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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Said something I regret

202 replies

smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 01:51

DH and I have one problem in our marriage. I get anxious when he goes out drinking and he stays out too late/gets too drunk. It's turned in to a vicious cycle as I don't want him to go so he has started lying to me about it. Tonight he was going out with a colleague after work and said he wouldn't be late (finished work at 9pm). I rang him at 1am and we've had a massive row on the phone ending with him saying "I just want to be able to go out and have some freedom!" And me replying with "well maybe you need a divorce then!" He said "fine" and hung up and now his phone is turned off. I'm now in bed, unable to sleep. Neither of us want a divorce! But this argument happens every few months and I don't know what to do. We are both in the wrong and both need to change I guess. Arghh I don't even know why I'm posting. Just feeling very sad right now Sad

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 28/01/2017 19:16

Yep offside totally with you on this.

OP you don't want him going out drinking? Ever? It's so controlling!

If a women posted that her DP doesn't like her going out or kept calling he would be called at best controlling and worst ea.

ofudginghell · 28/01/2017 19:39

Totally agree with offside here as I've said in my posts.

Deal with your own issues of anxiety etc etc and then you will realise that your actions are creating a reaction that's doing neither of you any good and causing an unessessery rift in your marriage.

Let him have a bit of him time and you choose a hobby of your enjoyment to focus on.

I love my dh to absolute pieces and always enjoy his company (the little time we get together due to both working full time with three dc)so I would never sabotage his time out. As harsh as that sounds it's what's happening.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 20:22

Those of you that are just not being very nice now, go away. Me and my DH have discussed things and we are both happy with the outcome of the conversation. Nowhere have I ever said I don't want him to go out. All I ask is for a bit of respect, that he doesn't get totally wasted and doesn't completely lie about when he would be coming home. I'm sorry if you don't agree but to us a marriage is about caring about the other person and wanting to make them happy, I am suffering with anxiety and depression so if my DH can help that by having a 4/5 hour long night out and coming home merry drunk as opposed to totally shitfaced after a 8+ hour night out then he's going to try. I also want him to be happy and understand part of that is going out with his mates, I don't think (and he actually agrees in the light of day) that coming home before he's totally wasted and after a good few hours socialising is detrimental to his night.

OP posts:
Chelazla · 28/01/2017 20:43

Op people are disagreeing they are t really being nasty

offside · 28/01/2017 20:47

I don't think anyone's being you ask for opinions and you get them.

I get the impression that this aspect of your relationship is all about you, and making you happy. I suspect your DH is telling you what you want to hear. You can't dictate another persons social life to them because your depressed, only you can deal with those issues and maybe a starting point would be to make it easy for your DH not to "lie" to you.

Also, how do you know coming home before the wouldn't be detrimental to his night? How do either of you know what he is going to miss when he goes home, and the conversations he isn't going to be able to join in with with his mates the day after.

Stop dictating to him and maybe he'll Starr being upfront with you and you can both relax knowing that you're being open with one another. Otherwise, this situation is going to keep repeating itself.

offside · 28/01/2017 20:48

Being "no nice" that should say.

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2017 20:59

Omg, I've been with my husband for nearly 28 years, since I was 19, if either of us expected the other to not get occasionally hammered with mates and that we had to be home at what the other decided was a reasonable time we were "allowed out till" our relationship,would have been over years ago.

I'm assuming op you didn't have these controls in place before he married you. You didn't dictate how much he was allowed to drink or how late he could stay out, and you didn't control him to this level and then say it was all about your anxiety and that's why you were so controlling.

I'm sorry but as an adult, I could not live with a man who attempted to control me in this manner and I would not expect my husband to either. Seriously we are talking every couple of months here. He has to be home when agreed, he can't change his mind or be late? He's not allowed to be overly drunk? Honestly , you need to seek some help, because this is not any way to be in an adult relationship and I genuinely believe your marriage will not last.

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 21:02

I know my husband and he was genuinely sorry this time, as after reading all the helpful responses I tackled it in a different way and we both stayed calm...winner.

Because when he stays later than a few hours he's so pissed he can't remember anything and feels awful the next day, his words.

OP posts:
Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 21:06

I don't get this attitude of I should just let him do whatever makes him happy even if it makes me miserable? We have come to a solution that in principle suits us both. And yes, I have always been like this, but he loves me. We have been together 7 years, married 3. I guess it's got worse as the vicious cycle has continued.

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 28/01/2017 21:23

Its great you're discussing it calmly op. I do think it still seems unfair, and very much about you, sorry!!
You say yourself it's not often he does it. He's going to say he won't now, he's hungover and won't want a row.
Next time he's out, having fun and his mates are heading to a club etc, it may well be different. I'd give him the option if he wants to stay later, just to text so you know, that way he's not thinking he can't or that you will be phoning if he's not back by 12.
That said, my parents never told me to be home by a certain time. So the concept of a partner doing so is alien to me!

Chelazla · 28/01/2017 21:30

Op I don't think you're being fair to the people who have replied to you and definitely not to dh but as you don't want negative comments I'll leave it there

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 21:39

It's not that I don't want negative comments. I took all comments on board and me and DH have come to a solution that is hopefully going to work for us both. Believe me, he's not one for apologising unless he really thinks he's wrong. I had said we are both in the wrong and in a marriage you work together to overcome the problem, not just let one suck it up and be miserable. I think we've come to a happy medium and so does he. We'll see, maybe I'll report back in a month with the same problem and will deserve the I told you so 's.

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 28/01/2017 21:43

It always surprises me the lack of tolerance in here for so many things but the idea that 'letting your hair down' is fine, where letting your hair down entails getting so drunk you are vomiting and shitting and pissing yourself. In addition the idea that drinking should get you out of doing what you previously promised (e.g looking after your children) as if it were an illness.

Personally I could not tolerate this on a regular basis. It is juvenile, disrespectful and highly stressful if you are the partner.

offside · 28/01/2017 22:22

Larry, the OP herself said it isn't regular and no where did anyone say getting drunk beyond control of bodily functions is acceptable.

gollygoodnessgraciousme · 28/01/2017 22:29

To me, this kind of behaviour every month or so is regular and is unacceptable. Both in the wrong. Can see how it's become a vicious cycle.

offside · 28/01/2017 22:39

It's not every month though, the OP said it's every other month or so. But even if it was once a month, I don't think having a late night 12 nights out of 365 nights is a regular thing. But I guess we all have different opinions on it.

And OP, it isn't a happy medium though, it's all just what you want and expect. I do hope your DH isn't just paying lip service and you won't be here with the same problem in a few months, but I suspect he is, as would most people in this situation as he obviously can't win.

RestlessTraveller · 29/01/2017 00:55

I think you're horribly controlling. I appreciate that this is because of your mental health but that changes nothing for your DP. If I was him I would be leaving.

user1484539497 · 29/01/2017 01:51

You want to tell an adult they can only go out alone for 4/5 hours on a rare night out? That's controlling.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 04:20

If her dh comes home by around 1am, he retains his bodily functions, is able to engage in family life the following day, he can drive his car the following afternoon and can generally be a responsible partner and parent.

If her dh comes home later than this, he comes home, pisses all over the carpet and/or bed and vomits everywhere, stays in bed till 6pm, is verbally abusive if she tries to get him up and is unable to function as a partner or parent for the whole day.

Alternatively, her dh stays out late, doesn't make it home, ends in hospital fighting for his life either through alcohol poisoning or for being at the wrong place at the wrong time by getting punched and hitting the deck. Or down the local constabulary arrested for drunk and disorderly.

Her husband is unable to control himself. Isn't it normal someone, who loves him wants him to step up and when he doesn't, acts as op does?

To those, who say op is controlling, how else could she deal with the situation?

iamavodkadrinker · 29/01/2017 07:56

You're a controlling nightmare. Turning on the waterworks to make him obey.

larrygrylls · 29/01/2017 08:04

If you have to care for an adult baby every time your partner 'goes out for a few', it is understandable if you become nervous and controlling.

LostSight · 29/01/2017 08:47

The original poster said No, he goes out every week or so but the argument happens probably every other month

This isn't the OP ruining every rare night out for her husband. He goes out every week. Now and then he gets drunk and comes home late and she gets anxious. Is that correct smiley?

I hated when my husband did something similar. It meant I couldn't rely on him and because he too lied, it led to trust issues around him going out and I don't suffer from anxiety at all.

I'm glad you managed to have a chat with him OP. I hope he genuinely means it and that you can find a way to relax when he's out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/01/2017 09:07

iamavodka

I see you ignored my post and went straight for abuse. Are you going to answer the question?

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 09:08

I've re read the op's posts and can't see any mention of the thugs your saying Mummyof
He didn't get up with the kids as he should, but offered every morning for a week and was up by 12 for op to work.
He said he couldn't remember where the bathroom was, but op didn't he pissed and vomited everywhere. And no mention of him being in trouble with the police or going to hospital.
I'm only young so op's oh's night out seems tame to me. For my parents and their friends 30's/40's and most having younger children. I don't know any that don't have a big night every month or so, usually coming home 3/4 am.

Emboo19 · 29/01/2017 09:09

Things not thugs! typing while breastfeeding!