Another "he won't marry me thread" - apologies in advance!

[mooncuppy]

Been with P for 6 years. We are now 26/29 years old. Generally happy, lots of common interests, enjoy each other's company. We don't live together.

He has always been very very adverse to discussing things like feelings and emotions, or basically anything relationship related.

If one were to observe us closely, we'd seem like a caring but rather casual couple. We spend a lot of time together and stick up for each other, but we have never had a conversation which is not directly about food, work, books, movies, museums, science, youtube videos, general gossip, current affairs, planning the day etc.

It's never bothered me much in the past, I was wrapped up in finishing my degree, focussing on early career and things. But in the past year or so, it has suddenly started to hit me that we have never discussed things like commitment to one another or the possibility of any kind of future together. I have tried to gauge his thoughts on this, but any mention of things like meeting family, moving in together, maybe getting engaged (in the future one day) gets his back right up and he becomes really defensive and dismissive, and it always escalates into an argument.

His general response to anything I bring up is generally of the ilk: "it's too too soon", "we haven't been together long enough", "we're too young", "I'm not ready", "I'm not sure", "I've never thought about it", "I will think about it (and never bring it up again)", "I don't want to think about it", "I like things the way they are, why can't you do the same" "you're too old fashioned" and "you're too demanding".

He can be quite convincing in making out that I'm the one living in some kind of fairytale world full of patriarchy, wanting a happy ever after with prince charming.

I've enjoyed his company for the past few years, but is it really that unusual to expect more? Is normal for him to want to just carry on the way we are forever, never offering any kind of commitment? Or have I got it all wrong, and this is what a committed relationship is meant to look like?

You sound lovely. Him,not so much - what with the gaslighting and commitment phobia. Oh, and the lying.

I am worried that if you don't get out now, you will waste another 6 years and then be left saying you really have left it too late.

Get out and crack on with someone who appreciates you. This jerk doesn't.

Start making some plans for life without him, OP. Do you fancy doing something like travelling or moving to a new area to live? It would be good to have a change of scene.

Start making some plans for life without him, OP. Do you fancy doing something like travelling or moving to a new area to live?

I'll be starting a new job in the summer, and there's a big chance I might get posted in Scotland. I was dreading the distance earlier, but now I think it would be a welcome change, and chance to start again.

I already do quite a lot of travelling with friends or alone, I've always insisted on leading my own life, I'm not terribly clingy. I'm quite a career focussed person, so I've tended to put that first, while making room for other things in my life.

He hasn't told you he loves in 6 years!!!!!!!

That's because he doesn't love you.

He sounds horrible, I hope you don't waste any more time or energy or love on him.

He will waste years of your life without giving a flying fuck... he's already doing it.

I think you need to actively tell him to sling his hook and that you are no longer together even if you text him then block him. Just for closure for you. None of this 'oh he probably won't contact me' and'I might be moving to Scotland'. You dont want to be with him. He's wasting your time and the relationship is going nowhere.

Wow, so not only a total commitment phobe he's also a liar and a gas lighter. You're going to have a lucky escape

Possum and all other PP are spot on. Especially wannadance

OP please please leave him. I'm gobsmacked that he's never said he loves you and that you don't know his family apart from fleeting moments. After SIX years!!

You sound lovely and deserve so much more than this twat. You can't meet Mr Right with Mr Very Wrong blocking the way! Get running lady!

You have lots to offer and can do better. Tell yourself this is what you won't accept with future partners.

Sounds like to him the relationship was comfortable & convenient. That's why he's been going along rather than ending it. If someone cares about you they show you & tell you!

Ooo yes move to Scotland!

Six years without love. He hasn't said it, and he hasn't shown it. You deserve more!

You sound stronger already op x

Hope you find the right man x

I know it's unfamiliar/scary/uncertain etc but I am very, very confident that in a few years you will look back and think "thank goodness i binned that guy"

26 isn't too young for anything, when you meet the right person it will be easy 🙂

just bear in mind that the MN hive is calling EVERYTHING gaslighting at the moment....

i think this is just an unfortunate situation of a complacent man and a more capable and dynamic woman who needs more. learn your lessons, leave with dignity and enjoy what comes next 🙂

I don't think it needs to be given a name tbh. The fact here is that the OP and this man haven't spoken since they had the argument at the weekend. It doesn't need analysing beyond that really, the relationship has run its course, and letting go from here is actually the easiest part.

If he gets in touch I would just say "oh, I figured we were over after the argument so I've been out dating." And then move on.

They've never actually had a defined relationship, they've been out on dates, but he's never said he loves her, never included her with his family etc. So it doesn't need to officially end either. IMO.

OP, this is kindly meant, but what the hell are you putting up with this for. It's ALL on his terms, this 3 years timeline bollocks for instance - this is some magical number he's plucked out of his arse to put you off hoping you'll continue to be mug enough to fall in with his convenient lifestyle.

That's what you are to him, convenient. You deserve so much better. I have been with my partner for a little over six years. We got married two years ago and I'm currently pregnant with or first baby. In that time we've spent christmasss and other hols with each others families, supported each other through severe parental illness together and bought our own place.

I'm not saying this life is for everyone, but I'm saying 6 years is too short??? Give me a break. He doesn't even have the balls to let you go.

Get out and start your life. You'll find someone who wants you and loves you. Don't waste your time on this loser.

Or have I got it all wrong, and this is what a committed relationship is meant to look like?

This isn't a committed relationship. And it definitely isn't what one is supposed to look like.

6 years is too soon?

I'm laughing out loud

If he still needs another three years to 'think about it ', after six years together, he knows he's just stringing you along. He obviously has just what he wants - company, a companion and bed buddy when it suits him without any of the ties or responsibilities that are part of a genuine, committed and loving partnership. Why would he want to commit ? I'd walk. Give yourself the chance and the time to meet someone who shares your hopes for the future, without getting into a relationship out of desperation because you are frightened that time is 'running out'.

Good luck.

he terrified of being alone

he doesn't like you that much, however he is absolutely terrified of being alone
if you want to stay with him, up to you

Please move on. I'm having the same conversation with a colleague whose been with her bf for 8 yrs and bit still living apart.

I don't know why you'd want to marry him, given he's told you he won't propose and he's never said he loves you.

He's not introduced you to his family after six years! Unless they lived on the other side of the world, there's no excuse for that, but he doesn't see you as permanent, so he doesn't want you getting close to them and vice versa.

I bet you can do way better than him. Just a simple "we're not on the same page" is enough to part company.

6 years is mad not to have met the parents! Poor you :(

If you really want a family life it's obviously not going to be with him, you will need to move on. X

Just don't phone him back. Ever.

10 years from now, when you have a lovely husband and you've just got tipsy off half a glass of wine as you've just had baby no 3 and your alcohol tolerance is shot to hell, you can give him a ring and let him know that you think perhaps it isn't working.

tell him that he right, you were conditioned by old fashioned patriarchal ideas about relationship and from now on you are converting to relationship anarchy and non-ethical monogamy and you will start looking for a poly primary partner

let me know what he replies pls

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