I wish I hadn't seen this. WWYD?

[Bamboofordinneragain]

A bit of background - we have a friendship group of five other couples, all late forties/early fifties, DC grown and gone in most cases. We have all been close for many years.
So, last week I had a meeting in a town some distance from home. Meeting over, I was having coffee in a cafe before heading back to work. The cafe was on the first floor, overlooking the market square. Giving me a birds eye view of two of our group, hand in hand, happy as Larry, walking through the market. You will guess the next bit...

Two of my oldest friends, not married to each other, out on an awayday. I felt sick. Still do. I had no idea either marriage was rocky, although her DH can be very difficult. I haven't told anybody about this, and my gut feeling is not to. My DH doesn't know, and I hate keeping stuff from him. The man involved is his closest friend in the group, so maybe he knows and hasn't told me?
But WWYD? I am very unwilling be the one who escalates this any further - things surely can't end well in any case, so what good would telling anybody do? But if it was my DH would I want to know? I just want to hibernate for a while...

'It's not your fault you saw anything and it might have ramifications for you and your DH's place in that group'

Heaven forbid the dinner party invitations should dry up.

I can understand someone agonising over whether to tell or not but just so depressing and saddening to think that one's social standing in a friendship group should be one of the top thirty considerations.

To those advocating protecting yourselves and not telling...

Can you honestly say that you'd hope that your friends would not tell you if your DH was having an affair.

Of course it's hard to do the right thing. You don't know what somebody else's marriage is like which is why both people in that marriage have a right to know to make that decision for themself.

No need to attack or mock posters for the views they hold.

The OP has asked and lots of different opinions have been expressed.

These two people have been friends with the OP and her husband for 20years plus and their lives and that of their children will have been intertwined and memories and stories have been shared.

At 40 late, 50 plus I would think people have a lot to lose after decades of friendship. I don't mean to be cynical with my comments and I would not feel I could judge people and tell them how to live their lives.

I think people that would turn their backs and do nothing are not very good friends. The "not my problem" brigade are just taking the easy option. Yes you're perhaps preventing them getting hurt (at this present moment), but you're also not helping them, just leaving them in the shit, so to speak. Would you also ignore it if their house was on fire too, as its not your house, not your problem? And then when they do find out and are upset will you pretend you didn't know and act like you're there for them and a good friend? When really you're a bit of a fake..

You have a responsibility now, OP, and it is to the innocent parties who up until now have counted you as a friend.

No, this is wrong ^.

I completely understand why people want to put the burden on those around them. I can understand how hurt they would be to find out that other people knew. But that isn't the same as the OP being obliged. That's a logical and moral fallacy.

The OP is not responsible in any way for other people's consenting adult relationships. Her responsibility to the cheated-on spouses is completely up to her - she can choose to not interfere.

Isn't the point people are trying to make really that the moral obligation they feel there is to tell comes from the fact that where cheating is concerned the betrayed partners are being deprived of really important information required for them to freely consent?

Rather than it being a binary choice, what about sending the good old reserve of the fearful of consequences, the anonymous letter? It doesn't have to be horrific to receive if worded in a very sympathetic way. One each for the wronged DH and the wronged DW and you may feel better without being in the firing line if it all goes horribly pear shaped. Just an idea.
The downside (there are probably others) is the recipient will always wonder who it was that sent it which is an unsettling thing for them but I would rather that than be cheated on or worse, cheated on and some of my valued friends knew about it.

They may be without information - but that doesn't mean that someone else is obliged to tell them.

Whenever these threads come up, cheated on spouses come on to say how awful it is to learn that other people knew. As though that should trump any feeling and concerns that the friend should have. It doesn't. The friend is entitled to do what is best for them, including not wanting to lob a grenade into their friendship group.

Well some people may not feel morally obliged to tell. They might feel morally obliged not to tell in fact.

But still people's morals are different and what they feel obliged to do other people may feel obliged not to do. Doesn't mean some people don't feel there is a moral obligation to tell or that that is inherently illogical or incoherent.

not wanting to lob a grenade into their friendship group.

In my view, the handholders have done that already and the pin is out.

Offred - your post is like reading a Two Ronnies sketch

I am tired!

Maybe have a quiet word with the woman and tell her what you saw. Tell her you are not judging her / them, but at the very least, they need to be more discreet.

Collude in their deceit?
Not nice.
Especially for the two spouses being kept in the dark.

If another of your close friendship group knew that your DH was having an affair with one of your best friends, would you want them to tell you?

Exactly.
I would like to know that my 'friend' (you OP) cared enough about me to let me in on the picture.

My marriage ended because of an affair. If I thought that one of my close friends knew and didn't tell me, I would be devastated. If I thought that one of my close friends suggested he be more discreet I think I would want to kill that friend.

It's sad that the whole group would rather banned together and keep quiet, rather than tell the friend.

band.

things are rarely black and white in relationships

yes there are loads of mners on these boards who have been cheated on but that isnt always the outcome imo

one of the incidents witnessed by my family would indicate our suspicions of an alternative income in the family are in fact true :) not a close family member so i am really not emotionally invested

the other incident could now, with the benefit of hindsight, have been the beginning of the end of that relationship - as that couple have now amicably parted and share a child

this is real life not a soap opera :)
i really don't think the anonymous letter is a very good idea either

There could be a lot more to this - perhaps they have open relationships you don't know about? But personally, if my OH was cheating on me and my friends knew and didn't say anything, I would be absolutely fuming!

Come off it!
If it were really an 'open' relationship and both partners are OK with it, then why the need to go 30 odd miles away.
Why the need to sneak around.

people do sneak around as they don't want their friends or family to find out about their open relationships

ust told DH. He has gone for a run to think it all through

Sure he didn't already know and has gone for a run in order to phone his friend and give him the low down that he's been sprung.

You'd be surprised at the number of men who will keep quiet about a friend's affair.

It's not the truth that hurts people though it's the lies. Having the truth means you know what you are dealing with.
I'd tell them when they are all together that you saw them. They have no time to work out a story or more bullshit. Then it's done and everyone can deal with it as appropriate.
If you are all friends you have to go through the horrible choosing sides process as well when it all blows up. Much easier if you gauge the situation there and then with all parties present.

Collude in their deceit. Not nice.

Ffs. The OP is not colluding - she has hardly offered them her spare room. She saw them. No one else knows. She is wondering what to do next. It is solipsitic twisting to decide the OP has done anything wrong.

To those people suggesting they're in open relationships or that their spouses are aware.

If that's the case there is nothing to fear from either approaching the hand holders themselves or their spouses; they will say that everyone is on board and that there's no problem.

Or maybe it is simply that some people actually, for logical, easily explicable and coherent reasons, feel that choosing not to tell makes someone complicit in the lies.

It isn't an outlandish proposition. It is the same basis as the duty to report knowledge of some crimes or be considered an accessory. One is law and one is to do with people's moral codes, which clearly are different on this particular point.

whatsthepointofmorgan - he goes for a run most mornings, not significant.
And by his face, he knew nothing about it.