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Original poster

Would you ever date someone who has no contact with his child?

267 replies

Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:14

I have NCed for this and it is quite outing so I will be vague, but I will try and answer questions as best I can.

The relationship between him and his ex broke down very early in the pregnancy (before the first scan) as he lost his job and she asked him to leave. He was not allowed to the scans and has not seen the child since he was a baby (now almost 3). A mediation appointment was set up which she did not attend. She did not put him on the birth certificate, which I understand further complicates things. She then moved but did not tell him where to. He paid maintenance and then stopped it so she would have to pursue him through CSA (or whatever they are called now) and he could insist on a DNA test and get put on the birth certificate. She has never done this because she knows what would happen and she does not want him to have parental rights. He has sort legal advice but cannot afford the thousands in legal fees it will take to get a court ordered DNA test, get on the birth certificate and then sort out contact, and he would probably have to know where they are first. He is saving to do this, but feels it is a long way off and hopes the mother has a change of heart or that the child expresses a wish to see him. I don't know, but if I were a child and my father were not around I would feel extremely hurt and perhaps not want to see him.

They do not have contact as she will not let him have her phone number. She will sometimes unblock him on social media to berate him for not paying maintenance, and then block him again. I was initially very dubious about everything to be honest, but the subject has come up around his family members, not discussed in depth or anything and I didn't ask any questions about it, but I have heard bits and pieces that seem to verify his version of events.

It is a very new relationship, but I feel everyone has "baggage", for want of a better word (I know I do!) and I don't really feel like I want to run for the hills just yet (which I feel some posters may tell me to do as it's a lot to take in in a new relationship) as it is otherwise going extremely well, and if people were to write people off in the beginning for having struggles, well, I don't think anyone would be dating me!

I think the reason I am posting is because I feel like if it were my child I would be fighting tooth and nail, even if it meant borrowing, getting into debt, hiring a PI to find them, etc., etc. Is this ever not the case? Why wouldn't it be the case?

OP posts:
Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 15:35

Adora I have to say that he has not spoken about her in a hostile way. He gives his version of events but there isn't any bile in the way he talks about her, really, and he feels she is a good mother. He does do the thing with birthday presents. Not sure about the money, as I mentioned up thread.

OP posts:
PaterPower · 02/02/2017 15:41

"Misandry" is not a thing. Women are oppressed. Men are not.

The poor and those without power are oppressed. The wealthy are not. Whether they're Male, Female or Transgender.

lubeybooby · 02/02/2017 15:42

no, he's not trying hard enough - sorry but if this was me and my dd witheld from me I'd be doing whatever it took. Work all the hours god sends, get a private investigator, anything. All I see on this thread are childish excuses

ShinyBauble · 02/02/2017 15:43

Is he completely broke? That's the only excuse I could accept. Otherwise he's lazy and he's missing out on having a relationship with his child because he can't be bothered to go to the necessary effort. He should not have stopped paying maintenance, he should have got legal advice. I just can't imagine having so little interest in my own child...

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 15:47

Op, I provided the link earlier where he can fill in the form and request he is declared parent, the court can decide if a DNA test is required or if they will just declare it, its four hundred quid and took thirty seconds to Google and the uk government provide the info. It's not hard.

I'm also unsure how he can say she's a good parent if they have no contact and no idea what type of mother she is, and why he is not speaking about her in a hostile manner when apparently she's behaving like the mother from hell.🙄

What does he do with the birthday presents, save them? Have you seen them?

Adora10 · 02/02/2017 15:49

Adora I have to say that he has not spoken about her in a hostile way. He gives his version of events but there isn't any bile in the way he talks about her, really, and he feels she is a good mother. He does do the thing with birthday presents. Not sure about the money, as I mentioned up thread.

He has put the fact he does not see his child firmly at his ex's door whereas I'd wonder why any woman would deny their child access to their father, without GOOD reason so sorry I'm not buying it.

I also suspect he has no letters written or money saved up, I also wonder if he's even written a Xmas card tbh.

What thing have you seen OP by way of him showing you how much he adores his child?

stealmyhappiness · 02/02/2017 15:50

no and i struggle to understand why anyone would too. my ex hasnt seen (or asked about) his children for nearly two months, access is sporadic when he chooses (i have never said no and will always be accommodating with him) he got a girlfriend mid december so i can only wonder if that is the reason he has stopped seeing his kids but she has a child so should surely understand why kids should see their fathers.

he has always seen them every couple of weeks for a few hours so never been a hands on dad but we were together for 10 years of their life and i dont understand why he doesnt even ask to see them now. i used to encourage it but the children dont want to see him so i just wait for him to ask.

karmassidekick · 02/02/2017 15:54

Ok she didn't turn up to mediation. He can go to mediation on his own for court purposes, surely that would work in his favour when he's saved 30 grand and actually takes her to court. Hmm

donners312 · 02/02/2017 16:03

My ex could show you piles of letters insisting on seeing the children, requests for mediation etc etc.

What it won't show is all the times you agree and they don't turn up or repeatedly change the plans.

The times you have tried to sort things out for the children, and have now given up listening to their pathological lies that you see no point in 'paying' (by way of mediation) to sit and listen to them.

or as has been suggested by many posters that there is a reason she definitely doesn't want to be found by him

etc etc

Iflyaway · 02/02/2017 16:07

Haven't read the whole thread.

But like another thread on here people love to jump to conclusions without knowing the facts.

I'd also suspect there is more to this, for her to cut contact and want him to have no details of where they lived or even phone numbers I'd suspect he was very abusive and she's done it for her and the child's safety. His family would probably not know that or mention it.

There are women who use men as a sperm bank and as soon as she's hit bingo, have no more use for him.

I know of one guy who's gutted this happened to him denying him any relationship with his child. His only hope is that she will try and seek him out when she's a teenager/adult. As often happens. Because you want to know your roots. Especially when you have kids yourself.

You just can't go around accusing men of abuse when you have absolutely no proof.

Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 16:07

He seems to be able to separate how he feels about her as an ex and how he feels she is as a mother, but I agree he can't know what kind of mother she is. Yes, I have seen the cards/gifts. One thing came back as not at this address and so is dated as it's still wrapped up. Thank you for the link Bluntness. I will show him that.

OP posts:
Offred · 02/02/2017 16:08

Well there is obviously a reason why things are the way they are. One of them is clearly a twat. Who knows which one or why? Why would you want to get involved?

EweAreHere · 02/02/2017 16:09

Under the circumstances you describe, I wouldn't hold it against him.

It would be a case by case basis, and the bar would be very high for reasons they didn't see their children. If you are sure your OH is being honest, I think he would meet the standard. This sounds entirely like the exGF didn't want to coparent; just wanted his money. I wouldn't expect an exboyfriend to pay maintenance for a child that he didn't know was his (no DNA, no birth certificate) and didn't know where the child was (unless there were abuse issues, which do not appear to be the case here).

What else is he supposed to do? Not everyone can save/afford the fees that would be necessary to fight something like this.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 16:11

There are women who use men as a sperm bank and as soon as she's hit bingo, have no more use for him.

Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 16:12

I think that puts it very succinctly Offred, and I want to be involved with him because there are no issues whatsoever apart from this, not that this is a small issue. I really like him. We get on well. He makes me laugh. Not always easy things to find, but then again I'm sure we've all had that and then found them to be a twat later.

OP posts:
Userone1 · 02/02/2017 16:14

surely early days of a relationship should be spent having fun, getting to know each other. Not analylising past relationships, doubting and questioning what he tells you.

OneWithTheForce · 02/02/2017 16:19

I think instinct is a great indicator and something has got you questioning this guy enough that you have posted here asking people to talk you out of this relationship. (Yes I know you haven't actually asked that but I think that's your intention with this thread). No-one here knows him or what his truth is. You can only go on your gut.

conserveisposhforjam · 02/02/2017 16:20

The poor and those without power are oppressed. The wealthy are not. Whether they're Male, Female or Transgender

Well yeah. And women are oppressed too. It's not an either/or situation. I'm a white middle class woman and I will occasionally have relative privilege over a white working class man (in some, but far from all, situations - the penis being really really important in many situations). But a white middle class man will always have privilege over me because men are privileged. And white people are privileged so I will also have greater power conferred on me by society than a black middle class woman.

HTH.

Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 16:20

For the last time I am not really doubting what he has told me! I am considering how I feel about it. And we do have fun and are getting to know each other. Part of that might throw up the odd thing you feel unsure about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 16:23

OneWithTheForce my instinct is the exact opposite of that. I think what I really wanted to hear is that sometimes things are this way. And I have heard that. And the opposing view point. And I will consider both and find out more. Thanks all.

OP posts:
karmassidekick · 02/02/2017 16:26

So how do you feel about it? Leaving aside the contact for a moment how do you feel about a man that doesn't pay anything towards the costs of raising his child?

Adora10 · 02/02/2017 16:33

You must be doubting it OP or you'd not have posted.

All you can do is go with the flow and see what happens; you will never get the FULL story because there's two different ones to this so go on how he treats you, speaks about his child, what he plans to do to make contact, you will soon find out for sure if he's actually interested or just one of those dead beat men who simply walk away.

Lunar1 · 02/02/2017 16:37

If what he is saying is true, at the very least there will be a bank account where you would be able to see every penny of the maintenance owed to his ex transferred in monthly.

If I could see that then it would indicate he is being honest. If not then I'd walk away now.

Userone1 · 02/02/2017 16:39

'I'm not really doubting' does not make sense, you are doubting that you are doubting!!

OneWithTheForce · 02/02/2017 16:44

TBH I don't buy that. Your title might as well read "give me reasons not to continue this relationship please" that's what you posted for. You can't seriously have expected people to say "yes of course, go for it, he sounds fab". You know what kind of responses you would get based on what you posted about him. You were asking people to be straight with you.

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