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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Said something I regret

202 replies

smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 01:51

DH and I have one problem in our marriage. I get anxious when he goes out drinking and he stays out too late/gets too drunk. It's turned in to a vicious cycle as I don't want him to go so he has started lying to me about it. Tonight he was going out with a colleague after work and said he wouldn't be late (finished work at 9pm). I rang him at 1am and we've had a massive row on the phone ending with him saying "I just want to be able to go out and have some freedom!" And me replying with "well maybe you need a divorce then!" He said "fine" and hung up and now his phone is turned off. I'm now in bed, unable to sleep. Neither of us want a divorce! But this argument happens every few months and I don't know what to do. We are both in the wrong and both need to change I guess. Arghh I don't even know why I'm posting. Just feeling very sad right now Sad

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pictish · 29/01/2017 19:39

I wouldn't be at all pleased if my dh got so pissed he wet himself...but neither would I make rules regarding his social life as result of a singular occasion either. Shit happens and we move on.

Chelazla · 29/01/2017 19:46

Op getting in at 2am wouldn't bother me at all. I don't thing that's overly late. Passing out on bathroom floor again not overly fussed- rather that than snoring near me. Covered in pee obviously rank but as long as he didn't pee on me id come to terms with it. Although I'd tell him he was a scruff. But I'm assuming this is not every time? That its happened once?It seems a justification of your controlling behaviour. Waking kids up would really annoy me if I'm being fair.

offside · 29/01/2017 19:56

OP, you haven't said what YOU'RE going to do to help the situation? You recognise you have anxiety, are you going to get help and change? Your DH seems to be the only one who has said he will change.

LostSight · 29/01/2017 20:07

Offside, the OP has stated she has previously had counselling and been on ADs and said it's probably time she goes back to the doctor.

A friend of mine had a daughter die of choking on her own vomit when drunk, leaving behind two young children. I can't understand all those who think it is no big deal to regularly go out and take that unecessary risk. I know we all take risks, but some are just foolish.

offside · 29/01/2017 20:21

But that isn't committing to anything like her DH has. She has said she probably will - what if her DH had said he probably will come home when she wants, I don't think she'd find that acceptable. She needs to make an effort and a commitment to changing, relationships are about compromise and working together, her DH is playing his part but so far the OP hasn't shown any inclination or motivation to get up and find help.

picklemepopcorn · 29/01/2017 20:31

It's not happened once! It's frequent, unplanned, unpredictable, about once a month.

pictish · 29/01/2017 20:47

What is?

TreacleTreacleLittleStar · 29/01/2017 20:55

I'm sorry but going out and getting wasted when you have young impressionable children is wrong in my opinion. As a parent, you're meant to lead by example. And when you agree to become a parent, you're agreeing to leave those days behind and focus on your kids. I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourself, but I believe that actually getting drunk is wrong when you're a parent. Regardless of whether your kids are miles away from you or not. You are what you do. And I don't care what anyone says, if you've been drunk the night before, you will NOT be fit to be looking after a child the next day. Even without a hangover, you'll still have alcohol in your system.

I know I'm going to get destroyed on here for saying this but it's my opinion, I'm entitled to it and nothing said will change that. Flowers

pictish · 29/01/2017 21:02

If you say so. Confused

picklemepopcorn · 29/01/2017 21:11

Pictish your words: but neither would I make rules regarding his social life as result of a singular occasion either.

I said it isn't a singular occasion, it's regularly.

pictish · 29/01/2017 21:21

OP says he makes it a late and drunk one every few months. What once a month event are you referring to?

pictish · 29/01/2017 21:28

The singular event i was talking about is the time he pissed himself btw.

smileygrapefruit · 29/01/2017 21:28

I said about every two months. Probably on average every 7-8 weeks.

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smileygrapefruit · 29/01/2017 21:28

No, he's pissed the bed twice.

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Roomba · 29/01/2017 22:06

You can't live like this. I know because I've been there myself. No matter how much I tried to just ignore his stupidity and go to sleep, I lay there dreading the key in the door, or worse, the phone call. Occasionally the bloodied nose (as he was a twat when drunk and wound people up), or the night in the cells. And then dealt with the fall out the next day (or three) as he was incapable of doing anything.

Even if he did come home at a reasonablish time, there was always that smell of him in the bed next to me... booze and fast food seeping out of his pores... I almost had a panic attack recently when I had to sit next to someone who smelled like that on a train. I split with my ex almost 4 years ago!

I'd love to be able to give you some practical advice on how to stop him doing this, but the only suggestion I have is to stop picking up the pieces. Make him deal with the consequences. It's his turn to be up with the kids - make him do it (go out if necessary). Make him clean up any mess. No picking him up in the middle of the night, washing sheets and clothes ruined, don't cover up for him socially. If he's been drinking, he sleeps in the spare room/downstairs/at a mates. I don't go out and get hammered because I know I'd have to deal with it afterwards, with a hangover. Your DH gets away with it other than a row every so often. This is obviously worth it, in his mind.

Other than this, all you can do is take care of yourself first. Get counselling and antidepressants if you need them. Harden your heart a bit and arrange things so that his drinking doesn't impact on everyone else (this is hard, I know, as it feels like you're saying I don't care if you drink too much, I'm not going to get upset and bothered by it and change all my plans for you). Only your DH can actually change his drinking habits, hope he does so before he loses you all.

Chelazla · 29/01/2017 22:36

Twinkle twinkle getting drunk when you're a parent is wrong?? Well I'm a bad parent and so is every single person I know! For the record my kids have never seen me drunk ever. I never come home to them as I only go out once every 4-6 weeks if I have an over night sitter. They've seen me hungover I'd say 6-7 times in their life and think it's fabulous as I'm weak and will agree to stuff like letting dd do my make up and lots of hangover food. They've seen their dad drunk. They think it's hilarious and get him to agree to literally anything they want for example the rabbits that now have residence in our back garden. There is nothing wrong with having fun. We aren't bad examples, you sound like an example of someone incredibly uptight!

TreacleTreacleLittleStar · 30/01/2017 00:57

Chelazla That is truly heartbreaking.......You're risking raising drunken yobs. How can you expect your children to respect you when they see you behaving like that?

I'm sorry but if I was in your vicinity I'd be raising concerns with SS. Asking their opinion. Somehow, I doubt they'd disagree with me. In fact I know they wouldn't!

That is utterly disgraceful behaviour as parents

Topseyt · 30/01/2017 01:28

OP, I don't think his behaviour is fine at all and I am surprised anyone apparently does!!

I couldn't be even in the same house as someone who got so drunk that he pissed himself, pissed the bed and passed out on (and pissed himself on) the bathroom floor.

I wouldn't even have him in the spare room as he would almost certainly piss that too. If he came home that shitfaced he would be told to stay out.

Maybe that is just me, but I couldn't be doing with what you describe at all. I've seen it at arm's length in my BIL. It wasn't pretty and didn't get better over the course of his marriage (now divorced).

I would issue that ultimatum. He controls or stops his drinking and recognises the problems his drunken behaviour causes or he leaves.

Oblomov17 · 30/01/2017 06:39

Lord save us from posters like Treacle. Who want to make a referral to SS: 'Emotional abuse is the persistent emotional maltreatment of a child'.
Hmm

picklemepopcorn · 30/01/2017 06:53

Seeing a parent drunk is a predictor for whether children will get drunk as adults. I saw my dad drunk once. They drank, but not to the point of visible clumsiness etc. I saw a bloke I babysat for need help getting into the house, and his friends had to take me home. I saw the odd adult get a bit sloppy. That's it. My kids have never seen me drunk. I did my stupid drinking phase as a student, then grew up.

Britain has a drinking problem. Drinking to the point of incapacity is a problem, for A&E, for police, for people who want to go out without being surrounded by groups of rowdy drunks. But hey, as long as they are enjoying themselves...

There was a really interesting programme on Radio 4 about the uk's drinking culture, that it is a learned behaviour rather than a direct result of the alcohol. I think it was called Carnivalia?

Oblomov17 · 30/01/2017 06:58

No one is recommending that anyone drinks so much that they get in a state. Or piss the bed. Yuk!!
This isn't ideal. Whether you have children or not!
And yes the drinking culture in the U.K. Particularly is very poor.
But to go as far as to suggest that SS would be interested in a referral? I disagree.

Iris65 · 30/01/2017 07:07

Getting drunk to the point of pissing the bed etc is unacceptable. Being a parent of two young children and getting into that state is also unacceptable.
That is a separate issue to going out drinking with friends.

RestlessTraveller · 30/01/2017 07:56

Treacle that's absolute tosh! Why would SS be interested in a family where there is always a sober, responsible adult in charge? The notion is laughable!

HarmlessChap · 30/01/2017 15:07

There are 2 issues at play here,

  1. controlling behaviour
  2. drinking beyond socially acceptable limits.

I said it earlier but if he's getting hassled while out on a night out by his DP then there is quite a chance that, in his already merry state, he's taking a rebellious attitude and drinking even more.

1st off she needs to find a way to stop the controlling behaviour, but she should also tell him firmly that if he gets so drunk that he is going to piss the bed or need help getting from the front door, he needs to kip at his friend's.

smileygrapefruit · 30/01/2017 15:41

Totally agree Harmless. We each have an issue and they are causing the situation to spiral. After talking with DH I'm hopeful we both understand and things are going to improve.

The not drinking because you're a parent is silly, we all need a release. But there's drunk and there's drunk.

OP posts: