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Original poster

How to get DH to snap out of it? 1 week old baby.

255 replies

Mysterycat23 · 31/01/2017 04:39

Sorry for epically long ranty post. Not sure where to post this so sorry if in the wrong place.

Recently had first baby 1 week ago. Baby totally fine, struggling with DH.

He has been sleeping the night in spare room while I do nights (bf) and then having baby while I cat nap through the day. However he rolls his eyes at me when I ask for food/drink or for him to do some housework. We have talked and he has said he needs time alone which he is ALREADY FUCKING HAVING while me and baby sleep in the day. He also mentioned wanting to go and do his hobby with mates which tbh I shut down by pointing out he was on paternity leave not on holiday. He's acknowledged it's wrong to go off doing hobby on pat leave but still in a huge piss.

What is fucking me off the most is the food thing. He is not even thinking "hmm lunch time = food". It will get to 2pm, he has not eaten or offered me lunch or even worse made himself a snack and not made anything for me. I'm having to remind/ask instead and then I'm rewarded with the eye roll and the pissyness. By the way the freezer is literally filled with batch cooked meals I bloody well made on mat leave.

I am finding it incredibly hurtful and disappointing. I just don't know what to do to get him to snap out of it. I'm at the point of thinking I will have to cry and scream to get him to grow the fuck up but why should I have to get worked up and be the one to yet again be rocking the boat while he gets to say how demanding I am.

We had a big convo tonight which somehow ended up being about me not listening when he was talking about an actor in a film we were watching and how disrespectful I was being. 😑

Just didn't expect this, when I had terrible ms in first trimester he was fantastic at looking after me and did everything perfectly willingly. What can I do or say to get him to snap the fuck out of it??

TL;DR

1 week old baby, DH prefers to watch Netflix and play Xbox than microwave a tupperware to feed mum. Where can I get a cattle prod?

OP posts:
TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 01/02/2017 09:03

OP that last post really adds another dimension. You shouldn't ever feel terrified of your DH. Not even for a second. You need to put your safety first, and the baby's. Are you safe?

It's not your job to ensure that he has a relationship with his own child. Men do not need to feel on the periphery. That's on them. OK if you're breastfeeding then they can't do that, but they can get involved in lots of ways and it's not your responsibility to drive that. It's for your husband to take the initiative and behave like a parent. I know (because he told me) that my husband felt proud when he saw me having bonding moments with ours as babies. He wasn't sitting there seething and feeling jealous because he's a grown up and is capable of forging his relationship with his children without me supervising or facilitating it. I think that's probably 'the norm'.

corythatwas · 01/02/2017 11:11

saleorbouy Tue 31-Jan-17 22:56:43
"From a male point of view you can feel a little on the periphery at the beginning because the baby really only needs it's mother. Of course there are nappy changes, baths and pram walks etc. but I must admit a slight pang of jealousy watching the mother baby bond myself."

Nonsense. All the stuff around the feeding- nappy changing, washing and bathing, keeping the baby's clothes laundered and organised, settling the baby after a feed etc etc - takes at least as long as the actual breastfeeding and can all be done by a man. In the case of bottle-fed babies there is nothing that cannot equally be done by a man. Dh spent as much time bonding in the first few days as I did; in fact, with our youngest he was the first to care for him as I was recovering from a section. No time for jealousy there: he was far too busy.

"Maybe he feels a little on the outside or overwhelmed."

Do you want to know a secret? The majority of new mothers also feel overwhelmed by the new responsibility but nobody gives a shit how they feel as long as they get on with the job. And if they don't get on with the job, they get reported to social services and end up on the front page of the tabloids as abusive monsters.

"Perhaps just nicely point out where he can assist"

Exactly why is the new mother supposed to know more about this than the new father? Do women have access to some mysterious knowledge that men don't? (if so, I have been conned). Don't both parents have to spend the early days trying to work out which jobs need doing and when?

"try and involve him a bit more in the bathing, feeding etc so he feels more of the team."

Who does this for the new mother???

corythatwas · 01/02/2017 11:12

OP, your last post is worrying. You shouldn't have to feel that, that really sounds as if something is seriously wrong.

motherinferior · 01/02/2017 11:21

I would have loved to feel 'on the periphery' for the first few weeks of DD1's life.

Lorelei76 · 01/02/2017 11:23

OP I'm sorry if this sounds harsh
This is not about being female and this problem didn't creep in to your marriage
You said yourself he was like this from the start, then you had a baby with him knowing this.
You should seriously consider leaving him. By all means talk to him first but the mere fact you are scared of him is a huge worry.

Do not listen to promises of change. You need to see actual change. its a good sign that he slept in your bed to see what it's like but was that just a grand gesture, I wonder.

Cuppaoftea · 01/02/2017 12:15

I would also recommend talking to your Midwife Op. Your DH shouting and screaming isn't normal or acceptable however he's feeling about the birth and adjusting to parenthood.

You need to throw this out in the open so you have people to support you and monitor things and for your DH to have the opportunity to talk to someone (healthcare professional, family member) separately too.

You and your newborn are vulnerable and need unequivocal support at this time. His temper is really worrying.

expatinscotland · 01/02/2017 13:12

What Jiggly and cory said. You are married to a bullying arsehole.

Kr1stina · 01/02/2017 14:00

I agree.

Please read contrary13s excellent post.

OlennasWimple · 01/02/2017 14:31

When the midwife asks you questions about how you are feeling and how everything is going at home, please answer them honestly. (And maybe pause and think about why midwives have routine questions designed to identify vulnerable women who may be at risk shortly after giving birth....)

FWIW, DH's approach was "I look after you, you look after the baby", not least because we had a preemie who literally bf and slept for six weeks. Didn't affect the father / son bond (DS's first word was still "dada"...)

Jaysis · 01/02/2017 14:33

Sounds to me like he's an abusive arsehole who is jealous of your time being taken up with your baby and you actually needing him to pull his weight a little.

You are recovering. You will be bleeding for another couple of weeks yet, and you are establishing breastfeeding, which will use up massive amounts of your energy stores. Chances are you are bruised and stitched too. You should literally be sitting /lying around with your baby and not have to lift a finger in terms of housework.

The idea that some women have about men not knowing how to run a household (it's not fucking Downton Abbey for fucks sake!) or they are incapable of giving their partner a sandwich, microwaved meal or a cuppa without her begging and an ensuing tantrum from him is so sad.

It sounds to me like you only partially got through to him I'm afraid. You do owe it to your son to provide a good role model of a man in his life, and this man-child you are married to falls far far short of that.

LibbyRuby · 01/02/2017 15:53

My DH was awful after the birth of our youngest child. He refused to do anything at all, either with our other DCs, for me, for the baby or in the house and got in a rage if asked to do anything. I'd been really ill after the birth and could have done with a few days of resting but DH was having none of it. After a few days he threatened to leave me as I was expecting him to do too much!

Things got a bit better but DS is 7 now and our relationship has never fully recovered and I still feel immense anger with DH when I think back to those days when I was so unwell, exhausted and vulnerable and he just treated me like a lazy sponger...

HelenDenver · 01/02/2017 16:28

How on earth did you recover even somewhat, lily? Sorry you were treated that way.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2017 18:01

And you stayed with him, Libby ? Why ? And ate you rubber stamping op's choice to stay with a man that treats her like shit ?

DameDeDoubtance · 01/02/2017 18:03

He needs to sort himself out, pronto. You should not be afraid of your partner. What's he like when he loses his shit, shouty?

HelenDenver · 01/02/2017 18:17

Lily=libby, wrong name.

Kr1stina · 01/02/2017 18:19

I didn't think that Libby was rubber stamping the Ops decision. On the contrary, she said it's cause lasting damage in their relationship. I don't think she's excusing either her partner or the OPs.

SmellySphinx · 01/02/2017 18:30

He sounds useless and more like a jealous sibling of the baby rather than a father. He wouldn't be off work at all if you hadn't given birth for fucks sake. You've even prepared meals in advance so how hard is it. He's enjoying the time off so it's time to put this to good use. I'd tell him to sod off back to work at the least. Why are people saying he's doing his fair share? Bollocks to that.

RubyDoobey · 01/02/2017 18:30

No, definitely not rubber stamping anything! Simply giving my experience of how my DH was, and how shit it was/still is.

Primaryteach87 · 01/02/2017 18:40

He sounds pretty crap! My DH was cooking, cleaning and taking care of oldest child as well as bringing me tissues, nipple cream and all round cheer-leading me!

Adarajames · 01/02/2017 19:10

Without even mentioning anything else of his awful behaviours, the fact your terrified of him says it all and you need to not be with him; would probably be easier being with baby alone too as then Wouldn't have to worry about his awful moods and uselessness. Don't let it continue op, have a safe happy home with your lovely new baby where you're not afraid of the other person there!

AnyFucker · 01/02/2017 19:12

Libby / Ruby... fair enough.

I still don't understand why you would stay married to such a piece of shit though

saffronwblue · 01/02/2017 19:52

OP I hate to hear that you are in fear. What support do you have nearby? The first few weeks post birth are pretty mad at the best of times but your partner should be making things better not worse. There will be a time when you have a clearer head and then I think you should take a good hard look at your marriage.

Kronutpearl · 01/02/2017 20:06

They don't have to justify themselves to you AF

It wouldn't kill you to be a bit kinder sometimes.

Your H is a selfish prick OP. BrewCakeWine

Longandleggy · 01/02/2017 20:16

Op, I've never written on here before but here we go. Your post reminded me sooo much of my DH when our first DD was born. He spent his pat leave saying how boring it was, when could we go and do something and trying to go and play golf. Anyway, to be completely honest and in spite of having DS 2 years later, I wish I had told him to sling his hook then. His rages also scare me, his tendency to make everything my fault-it has all just got worse. So I don't mean to hijack your thread by any means, but my experience tells me that unless something radical changes, his behaviour will only get worse.
Sorry you are going through a hard time. And congrats on your baby!!

AnyFucker · 01/02/2017 21:23

they pearl ?