How to get DH to snap out of it? 1 week old baby.

[Mysterycat23]

Sorry for epically long ranty post. Not sure where to post this so sorry if in the wrong place.

Recently had first baby 1 week ago. Baby totally fine, struggling with DH.

He has been sleeping the night in spare room while I do nights (bf) and then having baby while I cat nap through the day. However he rolls his eyes at me when I ask for food/drink or for him to do some housework. We have talked and he has said he needs time alone which he is ALREADY FUCKING HAVING while me and baby sleep in the day. He also mentioned wanting to go and do his hobby with mates which tbh I shut down by pointing out he was on paternity leave not on holiday. He's acknowledged it's wrong to go off doing hobby on pat leave but still in a huge piss.

What is fucking me off the most is the food thing. He is not even thinking "hmm lunch time = food". It will get to 2pm, he has not eaten or offered me lunch or even worse made himself a snack and not made anything for me. I'm having to remind/ask instead and then I'm rewarded with the eye roll and the pissyness. By the way the freezer is literally filled with batch cooked meals I bloody well made on mat leave.

I am finding it incredibly hurtful and disappointing. I just don't know what to do to get him to snap out of it. I'm at the point of thinking I will have to cry and scream to get him to grow the fuck up but why should I have to get worked up and be the one to yet again be rocking the boat while he gets to say how demanding I am.

We had a big convo tonight which somehow ended up being about me not listening when he was talking about an actor in a film we were watching and how disrespectful I was being. 😑

Just didn't expect this, when I had terrible ms in first trimester he was fantastic at looking after me and did everything perfectly willingly. What can I do or say to get him to snap the fuck out of it??

TL;DR

1 week old baby, DH prefers to watch Netflix and play Xbox than microwave a tupperware to feed mum. Where can I get a cattle prod?

Also, what would happen if the women of this world demanded equivalent leeway due to the fact that they were not born knowing how to change a nappy. Would the babies just have to stay covered in poo?

I have to agree. I knew fuck-all about how to care for a baby when I gave birth. I can still remember the panic of being left alone overnight in the hospital with this THING that I basically didn't have a clue what to do with. But I bloody well learnt, and men should too. I had literally never changed a nappy before other than on a doll in an NCT session, but I managed not to screw it up somehow.

I wouldn't expect a new dad to automagically understand it all. I can still remember blowing up at DH for going off to Tesco by himself without telling me or asking me if I wanted to come/go instead. I had a baby on me 24/7 and literally wailed "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BLOODY RELAXING WALKING AROUND TESCO BY MYSELF WOULD BE?" But a new dad moaning about how he needed "alone time" and I wasn't listening to him talk about a film star (FFS) would be getting seriously short shrift, and thinking you might want some food made is not exactly rocket science.

A woman who does as little for the baby as some of these men do would be reported to SS as neglectful, or at least medicalised as suffering from MH issues. Nobody would be in the least interested in excusing her because it's a big change and she doesn't know what to do

This.

I love the way that men cleaning their own house and cooking their own family meals is described as being a servant and " waiting " on someone. The clear implication is that such work is demeaning for a person with a penis .

I am shocked that someone upthread said the OP should let her DH do his hobby 'to give her brownie points for later on'!

Speechless!

I have been in the bath for 3 hours and counting while my DH manages the household. My last child was born four and a half years ago.
Did I bugger batch cook while I was on maternity, despite having been previously a single man who lived on takeaway and coco pops my husband is not an idiot and could manage to construct a meal without my input.
As a couple we usually ask each other if we'd like anything if one of us is making a snack, regardless of whether one of us just expelled a human from our nethers. When he's ill I run around after him and make sure he has everything he needs because he's exhausted and in pain and I love him. Just as he does for me and did when I had carried and delivered his children.
He has his hobbies as I do mine, but these have changed for both of us as our previous hobbies didn't work well with our family life.
Everybody has to change and compromise when a baby arrives but the very minimum standard of loving someone is to be mindful of their needs and care for them when they are vulnerable. That's the minimum and he isn't meeting it. Not willingly or without making you feel guilty for needing his support. That's not on.

DH and I both had a huge learning curve as new parents. At the time he said 'the only thing I can't do is breastfeed.' He is not a domestic god but produced food and drinks, changed nappies, changed our sheets constantly I kept bleeding on them. He was completely programmed to bring me water every time I fed. I laughed when recently a friend was visiting, started feeding and DH just automatically got up and got her a glass of water without her even asking.

Wow thank you everyone for responses. Have not had chance to read them all yet but wanted to post update.

It is good news. Last night he did stay in our bed with LO and did get to experience what I actually do all night. This was spontaneous on his part.

Seems to have cracked the pissyness facade open for now so thank you to those who suggested it.

We had massive talk this morning where I point blank told him how alone I felt and compared to how great he was when I had terrible ms asked wtf was going on. He basically said with ms i was so clearly physically ill and a total wreck he had no choice but to take over. Whereas at the moment I am functioning although exhausted. Therefore he is awaiting instructions from me instead of using his initiative. He then gets annoyed at me 'telling him what to do'. He seems to see housework and cooking etc as some sort of all or nothing of one person being in charge rather than being on the same team

I suggested he see it as a team effort not some sort of weird adversarial win or lose. Have suggested this before however he seems to have a hard time getting it.

His main issue was my tone of voice when asking him to do things. (Yes did want to murder him at this point as I hate nagging and go to extremes to avoid it. I always ask nicely, say please and thank you for Every. Little. Thing. Even while fucking sleep deprived). I pointed out by waiting for me to tell him what to do he basically opts out of any responsibility and forces me into 'bad cop' role and that's not fair.

To the posters who suggested he is having a hard time dealing with the birth, yes it was tough. we were both in emotional lock down the first week as we both were coming to terms with the birth experience. We have talked it through a few times. I think he is processing it just takes time. Of course I don't see why he can't seem to push a broom around or make toast while processing. Why does it have to be hours on the sodding xbox?

So although he still hasn't really grasped about being on the same team, the air has been cleared massively and things feel a lot better.

For those wondering if this is a new thing or recurring issue, I'd say recurring however I did not expect it to recur for birth of first baby! He is perfectly capable of cooking and cleaning, has done in the past, did everything for 6 weeks during horrendous ms, knows where everything is etc. Before mat leave I was also working full time and the pissyness would crop up regularly. I have tried various tactics to get him to do his fair share. However being honest I have ended up doing 80 percent of everything as couldn't face the pissyness and ranting fallout for asking him politely to pull his weight.

I realise being afraid of his reaction is a form of emotional bullying and I allowed him to get away with it. I just wish he didn't shout and scream when I asked him to pull his weight. I hate arguing especially over pointless shit like housework. I've already lowered my standards considerably since living together, to save my own sanity. What I try to get done now is bare minimum. He doesn't seem to respect that though.

In future I guess I need to toughen up a bit and not be afraid of him throwing teddies out of the pram when I ask him nicely to spend 20 mins on chores. Maybe he will have some sort of epiphany if I scream and cry for long enough. I've never tried it. Sigh.

Oh and for posters wondering if I expected to be waited on hand and foot - nope... but making yourself food and not your wife who gave birth a week ago = dick move.

I suggest you read "wifework" it sounds like he's not actually been pulling his weight for some time if ever.

"Of course I don't see why he can't seem to push a broom around or make toast while processing."

I like your style, OP.

I'm sorry to hear he's such an arsehole.

And I'm ever more sorry to hear that you did 80% of housework before you had a child, when you both worked FT. Guess what percentage of hosuework , wifework and childcare you are going to be doing now, while you are on maternity leave ?

And guess what percentage you will be doing once you go back to work ?

Glad you had a good talk. These are early days. It sounds as if you both have lots of processing of the birth to do. Enjoy that precious baby!

Take the x-box to the charity shop for a start.

Read only your OP.
Put a lock on the freezer. Keep the key inside your clothes at all times.
Cancel Netflix subscription or accidentally break the laptop.
I would have broken DH's head had he behaved like this after our first baby together. I was given every meal on my bed while he was on paternity leave. Rightly so too.

Man child. Why can't he just fucking step up? I'm glad to say, mine is fully functioning re housework/cooking, but had a moment after a difficult period (for me, not him!) and told me he'd had a hard time. My face was given it was me in bother, not him. Why do some men find it so hard to step up to the challenge?

From a male point of view you can feel a little on the periphery at the beginning because the baby really only needs it's mother. Of course there are nappy changes, baths and pram walks etc. but I must admit a slight pang of jealousy watching the mother baby bond myself.
Maybe he feels a little on the outside or overwhelmed. Perhaps just nicely point out where he can assist (I know it should be obvious) and try and involve him a bit more in the bathing, feeding etc so he feels more of the team.
He really should step up to the mark and think of you a bit more. Getting a meal/snack for yourself without offerimg others is out of order in my book at anytime.
Did he participate much in the cooking, housework prior to you new arrival or is this all new.
You should both discuss what you are expecting obviously in the long term he requires time for his hobby and equally he needs to assist you and give you time on your own in order to achieve that.

Multiple dick moves OP.

I'm glad you're feeling better but wow... I don't like the sound of this guy very much.

realise being afraid of his reaction is a form of emotional bullying and I allowed him to get away with it. I just wish he didn't shout and scream when I asked him to pull his weight.

This isn't good OP. You don't deserve to be screamed at for pointing out he's not doing his fair share.

Your husband is a lazy, misogynist arsehole. I'm sorry you didn't realise this before you had a baby.

I would leave and go and stay with my mum. He is supposed to be caring for you and his child. Not an overgrown petulant child. He needs to grow the fuck up before he deserves an adult relationship of equals.

well jiggly just summed it up perfectly.

Ranting, shouting and screaming at being asked to pull his weight is severely out of order. You need to establish during reasonably calm moments that he needs to act like a normal adult and contribute both to looking after his child and running the household, especially when you're working full time. Then if or when he starts screaming, tell him calmly to grow up and cope with the normal responsibilities of adulthood, and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't pack it in. Also be prepared to tell him that until he does his share you won't be cooking or washing for him.

I'm well aware new dads can feel on the periphery and have been making sure he spends time alone with baby. Also being in same room together but baby on him not me, solo nappy changes, not commenting at all just hanging out. Touch wood that side of things is going well.

The more I read the responses the more I think how I would feel if a friend of mine had written my OP which was a moment of total desperation. I would be angry and appalled. I have to hang on to that because it is true, I have been ground down by his tantrums and it's not ok. Despite being frankly terrified of him when he loses his shit, I owe it to baby to be brave. As is said every day on MN, what my DS witnesses will form the blueprint for his future relationships and I don't want him growing up thinking our current dynamic is normal because frankly he would grow up to be a total prick.

I really hate being female sometimes, the posts about what if women needed time to learn how to look after babies would the babies just wait around for them e.g. to "process" were painfully spot on. Why will this double standard not just die, and how the fuck has it crept into my marriage ffs.

Thank you every one for your responses. I will keep this thread and re read it often to give me strength.

OP your last post is worrying, you shouldn't be living in fear of your husband. Pregnancy and post birth are high risk times for DA, his petulant attitude since giving birth and your fear of his temper are really bad signs. There was another post on here where a few weeks after the baby was born her partner became violent. Has he been violent before?

Oh, sweetheart. The problem is not you being female. It's that he is an arse.

"Despite being frankly terrified of him when he loses his shit, "

This is a huge red flag.

You should not ever feel terrified of your husband

If you, a grown woman, feels this way how do you think a defenceless child is going to react ?

The screaming and ranting sounds awful. No wonder you're terrified.

You can't bring up a child in this kind of environment :(

"Despite being frankly terrified of him when he loses his shit, I owe it to baby to be brave..."

Nope, Mystery, you owe it to your baby (and yourself) to be safe.

And I don't think that your baby (or you, for that matter) will be safe around someone who flies into terrifying rages when asked to behave like a responsible adult. As others have already pointed out, a lot of marital abuse begins either during pregnancy (when the man thinks that he has a woman trapped) or during the first few months of parenthood (when the man believes that he has the woman trapped because she'll instinctively want to keep her family unit together). And the more that he finds himself getting away with... the worse it will become.

You've admitted that you're terrified... not scared, not made worried by, but terrified... of your own husband.

That's not good.

That's not what marriage and/or a healthy relationship is supposed to be about.

That's certainly not what being co-parents is about.

"... As is said every day on MN, what my DS witnesses will form the blueprint for his future relationships and I don't want him growing up thinking our current dynamic is normal because frankly he would grow up to be a total prick."

If you allow this current dynamic to continue, your DS will grow up to not only think that his father's behaviour is completely normal/how men are supposed to behave (because you're right - your husband will set the markers for your baby to follow), but he will also grow up to believe that women are meant to live in fear, just to keep the peace and avoid the "pissyness".

Unless something drastically changes, Mystery, your child will believe that it is acceptable to bully women. To mistreat them. And no matter what you say, or do in an effort to counter that effect - if he grows up watching you allow your husband to terrify you, to bully you, to shout and scream and rant and rave... until you give in/up for the sake of a quiet life/family harmony, then that is how he will treat his future partners. His girlfriends. His wife. The mother of your grandchildren. Who will then emulate their father's behaviour, and so the cycle will continue...

Please break this cycle that you're in, Mystery. If not for yourself... then for your baby. Teach him that women are worthy of respect, by first respecting yourself enough to either issue an ultimatum to your husband that he seeks help and works to treat his issues... or by (and I hate to say this, but sometimes... it's necessary to do so!) leaving him. Because, and I say this with all due respect, your baby is worth better than this horrid situation he has been born into.

You deserve better.