Would you ever date someone who has no contact with his child?

[Baldricksslug]

I have NCed for this and it is quite outing so I will be vague, but I will try and answer questions as best I can.

The relationship between him and his ex broke down very early in the pregnancy (before the first scan) as he lost his job and she asked him to leave. He was not allowed to the scans and has not seen the child since he was a baby (now almost 3). A mediation appointment was set up which she did not attend. She did not put him on the birth certificate, which I understand further complicates things. She then moved but did not tell him where to. He paid maintenance and then stopped it so she would have to pursue him through CSA (or whatever they are called now) and he could insist on a DNA test and get put on the birth certificate. She has never done this because she knows what would happen and she does not want him to have parental rights. He has sort legal advice but cannot afford the thousands in legal fees it will take to get a court ordered DNA test, get on the birth certificate and then sort out contact, and he would probably have to know where they are first. He is saving to do this, but feels it is a long way off and hopes the mother has a change of heart or that the child expresses a wish to see him. I don't know, but if I were a child and my father were not around I would feel extremely hurt and perhaps not want to see him.

They do not have contact as she will not let him have her phone number. She will sometimes unblock him on social media to berate him for not paying maintenance, and then block him again. I was initially very dubious about everything to be honest, but the subject has come up around his family members, not discussed in depth or anything and I didn't ask any questions about it, but I have heard bits and pieces that seem to verify his version of events.

It is a very new relationship, but I feel everyone has "baggage", for want of a better word (I know I do!) and I don't really feel like I want to run for the hills just yet (which I feel some posters may tell me to do as it's a lot to take in in a new relationship) as it is otherwise going extremely well, and if people were to write people off in the beginning for having struggles, well, I don't think anyone would be dating me!

I think the reason I am posting is because I feel like if it were my child I would be fighting tooth and nail, even if it meant borrowing, getting into debt, hiring a PI to find them, etc., etc. Is this ever not the case? Why wouldn't it be the case?

She hasn't had any opportunities to not turn up.
What if she denies paternity what if she doesn't turn up what if what if.. what if he pulled his finger out, gets her address and submits an order for £400. Then he could say he tried.
The merry go round hasn't even started yet. This child is 3 if he had started proceedings he might be at the supervised visit stage by now.

Then go to court and tell a judge ex had to get csa involved as he refused to pay and denied being the father.....but anyhow can I please have parental rights!

PaterPower Are you saying there is not point to even start the ball rolling ? Cause that is what is relevant to OP right now

He is not denying being the father! And she didn't turn up to mediation, so there is form for not turning up.

That's it InTheMood. I feel like surely he could be doing something.

I would advise anyone who is saying my nephew/cousin/daughter/best friend etc did X,Y and Z to exercise caution. As I'm sure you know yourselves that really only the people involved in the situation know the truth. My Ex MIL was appalled to discover the truth that her son had kept from her regarding his contact with our sons. She had previously been very angry with me for what he had told her I had done but she has since apologised to me saying she now knows that she was being lied to. And she still doesn't know a huge amount. He is still lying to her. I would love to hear even half of what he has told other people about me. Some of it has got back to me over the years.

Excuses excuses. He's done fuck all to seek to support and have a relationship with his DC and blames his ex. Pathetic.

If he is not denying being the father, what on earth makes him think that CSA will demand a DNA test!?

If neither parent are denying paternity why was dna mentioned at all. If she denies paternity at court they will order a test.
What has dna got to do with him not paying for his child if he knows he's the father?

I understand what the op is saying, she wants to know this guy tried.

Basically the only absolute facts are he has not seen the child and has stopped paying maintenance. The fact his family verify his version of events is to be expected and irrelevant in the extreme.

Why?

Because it's very likely he lied about the getting legal advice because absOlutely he would have known for four hundred quid he could have got the ball rolling and been declared the father or had a DNA test done. Finding where she lives isn't difficult, but he knew exactly where that was the first year. He had her address and phone number. It does not cost thousands in court fees for what he wants. He has lied to the op.

He is also likely lying about wanting the child to know he tried his best, because he seems to have done absolutely nothing.

He's also likely lying about why he's stopped paying maintenance, his reason is to force a DNA test via the csa, and that links back to his first lie, he would have known the steps to take to get either declared parent or get a DNA test if he'd even googled it, never mind seen a solicitor. No solicitor would have told him would cost him thousands in court fees.

Then there is the cause for concern. What would cause a woman to block a fathers access to both her and the child to such an extent she will not risk him finding out even her phone number and avoid csa to ensure he can't? What causes a break down in a relationship to this level? Where you effectively go into hiding?

Why was he paying maintenance if he wanted a DNA test and wasn't sure if it was his kid in the first place?

Then the questions...Why did he have to rely on family to transport him to see the child in the first year? Why could he not use public transport? If he knew there was bad blood between the mother and his family why did he have to take them to see the mother and child, why not hop a bus or train?

When you look at it, you'd have to say this guy is lying to the op, so what else is he lying about and whys he doing it? To embarrassed to admit he's a deadbeat non paying father, or because of something worse he doesn't want her to know about? Abusive and a dead beat non paying father?

I meant parents are not going to encourage their child to spend time with an abusive person

They do.

You can be as dismissive as you want but it happens every day.

Ok. I really don't like this sort of petty nitpicking that people do, taking one part of a post completely out of context. Most NORMAL parents don't encourage their child to have contact with an abusive person. Is that better?

I thought it worked like this

Ex goes to CSA, they tell him to pay, regardless. Only way CSA would ask for DNA evidence is IF he says he is not the father.

That is how it works user. My ex is not on his daughters certificate. Not because she went and got it done without him like he told me but because he didn't turn up to the appointment. He has to pay regardless. If he had denied paternity he would have to pay for dna and then pay.
The guys a deadbeat op and deep down you know that.

My understanding was that parentage would need to be proved to get parental responsibility. When I registered my child they said that it is binding to be on there, but he's not on his child's birth certificate. So doesn't he have to get on there, or wouldn't it be easier once he was? And that would require a DNA test?

Only If either of them deny the paternity.
Courts give parental rights not the csa. So why did he stop paying for a child he knows is his?

My experience is similar to paters. If my son was in this position I would not encourage him to go down this route. These orders are useless. They are not enforced in any way at all.

Parentage might have to proved, if his ex is denying he is the father

I'm horrified at the extent of the misandry on this thread. If a group of men were making these assumptions about a woman, on very little evidence, there would be an uproar.

OP, maybe it's time to step back from your original post and think about this more widely. How do you feel about him apart from this issue with the no contact? Do you like him, do you want the relationship to progress? What sort of a man does he seem to you (because in the end that's all we can or do ever make a decision on in going into a new relationship)?

Your OP mentions many things the mother has done, some that he's done and some things that he hasn't. Have you sat down with him and asked him to tell you all that he's done in this? And why he hasn't made any move to start yet? Where is he getting his advice from that he can't do anything until he's got £1,000's to pay for it?

There are so may questions in this scenario that strangers on the internet can't answer, and the speculation isn't helping.

The only people who can really answer the questions are you and DP - so talk to him.

Bluntness just to address a couple of points. As far as I know, there is no bad blood as such between his ex and the grandparents. She just didn't want them to see the child. There wasn't an incident that led to this as far as I know. He would have gone on public transport, and had done, but she would not turn up at places they had arranged to meet (sorry, I probably should have mentioned that before). He has never ever tried to deny the child is his, or been unsure if it was his. Some of the rest of what you say is food for thought.

He stopped paying maintenance in this costly and elaborate plan, stop paying, so ex has to go csa, csa do DNA, he gets on certificate, then takes her to court for access!

Why not just go to court for access!

Thank you Devil. That's what I will do.

His story of what happened is all very convenient and shines him in a brighter light than the ex, she's the devil reincarnated.

Ask him OP what he has for his child, has he written letters, birthday cards, xmas chards that he keeps for the future? Does he put the maintenance money he no longer pays into a trust for his child?

The mere fact you are posting on here indicates he's done very little apart from slag off the ex and invent one obstacle after another.

I'm horrified at the extent of the misandry on this thread. If a group of men were making these assumptions about a woman, on very little evidence, there would be an uproar.

Statistically men are more likely to be abusive. It is not an unreasonable assumption to make at all.

"Misandry" is not a thing. Women are oppressed. Men are not.

Do you see the flaw in his plan?

Ex contacts CSA. He has to deny being the father to get DNA when CSA contact him.

Then when he goes to court for access in his plan, by then he has stopped paying maintenance and denied being the father.

OP we all have our opinions and we can share our personal experience with you but ultimately you have to decide. That you're asking so many follow up questions probably gives you your answer - he's not quite right for you. In which case disinvest and find someone who is.

If you do decide to pursue it, but still want to scratch this itch, ask to see evidence of what he's done. Any free consultations with solicitors where he took notes? Any correspondence with mediators to show appointments were made and he attended?

I was obsessive with notes, correspondence and so on. I still have the folders from Court with all her statements (BS, evasions and outright lies included) and all the solicitors letters she had sent when she was trying to bully me into accepting what the court ended up giving her anyway. I still have all the letters from the mediator, letters from Relate etc.

I would expect your partner to have similar (minus the Court stuff, obviously).