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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I hadn't seen this. WWYD?

287 replies

Bamboofordinneragain · 28/01/2017 17:43

A bit of background - we have a friendship group of five other couples, all late forties/early fifties, DC grown and gone in most cases. We have all been close for many years.
So, last week I had a meeting in a town some distance from home. Meeting over, I was having coffee in a cafe before heading back to work. The cafe was on the first floor, overlooking the market square. Giving me a birds eye view of two of our group, hand in hand, happy as Larry, walking through the market. You will guess the next bit...

Two of my oldest friends, not married to each other, out on an awayday. I felt sick. Still do. I had no idea either marriage was rocky, although her DH can be very difficult. I haven't told anybody about this, and my gut feeling is not to. My DH doesn't know, and I hate keeping stuff from him. The man involved is his closest friend in the group, so maybe he knows and hasn't told me?
But WWYD? I am very unwilling be the one who escalates this any further - things surely can't end well in any case, so what good would telling anybody do? But if it was my DH would I want to know? I just want to hibernate for a while...

OP posts:
CallMeMaybe · 30/01/2017 14:00

But it's not for the OP to start making demands etc. Tell them she knows by all means, but the instant you start issuing ultimatums and threats you lose the moral high ground.

Regardless of what someone thinks they know, it's still not their business, or their place to interfere.

I would tell a friend that I knew he/she was seeing someone else, that they were seen etc, and I certainly wouldn't cover for them, but nobody is going to thank the OP for telling the partners. That's just not how it works sadly. And while there are lots of people on this thread who say they wish they'd known or been told, there aren't any who were told and felt it was best. And all the posters who have told have ended up losing the friends over it.

It's just not as simple as saying that if the friendships are lost then they weren't worth having in the first place. These are longstanding friends of years.

It just looks far simpler on a screen than in RL, but truth is that this is RL for the people involved.

Huskylover1 · 30/01/2017 14:26

I think my instinct would have been to take a quick photo, and then ruminate on what to do for days on end At least you would have had proof if you decided to tell the spouses. I think I would send the photo anonymously. Big decision though. And you have no proof, which makes it so much harder. In your shoes, I'd most likely send anonymous e-mail.

CaraAspen · 30/01/2017 14:49

A quick photo? What a strange first reaction that would have been.

whatsthepointofmorgan · 30/01/2017 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pallisers · 30/01/2017 15:19

I would tell my husband.

Then the next time we were all together I would say "Oh, X and Y, meant to tell you I saw you in markettown a couple of weeks ago - I was having coffee there"

I'm not sure I'd go off telling anyone that their husband was having an affair based on one sighting and one handhold. But I would certainly tell what I saw and wouldn't hide it.

PositiveAttitude · 30/01/2017 15:21

I am sorry about your FIL, whatsthepointofmorgan but that is a totally ridiculous comparison to the situation that the OP is in.

sycamore54321 · 30/01/2017 15:37

Either tell or don't tell the people you saw them, or tell or don't tell their partners, but there is no reason to tell your husband beyond petty gossip. It could be that they each work out and return to their original relationships and there is no reason for your husband to know what you stumbled on by accident.

If it were me, I wouldn't tell anyone and just try to forget what you saw. There is also the slim possibility of an innocent explanation.

Revealall · 30/01/2017 15:44

Sorry but if you saw your friends in town and they didn't see you, you would mention it. Making assumptions is what is upsetting. Just get the truth out there ASAP.
If they are having an affair that's what they chose to do. It doesn't change the reality if the Op tells no one.

CaptainHammer · 30/01/2017 20:47

TheFormidableMrsC Just seen your reply to me, sorry this happened to you too. Sadly similar to things this man did too. You and my relative are definitely better off without them.

anxiousnow · 30/01/2017 21:48

Sorry if already said as didn't read every post but is there a possibility it was innocent? I have a similar group of couple friends and we may mess around and hold hands. Some of us are clumsy, some walk slow etc and innocent reason we could grab the others hand.
You vould say that you were in that town and 'thought' you saw them but then go on about yout day there or something so not putting anyone on the spot.

Cherrysoup · 30/01/2017 22:05

Id be devastated, but I'd want to know. I would HATE to be the poor mug in the dark when all my friends knew. I think the poor partners need to be told. :( Tough job, OP.

Original poster
Bamboofordinneragain · 30/01/2017 22:17

Many thanks again for all your mostly- ('petty gossip???') helpful comments. My DH has been out this evening with the man involved - planned beforehand post gym beer. I don't know if he has said anything, but maybe test the water. He should be back soon.

OP posts:
HarryElephante · 30/01/2017 22:34

Don't say anything. It has nothing to do with you. However well you may think you know there people, you do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Don't make decisions on other people's behalf. At best you approach one of the people you believe to be having an affair and confirm it first. Then leave it to them. This isn't your bag. You have no business here.

ohfourfoxache · 30/01/2017 22:37

Hope whatever happened went as well as it could

goldsilverbronze · 30/01/2017 22:38

I would want to know... excruciating for the person cheated on... wondering who knew and who kept it quiet.

How will you feel if the wronged parties cry on your shoulders when they do find out, if you didn't get the shaggers to tell them...?

Not your place to say what you saw - but like other posters have suggested - give the affair people time to tell their other halves.

Awful situation to be in. Really sad when you find this sort of thing out.

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2017 22:38

It's such a difficult situation. I honestly don't know what I'd do.

HarryElephante · 30/01/2017 22:43

I'd stay right out of it. People involve themselves in other people's business way too often.

Joysmum · 30/01/2017 22:44

It's difficult, but nobody who's been cheated on would wish they had found out later.

ImperialBlether · 30/01/2017 22:48

I agree, Joysmum. I've been there. I would want to be told - I did wish I'd been told. It's just so hard to tell the OHs of both parties - it's so bloody complicated with them all being in the same group of friends.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/01/2017 22:53

God what an awful situation to be in op Flowers

sycamore54321 · 30/01/2017 23:24

I don't wish to pick a row but what's unhelpful about me saying there is no reason to tell your husband? Lots of people have said if they were the cheated party, they hated other people knowing first. Telling your husband doubles the number of people who know and achieves nothing constructive.

LellyMcKelly · 31/01/2017 01:45

I second Callmemaybe. Just casually say to one or other, 'Hey, I saw you and Xxx in Yyy. It's nice there, isn't it?' And see how it goes. Nobody knows what goes on in a marriage, and for all you know, it might be sanctioned by the spouses. That said, I'd want to know. See what they say first.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2017 02:47

STAY THE HELL OUT OF IT. It's none of your business.

Original poster
Bamboofordinneragain · 31/01/2017 07:32

Nothing ever turns out to be how you think. DH and his friend went out for a drink last night, and DH didn't get any further than "cheers X, how's it going?" before X told him that he and Y had seen had seen me the other day, and had I said anything? Ironically, they saw me walking back to the car park, and I never saw them at that point...
DH, who thinks on his feet pretty well, it turns out, said something like oh yes Bamboo mentioned she saw you guys when she was in the town. And that was enough - he told DH what has been happening. It's really so sad.

Y's marriage has been awful for a few years (I kind of knew this, although they are the couple I am least close to in the group). Her DH has checked out emotionally and physically, and makes her life very difficult. She told nobody about it, until X, who is a heart on the sleeve type, asked her if everything was OK. And it went from there.

The upshot is that Y is going to leave her DH, just sorting herself out over money and stuff. After they saw me, X said he realised the game was up, or would be soon, and they agreed he should tell his DW. He told her on Friday, and she said (amongst a lot of things) that she was just relieved it was somebody she knew. Work that one out... but I cried when DH told me.
He hopes he and DW will stay together, and that knows that Y needs to move on without their relationship muddying things further, and that he will have a long way to go before his marriage is rebuilt.

This isn't the place for all the gory details, but suffice to say I am so pleased I didn't wade in with both feet. These are dear friends, and I would have made things so much worse. They've all been foolish, except for X's DW, and will have a lot of awful times ahead. But it's not for me or anybody else to be judge and jury.

OP posts:
justabout2016 · 31/01/2017 07:50

I've just read this thread. You sound like a good friend - a really kind, sympathetic way to deal with it.

Agreed, wading in all judgemental would have been the wrong way to handle it.

A sad situation for all involved (especially your friend's wife). I hope it's all resolved as well as it can be.