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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Said something I regret

202 replies

smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 01:51

DH and I have one problem in our marriage. I get anxious when he goes out drinking and he stays out too late/gets too drunk. It's turned in to a vicious cycle as I don't want him to go so he has started lying to me about it. Tonight he was going out with a colleague after work and said he wouldn't be late (finished work at 9pm). I rang him at 1am and we've had a massive row on the phone ending with him saying "I just want to be able to go out and have some freedom!" And me replying with "well maybe you need a divorce then!" He said "fine" and hung up and now his phone is turned off. I'm now in bed, unable to sleep. Neither of us want a divorce! But this argument happens every few months and I don't know what to do. We are both in the wrong and both need to change I guess. Arghh I don't even know why I'm posting. Just feeling very sad right now Sad

OP posts:
Ledkr · 28/01/2017 08:26

I was married for 18 years to someone who would end up wasted at every social event. He'd piss everywhere, throw up all over the place, go missing, get beaten up, and so on!
I was "anxious" when he went out and dreaded wedding invites, Christmas do's etc.
Then we got divorced and I'm remarried to a man who can go out, get a bit pissed, come back home, piss or puke in the toilet, get into bed and sleep like the dead and get up slightly hungover.
He doesn't get beaten up by bouncers or disappear off the face of the earth.

Funny, I don't get "anxiety" when he goes out Grin

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 28/01/2017 08:27

He's married, he has kids, why is he throwing at you that he needs his 'freedom'

Confused I'm in my 40s, I have a professional career, I'm single now, but I was with my exh for 15 years. I also felt that I needed 'freedom' now and again, and I still do. What is wrong with that? I love my children and work hard at my job, but I still need to let off a bit of steam and forget the responsibliity now and again!

Wellthatsit · 28/01/2017 08:28

One thing that might help you when your DH is out is to have a friend over to distract you from the fact he is out and you are just left home worrying. I too get anxious in these sort of situations. It's a mixture of worry and fear about them, resentment that they seem able to switch off to that extent and anxiety about not feeling in control. I think taking back that time when he is out as 'your' time might help. Watch a movie, hang out with a friend, relax in the bath etc. Think of it as 'me' time as much as it's 'him' time iyswim

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 28/01/2017 08:28

But, Ledkr what you're describing with your ex is not what the OP is describing with her partner.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 28/01/2017 08:29

Good idea Wellthatsit.

Expat38matt · 28/01/2017 08:33

For goodness sakes everyone deserves a chance to let their hair down / my husband does it once every few months and I enjoy the night of watching shit tv alone. I wouldn't dream of being so embarrassing as to harass him by phone - since I trust him - and I also would allow him the luxury of sleeping it off the next day. He also has the same respect for me when I have a rare girls night that goes late. As long as I'm home safe he wouldn't be asking my whereabouts during the night.
I actually find his friends who feel they have to lie to their wives or they're breaking their "curfew " behave way worse/

BusterGonad · 28/01/2017 08:35

I agree Expat I would die of shame and embarrassment if my husband rang me all night long when I'm out with my friends. I too just like the Ops husband would turn my phone off

Expat38matt · 28/01/2017 08:37

Also to be fair having read other posts I know he doesn't get so out of it to not make it home or get beaten up! I also know his mates are such that they all ensure they get home ok
So it's also respect from the person going out. If I end up staying out later than I said I will text my husband so he won't worry

Expat38matt · 28/01/2017 08:39

Some of his unhappiest friends are the ones who married a fun girl who turned boring ! One of them even called the pub they were in to track him down
I vow never to be that wife
I'm more likely to be the one wanting to carry on!!

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 28/01/2017 08:40

Yes, but he doesn't do that! He says he'll be home at 12 for example, and I wait til 1am to ring (then he gets mad and stays out til 3!). Is that really that bad of me?

OP posts:
RubyWinterstorm · 28/01/2017 08:42

If you go out every week and get that serioisly drunk you DO have an alcohol problem, so no wonder you are anxious.

And men in relationships, with young children, blabbing on about "freedom" whilst they get drunk and disable themselves from looking after their families (getting drunk and hungover in the name of freedom Hmm) need to take a good hard look at themselves.

To be honest, his behaviour is crap. No wonder you are anxious.

I know that getting horrendously pissed regularly is seen as "normal" in the UK, by many, but I think it is not normal at all.

BusterGonad · 28/01/2017 08:45

I never give my husband a time I'll be home, if it's getting late I'll text him so he's not worrying about me. When my husband goes out I don't ask what time he'll be back, he's a grown man, sometimes he's back early sometimes late. I don't really care. I trust him so I'm not in bed worrying about it. I enjoy the time to myself.

BusterGonad · 28/01/2017 08:46

Ruby he doesn't do it every week though does he. And yes us Brits love a drink. Get over it!

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 28/01/2017 08:47

Can you identify any differences between the occasions that he goes out and all is ok, to those when you end up having these massive arguments?

I do worry about DH's safety on some of his nights out, because he rarely drinks, and has a very long train journey home. He now texts to give an ETA, because sometimes I have just got to sleep when he gets in, then I am woken up, can't get back to sleep and would rather have stayed up until he got in, and it also just lets me know that he is ok.

Would an approximate ETA help you? You said that he told you he wouldn't be late but wasn't back by 01.00 which to me is late. I would have been concerned by that time. Would it help if he agreed to text you when he is leaving the pub or just once during the night to say hi?

Expat38matt · 28/01/2017 08:48

I think a large majority of women decide to become sensible and stop having fun once they have kids and then expect their partner to do the same. I see this in most of my husbands friends. They're all miserable and controlled by their wives. I just don't get it-it's ok to have fun when you're a parent but if you no longer want too why should your partner also stop?
I go out as much as my husband and we also go out together
We enjoy dancing and restaurants and late nights (some times) but it's ok as our kids always have at least one of us tending to them !!

Chelazla · 28/01/2017 08:50

I really don't think he's doing anything wrong op. He goes out once every few months. I go out with my friends for a big night out once maybe every month to 6 weeks and I'd be so annoyed of dh was ringing whilst I was out. If he was at it every weekend fair enough but he's hardly excessive. I suspect if you hadn't rang last night he'd have been home earlier and less drink.

Expat38matt · 28/01/2017 08:50

It depends - I've known my husband 15 years and he always says "it won't be a late one " and I've just learned to give a wry smile and know it really will be as it's his once a quarter blow out !!

RestlessTraveller · 28/01/2017 09:02

I've been in your husbands position. An ex of mine had depression and DPD. This is how things would pan out:-

At the mere mention of me going out he would kick up a fuss. I would think "fuck you" and go.

From the minute I left the house there would be texts. I'd think "fuck you" and ignore them.

If it got to after 12 he'd start ringing. I'd think "fuck you" and ignore him.

He'd keep ringing. I'd think "fuck you" turn my phone off and drink more, then decide I couldn't stand the screaming at me when I got home so I'd stay at my mates house.

The next day I'd put up with the incessant questions, the guilt trip and the screaming. This went on until one day I thought "fuck you" and left him.

Expat38matt · 28/01/2017 09:08

Yes restless because at the end of the day you're an adult and you knew you had the right to go out and have fun !

KateDaniels2 · 28/01/2017 09:18

Op why does he need a curfew?

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 28/01/2017 09:22

It's not about "Brits" getting drunk. It's about adults being able to choose how to spend their free time and to enjoy their free time in a relaxing way without it being imposed upon by an anxious or otherwise controlling partner.

I don't really drink or get drunk. But if I want to stay out till 2 or 3, then I don't see why I shouldn't If oit's an agreed night out.

I also don't get the whole thing about women 'growing up' and wanting to stay in with the occasional cocktail night and the resentment at having a partber who doesn't do the same.

I'm the same person I was at 20. I don't do the same things as I did then, but I am the same person with the same interests. Those didn't disappear just because I got married and gave birth!

HollySykes · 28/01/2017 09:22

I completely identify with you, I've wanted to post similar to you many times over the years but was worried that I'd be flamed. For me it's a strange mix of emotions on the one hand I trust my Dh not to cheat, I don't mind him going out, getting pissed, letting his hair down, I know I mean the world to him but on the other I can't relax until he's home, I'm madly anxious can't distract myself, go from. Worrying about him to feeling cross with him. We've talked about it many times, he's happy to agree to maybe texting a couple of times so I know he's ok, which helps but doesn't totally remove the anxiety. We've been together for twenty years now and we've I'm now having counselling, this wasn't the issue that brought me to the counsellor but it is something we've talked about and I am much clearer on the cause of the anxiety. For me it goes back to childhood. I've still got a way to go but I feel so much more balanced and believe that in time it will be resolved. I'd hold fire on the ant depressants and find a counsellor to help and in the meantime be kind to yourself and honest with your Dh.

YourFace · 28/01/2017 09:23

I can empathise as my husband is similar. He goes out a lot, I go out a lot. The difference is I know my limits and slow down if I'm getting too pissed. He doesn't. He never has to put up with me crashing into the house, tripping up, turning all the lights on and sleeping in s diagonal whilst stinking and snoring my head off. I fucking hate all that and it stresses me out and I'll literally get no sleep. He did it this week, but vomiting like a teenager. The kids heard. He does this once every 2- three months but goes out a lot more than that, but it's the not knowing that stresses me out. I don't want the kids seeing and hearing it, especially when one is getting to the experimental age, although he is adamant he never would get like that.

It fucks me off so much but because it is not super frequent it isn't in LTB territory.

I don't want him not to go out, I just want him to go out and be normal and come back warmly buzzed rather than hammered and to know that would be the case. If that were to happen every single time, I would stop dreading his nights out. I'd even allow for the being hammered if it was every 2 years and didn't involve him occasionally coming back pouring with blood.

KateDaniels2 · 28/01/2017 09:23

Posted too soon.

So in my situation if i was going out i would tell dh i was going be back by, lets say 11pm, as that would result in him being less shitty about it. Then i would be out and enjoying myself, but knew if i rang and said i was staying later he would get shitty again. So i didnt. Then he got shitty anyway. But after a few drinks it seemed easier to put it off. But having to be hone at a certain time when i didnt want to be made me feel like a child and pissed me off.

Living with someone who is insecure and has anxiety is exhausting. My advice would be stop afreeing he will be home at a certain time. If he is going out just let him go out. You end up getting into crap cycles where neither of you are behaving in a great way to eachother.

If he can go out when he finishes at 9pm, why can't you go at that time?

YourFace · 28/01/2017 09:26

Sorry don't know if that made sense. He gets ridiculously and sometimes dangerously hammered every 3 months but goes out every week. In between times he gets normal merry but I never know what to expect.