Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get DH to snap out of it? 1 week old baby.

255 replies

Mysterycat23 · 31/01/2017 04:39

Sorry for epically long ranty post. Not sure where to post this so sorry if in the wrong place.

Recently had first baby 1 week ago. Baby totally fine, struggling with DH.

He has been sleeping the night in spare room while I do nights (bf) and then having baby while I cat nap through the day. However he rolls his eyes at me when I ask for food/drink or for him to do some housework. We have talked and he has said he needs time alone which he is ALREADY FUCKING HAVING while me and baby sleep in the day. He also mentioned wanting to go and do his hobby with mates which tbh I shut down by pointing out he was on paternity leave not on holiday. He's acknowledged it's wrong to go off doing hobby on pat leave but still in a huge piss.

What is fucking me off the most is the food thing. He is not even thinking "hmm lunch time = food". It will get to 2pm, he has not eaten or offered me lunch or even worse made himself a snack and not made anything for me. I'm having to remind/ask instead and then I'm rewarded with the eye roll and the pissyness. By the way the freezer is literally filled with batch cooked meals I bloody well made on mat leave.

I am finding it incredibly hurtful and disappointing. I just don't know what to do to get him to snap out of it. I'm at the point of thinking I will have to cry and scream to get him to grow the fuck up but why should I have to get worked up and be the one to yet again be rocking the boat while he gets to say how demanding I am.

We had a big convo tonight which somehow ended up being about me not listening when he was talking about an actor in a film we were watching and how disrespectful I was being. 😑

Just didn't expect this, when I had terrible ms in first trimester he was fantastic at looking after me and did everything perfectly willingly. What can I do or say to get him to snap the fuck out of it??

TL;DR

1 week old baby, DH prefers to watch Netflix and play Xbox than microwave a tupperware to feed mum. Where can I get a cattle prod?

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 31/01/2017 07:29

I'd have let him go and do his hobby, yes it's paternty leave but do you plan on doing nothing or not leaving the house during maternity leave? I doubt it.

If he's taking the baby during the day and you are doing nights then it's pretty equal, the rest should be split. Making a simple lunch isn't that hard and when he goes back to work soon you'll have to do it anyway plus the daytimes.

MichaelSheensNextDW · 31/01/2017 07:40

What's your relationship with his parents?
He needs hanging out to dry before your justified resentment crystallises further.
Tell him he's letting you down.

MixedGrill · 31/01/2017 07:49

Haha at the male half of a couple having a first baby not knowing 'how a household works' and therefore needs another woman (granny) to come and do the domestic work.

OP tell him next time he is physically recovering from birth, feeding a new human from his bodily reserves, awake all night and has his hormones playing havoc you will make him a sandwich for lunch. But this time the deal is on him.

Do they still give out that 0-5 years book on the NHS? I seem to remember it had a good section for new Dads.

If he is feeling like a spare part, talk to him about it. And just tell him how you feel.

physicsisfun · 31/01/2017 07:51

Hmm the more I reread your OP, especially the bits highlighted by other posters I lose more sympathy for your DH.

However, losing the plot at him or LTB is still shit advice for a mother with a newborn. As is asking the midwife to shout at him! And making him sleep in your bed to share the pain when a spare is available is silly as one of you should be rested. But then that person has to step up! And that person doesn't have to be him - you could express or consider formula if you are at breaking point.

A proper talk is needed. I would actually write down my problems and needs as it's hard to make sense when you are emotional and sleep deprived. Get someone else take baby for a walk so you aren't interrupted. As someone else has said this isn't just about having a newborn. Both your lives have permanently changed. If you don't start working together now resentment will fester and grow. Try to talk about what you both expected and what you both need (through gritted teeth as he is being a dick but you need to find a mutual agreement) and then how you will achieve this.

FlowersFlowers

AlanaIsMyAlterEgo · 31/01/2017 07:58

Phone his mother and tell on him.

Somehowsomewhere · 31/01/2017 08:02

I'd have let him go and do his hobby, yes it's paternty leave but do you plan on doing nothing or not leaving the house during maternity leave? I doubt it.

Hardly comparable is it? Paternity leave is 1-2 weeks when the baby is a newborn and the mother is exhausted/recovering from birth etc.
Maternity leave is closer to a year, and for some of that life will have calmed down a bit.
And no, I didn't get to go and do my hobbies during the week on maternity leave as I was looking after my child while DH was at work.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 31/01/2017 08:16

I think paternity leave creates problems. The woman thinks she should be looked after and the man hasn't got a clue what to do to help. He has to sit looking at his wife feeding and cuddling whilst he is expected to suddenly understand how the household is managed and look devotedly at mother and child. He hasn't really got a role except as servant.

Oh my god.

The poor little men, who have never understood how a household is managed and has no capacity for empathy or equal partnership! Just abandoned with ridiculous expectations like knowing how a microwave works, or having to think of things like maybe the mother of their child would like a drink.... seriously??

How appallingly sexist and insulting to men!

OP what's his agenda here?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 31/01/2017 08:16

*"whilst he is expected to suddenly understand how the household is managed"

Why the hell wouldn't he know this before?*

Phew? Thank god someone challenged this. I thought I had time traveled back to the 1950s.

Stitchfusion · 31/01/2017 08:18

This is why men shouldnt have more than 3 days off for paternity leave. the rest of the time should be given over to the grandmother or sister or best friend.

SandyY2K · 31/01/2017 08:19

This reminds me of my DH when he was on paternity leave, except I had my DM over, taking care of me, making sure I'd eaten and rested. She cooked meals for us and the day she left, he asked me what was for dinner... I could have screamed at him.

I was absolutely furious and a week later, I was so sleep deprived, that I left to go to my DM, because I was not only shattered, but really angry as well.

Both my parents would help look after the baby in the day and night, allowing me much needed rest.

Knowing what I know now, I would have been more demanding and insistent on him being more hands on. It would have either made us or broke us.

badabing36 · 31/01/2017 08:20

Just to say don't try and express until you're milk comes in (you'll know when it happens), as it can really put you off. Expressing is actually really time consuming and frustrating as it takes a long time to get a full feed out, even when your milk does come in. At this stage expressing to give yourself a break is self defeating, in another month it will be easy though.

Get someone to talk to him for you.

Marmalade85 · 31/01/2017 08:21

I had a c-section and while still in the hospital asked ex to change the nappy and he called me 'lazy'. It got worse

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 08:25

"why men shouldnt have more than 3 days off for paternity leave. "

Bollocks. I think more of men as a class than that, and i am a card carrying, pussy hat wearing, feminist.

My DH didn't pull this shit, nor did any other fathers I know.

Trifleorbust · 31/01/2017 08:25

He isn't on holiday. He should be working as hard as you are and looking after a newborn is HARD.

I think you need to tell him to step up or go back to fucking work and take the rest of his paternity leave at a time when the baby is old enough for you to go away for a few days.

I had to remind my DH about mealtimes and about how I couldn't, for example, reach my cuppa or my sandwich, but pissy with me? I wouldn't have been having that. I imagine your newborn is attached to your body 22 hours a day like mine was, you are still physically exhausted from the birth and now from sleep deprivation, and he is getting a decent night's sleep and moaning about having to make you lunch. Just no.

Somehowsomewhere · 31/01/2017 08:29

This is why men shouldnt have more than 3 days off for paternity leave. the rest of the time should be given over to the grandmother or sister or best friend

WTAF?!

My DH did a fabulous job on paternity leave. He enjoyed having the time to spend with his newborn. Why the hell would my mum, or sister (I don't have one), or my (childless) best friend be a better choice to be at home with me than my husband and the father of our child??

Somehowsomewhere · 31/01/2017 08:30

I don't get this thing about having to remind them about meals. Don't they have to eat anyway?! Surely they're not sitting round waiting for you to cook?!
Honestly my mind boggles.

QueenLaBeefah · 31/01/2017 08:30

I think your DH honestly thought paternity leave would be exactly the same as being on holiday. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

shovetheholly · 31/01/2017 08:31

He's being shit, and is no position to lay down the law to the mother of his child!

I would walk out and go stay with friends.

Can't believe the number of comments on this thread that infantalise men and treat them like beings incapable of shouldering some adult responsibility. If some of you really believe that shit, you have been sold down the river. There is no reason why men can't do housework, washing and food. A penis does not incapacitate you from thinking about others - selfish arseholeness, however, does.

stayathomegardener · 31/01/2017 08:33

Two options.
Step up or he can go back to work.
My frustration would exhaust me having him at home floating round.

Somehowsomewhere · 31/01/2017 08:33

A penis does not incapacitate you from thinking about others - selfish arseholeness, however, does.

Exactly this. If the men (or women) in your lives have led you to believe that men somehow can't think about these things/can't manage them as they're men/can't shoulder responsibility etc then you've really had the wool pulled over your eyes.

Trifleorbust · 31/01/2017 08:34

This is why men shouldnt have more than 3 days off for paternity leave. the rest of the time should be given over to the grandmother or sister or best friend.

Because wifework, yes?

Fuck. That.

Megatherium · 31/01/2017 08:34

To clarify, you do the nights with your child , but he does the days except breast feeding, is this right, and he also has to do the housework and make your meals?

Bluntness, you do realise, don't you, that the baby is only one week old, and paternity leave only lasts two weeks? Also that in fact OP made the meals, all her husband has to do is microwave them? I hope you're not remotely considering arguing that that is an unreasonable arrangement?

VivDeering · 31/01/2017 08:36

I don't have children, so am prepared for this to be shot down in flames, but around midday could you not leave him and baby whilst you get the meal together? And do similar later on in the day whilst you have a bath? And do similar earlier in the day whilst you have a nap?

Megatherium · 31/01/2017 08:37

I'd have let him go and do his hobby, yes it's paternty leave but do you plan on doing nothing or not leaving the house during maternity leave? I doubt it.

I suspect that for the two weeks that paternity leave lasts OP may well be planning on doing very little but recovering from the birth, feeding and looking after the baby and catching up on the sleep she is losing at nights. What is wrong with that? The fact that she will start going out and doing things later on in her maternity leave is totally irrelevant.

HyacinthsBucket · 31/01/2017 08:41

If he can't be bothered to look after you, find someone who will. Go and stay with your mum or your best friend and leave him to it. My DH was stunningly unhelpful, and thought emptying out cupboards/drawers and asking about everything in it rather than making me a cup of tea or changing our dd was helping me..........in the end, after 3 days I booted him back to work and it was much easier on my own. I slept when baby did, and the house was at least quieter and calmer. He was banned from time off with the other 2 as it just made me more stressed.