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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I hadn't seen this. WWYD?

287 replies

Bamboofordinneragain · 28/01/2017 17:43

A bit of background - we have a friendship group of five other couples, all late forties/early fifties, DC grown and gone in most cases. We have all been close for many years.
So, last week I had a meeting in a town some distance from home. Meeting over, I was having coffee in a cafe before heading back to work. The cafe was on the first floor, overlooking the market square. Giving me a birds eye view of two of our group, hand in hand, happy as Larry, walking through the market. You will guess the next bit...

Two of my oldest friends, not married to each other, out on an awayday. I felt sick. Still do. I had no idea either marriage was rocky, although her DH can be very difficult. I haven't told anybody about this, and my gut feeling is not to. My DH doesn't know, and I hate keeping stuff from him. The man involved is his closest friend in the group, so maybe he knows and hasn't told me?
But WWYD? I am very unwilling be the one who escalates this any further - things surely can't end well in any case, so what good would telling anybody do? But if it was my DH would I want to know? I just want to hibernate for a while...

OP posts:
Revealall · 29/01/2017 20:54

The reason a letter is a bad idea is that it implies some sort of judgment by the sender.
As people say you never know about people's marriages. The op in her silence is also suggesting something is underhand and is being complicit Being honest about what she knows implies nothing other than what she has seen.

Gingerbreadlass · 29/01/2017 20:59

I think playing God and dropping the bomb when both couples are in a room would be cruel beyomd belief.

I am against telling them because I have seen something very similar played out in a group of friends and both couples chose to stay together, both channelled all their anger and hurt feelings to "shoot said messenger" as there was also the element of loss of face at play. Both women independent of each other singled out the poor lady who raised the issue and directed so much hatred at her that she moved her youngest daughter to another school and not long after this incident the family relocated.

Gingerbreadlass · 29/01/2017 21:02

I would also like to add: in dubio pro reo as all that was seen was two people holding hands, it's hardly like the OP walked in on them shagging. Can we please keep the perspective and not compare this to people dying or houses being on fire.

Offred · 29/01/2017 21:04

Well my great gran did die of HPV related cervical cancer very young because of her husband's cheating....

whatsthepointofmorgan · 29/01/2017 21:06

I think suggesting that OP may have to move school and house, hell maybe even the country Grin is also a bit of over dramatization.

Dinnerout1 · 29/01/2017 21:07

I would tell your husband what you have seen at the end of day he's your best friend and he will support you in anything. To keep it to yourself may bring on problems in the future as you may see this affair happen again and again.. Least you could talk to your husband about it and share opinions and views in it then feel trapped in a web all by yourself. Your going to feel really uncomfortable seeing everyone out knowing what these two are upto. I wouldn't tell them you know what they are doing because they may bring you into it when it finally comes out. X

whatsthepointofmorgan · 29/01/2017 21:11

Cheats must hate reading threads like this.
It would make me break out in a cold sweat.
Lets face it, no matter how careful you think you are being, somebody somewhere will eventually see you.
An affair is a time bomb that has the potential to blow up in your face at any time. --probably the risk is part of the attraction, initially.
But, all it takes is for ONE person to see you and that for that ONE person to blab to another person.
BOOM!

Makes you wonder whether the fall out would be worth it Hmm

Specialagentblond · 29/01/2017 21:19

It's a tough one OP.

If you do decide to take it further then maybe give the ones who are having an affair an opportunity to explain what you saw, and then tell their spouses.

I think your loyalty must lie with the injured party, and they must know what you saw. However, if you tell them directly, you may be giving news that they may already know, or they might not believe you, so be prepared for a degree of fallout.

If you approach the two who are having an affair, they may just deny point blank that it was them, and call you a liar. People can be nasty when backed into a corner, and these are not the people you think they are. So be ready.

I have a similar circle of friends, and if I was told my husband was having an affair with a friend of mine, and you told me what you saw, I think i would not believe you straight away, then try and explain it away - you must have been mistaken, they weren't holding hands it must have looked that way, I'm sure he was working that day etc. If I were,to approach the innocent friends then I would say I have a strong suspicion, and they need to ask their spouse to explain, or need to investigate a bit more.

I wouldn't sit on it though,because it will come out.

honeyroar · 29/01/2017 21:21

Gingerbreadlass, my comparison of turning the other cheek when a partner is cheating and not helping when a house was on fire was because lots of people were saying "not your business" and I was saying when was a friend having a hard time your business.

And from someone who was cheated on and lied to for months, the meeting up, the hand holding and the fact that friends knew and said nothing hurt much more than the fact that he had shagged someone...,

skinnyamericano · 29/01/2017 21:28

I'm afraid you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Either way your friendships will never be the same again (I'm sorry to be so negative).

I'd be inclined to tell whichever party I was closest to, but be prepared to get a bad reaction. I'm sorry you find yourself in such a crap situation.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 29/01/2017 22:01

So he's going to tell the man, does that mean you have to tell the woman?

Original poster
Bamboofordinneragain · 29/01/2017 22:23

I don't honestly know. I think we will see what happens tomorrow - I hope my DH will get some sort of honesty from his friend, and the two of them will be able to decide what to do, knowing that we know. DH has a fairly strong bullshit detector, so here's hoping for a not too terrible outcome.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 30/01/2017 08:27

I would talk to the two I'd seen holding hands and taken it from there. I wouldn't keep an affair quiet though but I'd give them a chance to explain.

A friend knew that there was a strong chance of my ex cheating on me as he came on to her whilst I was pregnant with his child (and in hospital!). Though I understand why she wouldn't tell a Pg woman, I wish she'd told me. I wouldn't have sold my house and relocated to where he was from etc .

jrhartleysfishingblog · 30/01/2017 09:36

If the choice is to tell, isn't the dilemma whether to potentially perpetuate the deception by telling the cheaters what you saw (giving them the opportunity to cover their tracks), or pick what I suggest is the kinder course of telling those cheated on, thus giving them the upper hand for once in what is otherwise a very bum rap?

LaunchParty · 30/01/2017 11:25

Just mind your own business! Honestly. Yes tell your husband of course but then just stop meddling.

alltouchedout · 30/01/2017 11:29

I would tell, because if this was being done to me, i would want to know. I would feel sick at the thought of friends knowing DH was having an affair and not telling me.

Bloody horrible situation for you, OP.

MommaGee · 30/01/2017 11:48

for good men to do nothing."

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. Edmund Burke

AddToBasket · 30/01/2017 11:53

I think there's quite a lot of evidence that evil can be done by opening your mouth too Hmm. Just have a glance at the news.

MommaGee · 30/01/2017 12:02

No one is disputing that saying something is only ever good, its more a reflection on people looking the other way and thinking its not my business.

ImpetuousBride · 30/01/2017 12:17

I disagree with the majority of posters have saying you should forget what you saw or telling your husband only. If my husband had an affair and an old/close friend of mine knew but told me nothing it would hurt even more. I would always want to know, and I feel for the poor woman and man whose spouses are happily cheating behind their backs, pretending to be just friends at social functions involving all the families. It's so humiliating.

jrhartleysfishingblog · 30/01/2017 12:29

Humiliating and downright cruel. Where's their sense of justice?

CallMeMaybe · 30/01/2017 12:49

I wouldn't be telling the other partners and I wouldn't be giving ultimatums. Because the reality is that no-one really knows what goes on in any relationship, and while seeing two people holding hands looks dodgy on the face of it, anything could be going on. E.g. The couples may in fact be divorcing but not yet ready to tell their friends as they're still sorting out assets etc, and in the meantime they may have got together, or the divorce may be because of the affair but the partners already feel humiliated enough without others in their friendship groups knowing the score. As for issuing threats and ultimatums, none of us are judge and jury, and how ever would you enforce it anyway?

What. Would do however would be to approach one of the two friends and ask them what was going on, tell them that I'd seen them so whatever it is, it's only a matter of time before someone sees them and tells their partners. It might not stop the affair but at the very least if they thought that an affair could happen unseen it might make them think at least.

But the OP isn't responsible for anyone. And her having seen what she saw does not make her complicit in any way.

And IME affairs in these kinds of friendship groups are common. A lot more common than people realise.

BackToBasics1808 · 30/01/2017 12:50

Sorry Op - this has really put you in a difficult position.

In the first instance I think I would tell them both that they were seen (DH tells his friend you tell woman) preferably separate and this gives them chance to defend / admit to anything without a cover story being in place as such and you will be able to tell from their reaction if its lies

At that point then you can decide if its down to you or them to tell their partners as if its innocent there is no reason not to mentioned they were together in town etc

Imagine if your friend came on here saying she had been told that DH had been seen holding hands with another woman friend of a close circle - there would be a lot of comments such as 'leave him' and its 'an affair' yet currently on this thread a lot of people are saying to ignore it

It seems to have given you something to think about / worry about - therefore natural for you to want to know a bit more to make sure none of your circle of friends get hurt - by discussing it with them you are not throwing around any un-necessary accusations simply pointing out what you have seen and confirming its innocence.

I would rather my friends acted than ignore it for me to find out later they had their concerns and never raised them or did anything about it

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/01/2017 13:07

LaunchParty How exactly is the OP "meddling". She's come here asking for advice in a very difficult situation. Hardly meddling Hmm

user1479305498 · 30/01/2017 13:25

If its all above board then the friend should have no issue in saying matter of factly to the OP (same with the husband his friend) we are in process of divorcing but wanted to keep it quite at moment. Their reactions will tell you all you need to know and its up to them then what they do with that knowledge that you know if its not above board I think things will move "quite quickly"