How to get DH to snap out of it? 1 week old baby.

[Mysterycat23]

Sorry for epically long ranty post. Not sure where to post this so sorry if in the wrong place.

Recently had first baby 1 week ago. Baby totally fine, struggling with DH.

He has been sleeping the night in spare room while I do nights (bf) and then having baby while I cat nap through the day. However he rolls his eyes at me when I ask for food/drink or for him to do some housework. We have talked and he has said he needs time alone which he is ALREADY FUCKING HAVING while me and baby sleep in the day. He also mentioned wanting to go and do his hobby with mates which tbh I shut down by pointing out he was on paternity leave not on holiday. He's acknowledged it's wrong to go off doing hobby on pat leave but still in a huge piss.

What is fucking me off the most is the food thing. He is not even thinking "hmm lunch time = food". It will get to 2pm, he has not eaten or offered me lunch or even worse made himself a snack and not made anything for me. I'm having to remind/ask instead and then I'm rewarded with the eye roll and the pissyness. By the way the freezer is literally filled with batch cooked meals I bloody well made on mat leave.

I am finding it incredibly hurtful and disappointing. I just don't know what to do to get him to snap out of it. I'm at the point of thinking I will have to cry and scream to get him to grow the fuck up but why should I have to get worked up and be the one to yet again be rocking the boat while he gets to say how demanding I am.

We had a big convo tonight which somehow ended up being about me not listening when he was talking about an actor in a film we were watching and how disrespectful I was being. 😑

Just didn't expect this, when I had terrible ms in first trimester he was fantastic at looking after me and did everything perfectly willingly. What can I do or say to get him to snap the fuck out of it??

TL;DR

1 week old baby, DH prefers to watch Netflix and play Xbox than microwave a tupperware to feed mum. Where can I get a cattle prod?

It's the handmaidens arguing in favour of men doing nothing that makes me want to sob in a corner. Excusing it and explaining it just means they think it's fine.

Sorry op. I hope things go well for you

Hi ponies

Please don't use the 'r' word. You might want to report your post to MNHQ for editing as the rest of it was great.

motherinferior and not only that, but these women seem to think it's normal!!

I don't remember being waited on hand and foot, you can still do things, enjoy this first couple of weeks as a brand new family rather than expecting him to do everything hmm

Is this 1950??!!

And a week or baby and he wants do do his hobby? What is it out of interest? A ten minute run I'd find reasonable , hours on the golf course not so much.

I'd be screaming and shouting. Sorry he is being like this op

Diddl I was just responding to someone else upthread who seemed to think that dad making a couple of meals was doing more than his fair share. If OP is managing to snooze all day then more power to her! I would like to know her secret though. To be honest, any and all rest periods that a new mother manages to carve out for herself should be grabbed with both hands.

Yes it was shit HelenDenver.

And I divorced his abusive arse, but it took me a long time to realise that the H who I thought loved me more than anything in the world had turned on me. It's a huge shock. I didn't want to take over the thread with my story, and didn't want to be LTB voice of doom... but I want the OP to know that she is not alone - the first few weeks of your first baby is not all fluffy bunnies and rosie glows for everyone, or maybe anyone. I kinda wish someone had spotted this from the outside and given him a good talking to - unfortunately there was no-one on his side who could have fulfilled that role and I'm not sure I was in any state to ask for that help. I was just dazed, confused and post-CS. I had a health visitor, who looking back I think must have spotted something was going on as he wouldn't leave me alone to talk to her... but you don't know you're in it or that it's not going to get better tomorrow or the day after that.

I look back and weep for my poor confused, hopeful post-partum self.

Glad you are free, Hill

" If OP is managing to snooze all day then more power to her! "

Absolutely.

My newborn wasn't content with feeding regularly through the night, but wanted daytime feeds as well!

So chances of a few solid hours of sleep in the day also nil!

Send him back to work. Or at least tell him it's a choice, actually fucking help - housework, food, not being a cunt - or fuck off back to work.

Bluntness, given that your only contribution to this thread is two inaccurate, goady posts, what exactly are you aiming to achieve?

CouchSwede Tue 31-Jan-17 09:34:22
"Men can learn.

SHHHHHHHHHHHH some of them have been trying to keep this quiet for generations!!!"

Love this.

Seriously, you wonder how some of these men have been able to get, let alone retain a normal job. "Sorry boss, but you can't expect me to turn up on time in the first week: you have to understand that I need time to adjust".

Also, what would happen if the women of this world demanded equivalent leeway due to the fact that they were not born knowing how to change a nappy. Would the babies just have to stay covered in poo?

I made all sorts of mistakes as a new mother. Nobody went "ah poor diddums, you're only a woman, you don't have to deal with it if you don't feel confident".

babybarrister Tue 31-Jan-17 12:42:35
"Behaviour poor but it is very early days and whilst I totally understand your disappointment in him the reality is you are not alone and many men are crap initially but become great dads.... "

So what happens if the mum is crap initially? Will the baby just sit down and wait?

A woman who does as little for the baby as some of these men do would be reported to SS as neglectful, or at least medicalised as suffering from MH issues. Nobody would be in the least interested in excusing her because it's a big change and she doesn't know what to do.

Why are some men so shit at stepping up to the plate? Honestly?

I'd probably take a long hard look at how their parents treated them as kids, and what expectations they set for them whilst growing up.

And then make sure you don't replicate that with your sons (if you have them) so your future dil's aren't on MN in 20 years' time ranting about what an idiot your darling little cherub is

Diddl it's so tough. There's a reason why sleep deprivation is used as torture. Mine were the same. And even when they did go down for a few minutes, I was so anxious that I couldn't rest anyway. It's a feeling like no other being a new mum, isn't it? You just feel totally used up. Well I did anyway. I mean it's amazing and wonderful but it's difficult and I'm astonished that some people think that expecting a man to do more than his usual share of housework for a fortnight is unreasonable. I'm so glad my family doesn't work like that.

I was in total shock after having DD1. No damn way did I want to 'potter in the kitchen' or 'make a simple lunch'. What with having an entire human being hauled ignominiously out of my fanny and then placed at my leaky breast.

When I was sleep deprived after having ds, some of the load was lightened in the early days by my 68yo father who would get up early and change and wash him so I could just slip straight back into sleep after giving him the breast. Not all men are clueless...

Dh had to be back at work with early starts but still managed to run the household and be a hands-on dad.

Even my ex was more useful than him and he was shagging someone else on his final week of pat leave! He even brought the baby to me in the night when he needed feeding so I didn't have to get out of bed!

HelenDenverI am sorry if my use of thre r word offends, but it is used in its true sense. To move slowly, to impede or delay, to hinder progress. Not that a the OP a husband is mentally compromised.

Hmm. But you used it as a noun, not a verb.

I won't report your post but just one to consider.

MN seems to have experienced a lot of time travellers from the 1950s recently.

DH and I were both totally shell-shocked when we became parents for the first time. Fortunately, DH wasn't feeling physically fragile (and he's not a knob), so did most of the housework / cooking until I felt up to it.

I did need to say some thing explicitly, like "I'm hungry, can we have lunch soon?" and "When I feed I get really thirsty, please can you get me a drink?" because otherwise how would he know? I didn't know this stuff before having a new baby after all

Ponies, the verb 'to retard' is fine used as you describe in your latest post. that wasn't how you used it, however, in your original post and your use of it in that way was wholly unacceptable IMO.

Not to derail the thread, because I do agree with the rest of your post!