Would you ever date someone who has no contact with his child?

[Baldricksslug]

I have NCed for this and it is quite outing so I will be vague, but I will try and answer questions as best I can.

The relationship between him and his ex broke down very early in the pregnancy (before the first scan) as he lost his job and she asked him to leave. He was not allowed to the scans and has not seen the child since he was a baby (now almost 3). A mediation appointment was set up which she did not attend. She did not put him on the birth certificate, which I understand further complicates things. She then moved but did not tell him where to. He paid maintenance and then stopped it so she would have to pursue him through CSA (or whatever they are called now) and he could insist on a DNA test and get put on the birth certificate. She has never done this because she knows what would happen and she does not want him to have parental rights. He has sort legal advice but cannot afford the thousands in legal fees it will take to get a court ordered DNA test, get on the birth certificate and then sort out contact, and he would probably have to know where they are first. He is saving to do this, but feels it is a long way off and hopes the mother has a change of heart or that the child expresses a wish to see him. I don't know, but if I were a child and my father were not around I would feel extremely hurt and perhaps not want to see him.

They do not have contact as she will not let him have her phone number. She will sometimes unblock him on social media to berate him for not paying maintenance, and then block him again. I was initially very dubious about everything to be honest, but the subject has come up around his family members, not discussed in depth or anything and I didn't ask any questions about it, but I have heard bits and pieces that seem to verify his version of events.

It is a very new relationship, but I feel everyone has "baggage", for want of a better word (I know I do!) and I don't really feel like I want to run for the hills just yet (which I feel some posters may tell me to do as it's a lot to take in in a new relationship) as it is otherwise going extremely well, and if people were to write people off in the beginning for having struggles, well, I don't think anyone would be dating me!

I think the reason I am posting is because I feel like if it were my child I would be fighting tooth and nail, even if it meant borrowing, getting into debt, hiring a PI to find them, etc., etc. Is this ever not the case? Why wouldn't it be the case?

Some women will make it as difficult as possible. Some men don't make any effort at all.

It seems the OP's BF is one of the men who don't make any effort, hence the thread.

Personally I think he's trying to look like a good guy when in reality he doesn't give a shit.

I know I sound harsh but I knew a girl who's bf was a compulsive liar.....told her his dad died, said the tattoos on his body were of his cousins kids, said a lot of shit.....it took me all of 1 day to find his dad was in fact alive, found his mum and dads address & also found he had a wife and 2 children back in his home town!
It's impossible to completely disappear unless you physically live like you are in the 1800's, fact is, your bf could find her.

Also! A guy I know was with a girl, she fell pregnant....after the child was born, they split & she told him he wasn't the dad....he wasn't, however, he'd built a bond with her & didn't care she wasn't his by DNA....the mum did nothing but stop him seeing her, he now has full custody of the child, she's not even his!

So when a man tells you "I don't see my kids because", you run & you run far!!

Honestly, my ex spouted a lot of shit about his ex gf.....I believed she was batshit crazy....until I learned everything he'd told me was absolute shite

Trust me, you don't know this guy....walk away

I would be very wary if i were you, I wouldnt personally date someone who didnt see his kid, I dont really see an excuse for it, I would fight tooth and nail for my kids.

My ex left me with two kids painted me as the evil ex who wouldnt let him have contact, Who was horrible to him and basically evil, which was absolute rubbish. His parents supported his side of events fully as they disliked me anyway and refused to see their grandchildren. A couple of years ago he married someone else and had two kids with her very quickly and she called me all the names under the sun after him receiving some paper work to pay maintenance which he doesnt ever pay may I add.
They both sent me abusive messages until recently she messaged me as she was so down with how he was treating her and their kids. She was so upset as she had now realised what he is like and that I am not the evil ex after all and now feels she is stuck with him.
Dont let that person be you. His family and friends may agree with him, They only see his side.

I'd be extremely wary. My ExH told me a very similar story about his previous partner and I believed him. when we divorced he didn't pay a penny in maintainance, dodged the CSA at every turn and had irregular contact with his DS for a few years before vanishing off the face of the earth. I heard that his third son by his next wife didn't fare much better either

No

Personally I'd not believe a word of it and would constantly wonder why so wouldn't be for me
Sorry I've not rtft
If anyone is near Warrington and with my ex his son is newely 22 and not seen him since birth. I'm no mad ex and was always kind and fair and reasonable
He just didn't want to know . And denied he's his which he knew he was but didn't want to pay for the DNA test
Have enjoyed taking the csa money though for him

Not sure what you mean notanotherposter

Most have an ex story to tell, you will never get to the bottom of it.

The only fact you know to be true is that he does not pay maintenance and there is no excuse for this. Even If i could never see my kid again, I would take some comfort knowing I had provided money for him to be kept warm, fed and clothed and a roof over his head.

Is she Polish?

I was initially on the side of give him a chance, as I have a close friend who is in the same situation - his exGF got rid of him during the pregnancy, moved away and cut off all contact. She's since said (via friends) that he was just a sperm donor; she had no interest in a relationship with him.

Then I realised that he pays maintenance and almost all of the rest of his money and time goes on court costs, lawyers meetings and his driving across the country to a court mandated contact centre that he knows she won't turn up to, to try to get access to his son, whom he's never seen.

I'd tread carefully here - judge him on his own merits, but also do research to see what other men do to see their kids

my ex was in a similar situation, I trusted him and helped him pay his legal fees, he now has a relationship with his dd and is a wonderful father. Her mother is quite frankly a horrible person.

Hi, OP. I know that you said that your bf hasn't met your dc yet...but just look forward to how that dynamic might play out. If he is lying to you, then expect him to treat your dc with comtempt. For example, he may have a boundary that not a cent of his money will go towards anything for your child, ever. (Not that you are looking for that, but how would you feel if he took you all out and he will pay for your meal but not your dc's?)

On the other hand, if he is telling you the truth, what would the eventual effect on your dc be? Here is a grown man pining away for an unknown (to your dc) child...which may consume him to the point of your dc feeling invisible to him. Will your dc try to fill the viod (they can be so empathetic and sympathetic)? That could not be an emotionally healthy dynamic.

What if he were to engulf your dc with enthusiastic parenting, but was treating you with contempt? Would you be able to break it off-fulfilling whatever bleak descriptive prophecy he has towards mothers?

My first instinct towards your post, since you are just 5 months in, is that he is using the "poor me" manipulative strategy to reel you in. Do you have a tendency to want to rescue people/fix things?

A previous poster said this isn't baggage, it's cargo. Imho, it is a whole freight train on a siding to nothing. If you are presently enjoying a good time with him, fine. But I seriously would not consider this relationship as having long term prospects.

Not a chance my ex hasn't seen his kids in nearly a year! To all his family and friends I am the most evil woman in the world!! I stop him seeing the kids and everything..... when actually he has refused mediation, refused to come see his daughter the day she was born, refused to be there for emergency care when I was taken to hospital because he was going out for dinner!
I would love to have a chat with the ow to see what he has said about me! I would be very wary!

My ex told his family similar; I had moved away, not given my address, wouldn't let him see the children, blah, blah. All totally untrue, but they bought into it. Your DP should go onto the CSA website, see what he should be paying, and pay it (presumably has her bank details as he was paying maintenance before). To use the excuse that he isn't paying anything because he wants to go through the CSA is absolute rubbish, and just sounds just like an excuse not to pay.

My ex hasn't seen his child in over a decade refuses to work he was eligible for legal aid (prior to the changes five years ago) I didn't change my number or move house for 7 1/2 years it's still my fault him and his wife blame me there kids are told they have a sister they can't see because her mom is not nice don't get me started on csa payments there of the opinion that because I moved on 6 years after he left he should pay nothing ever again

All I'll say is that at a stage in my life when after paying childcare, mortgage and commuting costs I was left with less to spend on food/clothing/utilities etc than someone on benefits, I still managed to pay £10 a month for an insurance policy for my DC if I died that paid them £20,000 a year, and also paid the £250 costs to go to court where I self represented.

I would approach with caution but don't make judgements either way until you know facts. A pp was correct one of them is a twat and you should find out which one!
I would not advise contacting the ex - she could literally tell you anything and how will you know if it is true or not ?! Same goes for him I suppose
All I will say is I don't necessarily agree that he must have done something to make her be this way - I've sadly learned that some people in this world are genuinely a bit evil and it's not out of the realms of possibility that she's doing this to punish him.
I will also say that some people are a bit crap and perhaps not that intelligent when it comes to "sorting things out" so perhaps he just doesn't know or have the confidence to act.
One way to solve it one way or another is to work with him to contact her, get DNA, work out how to apply for access, All the things he needs to do. If he's resistant or reluctant that would speak volumes
Good luck !