I wish I hadn't seen this. WWYD?

[Bamboofordinneragain]

A bit of background - we have a friendship group of five other couples, all late forties/early fifties, DC grown and gone in most cases. We have all been close for many years.
So, last week I had a meeting in a town some distance from home. Meeting over, I was having coffee in a cafe before heading back to work. The cafe was on the first floor, overlooking the market square. Giving me a birds eye view of two of our group, hand in hand, happy as Larry, walking through the market. You will guess the next bit...

Two of my oldest friends, not married to each other, out on an awayday. I felt sick. Still do. I had no idea either marriage was rocky, although her DH can be very difficult. I haven't told anybody about this, and my gut feeling is not to. My DH doesn't know, and I hate keeping stuff from him. The man involved is his closest friend in the group, so maybe he knows and hasn't told me?
But WWYD? I am very unwilling be the one who escalates this any further - things surely can't end well in any case, so what good would telling anybody do? But if it was my DH would I want to know? I just want to hibernate for a while...

Drop in conversation tonight that you were in said town recently and thought how busy, quiet, quaint, ugly or whatever it was. Watch their reaction. They might contact you privately afterwards. If they do suggest they come clean to their other halves as you are finding it difficult to live with.

I'd definitely tell my DP as I don't keep secrets from him, and this is really eating you up. You need his support especially tonight.

I would tell my DH. But if he's anything like mine, he'll shrug and say 'it's none of our business.'
Alternatively he may already know but hasn't told you because he doesn't see that it's important. My DH gets told all sorts of juicy gossip but never passes it on because it just doesn't interest him.

Awful for you. Why wouldn't you at least share with your DH? Massive thing to keep form him. And he is better placed than us to know how best to handle it.
Perhaps he knows, was sworn to secrecy, and has been anguished about not being able to tell you...?

I once saw a dad from school emerging down the stairs in a hotel when I was speaking at a conference (about 50 miles from home). 2 minute slater I saw a mum from school emerging down the stairs. He saw me, she probably didn't.

I didn't tell anyone. Sometime later it emerged that he was having an affair. I rather put my foot in it when I 1st heard by saying- oh yes I know with XXXX when it was in fact with his PA. So he had 2 other women on the go as well as his wife.

None of your business.

If it were you doing anything you may not want others to know, whatever that may be, would you like someone dropping that bombshell?

I would email both of them and tell them that you saw them. Don't say what you're going to do with that knowledge though.

My marriage ended because of an affair. If I thought that one of my close friends knew and didn't tell me, I would be devastated. If I thought that one of my close friends suggested he be more discreet I think I would want to kill that friend.

It's awful that you know and that you are in this position, but my advice on these issues is always the same : the betrayed spouses deserve to know.

Personally I would contact one of them anonymously saying that they were seen and they should tell their spouses before someone else does.

Tell your husband. and also innocently drop in whilst you are all out tonight how you saw X & Y having coffee together .... and then get a big glass of wine and sit back and let them sort it out. I hate deceit.

HelsBels- what a horrible idea. Public humiliation for the wronged spouses.

Bamboo, don't keep this from your DH, tell him.
Sadly, these things happen, there could possibly be, a lot more to it.
As a poster above said, not your circus, not your monkeys.
Try not to overly concern yourself, when you've spoken to your DH, you may be enlightened.

The big glass of wine is going to happen very soon, and I will tell DH tomorrow. I can't do the whole "guess what, I saw you guys out in ** last week" thing, I'm a terrible liar and it would come out all wrong.

Off to get ready for an evening with everybody. This is going to be very strange, I would rather be almost anywhere else. Many thanks, wise MNetters, you never think this kind of thing happens in RL until it does. Shit times, we've all changed each other's babies nappies, and frozen at school gars together, and now this.

I would have to tell my dh. Of he's anything like mine he would tell me it was none of my business but it would eat me up inside having to keep it all to myself. I suggest telling them where you have been and see what their reactions are.

Why on earth would the wronged spouses be humiliated? They have done nothing wrong. Its the cheating pair who should be humiliated, thats a disgusting way to treat a partner. You wouldn't be lying though bamboo you genuinely did see them, thats all you have to say. Change the subject after that? Discuss the weather.

I guess tonight you'll be looking at everyone differently. What you are keeping a lid on is someone else can of worms. Personally, I'd sleep on it. See who you feel tomorrow? Then decide whether or not you tell your husband...

I agree you should tell your husband. He would/could be upset if he finds out you know and didn't tell him.

Even though i would tell my DP, i can see why the Op is reticent. It then puts him in the same difficult position as she is so maybe she doesn't want to dump that on him.

Its pants OP but i think id be trying to persuade myself I'd not seen anything or there had been a trick of the light. No good will come of opening that can of worms and i think the phrase "shooting the messenger " is one to remember.

If you absolutely cannot bear this on your concience then maybe you could talk to the guilty parties and tell them you saw them but chances they will just be more discrete and then you will be almost complicit.

I can't not tell my DH.

A wise woman knows when to stay schtum.

I would tell my Dh but other than that I'd stay well out of it.

No, please don't start playing games by dropping hints about having seen them. It's pointless and unfair.

It's an awful situation to be in, OP, I really feel for you. I think I would tell my OH, and then speak to each of them individually (or maybe he might speak to his mate?) and tell them you saw them. And that you're not comfortable concealing it from your friends. Then leave the next step up to them.

Eye bleach required and do nothing.

I couldn't not tell my dh either. It's a partnership and if he was in the same predicament then I would be really upset if he thought he couldn't confide in me

Keep quiet, difficult though that may be.
And you don't know, perhaps the respective partners DO know what's going on. Their problems- not yours.