Said something I regret

[smileygrapefruit]

DH and I have one problem in our marriage. I get anxious when he goes out drinking and he stays out too late/gets too drunk. It's turned in to a vicious cycle as I don't want him to go so he has started lying to me about it. Tonight he was going out with a colleague after work and said he wouldn't be late (finished work at 9pm). I rang him at 1am and we've had a massive row on the phone ending with him saying "I just want to be able to go out and have some freedom!" And me replying with "well maybe you need a divorce then!" He said "fine" and hung up and now his phone is turned off. I'm now in bed, unable to sleep. Neither of us want a divorce! But this argument happens every few months and I don't know what to do. We are both in the wrong and both need to change I guess. Arghh I don't even know why I'm posting. Just feeling very sad right now

I'm confused does he go out weekly or monthly if it's monthly yabu he should be able to be have a night away with his friends without messaging and phone calls. My friend husband is constantly messaging throughout the night and visa versa yet I rarely look at my phone when socialising with my friends. Would it do you go to go out with your friends?

Please don't blame yourself for his awful behaviour, OP.

He's a prick and he needs to grow up. Decent men don't go out and get drunk.

Are you the classic anxious preoccupied in a relationship and he is that classic dismissive avoidant. This is a coupling that often gets together by the way and I've been there. They trigger a familiarity in each other brought about by (degrees of) childhood neglect from ambivalent parents for the anxious preoccupied partner and feeling stifled and having parents who had no respect for their boundaries (the dismissive).

If my DH was getting this anxious, I think I would come home earlier.

With all due respect, Pickle, you have clearly never lived with someone with anxiety and depression. It controls so much of your every day life that it is very difficult to allow it to control your personal free time too. A person needs a bit of space to spread their wings and be themselves. Even if that is just to go out and have a few beers.

Smiley

If you have depression and associated anxiety, then it's possible that he really does need the freedom from that that a night out and a bit of a blow out on the beer, might provide.

If it were me, I'd wait until there is time and space to discuss it. I'd talk about how the way things are currently working isn't meeting either of your needs. Because, actually, the more you phone him up whilst he's out and give him a hard time, the less he's going to want to end his fun and come home and the more you're going to give him a hard time... it's a vicious circle.

Getting so drunk he can't find the toilet or care for the children the next day isn't good, but if he is out having a good time with his friends and he knows that you are still up, getting stressed and angry with him and he knows you were going to have a go at him when he gets in, I can see why he might have another beer and stay out another half hour. If he's going to get grief anyway, he might as well feel like he deserves it.

You need to find ways to manage your anxiety and resulting behaviours and he needs to commit to enjoying himself in a more reasonable way, which might happen if he doesn't feel he's walking back into an attitude.

Dh is 49. He's finally showing signs of growing out of this . He doesn't go out much these days though. It's very stressful. He fell asleep in a taxi and the obliging driver dropped him off at a police station and I was called to collect. Another time, his friend was caught drunk driving and I had to go to the police station with a large amount of cash (Germany) to pay the guys fine otherwise he'd have been incarcerated for a week. I have many more sort of funny stories. And many shit events too, which I'd rather not share as they make my heart heavy. Including the worry he's been in an accident. Yes, it is important they come home hen they say they will. That's what mature adults do. At almost 50, dh is starting finally to become a mature adult.

Please don't blame yourself for his awful behaviour, OP.

He's a prick and he needs to grow up. Decent men don't go out and get drunk.

Er, yes they do.

What an utterly ridiculous thing to say.

As harsh as it sounds (and I think you may have already realised by now) that it you constantly calling him that makes him stay out longer.

As others have said you're his partner not his mother, I'd go back to the doctors and explain that your anxiety is set off by these events and see what they suggest, they may offer different ad's or another course of cbt for you. You dont have to suffer like this, but he is an adult and is allowed to go out with friends.

Ofudginghell

Midnight is fine. 5am not so much.

Not coming in anywhere near the time you have agreed to come in?

Drinking to the point of being unable to keep yourself safe?

And your DP already has anxiety and depression?

The person without anxiety and depression is in the stronger position to break this cycle.

He's generally a brilliant husband and father, we take it in turns to get up with the kids alternate days (we have funny jobs so don't need to leave home til 10ish) so yes I do get lie ins. He said last night when I said "you'll be up in 3 hours with the kids" that if I got up he would do all week! He won't remember that but I'll remind him!

To clarify. He goes out after work for an hour or two about once a week/every ten days, these big nights out (which I'm not aware are big nights out) happen every couple of months.

Ofugdinghell that's hit the nail on the head of what happens and I need to do what you do but I just can't, I guess counselling might help.

He's fine with me going out but he has no reason not to be as I come home at a reasonable time and I'm not shitfaced!

Kate, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you went through a horrible time but glad you are both happier now.

Please don't blame yourself for his awful behaviour, OP.

He's a prick and he needs to grow up. Decent men don't go out and get drunk

will inform dp to be decent he must be in bed by 7pm every night with a good book. Look forward to his reaction, thanks for sharing your wisdom.

You say he goes out drinking once a week, but gets really drunk only once every couple of months? Does he come home pissed once a week?

Unless he has an alcohol problem, eg an issue with binge drinking, a night out a week seems reasonable.

You are U to act on your anxiety if he's out late: not your business to ring him or tell him what time to get home. Unless he is loud when he gets in. he is U not to get up with the DC if it's his turn.

I think these conversations need to be had when you are both sober, not hungover etc so that you can start to resolve the issue.

I think most couples with young kids go through a period of settling in to what life as parents look like, and that tends to be a series of 'negotiations' to make sure that both get downtime.

Getting shitfaced every other month isn't great.

It the late nights are not planned in advance it would be polite for him to text you to let you know he'll be very late.

Not if every aspect of that person's life is already controlled and dictated by the person with depression and anxiety.

Drinking to the point of not keeping yourself safe is never a good idea, however, my exh used to be quite controlling. Not to the extent that he wouldn't let me go out, but there were rules around it: where I should go, what I should drink, who I should speak to... you know, so that my behaviour was still befitting of a 'lady'.

I used to feel so guilty about breaking those rules (which I had every intention of doing as I left the front door, what with me being an adult and all) that I used to drink more than I would have and stay out longer than I would have, just to enjoy the feeling of freedom and being just like everyone else for a little bit longer. The beer just blotted out the knowledge that I'd be paying for it when I got in.

You said earlier, OP that he goes for a drink after work a couple of nights every week. How much does he actually go out?
CBT would probably help you. Feeling jealous is awful you need to sort it for yourself more than for him.
you can only control your own behaviour you need to give up trying to get him to behave the way you want him to, it's not working.
Fwiw, OP. It does sound like he's behaving unreasonably in expecting you to pick up his share of parenting too, but until you manage your own behaviour it's hard to tell.
Do you work outside the house? That could be a big confidence boost for you, even if you're not making a profit. It's not fun being the person waiting for their partner to come home all of the time.

I'm staggered that people think getting so drunk you don't know what you're doing is ok in an adult male.

Feel very sorry for anyone married to someone like that. There's the world of difference between having a few drinks and getting blind drunk.

I'm with garden. He needs to grow up!
He's married, he has kids, why is he throwing at you that he needs his 'freedom'. Most adults socialise as much or as little as they like but don't need to get shit faced till 3am.
I also agree with *Garden - this is not a healthy relationship with alcohol and can get progressively worse from this sort of habit.
Yes you're anxious, I don't think that's unreasonable. You're worried about him. He is showing scant regard for your feelings.

I'm self employed and work my arse off. DH works his arse off too but doesn't finish work til 9pm at the earliest (Inc weekends) so if I want to go out I have to get a babysitter so it's not going to be as often.

Shefeedsyou, sounds like you were in a very similar position to DH. Need to wake him soon as I need to go do a few hours work.

January I think the point is more that if she weren't so 'controlling' as a result of her anxiety, his drinking might be less.

They are both adults and they both have to take responsbility for the behaviours in their marriage. He is not automatically in the wrong because he is the man. And she is not automatically the 'victim' in the right because she is the woman.

Sometimes there is fault on both sides. She is being advised to seek treatment for her anxiety/depression and to talk to him when he is sober/not hungover, and she is calm.

She might find that if she sends him out of the door with a "have fun x" and then leaves him to it, he might return earlier and more sober than he does when he gets angry, stressed phone calls talking about divorce!

He is BVU not to do parenting before 9pm! is he unwilling to look after his own DC so you can go out?! How hypocritical.

I'm sorry Op but I think you drove him to get so drunk by your constant worrying about nothing and ringing him all night long when he's out drinking. I wouldn't put up with it.

Smiley for different reasons, he just had funny ideas about how women, and mothers in particular, should behave. But I think the thought process in response to it was probably similar.

What Surrey? He's at work?! He pulls his weight in the mornings and on his days off. Apart from these rare episodes he couldn't be a better father!

fc301 Levelling the "he needs to grow up" is unhelpful. Perhaps the OP needs to "grow up" and let her husband leave the house without following it up with aggressive phone calls etc?

I think they both need to sit down calmly and talk about how things have changed now there is a baby and work out some new family/house rules so that they are both getting 'freedom' and they are both taking responsibility.

If he continues after this and, actually, this is just the way he wants to behave and will continue to do so no matter what, then that is a different conversation/plan/decision.