How to get DH to snap out of it? 1 week old baby.

[Mysterycat23]

Sorry for epically long ranty post. Not sure where to post this so sorry if in the wrong place.

Recently had first baby 1 week ago. Baby totally fine, struggling with DH.

He has been sleeping the night in spare room while I do nights (bf) and then having baby while I cat nap through the day. However he rolls his eyes at me when I ask for food/drink or for him to do some housework. We have talked and he has said he needs time alone which he is ALREADY FUCKING HAVING while me and baby sleep in the day. He also mentioned wanting to go and do his hobby with mates which tbh I shut down by pointing out he was on paternity leave not on holiday. He's acknowledged it's wrong to go off doing hobby on pat leave but still in a huge piss.

What is fucking me off the most is the food thing. He is not even thinking "hmm lunch time = food". It will get to 2pm, he has not eaten or offered me lunch or even worse made himself a snack and not made anything for me. I'm having to remind/ask instead and then I'm rewarded with the eye roll and the pissyness. By the way the freezer is literally filled with batch cooked meals I bloody well made on mat leave.

I am finding it incredibly hurtful and disappointing. I just don't know what to do to get him to snap out of it. I'm at the point of thinking I will have to cry and scream to get him to grow the fuck up but why should I have to get worked up and be the one to yet again be rocking the boat while he gets to say how demanding I am.

We had a big convo tonight which somehow ended up being about me not listening when he was talking about an actor in a film we were watching and how disrespectful I was being. 😑

Just didn't expect this, when I had terrible ms in first trimester he was fantastic at looking after me and did everything perfectly willingly. What can I do or say to get him to snap the fuck out of it??

TL;DR

1 week old baby, DH prefers to watch Netflix and play Xbox than microwave a tupperware to feed mum. Where can I get a cattle prod?

Hahaha, useless. Ugh paternity leave. My DH booked it and took it the first time....but baby was 3 weeks late so he was back working when it arrived. my Mum came to stay for 3 weeks and drove me crazy but fed me and Sid the laundry and cleaning which was amazing.

2nd time he took a week off and was pretty good coz he took the toddler out somewhere ach day. my Mum still came for 2 weeks and looked after me.

3rd time he just carried in with work, so did I hahaha.

If he is not really domesticated wither have a big rant or just accept it and carry on. Let him do his hobby thing as that can get you brownie points for later. Can someone come and help who is caring and domestic? Mum or mother in law, dad? Sister or brother. if not just get in with it. It is lovely if someone can coddle you for a few weeks after baby but if not you will still manage.

You can rant and rave and try to get him t be better but it might not work and could just frustrate you further. Also don't forget you get much more out of people by being nice and motivational so MUCHO gratitude and motivational speak if he does manage to bring you a cup of tea.

Yes, and you coudk just take to your bed for a few days...... And hope you con't starve.

Hasn't got a role except for servant

Oh yes, for a week or two he might actually have to, shock horror, manage the household and do some caring rather than being constantly cared for.

Some men are such utter selfish, self-centred manchildren. And women who excuse, enable and pander to it are just as bad.

I'm NOT AT ALL supporting the weird 1950s vibe that's happening on this thread, but:

The first days of a baby's life ARE weird, no doubt about it. Unfortunately shouting at him/clobbering him with a plank are not likely to have the desired effect (tempting though it must be). The baby will benefit from skin to skin contact from him too at this stage, so put him on the sofa with a bare chest and put the baby, naked too, on top of him. Then go and have a nap yourself. Do this around lunch time before he's had his lunch (DH not the baby). With luck this will serve the function of giving him some bonding time with the baby AND leaving him stranded under a sleeping baby when he's hungry. You could fix yourself a snack at this point.

I'm sorry he's being shit. If he is usually not like this it will be the shock of everything suddenly changing. There's no doubt he needs to man up though.

sarah I'm not sure either of us knew what to expect. I found breast feeding difficult and I was more exhausted from feeding than I could imagine. We had demanding visitors in the first hours home etc. I don't think he expected to need to pick up so much of my share of the household stuff as well.
He wasn't terrible by any means but it was just an example of a decent DH who struggled with adapting to the new reality.

I find a lot of these comments very insulting to my DP. If he'd only got a few days paternity leave and then it shared between others he'd be devastated. He was absolutely amazing in his time at home and I wouldn't have got through those first few weeks without him.

He'd stay awake all night next to me, making sure our DD was OK, so I could nod off while breastfeeding our DD on the sofa as I was too scared to co-sleep in our bed with her being so small, he'd wait on me hand and foot without me even hinting that I needed anything, he took on all the household chores, the food shopping, and would hold me while I cried with baby blues, he would've loved to have had the time off with our DD that I had, and next time we will definitely be sharing it, he deserves his time with a new baby as much as I do.

OP, maybe your DH is feeling lost and a bit like a spare part, but he needs to start pulling his weight, maybe you need to take a gently route with him and sit down and have a frank, serious, conversation with him. I think it's difficult to take things seriously is said in anger.

sarah I'm not sure either of us knew what to expect. I found breast feeding difficult and I was more exhausted from feeding than I could imagine. We had demanding visitors in the first hours home etc. I don't think he expected to need to pick up so much of my share of the household stuff as well.

Fair enough. I don't think I knew what to expect specifically from caring for a newborn either, although I did know it was going to be hard work! I was just somewhat intrigued by your phrasing, which seemed to suggest he expected it to literally be a holiday. I think my H and I were both shocked by the relentlessness of a newborn, but he didn't really struggle with picking up more of the household work.

So op.

According to the collective wisdom on here, you should go batshit at him rant and rave in front of your new born, before getting a large plank of plywood and beating the living daylights out of him, and when he's lying there in a bloody mess, get your health visitor to come and shout at him whilst you pack your bags and LTB.

At least you won't have to worry about getting your lunch provided, you'll get three squares a day in whatever prison or mental institution you end up in....

Ha, no. He certainly wasn't expecting a holiday! As you say it's relentless, neither of us had spent time with tiny babies. And he didn't expect me to be so floored by it. Nor did I.

Molly - I've just done a gigancit at your psot.

At this stage, being a parent is new to both of you - it's a gigantic role change in a relationship.

Yes, but OP is managing is well. Why isn't her h??

If he puts a nappy on wrong, say nothing and let him deal with the consequence.

How patronising.

Ask him to go to the shops and choose some sleepsuits/scratch mittens/helpful parenting book or whatever. He needs to be involved at this stage of the learning curve.

Argh!!!! But this is pointless make-work and won't actually help the OP at all! She doesn't need scratch mitts; she needs love, care, attention, tea and water while bfing, support, and her fucking meals - which she cooked - heated up.

Sometimes I think some men should be banned from all Xbox/PS/screen-related things. WTF did they waste their time on before they were invented???

Sorry, so cross I can't type!

Like offside, I think a lot of the posts are insulting to my DH who couldn't have helped more when our daughter was born. There is no way I could have handled the first month without him.

My baby wouldn't sleep when put down initially so we tag teamed on the sofa all night for 10 days so the other one could get some rest. He has always slept in the same room as us and helped with night waking if I was struggling. He really supported me all through breastfeeding and even after he went back to work, does his share (if not more) of the household chores and cooking.

To the poster who said that women do their hobbies on maternity leave, I can't see myself following my hobbies, I look after my daughter while he works full time. I will take her to activities but that is more for her and certainly not the same as me doing my pre-children hobbies. This doesn't bother me and I am happy to make all the sacrifices in the world for her but I just want to make the point that I am no longer following my hobbies either

Don't get me wrong, we have had our differences and a newborn does test you in ways you never imagined but when I look back at it, I remember how he looked after me and we managed it together.

I agree with having an open conversation where he does not feel like he is being accused (not saying that you accused him before). In our case, I find talking to him when I am calm and happy (not angry or emotional) works much better otherwise we just end up shouting at each other.

This thread makes me feel sad.

It reminds me how uncomfortable and unhappy the days after the birth of my dd were. I had an emergency CS and lots of support from my mum and friends, plus health visitor and midwives, but my H consistently undermined and continually questioned me. I didn't know what I was doing anyway, but he harangued me about every decision I made about her care. He never made a constructive suggestion himself, just picked holes in everything I did! I was spinning. It felt like he was always in my face and I couldn't master breastfeeding for weeks. I was made to feel a failure. I hated being left alone with him because I felt besieged and trapped by him in my own home. I knew it wasn't right but I didn't know where to turn. I was also ashamed in some way that it wasn't how it was 'supposed' to be.

I felt remiss. I had been so looking forward to our baby, and the idea that my H and me would be a happy team parenting dd was shattered. He he didn't worship me, he didn't hover with help and attentiveness. I was an impediment as far as he was concerned, somebody who wasn't good enough and wasn't going to be good enough.

I hate to rain on your parade, and congratulations by the way, but be aware that abuse can start at or around the birth of your child when you are absolutely at your most vulnerable. You need to stand up for yourself and you do need to tell friend and family how you are feeling. He needs to step up. It's not just about the odd cup of tea, it's a whole massive attitude problem and he needs to change it. Tell his parents/brother /sister how you're feeling. He needs to be told to put you first. That's his job right now.

Good luck.

According to the collective wisdom on here, you should go batshit at him rant and rave in front of your new born, before getting a large plank of plywood and beating the living daylights out of him, and when he's lying there in a bloody mess, get your health visitor to come and shout at him whilst you pack your bags and LTB.

Even though she's just had a baby, I dare say the OP is intelligent and compos mentis enough to distinguish between genuine suggestions, and metaphor and hyperbole. And she can rant and rave if she damn pleases, IMO.

To clarify, you do the nights with your child , but he does the days except breast feeding, is this right, and he also has to do the housework and make your meals?

Oops posted too soon! Is the implication with that comment that OP is a lazy mare just snoozing all day? Because in my experience of breastfeeding a week old baby, it was almost constant. The very bloody least my DH could do was take the baby between feeds to give me a quick breather.

Some of these comments are baffling. It's no wonder that some men are so useless when they are infantilised by their partners and wives. Things will never improve while women themselves view housekeeping and childcare as "wife work".

Its not hard for him to understand. It says in the NHS book that to help a breastfeeding mum they need plenty of drinks and snacks and rest. I am sure that goes for all women who have given birth a week ago. I think you need to talk to him OP because I am unsure where he got the idea that either of you would be getting much me time in the first month of having a baby. It sounds great but is unlikely to happen for you or him. And you need help. Which is what he agreed to be when he created a baby with you.

Oddly enough, when I'd just had my first baby my (male) partner 'managed the household' just fine. I had a horrible birth and staggered around feeling as if I'd been kicked in the stomach by a horse and stared at the baby in slightly horrified amazement...and he produced food and drinks and so forth because he is, you know, a competent adult who has many flaws but isn't actually mean, which a lot of these men do sound.

The alternatives to bashing him with a 2x4 and ltb offered here are to park him in a chair, put baby on top of him and go to bed for a nap, plus park baby on top of him while getting a meal together.... you can get baby bouncers to do that? OP might as well get him a play pen and accept she has two children to care for now.

Women are not born knowing how to change nappies and make meals and 'run the household'... they are raised to know when they can't do something they get up off their bums and learn because no one else is going to make excuses for them, run around after them, pick up the slack and perpetuate a culture that men must be coaxed, persuaded, enabled and applauded for any vague attempt at parenting. 98% of it is wife work.

How do intelligent women end up with these complete losers?!

"Is the implication with that comment that OP is a lazy mare just snoozing all day?"

Well to that I would say so what if she was as her husband who is sleeping through the night will be back to work in a couple of weeks anyway so why would he begrudge waiting on her for such a short time?

But he's not, is he?

He's not thinking about her at all!

Hillfarmer

That sounds shit. Are you still together?

I am genuinely taken aback by the number of women on MN whose male partners appear not to be able to do basic domestic stuff.

Me too, motherinferior.

I am as well, mother, and the number who enable and excuse this behaviour.

Goodness,even dh who can't cook a bean made sure we had food ! It's not hard to rustle up food. What a twat.