Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get DH to snap out of it? 1 week old baby.

255 replies

Mysterycat23 · 31/01/2017 04:39

Sorry for epically long ranty post. Not sure where to post this so sorry if in the wrong place.

Recently had first baby 1 week ago. Baby totally fine, struggling with DH.

He has been sleeping the night in spare room while I do nights (bf) and then having baby while I cat nap through the day. However he rolls his eyes at me when I ask for food/drink or for him to do some housework. We have talked and he has said he needs time alone which he is ALREADY FUCKING HAVING while me and baby sleep in the day. He also mentioned wanting to go and do his hobby with mates which tbh I shut down by pointing out he was on paternity leave not on holiday. He's acknowledged it's wrong to go off doing hobby on pat leave but still in a huge piss.

What is fucking me off the most is the food thing. He is not even thinking "hmm lunch time = food". It will get to 2pm, he has not eaten or offered me lunch or even worse made himself a snack and not made anything for me. I'm having to remind/ask instead and then I'm rewarded with the eye roll and the pissyness. By the way the freezer is literally filled with batch cooked meals I bloody well made on mat leave.

I am finding it incredibly hurtful and disappointing. I just don't know what to do to get him to snap out of it. I'm at the point of thinking I will have to cry and scream to get him to grow the fuck up but why should I have to get worked up and be the one to yet again be rocking the boat while he gets to say how demanding I am.

We had a big convo tonight which somehow ended up being about me not listening when he was talking about an actor in a film we were watching and how disrespectful I was being. 😑

Just didn't expect this, when I had terrible ms in first trimester he was fantastic at looking after me and did everything perfectly willingly. What can I do or say to get him to snap the fuck out of it??

TL;DR

1 week old baby, DH prefers to watch Netflix and play Xbox than microwave a tupperware to feed mum. Where can I get a cattle prod?

OP posts:
CommonFramework · 31/01/2017 08:43

Netflix, Xbox and hobbies? What a selfish twat.

OP, congratulations on your new baby!

What was Dh like round the house and generally before your baby?

You've had some good advice on here. Mine would be rude. I'd be raging. And tearful.

MollyHuaCha · 31/01/2017 08:50

Hi OP, congratulations on yr new baby Star. At this stage, being a parent is new to both of you - it's a gigantic role change in a relationship. Get him involved as much as poss before you become the baby expert. If he puts a nappy on wrong, say nothing and let him deal with the consequence. When baby needs feeding, you can ask him to help you get baby latched on and ask him to rub baby's back afterwards. Ask him to go to the shops and choose some sleepsuits/scratch mittens/helpful parenting book or whatever. He needs to be involved at this stage of the learning curve.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2017 08:51

Fuckin' hell, I see a time capsule from the 1950s has been opened.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2017 08:54

There's always a fucking "hobby" isn't there ?

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 08:56

"If he puts a nappy on wrong, say nothing and let him deal with the consequence. "

Christ. If he can put one foot in front of the other, surely he can put a nappy on right?

HelenDenver · 31/01/2017 08:56

But given he makes himself a snack and not one for op, perhaps he can't put one foot in front of the other.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2017 08:57

Yep, AF. And legions who recommend getting another woman in to do the wifework because that's what us pussies do.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2017 08:59

I didn't know how to look after a baby anymore than DH did when DD1 was born. Funny how we were both able to figure out how to put on a nappy Hmm.

diddl · 31/01/2017 09:06

"To clarify, you do the nights with your child , but he does the days except breast feeding, is this right, and he also has to do the housework and make your meals?"

What's wrong with that?

The baby is a week old, so if Op is bfeeding, he's not really doing anything with the baby in the day either, is he?

She gave birth a week ago so why shouldn't he cook for her & look after the house for a couple of weeks?

ScrambledSmegs · 31/01/2017 09:07

I don't know how to get him to 'snap out of it', OP, because it sounds like this is who he is. People can't snap out of their personalities.

Personally I'd chuck him out until he grew up, but that may be a little extreme for you.

PopcornBits · 31/01/2017 09:09

This is simple really.
You tell him how utterly and incredibly hard it is to be a single parent, and look after yourself at the same time.
If he moans, or says you're not a single parent, you say yes I am, as far as I'm aware you're just a lodger in this house.
You then tell him to never expect anything to be made or washed for him again, as you can only look after yourself and baby from now on, you're just too tired.

And then stick to that. Don't depend on him to make you lunch, as hard as it is, just don't bother looking after him anymore, make him do his own washing and his own good.
I had the same problem with my own DH, he would take baby downstairs leave her to one side of the room get his headset out and play Xbox. He would fully ignore her cries until I got out of a bed and came down to sort her out.
He has only really just begun to realise there is more to parenting than doing the odd nappy. And btw, she's 4 now. Yes, it took that long.
Don't expect anything from your DH. Focus on you and baby. Good luck x

PeterVincentVampireKiller · 31/01/2017 09:10

FFS some of the posts on this thread piss me off. My DP managed to remember that when he ate I might want to eat too same as he does all the time, not just when we had a newborn. Even DSS who was 11 at the time kept asking me if I wanted a drink or anything to eat while I was breastfeeding. Being male doesn't preclude you from having any sense.

sarahnova69 · 31/01/2017 09:15

I think paternity leave creates problems. The woman thinks she should be looked after and the man hasn't got a clue what to do to help. He has to sit looking at his wife feeding and cuddling whilst he is expected to suddenly understand how the household is managed and look devotedly at mother and child. He hasn't really got a role except as servant.

Oh, fuck right fucking off. So caring for HIS WIFE WHO JUST GAVE BIRTH makes a man a "servant"? And the arrogant, nasty, complacent woman "thinks she should be looked after"? How dare she.

Poor, clueless Daddy - how could he possibly know how to bring the woman who is breastfeeding around the clock a glass of water and a piece of microwaved lasagna? He shouldn't be expected to understand taps! How could he even know where the forks are kept? WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE MEN?

MollyHuaCha · 31/01/2017 09:15

Putting on a nappy right...

Ok, so I'm the only one whose DH has put on a nappy too loose so poo squirted out all over the Moses basket? Or a DH who forgot to fan out the frilly bits at the bottom of the nappy, which led to dirty clothes? And the only one with a DH who forgot to point baby's winkie down and the consequence was a baby with a wet tummy? My DCs are all teens now, so nappy technology may have moved on to make these things not possible!

Somehowsomewhere · 31/01/2017 09:20

MollyHuaCha no my DH didn't, but I did!

anonymice · 31/01/2017 09:24

I also put a nappy on backwards. I took it off and put it back on the right way round. Men can learn. They aren't a special species. Some of the replies on this thread sound like something out of an anti suffragette pamphlet.

CouchSwede · 31/01/2017 09:31

somehow somewhere ditto! I think both of us made these rookie mistakes at the start to be honest. Because I, despite having been born female, had no idea about nappies until I had a baby of my own. Shocking eh? We muddled through somehow.

hatethegame · 31/01/2017 09:32

Bluntness - yes, like OP will have to when he returns to work, only on ZERO SLEEP!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 31/01/2017 09:33

How do you get DH to snap out of it?

I'd say a bit of 2x4 should just about do it, but if you're feeling up to it a bit of 4x6 is even better.

What was he like before you had the baby?

Helspopje · 31/01/2017 09:33

Ok. Potentially unpopular post here but....
My dh was undoubtedly traumatised by the delivery of our first child. I dont really remember a great deal about it but he definitely does 7y on. He found my being totally unlike my usual capable self hard to fathom (was weepy and completely out to lunch for at least a week) and neither of us knew wtf to do with a baby never mind one that barely quit crying. Add to that that he is a bit of a spanner on the kitchen and a snacker rather than a meal eater like me and it was clearly never going to pan out well.

He really needed the headspace of a bit of time out.

Fortunately it was summertime and a week ish in we worked out that he could push the pram outside (where the crying doesnt seem to bounce off the walls as badly), i started to feel a bit better and more mobile and we found a rhythm.

I do think it can take a while to work out how to play the new normal and a week isnt long at all. By all means shout and get angry (but bear in mind that he may be pissed off/scared/unsure too) and hopefully you will both muddle through well enough to work out a solution that will work for you.

CouchSwede · 31/01/2017 09:34

Men can learn.

SHHHHHHHHHHHH some of them have been trying to keep this quiet for generations!!!

Fortunately many of them are competent, independent human beings who are always keen to learn new skills and are not afraid to do their share of the work and take part in family life.

ExplodedCloud · 31/01/2017 09:34

Setting aside the trip to the 1950s...

DH was a bit huffy about having to do stuff on paternity leave. My midwife came round and gave him the "In many parts of the world new mothers would be expected to do nothing but bf, cuddle the baby and sleep for a few weeks so pull yourself together" speech. So he did and was great thereafter. He had no yardstick to judge my level of activity against. Neither did I to be fair.

sarahnova69 · 31/01/2017 09:41

DH was a bit huffy about having to do stuff on paternity leave.

Genuine question, Exploded: what was he expecting?

MuMuMuuuum · 31/01/2017 09:44

Congratulations OP Flowers

My advice is it's time to set your stall out and be firm. Have that horrible conversation which may involve tears and let him know exactly how he makes you feel, how you see him and what is expected of him. It's time he steps up.

It shouldn't have to come to this but it has. Children are hard work and your life is transformed (with lots of lovely benefits also). If he thinks he can faff around on Xbox and Netflix and not pull his weight you need to put a pin in that now.

SpookyPotato · 31/01/2017 09:46

This is awful and really frustrating to read, why is he being like this? You've been through pregnancy and birth/section and now adjusting to a newborn, he should be taking care of you.