of patriarchy, wanting a happy ever after with prince charming.

I've enjoyed his company for the past few years, but is it really that unusual to expect more? Is normal for him to want to just carry on the way we are forever, never offering any kind of commitment? Or have I got it all wrong, and this is what a committed relationship is meant to look like?

OP posts:

HelenaGWells · 02/02/2017 14:16

Not everyone wants to get married but most people do at least live together. 6 years is a very long time to be living apart, not engaged and not even having met each others families properly. It's also a long time to be fobbed off when asking these questions.

I don't think you will find commitment with this guy. In my experience for most people they are either engaged, married or living together within 3-5 years at most. At the very least they have met each others families and go to each others family events.

I've personally never known anyone get past 5 years without being either engaged, married or living together. The odd ones who have have split up not long after.

Taking it slow is fine, one person refusing to answer questions about commitment is not. You deserve more.

BarbarianMum · 02/02/2017 14:17

^^This! Some people don't want commitment - fine. You do - also fine. Say goodbye to this one and go find it.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 02/02/2017 14:40

This goes one of three ways...

You carry on as you are, until you're past your childbearing years and are so full of bitterness and resentment that the "relationship" (for want of a better word" is dead in the water anyway.

He cheats on you, you find out, you kick him out/he leaves, he's married to the OW and expecting a baby within 2 years.

You bin him off now and find your Mr Right and live happily ever after. Meanwhile he still ends up married and expecting a baby with someone else within 2 years.

I've seen it happen so many times.

ItsAFluffy · 02/02/2017 14:52

Agree with PP, he is telling you he's not wanting to settle down, if you do think about how you will feel a few years down the line and it's still the same. You can still be friends if you don't want to remove him completely from your life. It may be the kick up the arse he needs to realise what he's losing. At the moment nothing will change unless you make changes for your own benefit. I'm talking from experience, I had this for a few years and said that's fine if that's for you but it's not for me and things changed and we are happy and moving forward. We are almost a decade older than you OP but same rules apply. You don't want to waste your 20s in a dead end relationship. Tell him what you want, let him answer and walk away and leave him to it if you have to. ( I also have 2 kids from a previous relationship so I can guarantee you you will be way happier with someone right for you)

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2017 15:00

You are at a fantastic age. You've had a relationship for six years - that's a hell of a long time at your age. The man you're involved with doesn't treat you even as though you're his best friend. He left you alone on Christmas Day?

I would make the break now. There are still tons of single people around. You're young enough not to go for someone with too much baggage, too.

Out there is someone who shares your interests and who will love you more than anything and the thought of leaving you alone at Christmas will make him upset. This isn't the man for you. And yes, I bet he will be married with a child within a year or two of you going.

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2017 15:01

Be warned, though - he may offer something like a begrudged engagement "if it bothers you that much." That won't mean a thing; it'll just be to shut you up.

ijustwannadance · 02/02/2017 15:02

Bloody hell OP, in 6 years there have been no family parties/weddings/big birthdays/get togethers or even just being invited round for dinner, especially at xmas!!!!!

He hasn't let you near his family or made an effort with yours because you are clearly nothing but a stopgap to him. Filling the time so he isn't alone before he grows the fuck up.

Don't waste any more of your life on him. You are in a better position to dump him than most in that you have no joint living arrangements of children.

If he doesn't want anyone thinking you are his girlfriend/partner, then i'm afraid I also wouldn't trust him. Run. Fast.

BumDNC · 02/02/2017 15:04

Agree agree with all. He's no reason to leave you, he likes things rhe way they are

But he's told you it won't change

It's not what you want

This relationship has run its course. You can't make him feel the same way, he just doesn't unfortunately

GeekyWombat · 02/02/2017 15:08

I had a lovely friends with benefits type relationship (friendship) for a few years between long term relationships. At the time I didn't want serious emotion, just someone to go to the cinema with, chat about the news with and have sex with. Reading what you've said about how your relationship works the dynamic seems very similar.

Only you know if this is enough or if you want something with more emotional depth. For what it's worth after a few years I decided I did want more (if I'm honest it was easy to kind of kid myself we were in a relationship which wasn't exactly healthy for me) so for my own peace of mind we took a step back. Five years on, I'm married with two kids and he's co-habiting with a new girlfriend who he was utterly smitten with from the first moment he saw her. That's no reflection on either of us as people, just we didn't work that way. Could it be the same for you?

Good luck either way - it sounds like you have a decision to make.

Monkeyface26 · 02/02/2017 15:10

I've done this - for 4 years, rather than 6.
There is no value in a proposal which you have had to wring out of him. Within 4 months of my final split with commitmentphobic ex, I started dating my now DH. And, funnily enough, I felt sure he was The One on our 2nd date. I had spent so long trying to fix something that was nearly, but not quite, right that I could spot the real deal straight away. You're only 26 (same age I was when I broke up with commitmentphobe), you have plenty of time to find someone who is excited to spend their life with you. You deserve that. Enjoy the looking!

GiraffesAndButterflies · 02/02/2017 15:15

Be warned, though - he may offer something like a begrudged engagement "if it bothers you that much." That won't mean a thing; it'll just be to shut you up.

Yes and then you waste another six years being engaged, kidding yourself you've moved forward when you haven't.

It's not his love for you that's keeping him with you, it's his laziness and lack of backbone.

Good luck OP

ElspethFlashman · 02/02/2017 15:19

Be warned, though - he may offer something like a begrudged engagement "if it bothers you that much." That won't mean a thing; it'll just be to shut you up.

Oh God yes. Beware the hasty engagement ring with no wedding plans attached. It's basically a crap promise ring.

As in "I promise this is the only ring you're ever gonna get".

Surreyblah · 02/02/2017 15:23

Even if he did want to marry you, which he clearly doesn't, marrying someone unwilling or unable to discuss even the basic relationship stuff is not a good plan!

Don't waste any more time on this relationship.

DianaMitford · 02/02/2017 15:24

Seriously - walk away. Now. He doesn't value you at all. It sounds harsh but you're a stopgap. He probably doesn't realise it himself but after six years you need and deserve far more to be in a committed relationship with him.

OVienna · 02/02/2017 15:26

Oh gosh OP You're only 26. Plenty of time to meet someone else.

I have to say reading your comments, I am not convinced you're head over heels for him either. Are you? Or is it a 'sunk cost' syndrome with this guy.

Please do not put with relationship with another person where after six bloody years you've only met his family 'in passing.' I wonder who they think you are? Were you introduced as his girlfriend? I'm guessing there must be SOME reason why this isn't as strange as it sounds but take an objective, outsiders look at it: it's bad!

hotdrinkandaliedown · 02/02/2017 15:26

Sorry, OP. I agree with everyone else. You're nice and convenient and he's with you because it's easy.

I also think he'll make a (verbal) commitment if you end it. He'll say "we'll move in together by December," and December will come and go, and there'll be an excuse to do with finances/tenancy/whatever. And then it will be dropped.

I can't believe it's been six years and you've never spent Christmas together or met his parents! I got together with my (now) DH in November and he invited me to his family's home for Christmas that year.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 15:27

Oh something is not right here, it's not normal on the not meeting family or spending Xmas together etc at your age after this much time together.

He's not going to change, even if he does pretend otherwise, because fundamentally it's not what he wants. If it was he'd ask you. Invite you, talk to you, but he's not, so I think you should probably end it.

Original poster

mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 15:30

It's basically a friends with benefits situation from his side, a relationship from yours.

You just sound like friends who shag.

I think this is true. I've actually said the very same words to him, more than once. The answer is, what more do you want. I'm not going to propose to you.

OP posts:

SpaceDuck · 02/02/2017 15:37

Has he ever even told you he loves you?

Sorry OP, but it sounds like you're a lot more invested in this relationship than he is. I agree with PP who said it sounds like a FWB arrangement. Doesn't sound like you have any future.

It would be a deal breaker for me personally and I'd have LTB by now, can't believe you've stuck it out for 6 years!

Original poster

mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 15:38

I have to say reading your comments, I am not convinced you're head over heels for him either. Are you? Or is it a 'sunk cost' syndrome with this guy.

It always had a sneaking suspicion that it was just a nice, cozy, exclusive friends with benefits thing. Which I was ok with. I was only 20 when I met him and had just come out of a uni relationship that was all kinds of abusive.

But I've suddenly realised that 6 years have gone by, all my friends, colleagues, relatives who got together well after us have been having conversations, planning the future seriously, settling down, left right and centre.

Given his attitude over the last 6-9 months, I've cooled off. How could I not.

It's not exactly sunk cost, I have no regrets about the last 6 years, it was great. Up till now. I've just been suddenly blindsided by his refusal to commit. I always assumed that since we got on so well, we'd be on the same page, it was just a matter of bringing it up.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 02/02/2017 15:38

You can't really marry someone who isn't ready for all the talking and emotions.

Let him know marriage, future family etc is what you are looking for and therefore for you things aren't ok the way they are.

sarahnova69 · 02/02/2017 15:38

I think this is true. I've actually said the very same words to him, more than once. The answer is, what more do you want. I'm not going to propose to you.

So, basically, on top of not being that into you, he's an unpleasant twat. The very, very kindest interpretation of his behaviour is that he's majorly emotionally impaired and genuinely can't see the difference between friends who shag and life partners. Which spells disaster anyway.

What you want is NORMAL AND FINE. It's not OK for him to be putting this bullshit on you. And listen to me, please, OP. Let's say he suddenly woke up tomorrow and announced that he'd had a change of heart and wanted to get engaged/move in/try for a baby. (He won't, but that's not the point of this thought experiment.) Where does that leave you? Tied to a man who refuses to discuss the important stuff, who belittles, stonewalls, gaslights, and insults you. Marriage and a family with him looks like a lifetime of being undermined, shat on, and emotionally abused.

He's not the one. Get out.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 15:39

I think this is true. I've actually said the very same words to him, more than once. The answer is, what more do you want. I'm not going to propose to you.

Original poster

mooncuppy · 02/02/2017 15:40

It sounds like the same situation, word for word. I'm glad that things worked out so well for you.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 02/02/2017 15:45

He's not going to move things on, as he's happy & has everything he wants & needs. The bit about the family is odd. Marriage isn't for everyone & if his idea of marriage differes to yours, it may be time to accept he isn't right for you. He's not going to end it though, why would he? Not ending things for one of you, is going to mean one of you compromising principles & that would bother me more.
Have you ever asked him btw?

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