My marriage maybe over?

[Intricatelysimple]

My 'd'h and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12 with 3 dc. From the very start he was a controlling bully. Your stereotypical street angel house devil. I have tried many times to end our marriage but there's always been something holding me back, kids/finances/insert reason here.

Anyway from reading these boards I have managed to get some strength from the great collective wisdom of you fabulous ladies and have decided after the most recent episode that enough is truly enough. I have little real world support as I have no close friends - as is typical for when married to such a man. I get along fine with my family but we wouldn't be close enough to discuss our more personal problems.

After a quite minor incident last week I felt it was the straw that finally broke the camel's back so to speak. He's bewildered and is treating me as if i'm crazy. He went so far as to tell me "I need to get over my mid life crisis". And that was the kindest thing he said. However I know he realizes he's gone to far so now enter Disney Dad the greatest dad there ever has been! He cooks, he cleans, he does homework, he speaks in a lovely respectful, interested voice to the dc asking all kinds of lovely questions about how their day has been. He shops! Groceries! Wow this is truly amazing. This man has been in my house all this time and I didn't know it! I must be so foolish not to have noticed. Oh how we'll laugh about all of this in the future!

Of course not.

This is the act and I have to admit it's good. Probably the best performance yet. I should call the Academy Awards people and get them to put him on the list. The very tippety top of the list cos this is really good. But I'm not fooled. I can still see the seething hysteria in his eyes when I dared to go out with some work colleagues over Christmas and stayed out until the ungodly hour of 1am. After 5 hours of ignored texts and phonecalls he was waiting outside the restaurant we had gone to literally staking his own wife. That was pretty embarrassing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So thank you for reading. Writing this down has been cathartic. I'm seeing a solicitor next week and am starting the legal process. The real world process will most likely be much trickier but i'll get through.

Hi. I've being following this thread.
I don't comment much anymore, but felt compelled to after your latest update pudding
A lot of what pp have said resonates so much with me. I felt so much guilt for leaving my abusive ex. So much so, that I made myself stay until our dd's 1st birthday, because I wanted him to have 1 birthday with her, before I took her away forever.
The thing is, with hindsight, they rely on that. They crash around trampling everyone's feelings, (including dc's) but rely on you to do the right thing. They can set their watch by it.
It's totally unappreciated and exploited by them. They secretly, but not very, have contempt for you because of it. It is a weakness to them.
You really need to see how they see you. I'm saying this in the most caring way. I want you not to be treated like this. The best way to see it, is to imagine something they have done or said to you that was terrible, despicable etc, and then try to imagine in what circumstances you would treat someone like that? Try to muster up how you would have to feel and what you would have to think, to be able to do that to someone?
My ex, punched me, kicked me, smashed plates on my head and yet the worst of all was when he spat on me. 3 times he did that. I wouldn't spit on a dog, and yet I still felt guilty, still loved him, etc.
Its very misplaced and they don't even thank you for it, it makes them despise you more. They sneer at it.
I wouldn't wait till sat pudding
Why put you and the children through it for him? He won't thank you. And he's shown he will use manipulation techniques at the expense of the dc's feelings.
Wishing you all strong inner warrior feelings.
I'm 16 years free this year. I left cloak and dagger style, as he put his hands around my throat and threatened to kill me if I ever took his dd off him.
I've been on these boards for years, I've never seen anyone regret leaving an abuser, they only regret how long it took.

Howdy all. New username. Long story. I'd advise everyone on here who wants their threads kept private to go in to your settings and make sure all notifications are turned off. Will post update shortly.

Happy Thursday everyone!

Welcome innerwarrior! Great name

Beachbaby: thanks for your kind words.
sassandfaff: thanks for your advice, I am watching carefully how the mood is. My eldest is very sensitive, and I think if I change the plan now he will hate me for it, and lose his trust in me. I ma pleased to hear you escaped from an abusive relationship and you are happy and free, its great to hear positive stories after such shitstorms........

How are things now Pudding? The kids are in school. Are the 2 of you at home together?

Yes we are home together, I am in my office "working", he is doing the hoovering......

Kids are in school, youngest will be home at 3:30, oldest at 5:30. Two more nights.............................

Won't be long now till the cups of tea start! Wow hoovering. Are you sure he's as bad as you say

Two more sleeps as my kids used to say. Keep yourself busy until then.

Have to be quick but just to say good for you pudding you didn't capitulate, what an imperial douchebag, that was so manipulative and selfish it beggars belief.

Anyway, about your DC being affected by the his dramatics Don't know if this will suit you as we all have different ways of communicating with our DC but...in cases of extremely irresponsible behaviour like that I take my DS aside when his Dad isn't there and give him my opinion on it without any detail obviously. I never slag xh off but I don't let it go either as you don't know how they interpret some things in their wee heads... I get him to take a break from playing so he takes me seriously and say I want to have an important conversation with him eg. "Remember the other day when daddy was really upset with mummy? Well, I want to be sure that you know that I am cross that Daddy chose to behave that way. When grown ups disagree they should talk to each other respectfully and not upset their children. If you ever want to ask a question about things like that please don't keep it to yourself. Mummies and daddies look after their children not the other way around. Do you want to ask me about it now?" He sometimes does. If it's tricky I usually end up saying that there are some people who just can't agree and in that case it's better to be apart so they don't argue. I just want him to understand that we have a choice about how to behave even if we feel strongly about sth. He seems to have got it now but I'm waiting to see how the teenage years go as xh will probably jump into that emotional opportunity head first...
Sorry if that's something you did already I just found it very empowering to give them my view. It's not re-writing history the way EA people do it's about transforming the guilt.
Anyway you're a star stay strong x

Oh pudding21 I'm so sorry. From what you've written about him I can't say I'm surprised at his behaviour, but what a disappointment, what a weak man, that he has to manipulate his children in this way, with no thought at all for their feelings. It's more proof that you're doing the right thing in leaving him. Roll on Saturday, and here are some more , not much concrete use I know, but I hope it helps to know that we're all rooting for you.

I hope it goes smoothly for you. I got a little tipsy and fell down the stairs on my 1st night of freedom. I was a mess and took years to recover, but I remember how estactic I was to be free.
Good luck to you and to all the others.

I hear that you are struggling and I have been where you are. Some of you mention that your mothers switch off when you start talking about the problems in your marriage. They are switching off because all you do is talk about it.

I have read the thread and don't doubt the pain you are in. You should not be in these fucked up relationships and you know it. I know how hard it is to leave, I left with 2 infants and literally no money.

Stop talking about things he does and get the fuck out for the sake of your children if you won't do it for yourselves. Stop talking endlessly and comparing notes about whose husband is the most awful.

Think about the damage this shitfest is causing your children and get out. It isn't a soap opera and your children, pets, anyone in your awful situation is really suffering.

You nailed it in your first post about how awful he is, nobody including you needs any more evidence. Get the fuck away from him and protect your children.

Don't think that I don't know what you are going through. I was married to a narcissist like yours with the added extra of violence. Get the fuck out and stop talking about it and while you are at it lodge a formal complaint with the police.

Erm thanks, I think, EmeraldIsle . I know you mean well but to be honest projecting your own situation onto everyone else and deeming them all to be too thick to leave their abusive spouses smarts a bit. I'm really glad you got out when you did and i'm sure with the right supports many more women, not just the ones contributing on this thread will find their own peace. And no, I don't think anyone on this thread is staying in their marriages just for the drama

The focus of my post was about protecting children in abusive relationships.

mysinkingheart: thanks for the insight. I am pretty good at getting him to talk about things and like you say try not to bad mouth OH. I will bear what you said in mind :)

Loftella: thank you hope things are ok with you your end.

EsmeraldIsle100: its been very helpful posting on here, and thanks for your advice. i dont think anyone is comparing notes, more trying to gain support knowing others are having the same struggles. It isnt as easy just to say LTB. So complex in many situations.

So, another up in the roller coaster here. After our discussion this morning I asked if he was secretly drinking last night (I knew it, but he was pretending to be drinking herbal tea). He was, so explains his massive meltdown. He is now being very very nice and saying he will do anything to win me back (its probably too late, but I can't kick him even more). So i told him we need to just have space and see what happens.

He is also being seemingly sensible about the kids, and saying he will help me with anything I need etc. Even suggested he will carry on doing my washing and ironing.

I've explained to him about the kids, they need to have stability and routine, but we will decide that in a week or so what the exact arrangements will be.

Seems to be sinking in a bit with him. he said he wants to cook dinner for us all. I said only if you don't drink before the kids go to bed and try and keep a check of his emotions.

Lets see what happens.

I get what you're trying to say emeraldisle but it came across quite harshly. I don't think anyone would query that it is urgent to protect children at all times. But when the abuse is emotional and as insidious as this, sometimes building up over years people do need to talk about it to those who get it.
Of course the answer is to get out..I'm two years down the line and I know that 100%...but in these cases you don't trust yourself enough to do it without support, which means talking. I still need to talk about it even now.

The key is to stop talking, excusing, analysing the abuser and feel free to vent here, surely that's the best way to find a way out?

Hi Pudding. Glad to hear things have calmed down a bit and that he's willing to speak sensibly about things. He's probably still holding out hope that his good behaviour will change your mind. Keep going. You sound like your handling things very well. If he can keep a lid on his drinking then you may have some chance of keeping everything civil. I suppose all you can do is wait and see. Will be thinking of you. Don't be afraid to post again if it helps to keep your head straight. Good luck

Good to hear he's calmed down Pudding. Was about to write more, but was basically going to say exactly what Innerwarrior just said

Things are calmer here. Told H ten days ago I wanted to separate, which triggered hours of talking, and now massively improved behaviour on his part. For the first time in two years he is being nice to me. His behaviour change may be too little too late, but I've agreed to go to Relate to see if that helps. I still wonder how seriously he's taking what I've said to him and I know only too well that he may revert at any time. Only time will tell.

Hi Loftella. Glad to hear things have improved for you too. How happy are you about going to Relate? I suspect my husband is going to suggest counselling but i'm just not going there. We went a few times some years ago and he just managed to manipulate the whole session and make me look unreasonable. I'm never leaving myself open to that again.

I suppose for me something someone said upthread has really resonated and it's that I just can't forgive. I've spent years letting things go for the sake of getting things back to normal but all that hurt never went away really. I just buried it. Now I feel like i'm standing on a mountain of hurt and I just can't get over it as there's no real sincerity from him. Shit he hasn't even apologised! Just as usual expects me to move on without a word. I just can't do it anymore

Sinking well done for getting out, it isn't easy and you still did it.

I think that being harsh is needed. The posters on his thread putting up with abuse need straight talking. I was them and I know what they are putting up with. I was in denial and denial is a very real thing.

I get it that talking is crucial but the talking should include strenuous advice to protect themselves and their children. Their husbands are not going to suddenly change and become decent husbands and fathers overnight.

Some of them are stalking their wives and stalking is taken very seriously because it is an indicator of future acts of violence. We all know the statistics of violence against women and children perpetrated by abusive partners.

In my situation it was made very clear to me by Women's Aid that staying with an abuser would damage my children and I left for that reason. I am not saying it was easy because it wasn't one bit easy.

It's great to vent on here but women like you and I who have experienced the joy of living without an abuser surely need to get the message across that staying in abusive relatioships damages women and children.

Girls, I have been lurking here, & just want to add a little advice from an old timer. This current conscilliating behaviour, is fake & temporary. You know it, but be ready, the "circle" is coming round, & it will be violent, cruel, terrifying.
The threats will start, witholding money, screwing around with contact, threats of fighting for exclusive guard of DCs (particularly if there is a SAHF)
Once they see contrition is failing & you are really divorcing/leaving..... Then it is time to be Ice queen,
Hold on to your detached, one liners.
BEWARE & ger copies of all documents, house deeds, mortgage, savings,life insurance, pension, assets. & remove them from the house. Along with passports, birth certs & important docs
Any personal bank account, change the pass words, any joint account, remove half & put in your own account.
remember if you are moving out, to remove your name from utility accounts, phone, internet, & tenancy agreement.
CHANGE all your log ins, log out of any joint Whatsapp, fb, Cloud, computer & phone. (be sure there is no malware, find my phone or other spyware.)
This may seem a tad OTT.
It's not.

Good advice Mix. It does help to get some of the more practical balls rolling as it greases the wheels somewhat with moving forward. Thanks for that.

Emeraldisle, I truly know that your advice is coming from a good place. I don't mean to sound unappreciative but just telling someone that they need to leave a marriage that they already know they need to leave can be enough to undermine their self confidence. A bit like slapping someone across the face when they're hysterical doesn't help either. Every situation is different and yes some people need to get out fast - the faster the better. Some people need to get their ducks in a row and while that can be frustrating to someone looking on at the end of the day they have to live their life on the other side. Just saying there you go you're out now is sometimes not enough. Yes I agree where children are in real danger there needs to be an urgency. But it does come off a bit like you're telling everyone that they are terrible mothers. That will always make them more afraid of the decision they're about to undertake.

I am very aware of the complexity of leaving an abusive relationship. I was that women.

stupidly I forgot to emphasise, that copying the documents is because they go missing. & then are hard to get hold of when your SHL want details.
They must NOT be hidden in the house or car. Give them to your Mum, or friend, or keep at work place.
Also, while I'm thinking of it, anything precious, precious memento from Mum, or granny, favourite photo, 1st baby shoe. Anything that will hurt to lose, will be one of the first things to get broken or lost.

Please do not use "he is damaging your "mental health" more than necessary, this is the classic attack they use in court to prove you are deranged, nuts, unfit mother.

Prepare minimal detached phrase & repeat often (for unsupportive friends, parents the Dick himself)
"This is not working for me"
"I will need time to think about it"
"I will speak to my SHL & get back to you"
"No" (as in a whole sentence)
"Sorry, I am unable to baby talk you through this"

Avoid responding like a whip crack. Its too easy to get cornered, Keep all conversations by email/text, & keep the paper trail, avoid phone calls, it's too easy to get wound up & scream/shout/cry/lose the plot/say the wrong thing.

"One foot in front of the other" is your Motto

emerald straight talking helped me massively and I appreciate your strong position, it's good to have someone tell it like it is and a sharp wake up call is just what's needed sometimes.

But...I just worry that it might make some people feel guilty for not getting out fast enough..and when you already feel down and have been treated so badly that your self esteem is trashed then feeling even worse can make you freeze and not feel able to move.

I too would like to see everyone out of these relationships tonight. But I know how some of us need people to break the process down for us into manageable steps and gently tell you where you're going wrong. And we seem to share the view that it's about stopping giving the abuser so much head space and taking action.

Like you I left when I realised that staying was worse for DS than divorcing. But I needed MN, counselling and lots of RL support to actually pull it off as his behaviour escalated terribly when he realised I was serious. He punished me financially too and I'm still picking up the pieces now.

It's great that you're on here and it cheers me up to think it's possible to be so lucid. I guess it's not been long enough for me and I'm more in touch with how the pp are feeling.

mix56 wow I wish I'd had your posts to read at the time!

Hi Innerwarrior, I'm wondering which persona he's going to adopt when we go to Relate, and he'll probably dazzle the counsellor with his charm, but I have to give it a try. Am now going to name-change as I'm slightly concerned he might know my username. Would be nice not to spend my life feeling like I'm always looking over my shoulder.