Said something I regret

[smileygrapefruit]

DH and I have one problem in our marriage. I get anxious when he goes out drinking and he stays out too late/gets too drunk. It's turned in to a vicious cycle as I don't want him to go so he has started lying to me about it. Tonight he was going out with a colleague after work and said he wouldn't be late (finished work at 9pm). I rang him at 1am and we've had a massive row on the phone ending with him saying "I just want to be able to go out and have some freedom!" And me replying with "well maybe you need a divorce then!" He said "fine" and hung up and now his phone is turned off. I'm now in bed, unable to sleep. Neither of us want a divorce! But this argument happens every few months and I don't know what to do. We are both in the wrong and both need to change I guess. Arghh I don't even know why I'm posting. Just feeling very sad right now

Yourface I agree with you there has to be some level of respect
If I've gone to bed at 10 and am woken at 3 by him stumbling around I'm furious/ it's not on!
He has to sleep in spare room if home late ! But really I do listen out for when he comes home before I can totally rest !
But if I go out and come home late I also head for the guest room!

People seem to be reading their own experiences into the OP.

She doesn't ring/text him constantly while he is out- she rang at 1am, because he had said he wouldn't be late. When would be a sensible time to ring and see what is going on? If I wasn't home at 1am, when I said I wouldn't be late, I would want someone to check I was ok.

He isn't 'never allowed out', she doesn't want him to have any fun... He goes out every week, but once a month it turns into a blow out without him letting her know.

There may be more to it than she is telling us, but from her posts she is not being unreasonable.

I'm only ok with it as I know he isn't dangerously hammered and will always find his way home safe and has friends that will also ensure that
Perhaps that's the difference

Shefeeds I only replied with that comment as I found Ruby's comment a bit annoying!

Bottom line is, controlling when someone goes out, who they see, etc is seen as a red flag for EA. That doesn't change because it's a woman doing the controlling.

If you don't like the way a person behaves in a relationship, end the relationship. Don't try and change them.

Buster I found Ruby's comment annoying too but I used your words to make the point. Sorry, it wasn't clear!

he doesn't have an alcohol problem in the fact he doesn't drink every day or anything but when he goes out he can't control himself, he can't stop and come home when he said he would and just goes crazy

I think that's pathetic tbh, having to get drunk to enjoy yourself.

Relationships need love, respect and trust. Your anxiety is hurting the last two of those factors.

Your anxiety - is key here - you need to get it treated. You shouldn't be projecting your issues onto your partner.

You should both have equal opportunities to go out and enjoy yourself.

You will drive him away if you keep this up

I really can't believe people think it's ok for a grown man to go out and get so smashed off his face he can't even remember where his own bathroom is.

Would you be saying the same if he was getting smashed off his face on drugs?

*shefeedsyoureaandoranges I take your valid points on board.
But ... based on the info in the original OP I think some of these posts are overly harsh. Justifying his binge drinking by blaming it on her anxiety. We feminists haven't really come as far as we think have we?

Exactly

Several people now saying she's driving him to drink.

Thanks shefeeds.

Pickle you're right, every one reads their own experience into it, but that means the op can take the relevant bits of advice and other's experiences and reflect on her own situation.

That's the same with every thread on here.

*Bottom line is, controlling when someone goes out, who they see, etc is seen as a red flag for EA. That doesn't change because it's a woman doing the controlling.

If you don't like the way a person behaves in a relationship, end the relationship. Don't try and change them.*

This!

Bibble it would appear the the Ops husband got pissed off and did it to maybe spite her, if she had left him to enjoy his night I expect he would've had a few and came home happy and tipsy not pissed off his head.

Pretty sure the ops dhs "binge drinking" has been exaggerated. He sounds like a pretty normal 30 something man with a family and responsibilities who once every few months (according to op) likes to have a bit of a blow out and stay out late/ he isn't cheating or doing anything illegal.
My husband is a CEO and does the same. I have a responsible corporate job and also do the same from time to time. We both ensure there's no worry about safety and also never feel the need to check up when we are out. It is also understood that whoever stayed home will get up with the kids the next day ! I'm ok with this as I get my fair share of lie ins and there is zero "punishment" ever!
I fact I encourage the monthly (maybe not even that often !) blow out as his job is very stressful
I also enjoy the night at home watching my crap tv
The point is if you're both respectful and not controlling then why is there an issue ?

fc I see your point but it's not about blaming a woman for a man's behaviour, it's about saying, "you are both behaving badly, get it sorted"

If she sorts her behaviour and his behaviour still stands, then he is obviously the problem. But whilst her behaviour is also in question, it has to be 6 of one and half a dozen...

And living with someone else's anxiety is, frankly, a pain in the fucking arse!

Not sure if this is relevant, but does he check in or give you an eta? I've also had problems with anxiety and used to ask my ex just to text me if he was going to do a late one so I wouldn't worry. He always promised but never did, and then I'd worry in the early hours that he was lying in a hospital somewhere because he wasn't answering his phone. Maybe if he sets out the type of evening before hand, that will help because you'll know what to expect? Doing a bender when it's your turn to take on the kids is just rude tho.

*his turn ovs

it would appear the the Ops husband got pissed off and did it to maybe spite her

That's even more pathetic, is he four years old?

No Bibble he's a grown man treated like a 4 year old on every occasion he is out of the house with a beer in his hand. Yes it is a bit pathetic but after X amount of years I don't blame him!

I'll repeat my question - would people being saying the same thing if he was getting smashed off his face on drugs "out of spite"?

It's not drugs though is it Bibble, so it's totally irrelevant to the post.

Bibble probably not, no. But then many people will have a glass of wine or a beer on a night out to enjoy themselves; or when they get in from work to mark the end of the working day; or on a Saturday night to relax... drugs aren't consumed by society at large genereally in such a casual or accepted way. So it's not comparable anyway.

I agree that getting so drunk you don't know where the toilet is, or can't get up to look after your children, isn't great, but if he is enjoying a night out and she calls to chase him up, I can see the frustration. The "FFS, even on my night out I'm not free from it".

That doesn't mean she should suck it up. And I don't think anyone has suggested it. What most people have said is when you are calm and he is sober/not hungover, talk about it.

It really isn't any fun living with someone whose anxiety has to be managed down constantly and it can mean that when someone gets a break from it, occasionally they might think, "woohoo!" and go off the rails a little bit.

I'd be concerned if this were a regular thing. And I wouldn't be happy with the level of drunkeness, but just getting in at 3 once every couple of months or so a bit the worst for wear isn't really hurting anyone.

And as for the OP only having half an hour's sleep due to anxiety, that really is an issue for her to manage, not one for her husband to manage.