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Original poster

I wish I hadn't seen this. WWYD?

287 replies

Bamboofordinneragain · 28/01/2017 17:43

A bit of background - we have a friendship group of five other couples, all late forties/early fifties, DC grown and gone in most cases. We have all been close for many years.
So, last week I had a meeting in a town some distance from home. Meeting over, I was having coffee in a cafe before heading back to work. The cafe was on the first floor, overlooking the market square. Giving me a birds eye view of two of our group, hand in hand, happy as Larry, walking through the market. You will guess the next bit...

Two of my oldest friends, not married to each other, out on an awayday. I felt sick. Still do. I had no idea either marriage was rocky, although her DH can be very difficult. I haven't told anybody about this, and my gut feeling is not to. My DH doesn't know, and I hate keeping stuff from him. The man involved is his closest friend in the group, so maybe he knows and hasn't told me?
But WWYD? I am very unwilling be the one who escalates this any further - things surely can't end well in any case, so what good would telling anybody do? But if it was my DH would I want to know? I just want to hibernate for a while...

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 31/01/2017 08:31

You and your DH sound lovely. What sad times for your group. Brew

ohfourfoxache · 31/01/2017 08:38

You've handled this so well, sounds like them having seen you was a really good thing.

Well done op Thanks

Kirstyinnorway · 31/01/2017 08:52

Just skimmed the thread - so sad but I think you and DH did as best as you could with horrid information, well done. I also think X was as honest as possible in coming clean (I know that's going to be an unpopular opinion) and it sounds like it's all been handled in an adult and minimally-upsetting fashion. Really hope X and his DW can get back on track, and that Y finds happiness in a more appropriate relationship.
Life is messy and there is no black and white, and I feel quite invested in your friends now!

Kirstyinnorway · 31/01/2017 08:53

Minimally upsetting is the wrong word, I feel - I meant it as "damage limitation" I think...

Peanutbutterrules · 31/01/2017 08:55

Glad it all came out 'in the wash' without you having to get more involved.

Huskylover1 · 31/01/2017 09:08

He told her on Friday, and she said (amongst a lot of things) that she was just relieved it was somebody she knew

What? Surely that makes it a zillion times worse Confused

Original poster
Bamboofordinneragain · 31/01/2017 09:15

Huskylover, I know what you mean. I wouldn't have thought that in a million years. Doesn't make any sense, but who's to know how anybody reacts when this kind of stuff happens?

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 31/01/2017 09:37

Bizarre. It's a double betrayal. My ExH shagged by best friend, so I know how that feels too! I'd much rather it had been a woman I didn't know....well, there actually were plenty of those too, but hey....

jrhartleysfishingblog · 31/01/2017 10:59

What do you take from this, OP? In your initial post you asked if others would want to know, so how do you feel now it seems to be done and dusted in a couple of weeks?

CallMeMaybe · 31/01/2017 11:21

I will pre-empt this by saying that I still wouldn't get any more involved and I still wouldn't judge.... but....

I would be very surprised if he has actually told his DW, and in fact I would be thinking that he has said this to your DH in order to ensure that he doesn't mention it.

I absolutely think that it is likely as he has told your DH, and I am a firm believer that life is rarely black and white when it comes to these things. But going from seeing you to realising he had to tell his wife doesn't ring true to me, having experienced very similar with a friend who had an emotional affair with someone online, and told me he and his wife were separated because I knew him in RL as well as on the forum where he'd met this woman.As we live in different countries it would never have come out, until his RL fb profile came up on "people you may know," along with all the mutual rl friends we have.

By telling you that he's told his wife, he can be absolutely sure that you won't bring it up, because they're working things out after all, so you know she likely might not want to be reminded of it....

Only time will tell now if the OW actually leaves her unhappy marriage, which, if she is that unhappy, I hope for her sake she does.

sofato5miles · 31/01/2017 11:21

I can understand the knowing the person goving relief. Not a mystery femme fatale, she can how it happened etc.

You sound like a lovely group of kind friends. I wish you the very best of luck. Xx

Mogtheanxiouscat · 31/01/2017 11:37

If I have followed this correctly, He told her on Friday and then they managed a night out with all involved on Saturday? With no discernable tension at all? Really?!?

Original poster
Bamboofordinneragain · 31/01/2017 11:49

Mog, I know. I couldn't have done it, would have been at home crying. What cracks me up is just how very BRITISH everyone is being over this. Maybe I am bad at picking up signals, but it was all fine. Admittedly, we were at the cinema for a lot of the time, but still.
And CallMeMaybe, I thought the same as you, but my poor friend messaged me earlier. She knows. Christ, what a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bamboofordinneragain · 31/01/2017 11:57

And to answer JRHartley's what do I take from this? - never get a window seat is the first thing that comes to mind...
But the truth is I don't know, really. It's all a bit baffling, and happened so fast. What if I hadn't seen them? And I really, really wish I hadn't.
And also feeling quite shit that we have all been so wrapped up in our own lives that none of us had noticed what was going on with people we love.

OP posts:
CaraAspen · 31/01/2017 12:01

It's an amazing coincidence that they claim to have seen you. Neither can I get my head around the night out with all friends jolly together. IF his account is true, there is no way the woman who has been "cheated on" could have carried off the pretence.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/01/2017 12:06

I think they are all being the opposite of British. The opposite of probable in fact

whatsthepointofmorgan · 31/01/2017 13:35

By telling you that he's told his wife, he can be absolutely sure that you won't bring it up

I agree.
Not only has he got you and your OH to keep quiet about it, he's even got you feeling sorry for him and his OW.

As for the OW's husband not understanding her etc etc. isn't that part of the 'script'
Women follow the script as well as men.

I feel you've had a fast one pulled over on you.
There's nothing really you can do about it.

Skooba · 31/01/2017 14:03

I don't get the lovey-dovey hand holding across the square when it was actually just him being a supportive 'friend' to someone in a long term unhappy marriage.

Nor does the Dcheated onW who is happy he is shagging?? a group friend seem likely.

Anyway, it will all come out in the wash. No doubt.

Kirstyinnorway · 31/01/2017 14:07

Skooba OP said just above that "my poor friend messaged me earlier. She knows. Christ, what a week."

Kirstyinnorway · 31/01/2017 14:08

Sorry - tagged the wrong poster there! Meant whatsthepointofmorgan!

Spice22 · 31/01/2017 14:24

OP , I'm glad it over for you.

So disgusted by the amount of people that wouldn't tell their close friends that they were being cheated on. Actually disgusted. I wouldn't even tell the cheating couple I'd seen them , I'd go straight to the wronged party.

CallMeMaybe · 31/01/2017 16:16

TBH I think that often telling the husband/wife is purely self-serving on the part of the person doing the telling. Because they think the person deserves to know/should be able to make decisions for themselves/should be given the choice to leave the cheater.

But actually how many of those people doing the telling would stand by as the wife stood by her man and said that she was glad that it was at least someone they knew? Even people on this thread are questioning how the wife could act normally the night after given what she now knows.

People think that the teller's involvement would end at the point they tel, but would it? How many people on here who said they would tell would stand by as the wife worked with the cheating husband to salvage the marriage? How many of the people who would tell would be able to say nothing as they attended friendship group events without anyone else being in the know about what had happened?

If you are prepared to tell, then you also need to be prepared to support whatever action the betrayed party chooses to take, and that includes standing by him and acting as if nothing has happened if that's what they want to do. And I honestly don't think that many people would be prepared to do that, and as such I think that for the most part, people should stay out of it from the outset.

EweAreHere · 31/01/2017 16:20

I'm finding it difficult to believe the X actually told his wife on Friday night, then they came to the dinner party on Saturday with everyone there and acted perfectly normally.

Just can't see it.

He's had all weekend to prepare story, frankly, because he and Y saw you and knew there was a good chance you'd see them. I hope he hasn't lied to your husband.

havalina1 · 31/01/2017 16:35

What do you think OP, is there any chance it's a cover up?

But the wronged-wife texted you, saying she knew, right?

Horrible situation. And yep I don't like that so many people care so little to say butt out. People deserve the chance to choose to stand by their marriage or to leave it if they want to. And of course as friends we respect their choice.

I've had an awful time in a sordid twisted mess my partner created. My friends know about it. I stayed, for a while. They rowed in and supported my choice. Equally, they rowed in and supported when I said I wanted to go. Good friends.

CallMeMaybe · 31/01/2017 16:48

OP has heard from the wife though who has confirmed that he told her.