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Original poster

Would you ever date someone who has no contact with his child?

267 replies

Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:14

I have NCed for this and it is quite outing so I will be vague, but I will try and answer questions as best I can.

The relationship between him and his ex broke down very early in the pregnancy (before the first scan) as he lost his job and she asked him to leave. He was not allowed to the scans and has not seen the child since he was a baby (now almost 3). A mediation appointment was set up which she did not attend. She did not put him on the birth certificate, which I understand further complicates things. She then moved but did not tell him where to. He paid maintenance and then stopped it so she would have to pursue him through CSA (or whatever they are called now) and he could insist on a DNA test and get put on the birth certificate. She has never done this because she knows what would happen and she does not want him to have parental rights. He has sort legal advice but cannot afford the thousands in legal fees it will take to get a court ordered DNA test, get on the birth certificate and then sort out contact, and he would probably have to know where they are first. He is saving to do this, but feels it is a long way off and hopes the mother has a change of heart or that the child expresses a wish to see him. I don't know, but if I were a child and my father were not around I would feel extremely hurt and perhaps not want to see him.

They do not have contact as she will not let him have her phone number. She will sometimes unblock him on social media to berate him for not paying maintenance, and then block him again. I was initially very dubious about everything to be honest, but the subject has come up around his family members, not discussed in depth or anything and I didn't ask any questions about it, but I have heard bits and pieces that seem to verify his version of events.

It is a very new relationship, but I feel everyone has "baggage", for want of a better word (I know I do!) and I don't really feel like I want to run for the hills just yet (which I feel some posters may tell me to do as it's a lot to take in in a new relationship) as it is otherwise going extremely well, and if people were to write people off in the beginning for having struggles, well, I don't think anyone would be dating me!

I think the reason I am posting is because I feel like if it were my child I would be fighting tooth and nail, even if it meant borrowing, getting into debt, hiring a PI to find them, etc., etc. Is this ever not the case? Why wouldn't it be the case?

OP posts:
Userone1 · 02/02/2017 16:47

DP and I both had kids from previous relationships when we met. Early days we never discussed child maintenance, CSA, DNA tests, his ex, my ex, contact arrangements etc, etc.

Userone1 · 02/02/2017 16:52

Your OP you say you have seen a few things to verify his story! Then question why he isn't doing all he can to see his kid...sounds like doubting!

WannaBe · 02/02/2017 16:54

OP, the discussion about access/whether he can afford/has paid for etc aside, given this is a very new relationship, do you really want to be entering into a relationship with a man who has all this ahead of him?

Let's say for a minute that he can afford the costs etc, this is the beginning of a relationship, ahead of you you could have: him going to court time and time and time again for any/increased access. Him needing to build a relationship with a child who doesn't know him. Him being bombarded with hateful communication from the ex, who may in fact also be poisoning the child or at the very least dripping poison into its ear about her dad. And that's way way before you get to the point of having any kind of relationship or involvement with the child, probably two or three years away from it in fact.

There's baggage and then there's cargo.

kittybiscuits · 02/02/2017 16:58

I think his story is full of holes and lacking any real sense of personal responsibility. I would steer clear of anyone like this.

SheldonCRules · 02/02/2017 17:18

No, I wouldn't. It's always the exs fault never their own.

Courts don't stop genuine parents having contact and any parent worth their salt would work two jobs etc to pay for the fees and solicitor.

Not paying child support is awful, it should be punishable by law if a parent (resident or not) won't financially support a child.

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/02/2017 17:26

I know of one guy who's gutted this happened to him denying him any relationship with his child.

And where does he live that he has no access to legal representation?

Offred · 02/02/2017 17:26

Baldrick - at the beginning things always seem manageable because you have new relationship excitement to pull you through. It is easier to extricate yourself from a new relationship. This kind of thing can be a nightmare even if your BF has done nothing at all wrong.

If you aren't doubting him at all I think maybe you don't need to ask him anymore but rather check out MN for other posts about what it is like dealing with a BF with unresolved nightmare ex/contact issues etc

VegoMum · 02/02/2017 18:02

My DD's father hasn't seen her since she was 4. She is now 7. He pays no maintenance but the twat managed to find a woman who would marry him. I can only imagine the lies he has told her. Each to their own.

There are holes in your story. Why did he stop paying maintenance? Also, a pregnant woman doesn't just dump the father of her child just because he lost his job, maybe he was always losing his job...she definitely has her reasons it seems.

Userone1 · 02/02/2017 18:21

My ex hasn't seen our ds in 8 years. No contact at all, not even a birthday card. Doesn't pay maintenance.

I bet he is sitting somewhere, with a new partner, telling her I am mad and made it impossible for him. Saving up for DNA and to take me to court!

BumDNC · 02/02/2017 18:25

No I wouldn't. One thing that's important to me and attractive is the ability to be a good parent and put your needs and wants behind the child. I wouldn't take on all this extra worry and stress, I also think it's been 3 years and virtually nothing has changed, in fact it's worse which suggests he has all the intentions and none of the actions. If he doesn't have this drive towards his own child it doesn't bode well for how he approaches the rest of his life. I would not dwell on the past as you will never know the story but the now - nothing is happening now, nor does it seem to be in action for the future. Talk and intention costs nothing. He hasn't made any real steps to make changes by now, what's going to spur him on if it hasn't already

Marmalade85 · 02/02/2017 18:32

If he isn't paying maintenance then he can pay for court. You can self represent for free and just pay for initial costs (around £250 I think).

My concern is that he is abusive or a pedophile.

BumDNC · 02/02/2017 18:39

I think the real concern is that he's lazy

OnTheUp13 · 02/02/2017 18:51

Just to say we had a family member run away to get married in America. I had the state and her name. That was all. And I managed to find her address. It's not difficult.

Also as a child that was abandoned by their abusive father I wouldn't give him the time of day. I'd love to know what my biological father tells people!

MissMrsMsXX · 02/02/2017 19:18

How do you feel about a man who hasn't tried to move mountains to see their child?

Surely you must feel he's a loser?

LineysRun · 02/02/2017 20:11

OP, hi. One thing that strikes me is that in the few-ish months you've known him, you've been able to obtain information about his Ex from mutual friends / acquaintances. Also, she is active on social media. Your boyfriend knows her full name, his child's name, at least one previous address, and the names and contact details of old mutual acquaintances - who will have friends of friends.

I'm no private detective, but if I wanted to I could probably find her in less than a day.

But YOU shouldn't have to.

Mombie2016 · 02/02/2017 20:20

My ex tells people he's desperate to see our baby, that he's spent hours banging on my door sobbing and begging, that CMS are taking half his wages every week, that I won't do mediation.

Reality: he didn't bother turning up for contact past 7 weeks, blocked me on all social media, as did his family, changed his number and email address, HE didn't turn up for mediation and I've never had a fucking penny, CMS are now going to court for a Liability Order and bailiffs. He's never been at my door or even sent a text. He's also an abusive gaslighting lying manipulative alcoholic sack of shit.

HermioneJeanGranger · 02/02/2017 21:16

I wouldn't do it.

My ex had kids he didn't see. He blamed his ex, said she was hostile, stopped him seeing them, caused arguments, blocked contact - all the usual nonsense. I was young and very naive and believed it. His family/friends "confirmed" it too.

Turns out it was, of course, bollocks. She constantly asked him to see them - he lied and said he was working. He didn't send them presents for their birthdays or Christmas. He resented paying maintenance. She'd arranged contact and he'd made excuses and not turned up.

When we split up, it turned out he had other kids he didn't see. He didn't claim the ex was hostile though, just spent the entire relationship pretending they weren't his Hmm

Big red flag for me, OP. Sorry. Yes, he could be genuine but I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who had so many unanswered questions/problems about their past.

Arcadia · 02/02/2017 21:38

Sorry I haven't RTFT but am a family lawyer. It is relatively easy to put in a disclosure of whereabouts application to the court (disclosed to the court but not to the applicant to engage them in the litigation) together with an application for parental responsibility and contact and it doesn't have to cost thousands in legal fees, he can represent himself as many, many people do. I'm not going to jump to the conclusion he's abusive as many mothers withhold contact rightly or wrongly for other reasons. However I would struggle to respect someone who didn't even try. He should also pay maintenance regardless of the other issues.

ladylambkin · 02/02/2017 21:43

Personally I wouldn't continue with this relationship

FlowerOfTheValley · 02/02/2017 21:52

The reasons given for splitting up seem strange. Either he's not being truthful or the ex has issues of some kind.

A friend of mine had kids with his ex. When they split, his decision, she wouldn't let him see them because she was extremely bitter about the split. I know her too so knew this to be true.

He was acknowledged as their father and paid maintenance. He tried many times to see his children but she would not let him. Eventually he stopped trying as it was too painful for him, the only time I've ever seen him in tears.

In their teens the children eventually got in touch with him and he now has a good relationship with them. The eldest has a very strained relationship with his mother who continues to put herself above her children's best interests.

Essentially I am saying I would previously have been wary of a man who had no contact with his children. Now I can understand it isn't always the man's fault and isn't a reflection on him. Some people can be that bitter they will put the welfare of their own children below their desire for revenge on their ex.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 02/02/2017 21:59

Some people can be that bitter they will put the welfare of their own children below their desire for revenge on their ex.

This with klaxxon's on

wherearemymarbles · 02/02/2017 22:01

There are a lot of posters saying they would move heaven and earth for contact with their children. Mostly i guess are women. Thing is if you are a women only 2 things will take your children from you. Social services are one. The grim reaper is the other. If you are a man add in your ex.
I know 3 instances where the ex made contact as difficult as possible. One guy spent over £20,000 and basically sees them now only because they left home

A court order is not worh the paper its written on. The court will not jail the mother. The court will not fine the mother. The court will not change a residence order.

On sort if the mother can basically do as she pleases.

Op, to be frank, id be believing your partner.

Checkthisout · 02/02/2017 22:06

As a person who this is currently happening to.....LEAVE HIM!

Fact is, he doesn't give a crap & wont, you'll simply end up having a kid with him which he'll use to "make up for missing his other one".

I actually thought there was a chance that you were my exes new gf! Until you said the child was 3!

Honestly.....I won't touch a guy who doesn't see his child, unless the mother has gone abroad, there's no excuse.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 02/02/2017 22:07

Projection much Checkthisout?

BumDNC · 02/02/2017 22:11

He's talking the talk and not walking the walk. He hasn't done anything to find this child or move forward with the court for 3 years. Fact is most of us said that's unattractive in any man. Imagine living with someone who is all talk no action. He's the bloke who rips out the kitchen one day then talks about a new one for 3 years? Because he doesn't seem very devastated. I appreciafe the court system is hard going and biased but he hasn't even filled in a form so how would he know that first hand?