Would you ever date someone who has no contact with his child?

[Baldricksslug]

I have NCed for this and it is quite outing so I will be vague, but I will try and answer questions as best I can.

The relationship between him and his ex broke down very early in the pregnancy (before the first scan) as he lost his job and she asked him to leave. He was not allowed to the scans and has not seen the child since he was a baby (now almost 3). A mediation appointment was set up which she did not attend. She did not put him on the birth certificate, which I understand further complicates things. She then moved but did not tell him where to. He paid maintenance and then stopped it so she would have to pursue him through CSA (or whatever they are called now) and he could insist on a DNA test and get put on the birth certificate. She has never done this because she knows what would happen and she does not want him to have parental rights. He has sort legal advice but cannot afford the thousands in legal fees it will take to get a court ordered DNA test, get on the birth certificate and then sort out contact, and he would probably have to know where they are first. He is saving to do this, but feels it is a long way off and hopes the mother has a change of heart or that the child expresses a wish to see him. I don't know, but if I were a child and my father were not around I would feel extremely hurt and perhaps not want to see him.

They do not have contact as she will not let him have her phone number. She will sometimes unblock him on social media to berate him for not paying maintenance, and then block him again. I was initially very dubious about everything to be honest, but the subject has come up around his family members, not discussed in depth or anything and I didn't ask any questions about it, but I have heard bits and pieces that seem to verify his version of events.

It is a very new relationship, but I feel everyone has "baggage", for want of a better word (I know I do!) and I don't really feel like I want to run for the hills just yet (which I feel some posters may tell me to do as it's a lot to take in in a new relationship) as it is otherwise going extremely well, and if people were to write people off in the beginning for having struggles, well, I don't think anyone would be dating me!

I think the reason I am posting is because I feel like if it were my child I would be fighting tooth and nail, even if it meant borrowing, getting into debt, hiring a PI to find them, etc., etc. Is this ever not the case? Why wouldn't it be the case?

Completely agree with you Deranger01

I have been involved with someone who didn't see his little girl. Of course the mother was a bitter twisted controlling bitch who was stopping him from seeing the child. It never added up to me and I spent a long time ignoring my gut instinct. It's my biggest regret in life and I wish I had contacted his ex and listened to myself.
I still feel shame that I got involved with him at all.
His family supported him, loved him and bolstered his image as the good guy, like he'd done nothing wrong. He is very very wrong and abandoning his child is only one example of his frankly disgusting behaviour over the years. They still stick by him though.

But this is kind of what I meant...

No-one knows what went on. What you do know is that you are forensically investigating the past of a man you are seeing and at best you will have to support him through his baggage re a crazy ex and a lost child. At worst there may be good reasons why his ex has run away.

I wouldn't want to get involved with forensically investigating or TBH with either of the other scenarios.

Also even if a NRP does take it to court that also is no proof that they are a good parent?

my ex says he's taking me to court - has he shown any care for his children, any love for his children, has he taken any financial responsibility for his children, has he tried to ensure their life is OK on any level NO! going to court doesn't change any of that.

In your case OP who knows what the true story but just because his friends and family back his story up it doesn't mean its true (it also doesn't mean it's not) so you will have to go with your gut but would you be posting on here if you didn't have concerns?

And if he accepts paternity with CSA/CMS he doesn't have to have a DNA test.

If he wants PR he could apply to court. Similar with contact... but, he hasn't even tried.

ah well, that would be a game changer if he has tried properly. I think there's no harm in saying honestly it's really not sitting well with you

It's £160 to apply to get his name on the birth certificate.

Effort is not necessarily measured in legal action. Legal action is a drastic last resort that usually makes the hostile parent more hostile. It bothers me that there's an awful lot of posters presuming he's abusive.(people presume this about my husband). It's horrible.

It's clear that there's also no contact with grandparents or other extended family. Should we presume that they are all also abusive? Children have a right to a relationship with both parents and extended family. To deny them a relationship with a parent or grandparent is abusive.

There is no reason at all for her not to use the child maintenance service unless she is concerned about the dna test. Personally I would block her.

Donners my gut believes him, but when posting I did so knowing that the whole story would be questioned, and that is fine. I would do the same. You either trust or you don't, as User pointed out. My issues aren't really around whether I believe him or not, more that I do but I feel like I'm not sure he shares my view point when it comes to children. It's like I just can't get my head around what I perceive as apathy, and that makes me question his character. I really appreciate views from people who have been in my situation, his or know someone who has, and the stories about how these situations can happen is eye opening. I think I need to find out more about what he has actually done in terms of trying.

No-one is assuming he is abusive.

Some people said they fell for crap that was along this lines that was fed to them by men who went on to abuse them at which point they found out.

I said he could be overwhelmed or he could be abusive.

It is, quite frankly, profoundly stupid to not even consider that could be what actually explains his situation. Unfortunately the op would only find out the hard way.

Odd maybe the extended family can't be bothered either. That's how it was in my exs case, the only time his mother ever mentioned the little girl was to make excuses why she hadn't sent her a birthday card. They know where she lives, she still lives there, but the child gets nothing. His mother would rather support her son than see her granddaughter. She's as much as a disgrace as he is in my eyes.

And there are reasons not to use CMS - that your abusive ex can often use that to find you and that you have to pay to use their service.

And it is perfectly reasonable to have a slight concern about someone who has been so profoundly alienated as this who doesn't want to go down the court route.

Avoiding scrutiny?

So yes op it sounds like finding out exactly what he has done would help with your concerns but it might just also be sensible if you plan to continue with him.

And there are reasons not to use CMS - that your abusive ex can often use that to find you and that you have to pay to use their service.

It's £20. Free if there has been dv.

Has he saved every penny for his child that he should have been paying in maintenance?

The ExGF would hardly be the first woman to simply want a baby out of a man and then nothing else, no contact, no involvement, 'my baby, no-one else's'.

Yes and he'd hardly be the first man in the world to spin a story to his current love interest about his crazy ex that was all poor little him.

Which scenario do you think is more common?

Lunar I don't know the answer to that, but it's a good question.

Children have a right to a relationship with both parents and extended family. To deny them a relationship with a parent or grandparent is abusive.

As the child of an abusive father I can confirm it was entirely in the best interests of myself and my sister to be kept as far away from him as possible by my mother, thanks.

Free if you have evidence of DV within the last 2 years.

If you were in hiding from an abusive ex you might not trust them to keep your address a secret.

But obviously that is all hypothetical.

The only person I know who went into hiding from an abuser also had a non-molestation order, he had gone to jail for harassing her etc, he always found her and every time he does she falls right back into the abuse dance with him.

So TBH I do think that weighs slightly in his favour, that he hasn't been chasing her down etc as I think friend's exp is reasonably common.

BUT still... just too much stress and baggage to be investigating a partner like this.

You can find someone's address get easily and cheaply on the internet unless they have elected to keep there address off the open register

i thought it was up father to provide DNA evidence that he was not the father to CSA. CSA would presume he was the father until he did provide evidence?

Kronutpearl, I think it's fairly obvious what I meant. I didn't think it necessary to add "unless they are abusive".

Well odd, I'm afraid I do, given the number of people (and courts) who still grant access to the abusive parent.