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Original poster

Would you ever date someone who has no contact with his child?

267 replies

Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:14

I have NCed for this and it is quite outing so I will be vague, but I will try and answer questions as best I can.

The relationship between him and his ex broke down very early in the pregnancy (before the first scan) as he lost his job and she asked him to leave. He was not allowed to the scans and has not seen the child since he was a baby (now almost 3). A mediation appointment was set up which she did not attend. She did not put him on the birth certificate, which I understand further complicates things. She then moved but did not tell him where to. He paid maintenance and then stopped it so she would have to pursue him through CSA (or whatever they are called now) and he could insist on a DNA test and get put on the birth certificate. She has never done this because she knows what would happen and she does not want him to have parental rights. He has sort legal advice but cannot afford the thousands in legal fees it will take to get a court ordered DNA test, get on the birth certificate and then sort out contact, and he would probably have to know where they are first. He is saving to do this, but feels it is a long way off and hopes the mother has a change of heart or that the child expresses a wish to see him. I don't know, but if I were a child and my father were not around I would feel extremely hurt and perhaps not want to see him.

They do not have contact as she will not let him have her phone number. She will sometimes unblock him on social media to berate him for not paying maintenance, and then block him again. I was initially very dubious about everything to be honest, but the subject has come up around his family members, not discussed in depth or anything and I didn't ask any questions about it, but I have heard bits and pieces that seem to verify his version of events.

It is a very new relationship, but I feel everyone has "baggage", for want of a better word (I know I do!) and I don't really feel like I want to run for the hills just yet (which I feel some posters may tell me to do as it's a lot to take in in a new relationship) as it is otherwise going extremely well, and if people were to write people off in the beginning for having struggles, well, I don't think anyone would be dating me!

I think the reason I am posting is because I feel like if it were my child I would be fighting tooth and nail, even if it meant borrowing, getting into debt, hiring a PI to find them, etc., etc. Is this ever not the case? Why wouldn't it be the case?

OP posts:
Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:38

Bluntness She knows where he is and could get the CSA onto him, but will not, and will not now give him her details so that he can send anything (like a birthday present or what have you).

I don't know too much about it, but I do know that she said if he saw him, his parents weren't allowed to, and then his siblings weren't allowed to, and he had to travel a long way to where they were only (he would have been relying on his family for travel/support etc., and this would have made things very difficult), but wasn't allowed to bring him back for overnights, etc. I think it got to be unworkable.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 02/02/2017 12:38

JustAnotherPoster00 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:31:35

"fathers dont tend to have the same attatchment to children as mothers, can sometimes be a case of out of sight out of mind"

Not everybody wants a man with those values.

Surreyblah · 02/02/2017 12:39

I would run for the hills. He has abandoned his DC IMO and should be pursuing access (you can self represent) and paying maintenance.

Surreyblah · 02/02/2017 12:40

I couldn't respect and would never date a man with DC who didn't do those things.

greenfolder · 02/02/2017 12:41

i have a friend in a very similar position. he pursued it legally as far as was able and was devastated at the impossible position of trying to get and maintain contact in hostile circs.

Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:42

Just It occurred to me too. All I can really say is that he does look like him. That's really all I have to go on.

Emboo I suggested that, but he does not feel confident enough.

Bluntless No one has said she is mad. Mutual friends have described some very erratic (and sometimes destructive) behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:43

I am sorry for your friend green. I know it does happen, which is why I feel so conflicted about it.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 02/02/2017 12:43

No and I would think saving thousands for lawyers was a way of never having to do anything about it. You can self represent and make an application to the family court for about £250. If he is the father the court will order contact in the absence of any major safeguarding issues and sonetimes even then. If he had a court order and she was breaching it and stopping him then I'd have some sympathy but he hasn't taken any steps at all. And isn't even paying support. I'd steer clear.

Dieu · 02/02/2017 12:44

Major red flag for me, I'm afraid. To me, it seems a bit dysfunctional to just let it slip, and not go down the proper legal channels.
That said, a minority of women (and men, I'm sure) can be proper game players when it comes to this kind of thing, and very much have their own agenda.
I'm just a bit wary of fathers who accept it, and blame the ex, without putting up much of a fight.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 12:45

It seems difficult to read op, but I don't think you've answered the question on who those people are and why they think she's mad. More you've answered why he didn't see the child in that year. Could you be hearing only his version of events, even if from others?

I'd ask her. Message her if you can and ask politely , apologise for intruding but as you're in a new relationship with this man you'd like to understand what happened. Up to you if you tell him that's what you're going to do, his reaction could be telling. If he really doesn't know he should be keen for you to do so, in the hope you find out and can help, if he's dead against it I'd say he is hiding something,

expatinscotland · 02/02/2017 12:46

NO.

MotherofA · 02/02/2017 12:48

I agree with you tbh , I like to think if I was a man in that situation I would fight tooth and nail . Can't stand the women that do this and don't get why they would want to deprive their children of a father . That being said I feel many of these men give up too easily . It would put me off but depends how much you like him .

AgentProvocateur · 02/02/2017 12:49

No.

oleoleoleole · 02/02/2017 12:50

I think he deserves a chance. Ask him to contact CSA and ask for DNA as he wants to support but not before he has proof DC is his.

corythatwas · 02/02/2017 12:51

How can it be an excuse if she is mad? Would we excuse a mother for leaving her child in the hands of an insane ex?

deblet · 02/02/2017 12:51

My husbands ex wife tried to stop him seeing his children. Despite court orders she would take them away before he turned up to visit. She hated him for leaving her. He at one point didn't see them for 2 and a half years. Some parents are just nasty. Take it slowly and make your own judgements. Some parents are just not interested in their children but still make good partners again don't rush into things and make considered judgements.

Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:51

If he is the father the court will order contact in the absence of any major safeguarding issues and sonetimes even then.

Even if he is not on the birth certificate? I really don't know much about the legalities.

Bluntness I'm not deliberately evading answering questions. I thought I had answered about who talked to me about her. Mutual friends of both of them. People who were there when some things occurred (I can't give specifics as that would be very outing). Perhaps I will suggest my talking to her and see what reaction I get. If it turns out she is vindictive though I could really do without that being pointed at me, to be frank. Thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 12:51

He has sort legal advice but cannot afford the thousands in legal fees it will take to get a court ordered DNA test, get on the birth certificate and then sort out contact, and he would probably have to know where they are first

StewieGMum · 02/02/2017 12:52

No because this is always the story and it's very rarely the truth. Usually, he's been abusive. Sometimes he's insisted she needed to have an abortion and walked out. Sometimes he's just a lazy tool who couldn't be arsed to be a father and she's ended the relationship before winding up with two children.

It doesn't cost thousands of pounds to demand a DNA test or apply for a access. It is quite possible to make an appointment at CAB to ask for support filing court papers.

But the real test, the one that proves whether or not he truly wants to support his child is maintenance. Has he been putting money aside every month into an account for the child? He doesn't need contact details to start making arrangements for the child.

Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:53

How can it be an excuse if she is mad? Would we excuse a mother for leaving her child in the hands of an insane ex?

I don't think any possible mental health issues mean that you are automatically a bad parent. I say that as a parent who suffers from them.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 12:53

Op sorry I was not implying you were evading, more just really pointing out it wasn't really answered.

Also you don't need to talk to her, you can just message her.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 12:55

Ok, you're also a parent? If so you need to be even more cautious here at best he is a poor parent, at worst, well he's abusive.

Original poster
Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:55

Bluntness He really isn't. Unless she sent him a fake one.

It does concern me.

Thanks Stewie. It is interesting to know what can be done. I am certainly not aware of most of that.

OP posts:
Dieu · 02/02/2017 12:56

I think getting in touch with her is a really bad idea. If indeed she is the loose canon she's being portrayed as, it could open up a whole can of worms for you. And if your partner is genuine, then it could lead to trust issues. The police will be able to tell you if he has been done for anything DV related. I would steer clear of her.

corythatwas · 02/02/2017 12:56

Baldricksslug Thu 02-Feb-17 12:53:02
"How can it be an excuse if she is mad? Would we excuse a mother for leaving her child in the hands of an insane ex?

I don't think any possible mental health issues mean that you are automatically a bad parent. I say that as a parent who suffers from them."

Sorry, that was very badly phrased on my part. What I should have said was "how can it be right to leave your child in the hands of a parent whose judgment is seriously impaired by MH issues without ever checking that they are coping."

Because the whole suggestion here is not that the mother is suffering from MH issues which have no impact on her decision-making, but that these (supposed) MH is making her make wrong and unjust decisions.