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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get DH to snap out of it? 1 week old baby.

255 replies

Mysterycat23 · 31/01/2017 04:39

Sorry for epically long ranty post. Not sure where to post this so sorry if in the wrong place.

Recently had first baby 1 week ago. Baby totally fine, struggling with DH.

He has been sleeping the night in spare room while I do nights (bf) and then having baby while I cat nap through the day. However he rolls his eyes at me when I ask for food/drink or for him to do some housework. We have talked and he has said he needs time alone which he is ALREADY FUCKING HAVING while me and baby sleep in the day. He also mentioned wanting to go and do his hobby with mates which tbh I shut down by pointing out he was on paternity leave not on holiday. He's acknowledged it's wrong to go off doing hobby on pat leave but still in a huge piss.

What is fucking me off the most is the food thing. He is not even thinking "hmm lunch time = food". It will get to 2pm, he has not eaten or offered me lunch or even worse made himself a snack and not made anything for me. I'm having to remind/ask instead and then I'm rewarded with the eye roll and the pissyness. By the way the freezer is literally filled with batch cooked meals I bloody well made on mat leave.

I am finding it incredibly hurtful and disappointing. I just don't know what to do to get him to snap out of it. I'm at the point of thinking I will have to cry and scream to get him to grow the fuck up but why should I have to get worked up and be the one to yet again be rocking the boat while he gets to say how demanding I am.

We had a big convo tonight which somehow ended up being about me not listening when he was talking about an actor in a film we were watching and how disrespectful I was being. 😑

Just didn't expect this, when I had terrible ms in first trimester he was fantastic at looking after me and did everything perfectly willingly. What can I do or say to get him to snap the fuck out of it??

TL;DR

1 week old baby, DH prefers to watch Netflix and play Xbox than microwave a tupperware to feed mum. Where can I get a cattle prod?

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 01/02/2017 23:48

Libby, what did your husband say about it afterwards?

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2017 01:35

My DH asked me if he could go and play golf with his mates the day after I gave birth to my third child.

I cried.

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2017 01:36

I mean, how can someone so spectacularly not get it?

Chelazla · 02/02/2017 02:21

I know I'm going against the grain but why can't you make your own dinner just because you've had a baby? My dh went back to work day after ds as was self employed. I also had dd 11 months to look after. Life just carried on. I looked after kids, cooked cleaned just normal stuff. If he's on paternity leave he should be sleeping with you and helping out but sitting there hungry waiting to be fed is ridiculous!

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2017 03:42

I agree, actually, with Chelazla I think the pregnancy and baby books set up this expecation that you'll be waited on like a princess when you've had a baby. Reality is not that way. You still need to get up and take care of yourself. It's good practice because you NEVER get a rest as a parent and nobody actually ever waits on you. You spend your life waiting on others, more like it. Might as well get used to it now....welcome to the mum club.

Kiwiinkits · 02/02/2017 03:43

But sometimes you need to feel like your husband puts you first. There's only a few occasions in life when you really need this. And the days after giving birth are one of those occasions.

JigglyTuff · 02/02/2017 04:09

Chelazla - I didn't have any help either but that's not the point. the OP's husband is on leave so that he can help with the baby.

DameDeDoubtance · 02/02/2017 06:34

Expecting help from your co parent is not being weighted on hand on foot like a princess. Unfortunately the bar is set so low that women are often criticised if they ask for help from their male partners.

How are you op, how often does he scare you. You do not have to put up with shitty behaviour and you don't have to do it all,.

Somehowsomewhere · 02/02/2017 07:28

I know I'm going against the grain but why can't you make your own dinner just because you've had a baby?

Because he's there, on paternity leave? Why should she do everything while there's another completely capable adult there at home with her?
Of course she can make her own dinner. I could make my own dinner every single night but I don't, my DH does it. It's one of his household chores. I could do everything single handedly but I don't, because there's another adult in the house.

Somehowsomewhere · 02/02/2017 07:36

Unfortunately the bar is set so low that women are often criticised if they ask for help from their male partners.

This. Why do some women expect so little from the co-parent/other adult in a relationship?
I feel genuine despair when I read comments on threads like this.

SheldonCRules · 02/02/2017 07:37

If you are scared of him, there's obviously a huge amount wrong with the relationship and adding a baby to the mix probably not wise but it's done now.

I agree, actually, with Chelazla I think the pregnancy and baby books set up this expecation that you'll be waited on like a princess when you've had a baby.

I agree, the amount of woman who from the moment they are pregnant seem to lose the ability to do anything and expect the man to do everything is astounding. Unless I was seriously ill, I can't imagine just waiting and waiting until someone brought me food.

HelenDenver · 02/02/2017 07:39

"I agree, the amount of woman who from the moment they are pregnant seem to lose the ability to do anything and expect the man to do everything is astounding."

I think we live in different universes, Sheldon. But then, your posts usually make me think that.

Chelazla · 02/02/2017 07:45

I did say if he's on pat leave he's should be helping with baby or no point him being on it! I just said personally I can't see why op is sat waiting to be fed!

DameDeDoubtance · 02/02/2017 07:46

Helen, women who have babies are waited on hand and foot don't cha know. in alt world where men are paid less for the same work

Megatherium · 02/02/2017 07:46

Sheldon, you have noticed that at the time of the original post the baby was only a week old, and is breastfed, haven't you? Is it really so unreasonable to expect OP's husband to stick a pre-prepared meal in the microwave for her?

motherinferior · 02/02/2017 07:49

Plenty of men 'sit and wait till someone brings them food'.

And actually many mothers do get rests and lie-ins from time to time. My oldest is 16 (today!) and I don't spend my life waiting on other people because my partner is a competent human being who does his share of stuff. I'm about to take out the wash he put on earlier....

Naicehamshop · 02/02/2017 07:49

Agree with Helen.

I don't know a single woman, who - when pregnant - has just sat around waiting for a man to do everything for her. Most women just get on with it, while at the same working, looking after older children and doing the majority of work in the house.

I don't want to make sweeping generalisations like you, Sheldon, otherwise I would say that I am astounded by the number of men who just don't step up and take equal responsibility for their children.

corythatwas · 02/02/2017 07:52

"I agree, the amount of woman who from the moment they are pregnant seem to lose the ability to do anything and expect the man to do everything is astounding. Unless I was seriously ill, I can't imagine just waiting and waiting until someone brought me food."

a) The OP has hardly lost the ability to do anything if she is feeding a small human being and keeping it clean. It's the man who is doing absolutely sod all.

b) Quite a few women are more or less incapacitated in the early days by tears/stitches/section scars etc. If a man had had major surgery you wouldn't call him a princess for struggling to do the housework or cooking.

c) Some babies (particularly small ones) need very frequent feeding; if they struggle with suckling each individual feed may also take a long time. That is time that you are tied up and can't dash around getting yourself food and water.

"It's good practice because you NEVER get a rest as a parent and nobody actually ever waits on you. You spend your life waiting on others, more like it."

So why doesn't the husband need a bit of this good practice? Or did you actually mean "woman" when you said "parent"?

I don't spend my life waiting on others. Dh and I both had children, we are both responsible for them, and as adults we are both responsible for other chores that come with living in a house: they get done by whichever one of us has more time on their hands. Seeing that the OP is feeding and looking after the baby and the dh is sitting around playing games, it would seem obvious in this case who that is...

corythatwas · 02/02/2017 07:53

Chelazla Thu 02-Feb-17 07:45:16
"I did say if he's on pat leave he's should be helping with baby or no point him being on it! I just said personally I can't see why op is sat waiting to be fed!"

Probably because there is a small baby attached to her boob.

ricecrispies16 · 02/02/2017 07:54

So he sleeps in another room while you breastfeed at night but takes over in the day while you sleep, presumably you breast feed in the day and then baby goes to sleep? So you feed night and day and try to catch up on sleep in the day because you're knackered from the night before..... he won't willingly support you or make you any food or drinks, or do any housework. What is he actually even doing then? Apart from wanting to leave you even more by going to his hobby.

You're not being unreasonable. He is being selfish and needs telling. He's taking the piss.

NameChange30 · 02/02/2017 07:56

"I just wish he didn't shout and scream when I asked him to pull his weight."

"Despite being frankly terrified of him when he loses his shit"

OP, I was already pretty horrified reading this thread (at your husband's behaviour, similar behaviour described by other posters, and the appalling excuses given for them by some) but these latest two comments made my blood run cold.

You've just had a baby. You and your baby are at your most vulnerable. And you have an emotionally abusive husband. Be very, very careful about standing up to him. Please consider going to stay with your parents, if that's an option and if they will be able to help to look after you and the baby.

Whatever you do, please read these links:
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles

AnyFucker · 02/02/2017 08:35

Op is long gone Sad

NameChange30 · 02/02/2017 08:54

Because she hasn't posted for 24 hours? Confused

Jaysis · 02/02/2017 10:47

I agree, the amount of woman who from the moment they are pregnant seem to lose the ability to do anything and expect the man to do everything is astounding.

When your co-parent takes two weeks off as paternity leave it's not so that he can fuck about on his Xbox. Otherwise it would be called "X-box leave"

I had a c-section. A week after it I was still establishing breastfeeding, was on painkillers and shuffling around slowly and carefully. And I had a colicky baby who needed to be walked around most of the day (which DP did non stop). So yes I would expect that my partner take a meal from the freezer and stick it in the oven for us while I'm sat feeding and winding a bawling baby. It's called being a team. But then I'm lucky enough to have a bloke who is not a lazy arse and was respectful of my ante-natal recovery and wanted to pull his weight for his family.

I'm far from a princess nor did I expect to be treated like one, but if my DP has just been through major abdominal surgery I'd be attentive and ensure that as part of his recovery he was fed and watered and rested as much as possible, and if that meant I had to do a bit more than usual, so be it. It's what considerate people do for the partner they love.

Lorelei76 · 02/02/2017 11:23

oh bloody hell, maybe split the site into "Handmaidenfuckingcentralnet" and whatever the other section would be called.

better targeted advertising too I expect.

I'm out. Hope you're okay OP.

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