Said something I regret

[smileygrapefruit]

DH and I have one problem in our marriage. I get anxious when he goes out drinking and he stays out too late/gets too drunk. It's turned in to a vicious cycle as I don't want him to go so he has started lying to me about it. Tonight he was going out with a colleague after work and said he wouldn't be late (finished work at 9pm). I rang him at 1am and we've had a massive row on the phone ending with him saying "I just want to be able to go out and have some freedom!" And me replying with "well maybe you need a divorce then!" He said "fine" and hung up and now his phone is turned off. I'm now in bed, unable to sleep. Neither of us want a divorce! But this argument happens every few months and I don't know what to do. We are both in the wrong and both need to change I guess. Arghh I don't even know why I'm posting. Just feeling very sad right now

Emboo

That's because op is up and about to manage the situation and steer him to the bathroom. If he's getting so drunk that he can't remember where the loo is, he is in a delusional state and will at some stage if he hasn't already we'ed in places other than the loo. Ditto puking. And ditto everything I've said above. I know this from experience of my dh and how paralytic he can become. Only last year I had to stop him from pissing all over the carpet of our hotel room. It's apparently very common for drunk hotel guests to wee in the room.

I think going out & drinking & doing his own thing is fine, but IMHO getting shitfaced is irresponsible, stupid, infantile. & it would make me angry & frankly respulsed.
It's not a sport (although over the whole of Europe the British are mocked for their Oik like drinking culture)
He has a family, young child, you.
I would film him, & show him how pathetic he is when he can't speak & move himself to the toilet.

I think going out weekly or even every 10 days is normal for a lot of people. I don't go out that often but I'm not fussed about it, so the average is much less for me. I am still able to appreciate that other people like going out to socialise more than I do - as is their preference.

Out of those occasions, having a late one and ending up worse for wear every few months is no great shakes at all. I mean really...it's fine.

So no...I don't think effectively telling him he is not allowed to stay out later or drink more than you decree, is reasonable. But you won't be told otherwise because it's all about you. I'm not saying that to be mean or make you feel bad...it just is. Your anxiety is now his responsibility.

When men do this to women it is called controlling. I don't know why it shoud be ok for you.

I'm not going to stop him staying out late. We've just agreed that he gives me a rough eta and doesn't get so drunk he can't function. If it was a stag do or whatever I would expect him to be later and would be mentally prepared for that. This time he told me he was going for "a couple and won't be late". Big difference. And yes, he's passed the fucking bed before when in that state so I had to take him to the toilet to prevent that happening!

Pissed*

When men do this to women it is called controlling. I don't know why it shoud be ok for you.

Personally, if a mother of young children came on here and said, 'I like to go out once a week. Now and then, I want to get absolutely shit faced and roll in at 3am. This means I can't look after the children next morning. H has asked me to at least let me know when I'm going to do this, but I know he will be unreasonable about it, so I lie...'

I wouldn't personally call that controlling.

Thanks Lost. The truth is I want to say "nooo, please don't go out!" But I know that would be controlling and unfair. I think asking for an eta and not getting incapacitated is just asking for respect and consideration of my feelings. My DH agrees. We just need to make sure we both put it in to practice!

Is he respectful and considerate in other ways?

For me and my husband, it was part of a wider picture where he resented the constraints of fatherhood and marriage. One of my difficulties was in knowing what was normal and acceptable and what wasn't. I was full of doubt and he always seemed certain he was right. Having read a lot about it since, I can see clearly he was being emotionally abusive in many ways. The out of control drinking as a form of retaliation, was just one of the signs that there was something far wrong in our relationship.

It's hard not to project. I hope for you, this is a relatively minor issue in an otherwise good relationship. I hope you find your discussion helps.

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. My DH is honestly the best father I could wish for for my children and is so considerate and loving as a husband in every other way. This is genuinely the only problem in our marriage and I feel confident we can sort it. He LOVES being a dad and has stuck to his promise so far of getting up with them this week. They were up just before 7am and after he'd done breakfast I could hear them playing and laughing together (3yo DD pretending to be Peter pan and DH being captain hook!) Then I went downstairs at 9am after snoozing and they weren't there. They came back at 10am, he'd taken DD1 out on her bike with DD2 in sling. He made me a brew and toast and now he's gone to work, promising the kids he'll finish before bedtime. He's truly great and I'm very lucky. I just need to relax when he goes out and he needs to help me with that by being honest and not getting shitfaced. I think we'll be ok

Thanks for the feedback. It's lovely to hera that. I wish you all the best.

OP you're pushing him away

Poor bloke can't have a night out without having to tell you what time he will be back.
If my OH got pissy because I wasn't back by 1am then I'd leave. If my OH used 'anxiety' to justify thinking I'm cheating then I'd leave. I get you had bad experiences in the past but that isn't your husbands fault. Expecting him home early simply because of that is unfair.

Your poor attitude is quite obvious with your "go away" comments to those who disagree with you. I can only imagine what it's like for your husband.

If this was the other way round the man would be labelled controlling and paranoid, and that is what you are OP. Paranoid he'll cheat and trying to control him into coming home early due to your anxiety (when really it's paranoia).

He will stay out later than agreed next time despite what he says. Why? Because he's not a child who has to check in with mum just because he isn't home by 1.

I said 'go away' because me and him had already had a long conversation and resolved things between us, my side helped by the previous comments both nice/constructive and negative. But we both parties involved have come to an agreement it is upsetting to read that it's still unfair somehow.

I have said a number if times on the thread I'm not paranoid he'll cheat. I know he won't. I can't put a logical reason on my anxiety. And I know that's crap and my fault but if your DH can't support you through that then who can?

If he does stay out later next time, and fails to contact me, then I will have to leave because I can't cope with it. I haven't given him this ultimatum btw because that would be seen as controlling but for my own well being I think that's what would have to happen. Nowhere have I said he can't go out.

I can't believe you would leave the man you describe in the Peter Pan post if he comes home late. Op I'm sorry but you asked opinions so here is mine- you sound a nightmare. He's a good husband, great dad, works hard and you'd leave him because he wants to get drunk without you going on at him once every couple of months?? I'm sorry you are anxious but you need to get treatment not leave a good man because he wants a tiny bit of freedom. He sounds a very nice man. It's sad you are so lucky and fail to really see it.

I know this aspect of my behaviour is a nightmare but aside from that I think I'm a good mum and good wife. I work my arse off running my own business and try to keep the house tidy and clean. We love each other very much and day to day our relationship is great. People tell us both how lucky we are.

But. If I described DH's behaviour from one night when he got drunk you wouldn't be saying he sounds like a very nice man and that I'm very lucky. Here's one: said he'd be home for 11pm as we had a day out planned the next day. Comes in at 2am after ignoring my calls from midnight. Goes to the wrong room and wakes the kids staggering around. Screams at me for calling him and being annoyed he's so drunk and late. Passes out on the bathroom floor. Comes to bed eventually then wakes up covered in his own piss. You'd probably be saying ltb!!

Yes, it happens rarely and that's probably the worst example but it's still horrible.

I agree Chelazla.

Why does he have to contact you when he goes out, why does he have to give you an ETA - that in itself is setting him up to fail as you never know what time you're staying out till. You might have the best of intentions to be home by a certain time but normal people get carried away having a good time socialising and lose track of time - it happens, and you're DH shouldn't be socialising to your timetable.

I don't understand why you can't just say "have a good time DH, don't wake me up when you get home" surely that would help with your anxiety, you wouldn't have expectations and you wouldn't be waiting up for him to get home clock watching.

You owe it to your very decent DH to go and get counselling to get to the root of your problems. The amount of women on here who go through crap in their relationships, would relish a DH like yours whos only "issue" is that he goes out late once a month or so and gets drunk.

I wouldn't be saying LTB, I'd be saying that you get his arse out of bed and makes sure he's on that day out you had planned, it's his hangover to deal with.

And I too would ignore your calls as it sounds like a regular occurance, you calling him to see where he is. Do you even think that those times he out stays his ETA, that he's said he'd be home for a certain time because he knows you'd give him a hard time for going out if he didn't say he'd be home at a certain time or if he said "I'll be home about 2am"? Sometimes it's easier to deal with the fallout rather than have to deal with the alternative which could potentially be him never going out.

And no, it isn't OK pissing yourself but that doesn't mean you can dictate his social life to him.

I know it's anxiety related but this is your issue - it's not fair to impose it on him. Being a good wife and hard worker and keeping the house clean is irrelevant really - work on chilling out, and letting him chill out. There has to be some freedom in a marriage, otherwise it becomes suffocating and insular. You may be parents and spouses but you are still individual people who both deserve to have some fun.

When my dh goes out I say...have a nice time,don't rush home....gives me chance to have a boyfriend over...he's never quite sure if I'm joking or not....but he's never late back

Your controlling nature, and anxiety, and the fact you just expect your dh to put up with it, instead of you addressing the core problems by going to counselling/whatever it takes, is a problem.
You are pushing him away and you can't see this.
I couldn't cope with that. I wonder if your marriage will survive long term?

This is your issue not his, sort it out because you are using your anxiety to be controlling. You'd really leave your husband if he didn't pander to your anxiety?

Smiley, I think people have picked up on certain phrases in your op which suggest you are unreasonable, that you have anxiety, worried he would cheat, and have decided that you must be irrational and controlling

I'd say again, it is not irrational to want DP home before he becomes incapable and antisocial. An adult with children, who goes out every week, should not get so drunk he pisses the bed, doesn't know where the toilet is, and doesn't warn his DP if he's going to be several hours later than planned. He shouldn't stagger into the kids room or get stroppy, or be unable to join in family life the next day.
Just because he doesn't do it every time doesn't mean it's ok. And to do it even though it scares his wife is makes it worse.

Yes, pickle, if I'd have put this: Here's one: said he'd be home for 11pm as we had a day out planned the next day. Comes in at 2am after ignoring my calls from midnight. Goes to the wrong room and wakes the kids staggering around. Screams at me for calling him and being annoyed he's so drunk and late. Passes out on the bathroom floor. Comes to bed eventually then wakes up covered in his own piss. as my original post the replies would be very different!

We are both happier after our discussion so that's all that really matters but people saying his behaviour is totally fine bothers me. I know I've got issues but so does he.

smiley even after reading that update, my response would be the same; if you're not happy, end the relationship. You cannot make him, or expect him to, change.

What you are describing is pretty extreme drunk behaviour. I'd be amazed if that one conversation is going to realise a noticeable, long term difference in either of your behaviours.

Pictish, I specifically said I haven't given him that ultimatum but if it continues I will have to seriously think about it as I can't deal with it. My problem obviously but that doesn't change anything.

I'm not happy with this one aspect of my relationship. I truly, desperately hope it doesn't cause our marriage to end because most days I'm the luckiest woman ever and we are very, very happy together.