Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I hadn't seen this. WWYD?

287 replies

Bamboofordinneragain · 28/01/2017 17:43

A bit of background - we have a friendship group of five other couples, all late forties/early fifties, DC grown and gone in most cases. We have all been close for many years.
So, last week I had a meeting in a town some distance from home. Meeting over, I was having coffee in a cafe before heading back to work. The cafe was on the first floor, overlooking the market square. Giving me a birds eye view of two of our group, hand in hand, happy as Larry, walking through the market. You will guess the next bit...

Two of my oldest friends, not married to each other, out on an awayday. I felt sick. Still do. I had no idea either marriage was rocky, although her DH can be very difficult. I haven't told anybody about this, and my gut feeling is not to. My DH doesn't know, and I hate keeping stuff from him. The man involved is his closest friend in the group, so maybe he knows and hasn't told me?
But WWYD? I am very unwilling be the one who escalates this any further - things surely can't end well in any case, so what good would telling anybody do? But if it was my DH would I want to know? I just want to hibernate for a while...

OP posts:
Offred · 29/01/2017 12:31

Cobweb - it's the affair that results in the marriage going shit and divorce though isn't it?

It isn't people finding out about the affair.

And if you think telling someone you refuse to be made complicit in their affair is telling them how to live their life I think that's a weird POV.

No-one can expect other people to keep their secrets for them and I probably wouldn't be too fussed about losing a friend that felt entitled to cheat and lie to their partner and entitled to me keeping it a secret.

JellyWitch · 29/01/2017 12:31

I would tell my husband but i don't keep anything from him. But I wouldn't blow their cover - not my business to.

Doowappydoo · 29/01/2017 12:39

I have to say my first instinct would be to try and "un see" it and tell myself it's not my business and who knows what would be unleashed etc etc. Thinking about this I think this would be motivated by a partly selfish desire not to rock the boat and cowardice at not wanting to have to have that conversation.

My conclusion is that you have to put yourselves in the shoes of the innocent party and think what you would want to happen. I would want to know, I wouldn't want my friends knowing and talking about it behind my back and I certainly wouldn't want anyone to confront my cheating partner about it without my knowledge. I would tell both partners what you saw and I would do it as soon as you can. Sorry - what a shit situation to be in Flowers

Original poster
Bamboofordinneragain · 29/01/2017 13:01

Shit situation indeed. But has made me realise that my often taken for granted DH is a bit of a diamond. After many years you kind of forget that one of the really important things is to have each others' backs when things like this happen. I've had a whole morning listening to the tennis, and reading everyone's thoughts on here. And had a huge cry when Federer won, what a sap...

OP posts:
MinniesAndMickeysNeedCounting · 29/01/2017 14:02

I get your dilemma, I would hate to be be in your position but, if I put myself as the wronged spouse I'd want to be told, it would be worse knowing my friends knew and said nothing.

I feel it's the partners that need to be told, not giving the pair in the affairs a heads up.

furlinedsheepskinjacket · 29/01/2017 14:26

this has happened twice recently in my family and in ex dhs

both times i was told - once by dh and once by dd who were the witnesses

they told no one else as far as i know

and apart from a bit of blimey etc etc between ourselves we have never said a word

you kind of have to forget you have seen it

Wollery · 29/01/2017 15:48

Surely if one or both of the hand holders are told, they will just be more discreet in the future, not end the affair (if there is an affair)

SugarLoveHeart · 29/01/2017 15:55

My husband was walking through the city a few days ago & saw his brother dining with a young female companion. He didn't say a thing, just told me. But when he went to visit his mother, she said that brother had phoned her & said he'd seen my husband in town. Told her that he was having lunch with a colleague. Covering his ass, incase my husband mentioned it at home. He just nodded and said, yeah I saw him. Nothing else. Feel awful for his brother's wife...

AddToBasket · 29/01/2017 16:02

I wouldn't tell, mainly because I never ever want to be part of the fall out from the drama. These types of revelations can have huge impact on the mental and physical health of everyone involved.

What if they are going to tell but are waiting for one of the DC to take critical exams? Or if the DP of one is close to breakdown and would be suicidal, etc, etc? Even if I wanted the wronged spouses to know, it would be impossible for me to know what impact my timing would have.

Agree that you are right to tell you husband. But I'd leave it there. And when/if it all comes out just pretend you had absolutely no idea.

jrhartleysfishingblog · 29/01/2017 16:29

It was said upthread, and really worth repeating IMO about the years stolen from a person's life whilst their partner has an affair. Add to that the STI threat, the family money spent secretly and the fact that other people now know about their spouse's affair, and I for one would be furious at being kept in the dark any longer. Even more furious when I realised that my 'friends' who knew were too cowardly to tell me , I have done nothing wrong and have been unknowingly living a lie - unless by some amazing coincidence both parties are in open marriages?

You have a responsibility now, OP, and it is to the innocent parties who up until now have counted you as a friend. A friend does not keep a secret that will emotionally and materially affect the life of the people being cheated on. Step up, be the bearer of truth and remember the aftermath is not in your hands.

HappyJanuary · 29/01/2017 16:48

Yes impossible to tell what the impact of telling will be.

But very certain impact of doing nothing : two innocent spouses wasting years of life on a pair of cheating bastards.

Generally speaking, telling the truth is always the best option in the long term.

notyetpastit · 29/01/2017 16:57

Having been in the situation of being lied to for many years it really hurt to find out that friends knew what I didn't.

Guitargirl · 29/01/2017 17:00

Sugar - could your BIL's story not be true then? Why assume she wasn't a colleague? (Unless he has form for cheating?)

SugarLoveHeart · 29/01/2017 17:04

Guitargirl, he's a bit of a sort... My husband knew at a glance what was going on. The marriage is in trouble, but I don't know much else.

Guitargirl · 29/01/2017 17:06

Ah - I see. Rubbish position for you and your DH to be in now that your BIL's been spotted. Much like the OP.

Cheeselady123 · 29/01/2017 17:12

i don't think you should say anything, "shoot the messenger" springs to mind.

SugarLoveHeart · 29/01/2017 17:27

Not going to say anything. Have no idea what goes on behind closed doors with them. It's their marriage.

jrhartleysfishingblog · 29/01/2017 18:05

Not going to say anything. Have no idea what goes on behind closed doors with them. It's their marriage.

I guess that makes saying nothing alright then, SLH.
Would it change your mind if it was domestic abuse and you saw the wounds?

Gingerbreadlass · 29/01/2017 18:11

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I'd keep well out of it all but would tell your DH if you trust him to stay quiet.

It's not your fault you saw anything and it might have ramifications for you and your DH's place in that group.

Gingerbreadlass · 29/01/2017 18:12

What cheeselady said above #shootthemessenger

Offred · 29/01/2017 18:14

Does it really matter if you get shot as the messenger though?! It's at that point I would start thinking 'not my circus, not my monkeys' and extricate myself.

I think my discomfort at being the shot messenger is not more important than someone potentially being lied to and cheated on because I chose to ignore knowing.

OldLibrary · 29/01/2017 18:15

I would tell your dh and tell her.

I've been the bs. It was awful to find out, but so good to know I wasn't mad,

MommaGee · 29/01/2017 18:15

you kind of have to forget you have seen it
No, you can choose to take the easy road and protect yourself but you're betraying your friend. What happens when it cones out? Fake surprise? Admit you knew? You're complicit in the hurt being caused

MommaGee · 29/01/2017 18:22

What if they are going to tell but are waiting for one of the DC to take critical exams? Or if the DP of one is close to breakdown and would be suicidal, etc, etc?
Then perhaps stop sleeping around if you're so worried!

MommaGee · 29/01/2017 18:24

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Its depressing to think my close friends, who I've been through thick and thin with, would ever feel this way about my emotional and physical wellbeing.