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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Said something I regret

202 replies

smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 01:51

DH and I have one problem in our marriage. I get anxious when he goes out drinking and he stays out too late/gets too drunk. It's turned in to a vicious cycle as I don't want him to go so he has started lying to me about it. Tonight he was going out with a colleague after work and said he wouldn't be late (finished work at 9pm). I rang him at 1am and we've had a massive row on the phone ending with him saying "I just want to be able to go out and have some freedom!" And me replying with "well maybe you need a divorce then!" He said "fine" and hung up and now his phone is turned off. I'm now in bed, unable to sleep. Neither of us want a divorce! But this argument happens every few months and I don't know what to do. We are both in the wrong and both need to change I guess. Arghh I don't even know why I'm posting. Just feeling very sad right now Sad

OP posts:
thestamp · 28/01/2017 01:58

Sorry you're having a shit time.

Why do you get anxious about him getting too drunk? What are you worried will happen, or what's happened before?

SoleBizzz · 28/01/2017 01:59

He goes out every few months?

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 02:02

I've been cheated on in previous relationships. That must be where it comes from but I know he hasn't/wouldn't.

No, he goes out every week or so but the argument happens probably every other month. It's hideous. It takes day or so for us to both calm down, apologise etc but nothing changes.

OP posts:
thestamp · 28/01/2017 02:06

Are you worried he's going to cheat on you? Or what's the worst case scenario you're worried about?

Topseyt · 28/01/2017 02:08

How often does he go out and get this drunk? What is his behaviour like when he does, on a regular basis?

I don't like very drunken behaviour. I find it very unattractive, so perhaps could sympathise somewhat.

SoleBizzz · 28/01/2017 02:09

Do you go out with your friends?

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 02:16

No, I do know he wouldn't. I don't know what I think is going to happen. I suffer with depression so maybe I've got anxiety too, I don't know. I can't even explain to myself why I feel like this.
Tbh he didn't sound that drunk on the phone but I'm sure he's getting off his face now to prove his point...that he needs freedom. He stays for a couple of drinks after work about once a week and that's fine but when it's this late and especially now his phone is off I just feel sick. We go out together about once every 6 weeks but we're always home for midnight as we have to relieve the babysitter, why can't he do that for me? I go out every now and then but I'm really not that bothered about big nights out anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 02:29

He's still not home Sad any tips on trying to calm myself down and get some sleep?

OP posts:
thestamp · 28/01/2017 02:40

Can you run yourself a bath? That usually helps me a lot if I'm feeling shit and can't stop thinking.

You need to get on the antidepressants and get some CBT my love. He's allowed to go out, you can't make his life hell for that. Also... You shouldn't make your own life hell like this!

Have you had counselling? Tried meds? I think it's time to see the GP on both counts tbh.

differentnameforthis · 28/01/2017 02:51

What is the issue with the getting drunk/staying out too late? Genuine question...why does it make you anxious? Does it happen too often? Do you think he has an alcohol problem? Does he get violent?

To be fair to him, no one wants to be called on night out and be constantly phoned being told to come home. Have you tried talking to him when he isn't drunk/hung-over and explained your reasoning?

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 07:17

So he got in at 3am. It was his turn to be up with the kids this morning. Guess what, that hasn't happened and now I'm up after about an hour's sleep. He was so drunk I told him to go to the loo and he said "I can't remember where it is" so I had to take him!! He doesn't go out too often and he doesn't have an alcohol problem in the fact he doesn't drink every day or anything but when he goes out he can't control himself, he can't stop and come home when he said he would and just goes crazy, proving his point about wanting freedom! We talk when he's sober and he apologises and says he will come back at a reasonable time next time and I say I will try to relax but it isn't working.

OP posts:
Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 07:21

And sorry, yes I have had counselling and been on ADs in the past. Probably time to get back to the doctor.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 28/01/2017 07:25

I think it is his problem, really. Getting so drunk he can't find the toilet...

Also, maybe while he is sober and reasonable, fix the night of the next one on a day when he isn't supposed to get up with the kids.

If my DH was getting this anxious, I think I would come home earlier.

ladylambkin · 28/01/2017 07:26

Glad you are seeking help from your doctor OP as your behaviour isn't normal. Try not to let this latest episode drag on for a few days and sort thing's out today..apologies are required from both sides

BifsWif · 28/01/2017 07:28

I get like this too. I get incredibly anxious that he'll get hurt, or get into a fight (he's not violent, our nearest town is quite rough). I can't sleep until he's home. It's made worse by the fact that he's always later home than he says he'll be! He just doesn't check the time when he's out, and really he shouldn't have to I suppose.

I am taking antidepressants and they're helping my anxiety, I have no advice but you're not alone x

Believeitornot · 28/01/2017 07:30

Do you get to go or much yourself?

If you think he's cheating why are you with him?

KateDaniels2 · 28/01/2017 07:31

I can she fault on both sides. Although faults not the right word.

He shouldn't be getting that hammered he needs you to look after him.

But i really think he should be able to go out without you having a go.

My dh became quite controlling, like you he was really insecure and sure i would cheat. I found the best way to deal with it was to lie. Wasnt great in the long run but avoided arguments or at least put them off for bit.

Thankfully we managed to sort ourseleves out and are happier for it.

Lessthanaballpark · 28/01/2017 07:31

I don't think you're being that unreasonable because it would piss me off if I had to wake up to take someone to the loo if they'd been stupid enough to get so drunk then lay it on you.

But then I guess I can understand him wanting to go out and relax and not be bothered by a partner constantly calling them.

Why don't you go out OP and do some having fun of your own? What is your social life like?

Gardencentregroupie · 28/01/2017 07:31

If he goes out almost every week and drinks without being able to stop himself and isn't able to function the next day, then he certainly does have an alcohol problem.

Freedom my arse, he's an adult with responsibilities not a first year student who hasn't learned his limits. And getting utterly shit faced to 'prove a point'? What a dick.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 07:32

I think like I said it's become a vicious cycle. My anxiety has driven him to act out and him acting out makes me worse...round it goes. But actually, although it only happens every couple of months it's become a major problem in our marriage. He thinks I don't care about his feelings because he says he needs to be able to get out occasionally, I think he doesn't care because he can see how much it upsets me but still does it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/01/2017 07:33

If my DH was getting this anxious, I think I would come home earlier.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 07:35

Sorry x posted with lots of you. Garden, he doesn't get like that every week, once every couple of months. I don't think he's cheating, I can't explain my anxiety.

BifsWif, glad to hear I'm not alone. Sorry you have to go through it too!

Kate, I'm so pleased you sorted things. Did you do couples counselling or how did you sort it?

OP posts:
Teaholic · 28/01/2017 07:46

I think you need to take a night off. go to a hotel or a b&b with a pile of books, and leave him to the three kids. MAKE SURE YOU GET YOUR LIE IN tomorrow morning

Do you get nights off too? Do you EVER get a lie in? It's always you at home waiting for him. Switch that around. Leave him alone in the house dealing with three kids.

I never did but I was single. It would be that not the going out that would have driven me insane.

ofudginghell · 28/01/2017 07:47

He's a grown man and as harsh as it may sound if he's out with friends only once in a blue moon having an anxious wife ruining his night out is only going to make him do exactly what he's done.
It's his way of letting off steam.
You say in your post your not bothered about going out and getting hammered but that's you,not him. I'm sure you like to do things he has no interest in but does he ruin it for you by calling and texting and causing an argument?
You also said when you guys go out together your home by midnight to relieve the babysitter so why doesn't he do that for you?i think maybe you've mis judged that. Read it back to yourself and see how it sounds.
How old is your baby? Have you been together long?
I used to worry and get stress you when my dh went out with friends and we would end up griping at each other similar to your post.
Eventually we sat down and discussed it. He explained he likes a good night out every now and then without worrying and being on edge that il be awkward about it which made him stay out later when the stubborn streak kicked in.
Now when he goes out which isn't often il leave a spare duvet on the sofa and if he comes in too late he'll kip there but it's very rare he gets in past midnight.
He gets into bed and is asleep within seconds and if he has a hangover to deal with in a noisy busy house the next day so be it.
Maybe try the opposite of what your doing.
Hope my post doesn't sound too stern but everyone is still an individual even when married with families and it's not always all about doing everything family related. Sometimes we all need time to be who we are not husband wife or parent 24/7

KateDaniels2 · 28/01/2017 07:47

We did have some counselling. However dh had an episode of ill health and genuinely thought he was going to die. Which is what sparked the change. It made him face his own issues and that led to him facing our issues.

Its a long story and our marriage was worse than yours sounds tbh. But he had individual counselling, we then had some coupkes counselling and then i realised i needed some too.

Its been 4 years and things are so much better. Although tbh, it took me a long time to learn i could be honest about what i wanted to do and not face a backlash. It wasnt easy. For either of us.

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