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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you ever date someone who has no contact with his child?

267 replies

Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:14

I have NCed for this and it is quite outing so I will be vague, but I will try and answer questions as best I can.

The relationship between him and his ex broke down very early in the pregnancy (before the first scan) as he lost his job and she asked him to leave. He was not allowed to the scans and has not seen the child since he was a baby (now almost 3). A mediation appointment was set up which she did not attend. She did not put him on the birth certificate, which I understand further complicates things. She then moved but did not tell him where to. He paid maintenance and then stopped it so she would have to pursue him through CSA (or whatever they are called now) and he could insist on a DNA test and get put on the birth certificate. She has never done this because she knows what would happen and she does not want him to have parental rights. He has sort legal advice but cannot afford the thousands in legal fees it will take to get a court ordered DNA test, get on the birth certificate and then sort out contact, and he would probably have to know where they are first. He is saving to do this, but feels it is a long way off and hopes the mother has a change of heart or that the child expresses a wish to see him. I don't know, but if I were a child and my father were not around I would feel extremely hurt and perhaps not want to see him.

They do not have contact as she will not let him have her phone number. She will sometimes unblock him on social media to berate him for not paying maintenance, and then block him again. I was initially very dubious about everything to be honest, but the subject has come up around his family members, not discussed in depth or anything and I didn't ask any questions about it, but I have heard bits and pieces that seem to verify his version of events.

It is a very new relationship, but I feel everyone has "baggage", for want of a better word (I know I do!) and I don't really feel like I want to run for the hills just yet (which I feel some posters may tell me to do as it's a lot to take in in a new relationship) as it is otherwise going extremely well, and if people were to write people off in the beginning for having struggles, well, I don't think anyone would be dating me!

I think the reason I am posting is because I feel like if it were my child I would be fighting tooth and nail, even if it meant borrowing, getting into debt, hiring a PI to find them, etc., etc. Is this ever not the case? Why wouldn't it be the case?

OP posts:

cafesociety · 02/02/2017 12:57

No. There is always a reason/s a father does not see their own child....and it's not in the story they tell the next girlfriend either.

Original poster

Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 12:58

Bluntness Yes, I meant via message. Yes, I am a parent. He has no contact with my child. I don't rush that bit.

OP posts:

Deranger01 · 02/02/2017 12:59

No - something doesn't add up. If the mum is mentally ill, all the more reason he should be moving heaven and earth, bankrupting himself to get access. The apathy would put me right off.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 02/02/2017 12:59

Honestly - I'd walk away.

As PP have said, he could self-rep. It's not ideal but if it's a choice between not pursuing it because you can't pay a lawyer, or pursuing it and self-repping because you want to do everything possible to try and see your child, then surely you would self-rep?

Likewise why not resume paying maintenance? I understand he was trying to find out where she was, but there's a child at the end of this - once it became apparent that she wasn't going to go through the CSA then shouldn't he have resumed the private arrangement? Why would he continue to withhold money for his child? Maintenance and access are completely separate issues and although its unfair and upsetting if she is not allowing him to see his child, he should be paying towards his child's upkeep regardless - kids aren't pay-per-view. In years to come how will he explain his lack of contribution if he's ever asked? "Your Mum wouldn't let me see you so I didn't bother to send any money for you"?

Is his story true or is there more to it? Who knows? There are spiteful women out there just as there are deadbeat Dads. But in your shoes I would think very carefully about getting involved with a man who has a tricky relationship with his Ex and there is a child involved. Might be worth taking a wander over to the step-parenting section - I think there was a thread on there recently asking if posters would make the same choice in hindsight, and many posters said no, they'd walk away.

Original poster

Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 13:00

cory I did ask him that once, and he said he knew she was a good mum. I said that was very hard to know given the lack of contact. The baby was very wanted by her. He seems to cling on to that, but I couldn't stand to not know.

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 02/02/2017 13:03

Not being on the birth certificate has no bearing on contact if she acknowledges or he is proven to be the father. He could also ask the court for pr anyway which he would also get.

Other posters sharing their stories about how their husband, friend etc has been denied contact at least have in common that these men have taken legal action. Your guy hasn't even done that.

SaintEyning · 02/02/2017 13:04

I have a friend whose boyfriend has told her almost exactly the same thing (except there are two children involved with the ex). What she doesn't know (we're relatively new friends) is that I know her partner's ex through other local people and her version of the story is entirely different. I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle. It's very difficult to completely prevent someone determined from seeing their children.

Anothe friend of mine moved 8000 miles to be with his kids whose mother had returned to her home country with them. Spent his life savings, sold everything and left his entire life behind. The courts have awarded him the contact he asked for.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 13:04

It's really hard to judge, she could be mentally ill, he could alternately by lying to justify his behaviour to you by blaming her, and her story would be very different, and there could be a third version which is actually the truth.

On balance, as he's making out he's fairly blameless in all this, that none of it is his fault, he's the wronged party, and it's all her. I'd probably think there was more to it.

BarbarianMum · 02/02/2017 13:05

Yes but not in the circumstances you're describing. I'd expect some very real efforts (ie through the courts) to get access, or a situation where mother had met someone else who had adopted the child (and even then I'd expect birthday cards etc to be sent).

Original poster

Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 13:05

stitch so would the first step be to go to court to get them to order a DNA test? What I want to be able to say to him is "You can afford to do this first bit now. Do that." and if he doesn't then that tells me all I need to know.

OP posts:

BertPuttocks · 02/02/2017 13:06

"She did not put him on the birth certificate, which I understand further complicates things."

It's my understanding that if they weren't married she wouldn't have been allowed to put his name on the birth certificate unless he was at the appointment with her.

Dieu · 02/02/2017 13:08

According to my lawyer (Scotland), mothers can't just up sticks and move with their children like that, not unless with permission from the father. Can't remember the name of that particular law.

Deranger01 · 02/02/2017 13:09

i also think he should resume paying maintenance as the money is needed. I wonder whether you want to be with a bloke you have to insist sorts out his relationship with his child? It should come from him.

Dieu · 02/02/2017 13:09

Sorry, busy thread, that was to Saint!

Original poster

Baldricksslug · 02/02/2017 13:09

Bert Yes, that is my understanding too. She did the registration without him.

OP posts:

Userone1 · 02/02/2017 13:11

You've gone from not being sure if you want to get involved, to now wanting to contact his Ex and diagnosising her with mental health problems!!

It's simple, you either feel he is decent bloke who can be trusted or you don't!

Deranger01 · 02/02/2017 13:12

it's obvious isn't it, decent blokes don't accept not seeing their own children until they've exhausted every possible means.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2017 13:12

Do you know why he wasn't there to register the birth with her op if he was in contact at that stage?

dowhatnow · 02/02/2017 13:12

To an extent I can understand the lack of attachment to a child that he has not actually carried, rarely seen, to a mother that he wasn't in a serious relationship with, and with whom he split up before the child was born. It appears that he has made big efforts to see him. I also know from personal experience how vindictive some people can be. So I can give him the benefit of the doubt far more easily than I could with a father who has actually lived with a child and had built up some sort of relationship with,
however I think the doubt would eat me up and there would always be a part of me that didn't believe he was entirely innocent. As obviously do you. I think you are being very sensible to consider this carefully. If the child does look like him then what is the point of withholding maintenance for a DNA test? Is that just an excuse? Would it have been likely that she was unfaithful?

Given it is such an early point in your relationship it might be safer to let your head rule your heart, and get out now. I'd be honest with him as to why though. I don't think there is any point in contacting her as if she paints him in a bad light you still won't know if it is the truth or her being vindictive. Why did she stop allowing him access in the first place? Was it just the logistics?

StewieGMum · 02/02/2017 13:12

A mother who is not married can not put the fathers name on a birth certificate. He needs to be there to sign the form. This information is easily googleable; as is information on how to apply for access without a lawyer. If he doesn't know this, it's because he hasn't taken 5 minutes to do some very basic research. That, in and of itself, is quite telling.

jrhartleysfishingblog · 02/02/2017 13:13

she does not want him to have parental rights

But he has to be an abuser, and what kind of bastard would not fight for his kid, right? You've heard enough, he's like every other low life absent parent - dump him, OP.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 02/02/2017 13:14

dieu presuming op is in the UK, you can here but the mother would be expected too meet half way for hand overs. But he isn't on the BC or in contact so who could he complain too?

I'm going against the grain here but all good and well saying go court. Yeah he can do that but there is a particular website where fathers post there stories of court battles on how they think they've got the child back and the mother flounces the order and its a continous cycle of dragging the mother back too court.

One guy is 7 years into a battle and CAFCASS has now deemed it pointless because the child is being dragged through court constantly and it can be a huge impact on the child.

Court works on some women, but if you've got a woman who really is hostile and not prepared to back down it would end up being a long an expensive battle.

But that is his side you are hearing. Always two sides to a story.

Adora10 · 02/02/2017 13:14

I would date him but with caution; a woman would not deny her child's father for no reason; there's stuff you clearly know nothing about and as has been said, it doesn't need to cost thousands; what has he done because I'd be doing everything possible. Looks to me like he's not paying or his child either; is he putting money into a savings account to give to child when old enough, does he send cards, letters, keep some contact going, no, he does not even know this child; I am sorry but he has to take some responsibility for that; it would certainly not exactly make me enamoured with him.

Some men, like my child's father are simply mentally unable to actually be able to step up and be a parent, he's sounding like that to me.

SaintEyning · 02/02/2017 13:14

She had his permission, Dieu. But the agreement over amount of contact rapidly changed once they were away and he saw a lot less of them than he had originally hoped/they had agreed. Plus he realised he missed them way way more than he thought - with the added stress of contact being increasingly reduced.

Slimmingsnake · 02/02/2017 13:14

Find her on face book and ask her yrself what you want to know...send a friend request and see what happens...if he has nothing to hide he won't mind ,will he?

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