My marriage maybe over?

[Intricatelysimple]

My 'd'h and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12 with 3 dc. From the very start he was a controlling bully. Your stereotypical street angel house devil. I have tried many times to end our marriage but there's always been something holding me back, kids/finances/insert reason here.

Anyway from reading these boards I have managed to get some strength from the great collective wisdom of you fabulous ladies and have decided after the most recent episode that enough is truly enough. I have little real world support as I have no close friends - as is typical for when married to such a man. I get along fine with my family but we wouldn't be close enough to discuss our more personal problems.

After a quite minor incident last week I felt it was the straw that finally broke the camel's back so to speak. He's bewildered and is treating me as if i'm crazy. He went so far as to tell me "I need to get over my mid life crisis". And that was the kindest thing he said. However I know he realizes he's gone to far so now enter Disney Dad the greatest dad there ever has been! He cooks, he cleans, he does homework, he speaks in a lovely respectful, interested voice to the dc asking all kinds of lovely questions about how their day has been. He shops! Groceries! Wow this is truly amazing. This man has been in my house all this time and I didn't know it! I must be so foolish not to have noticed. Oh how we'll laugh about all of this in the future!

Of course not.

This is the act and I have to admit it's good. Probably the best performance yet. I should call the Academy Awards people and get them to put him on the list. The very tippety top of the list cos this is really good. But I'm not fooled. I can still see the seething hysteria in his eyes when I dared to go out with some work colleagues over Christmas and stayed out until the ungodly hour of 1am. After 5 hours of ignored texts and phonecalls he was waiting outside the restaurant we had gone to literally staking his own wife. That was pretty embarrassing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So thank you for reading. Writing this down has been cathartic. I'm seeing a solicitor next week and am starting the legal process. The real world process will most likely be much trickier but i'll get through.

Omg OP I was about to start a new thread about my stbxh and when his Disney Dad/husband mask would slip and then I found this!
I think I am living the exact same life as you (barring the following you around bit which is really creepy)
I told him around a week ago that I had had enough of his verbally abusive/intimidating behaviour and that I want a divorce. We have also been together 20 years, married 12 and we have 2 dc. He was physically violent in the first few years but then stopped that as I think he realised that realistically he wasn't gonna be allowed to get away with that so it sort of morphed into 'just' verbal and emotional assaults. Anyway after a week or so of awful verbal stuff, threats to me and the kids about how he was gonna tell them and ruin me financially (all the usual shit) he has turned into Disney dad/husband! I suppose I am sort of enjoying the peace for now (we are in separate beds so there is no denial of the situation from him) he is offering to make tea all the time, interested in the dc and what they will eat for their next meal, offering me lifts everywhere and generally being there everywhere I turn round offering to somehow make my life easier. He has just now got out of bed and taken some washing downstairs and worked out how long it will take, he is speaking to me respectfully and kindly I don't think the dc know who this guy is that has moved into the house! So this guy has actually been here all along!!! Who knew that he did really have control over the disgusting things that came out of his mouth after all...
I have my bets on 1 week of this till mr nasty comes back... til then I'm enjoying getting cups of tea on demand

Please will you talk to the police now about the fact you have told him the relationship is over and he is ALREADY stalking you. You need to report it every time you have evidence of it so you can get a non-molestation order asap.

That is not the behaviour of a "safe" person, you can get the number for your local DV police unit (not sure if it is called the same everywhere) and speak to them and ask for advice/help and start logging these frightening incidents.

Been there. Was abused for 23 years. Good behaviours after I'd complained never lasted for long. I'd get a cup of coffee in bed for a couple of days or the dishwasher would be done and he'd be nice and ask if I wanted to do something particular and then it would be back to walking on glass. I rarely went out, he would make it so hard to leave (he'd cause a row before or lie on the sofa being depressed) or he'd sulk when I got back and then claim it wasn't sulking, he'd been on his own and it was just overwhelming when people returned to the house! Basically, if I tried to do anything for me, I'd pay for it, somehow, be it bad behaviour, ignoring, constant texting.
I have a support worker from WA now, and that was a revelation as well as an enormous help, couldn't cope without her, do contact them for support, they're amazing. Oh, and they've heard it all before. My support worker would predict his every move with alarming accuracy, they really are that predictable!
Good Luck!

Also, please note, you can do a non molestation order without a solicitor, it can cost nothing or up to about £50.00. Call the National Centre for Domestic Violence and they will help you with it. A wonderful Mumsnetter found this for me and I managed to get it all sorted and it didn't cost me a penny, just ten minutes in court.

My OH said to me a few months ago- there must be someTHING else.........it cant just be I treat you like shit.

Well, now I am speechless!!!!!

Thanks to everyone who'e responded. It's really helping me to see my life through the perspective of others. I've minimised the behaviour for so long and just shook off each episode and moved on. I suppose I thought I was doing it for the children's sake because I couldn't control his sulks or moodiness or when that would end but I could control my behaviour. When he decided that i'd been punished enough then normal service would resume and sure i'd be churlish to continue the row right?

Well now I've truly had enough and he knows it. I've had more home cooked meals this week prepared by him than in our whole 20 years together and that makes me even madder. The fact he could have done this all along but chose not to. He even had the fucking cheek to have a glass of wine poured out beside my dinner last night after telling me that I have a drink problem 3 nights ago! Well that went down the sink. And that's not me sabotaging myself. I know he thinks if I just settle back into my usual routine then we'll never have to mention this again.

Anyway I'm not wasting my anger, i'm directing it into action. I'd love some advice from you wise ladies who've been down this path before as this is the point I usually falter. My plan is as follows:

1. Make an appointment to see a support worker through Women's Aid. I rang a few days ago and they said they couldn't see me for 2 weeks. This threw me a little as I was ready for action and felt this was an obstacle. Now I know that I can wait and will get the support I need even if it takes a little time.
2. Second step is to find a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

In the meantime i'll lay low and avoid confrontation if I can. I have to try to not get engaged in the madness. Thanks again for all of the kind words and support.

What is it about the cups of tea/coffee?!
I'm starting to wonder if he's putting something in them...

Get had ball rolling ASAP (that's what I've done). But then be prepared for stalling and time wasting at every opportunity.

My STBXH is currently only being pleasant to me in front of other people. Esp the kids. If we are alone in a room he glares at me, won't respond if I talk to him or grunts.

I really feel for you intricate when the scales fall off and you see them for what they truly are, it's incredibly hard to go back without causing harm to your self.

I'm weeks ahead of you. But the behavious are/were much the same. I've spent the last 10/11 months second guessing myself and minimising his behaviour. With the support of my lovely councillor, - God, I don't know where I'd be without her, I opened Pandora's box petitioned for divorce at the end of November.

He knew our marriage was in dire straights, he spent all summer promising the earth, husband/ daddy of the year in front of everyone, trips abroad. Behind closed doors nothing had changed which made the decision easy, he'd only attended one councilling session, whilst continuing to minimise his sexually abusive behaviours, our marriage still was very much on his terms any attempt to equalise it was met with resistance. He threatened to kill himself if i left. As callous as it sounds, I was beyond caring, I told him not to be so stupid!

Here and now, we're still living together until we complete our sale in a four months. He's still playing mind games. Cooking, cleaning and engaging with the kids like he should. He's fought against the divorce at every step. I'm a sahm, he knows he's out to loose a lot financially. He's giving up work, 6 figure salary, I'm not cynical at all! This is the man who will take a sarnie from his toddlers hands before she's had a chance to eat it! His selfishness knows no bounds. My name has been dragged through the mud, he's used the children to manipulate me when nothing else has worked. It's been pretty shit. BUT, I can see the light at the end of a very long tunnel.

YY avoid confrontation at all costs. Avoid discussing it at all. Get your ducks in a row. Apply for your full entitlement of benefits. And be prepared for the emotional onslaught. If he's anything like my STBXH he will goad you to the point of being hysterical then stand there and tell you you're mentally unstable, unable to cope etc.

If he's anything like my STBXH he will goad you to the point of being hysterical then stand there and tell you you're mentally unstable, unable to cope etc.
So often. I have a thread under a different name where he made me look completely unstable in front of his psychiatric nurse!

Dawn I hope you've managed to find a way out.

I've been really taken a back by how closed off he's been. Apart from the crocodile tears we had, were he was trying to convince me to stay there's been no emotion at all. Completely blank faced throughout.

Another one of his past tricks; I'm having an off day for whatever reason. Im tired, I just want to be left alone for an hour or two. Him sensing this, becomes clingy, needy, paws at me until I snap. He then sulks for the rest of the weekend. Then it's me who has to grovel apologise.

I assume most decent husbands would bring you a cup of tea then take the kids out for a couple of hours to allow you to recharge? I'm past the point of trying to make sense of it all. This time next year, he will no longer be my problem!

Hi Bamboozled.
I can totally relate to the goading. I've lived with this for years but he still manages in the heat of the moment to push my buttons under the radar so I snap. Then i'm the bad guy and he's Mr Calm. No more. I am so not interested in discussing our problems that it's like a new found freedom. In the past I would have been desperate to explain how I felt in the hope that he'd see my perspective and maybe, I dunno, apologise? How stupid was I? The truth in his eyes he is/was NEVER wrong. Well the time for explanations is in the past. We've had the same conversation so many times I could tape record myself and play it back every time. Nothing changes. Well nothing used to change. But change is coming and i'm in control this time. I've taken his power away because frankly I don't care how he feels anymore and i'm focused on one goal and that's to get him out of my life. Good luck with your divorce and your future. I'd love to hear from you how things are going because I suspect i'll walk exactly the same path as you. Well done for getting down it ahead of me

Bamboozled, I'm out of it now and whilst there is still stuff going on, I'm getting plenty of support.
Intricately stay detached, it'll do you favours in the long run. It's hard, but keep going, and keep posting, there are some amazing posters on here, tough, but knowledgeable and always there for you.

Pleased to hear you're determined to take action intricately Your plan sounds a good start. I actually got my lawyer through a free half hour appointment organised through women's aid. It was good because I felt he understood the situation I was in without me needing to try to convince him etc. It is so great once you get a solicitor involved. They can make things happen very quickly which is frightening, but it does save you agonising over it for ages etc.

Women's aid will be great too. They are so awesome, but are totally underfunded which may be why it's feeling slow.

I would totally recommend doing their Freedom course if you can. But I realise timings and childcare can make it difficult. It was so wonderful that I'm going to try and do it again when my youngest starts school. I was the only one in the group who was still in the abusive relationship (although I was trying to leave) all the others had left, but were using the group to help them heal.

Otherwise you have probably seen these books recommended: 'Why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft
And 'living with the dominator' by Pat Craven. I secretly read them both when I was planning to leave.

The main problem for me - and others in our position is usually housing. Because unlike normal marriages- when you separate the abuser is unlikely to move out and leave you the house!!
I had to get several family members to help me - which took a really long time and loads of effort on my part.

It is a very long and tricky road, and the pay off at the end is that you're a single mum living on benefits. But on the other hand you have a clear head, and can do crazy things like go to an exercise class when you want to.

I hope I haven't sounded too down for you. I'm still having a hard time with it all myself as divorce no where near finalised and he's got all my money still. But saw him today and unbelievably happy I don't need to live with him any longer

Oh wow I so needed this thread.

intricately I know exactly how you feel. After having the conversation a fortnight ago he has once again become an amazing man I always wished he would be. I don't think this helps as it makes me more resentful. It could've been like this years ago instead of walking on eggshells!

I've not once had to sort the kids on my own. He has been here constantly and is being so considerate and not having a go or saying anything nasty. It does make you question your decision. But then I know we've been here a million times before. The difference this time is I don't love him anymore and so I'm strong enough this time to make it happen. Still feel like a bitch though especially to my 3dc!

thepennyshop I wish I had been a little more sneaky on the housing front. He's tightened his control on finances, refuses to give me a few grand out of the sizeable savings pot to pay rent in advance. I just thought like any other normal human being, wishing to keep things amicable with the mother of his children, he'd move out to make this process a little easier. How wrong was I!

I didn't find WA particularly helpful. They were keen to get me out. In my own mind I don't see my situation as bad enough to require their assistance and it was just too big a jump into the unknown. I will do the freedom program at some point.

I'm sending you strength and good vibes intricate. Use that anger to drive you through this. I imagine my divorce will take a long while yet. A fair bit of complicated financials to detangle, properties that will have to be sold, unless his parents bail him out, like i said he is resisting at every single step.

Four months til I move into a little flat, just me and my girls. And furiously trying to get my head round our money situation, I'm on the cusp of being offered a job as a housekeeper. Flexible hours, fits round the kids school/preschool and gives me a much needed income, which he won't be able to control. I'm going to keep quiet about it, it will be a handy little safety net for when I move. Plus I'll be able to claim working tax credits which will help. Feel free to PM if you need.

Just leaving this here for anyone who is going through this. Be mindful of the power/ control cycle.

Hi all

Well I'm still here and thankfully nothing about my thinking has changed. Dm86 I totally get how you get sucked back in. We spend years focussing on their good bits and ignoring the flaws in the hope they'll just disappear that we are really ready to accept the honeymoon phase (thanks bamboozled for the visual) when it happens. It's almost as if we think that if we wait long enough the real lovely side of them will show. Unfortunately it never lasts and all the promises in the world on their part can't make it last cos it's an act and no-one can keep up any act forever.

Thepennyshop I also get where you are. I stopped myself leaving so many times as our lives were so messily interlinked (business/property/family stuff) that I just couldn't see a clean exit and rightly or wrongly felt staying was easier than untangling that mess. I do feel a bit stronger now as we don't work together anymore. Although everything else isn't so simple the fact that I don't have to work with him and I know he earns enough to support himself makes it much easier for me to end it. I know he can't use the excuse of not being able to afford a rental place of his own. It sounds really lame but often pity was the main reason I never made him leave in the past. I wouldn't have wanted to see him with nothing and no-where to go.

Dear God give me strength. Today is my only day off work so I have to suffer his "niceness" all bloody while trying not to look like a surly bitch in front of the children. In spite of not speaking, other than his outburst about the gym the other night, he has proceeded to spend the day speaking to me as if nothing has happened! "Do you want coffee", "did you see x on twitter". He's also outside rodding the fucking drains as we speak. Every so often he'll tap on the window and ask me politely to flush the toilets please. This is a man who wouldn't diy to save his life and caused world war 3 at the thoughts of an IKEA flat pack. Please help me keep this together!

Intricatelysimple: how was your weekend? Hope it was bearable. Saturday I had a day with the boys and a few friends at the cinema and pizza (not with him he didn't offer to come despite it being for my nearly 9 year olds birthday).

We had his friend stay over, who doesn't speak any english (lovely lovely sweet boy) and he started shouting at me in the morning for something insignificant, then tried to blame it on me. Then the same happened in the car taking his friend home. He said to me " i feel like you have something to say, so just say it"......I said nothing as I didn't want to argue in front of DS's friend. I haven't said anything yet, I am being pleasant but when we have chance to talk about it I will. Its totally over for me.

He can't control himself for even one day. He doesn't have any understanding of how uncomfortable that might make our children and children's friends might feel, him shouting at me in another language.

I also realised he never ever apologises and it is always me that tries to smooth things over.................do you do that? To keep the peace? I am always the one that tries to talk about it, and make myself look like I was in the wrong, when I am not waking up to the fact I rarely am.

Do you ever feel like you "cause" the arguement? Cos I never start it..........

Keep up the good work.

PS. Once question, and you will all probably be horrified, but I still sleep with him.....do you? (two reasons, I do still enjoy sex with him and it keeps his mood more even).......

Hi Pudding. I'm sorry to hear you had such a horrible weekend. That was really nasty of him and of course he knew full well you wouldn't retailiate as you had company. Do you think he was deliberately having a go at you cos he knew he could? This behaviour absolutely stinks. I bet he doesn't treat anyone else the way he treats you? In a way that's part of what is helping me to get some clarity in my own mind. I spent so long agonising over every argument trying to think if maybe I did do or say something that may have caused it. What I now remind myself is that in my nearly 40 years on this earth I haven't had a stand up argument with anyone else. Only him. It's his choice to turn a difference of opinion into a megastrop. I know i'm a reasonable person and I bet you are too. There's only so long you can spend appeasing him. I sometimes wonder if maybe he has a mental illness that makes him unable to empathise. See trying to find a reason for him again. The truth is he chooses to treat me like this. He doesn't do it with anyone else. There must be some kick to be gained from the control. I just don't understand it.

To answer your question regarding whether we still sleep together or not then the answer is yes. I see it as a normal part of an adult relationship and of course enjoy it. I have never used it as a bargaining tool or a form of reward or punishment. However he does control that too to an extent. He hates if I make the first move and will frequently reject me if I do. As time has gone on I look forward to sex less and less as I feel the closeness and intimacy is no longer there and it's just about getting it out of the way so to speak. I suspect porn use on his part as his tastes have evolved shall we say and I frequently have to ask him not to do certain things. He always stops when I ask but that doesn't mean he won't try again the next time so I suppose i've lost some trust there too. A good sex life is based on wholly trusting your partner and that's not 100% there.

My weekend wasn't fun. Yesterday was my only day off and I have to say being in the house with him badly affects my mood. Thankfully I have never suffered from depression in my life but I definitely feel mentally unwell being around him. His forced over the top cheeriness in contrast to my pretty obvious upset is to me like a massive 2 fingers. He is literally acting like nothing is wrong. I went to be early last night and he proceeded to come into the bedroom and cheerily whistle while getting ready for bed. It was like he was going to force his mood on me whether I liked it or not. I took some deep breaths and just ignored but I have to admit it is hard not to take the bait

So now I have to plan. I expect he will resist every effort on my part to separate so I just need to steel myself and go ahead with it.

It's so good to have this as an outlet. I have no-one else in my life to talk with this about and sometimes I feel like my head will burst so thanks for taking the time to respond

Intricatelysimple: are you sure we are not living with the same man? F**k they sound so alike. Today he is barely talking, as little as possible. Usually when this happens I bend and start being overly nice to him just so the atmoshpere disappears.

I am relieved you also said you are still sleeping with him, because I was worried I am giving him the wrong idea. I know if I stopped, within a few days his mood would be so terrible that it might actually be the catalyst to say "ENOUGH"!!!!!!

I too am feeling like my mental health is suffering, I am analysing other relationships in my life, and starting to get quite anxious. I feel my authentic self has almost disappeared as I behave in ways to make sure I don't upset him. i don't want the kids to see that or feel that either. I am also thinking I am going slightly insane, one minute wanting him to go back to how he used to be (it wasnt always bad) and anger with him for pushing this on us as a family. I know he would say its all my fault, as he has no insight.

Oh, did I also add he likes a drink? (and hides it?). So messed up...if you met us, you wouldn't imagine all this goes on. probably the same for you.

To answer your question: I hate conflict, I hardly ever argue with anyone. He is the only person who treats me like he does. I feel like everyone else respects me, except him.

Lets keep writing on here, and hopefully help each other! Keep strong.

Well isn't that the truth? It isn't all bad. If it were all bad then we wouldn't hesitate and be out the door without so much as a backwards glance. It's the good times that are so discommoding. And yes if you met us you wouldn't have a clue as to our problems and probably wouldn't believe me if I told you. You see he comes across as soft spoken, sickly sweet, butter wouldn't melt nice. I'm nice (I think anyway! lol!) but am more direct and certainly think I come across as someone who doesn't suffer fools. I run my own business and seem....confident I guess.

I stopped trying to change his mood a long time ago. I just let him stew but that doesn't stop me from asking what's wrong and trying to point out how unfair his treatment is. I certainly never apologise if i'm not wrong (which is most of the time). So it can seem like a battle of wills but the truth is he's the one in the wrong 99.9% of the time.

And regarding sex again yes I do agree to avoid a mood. There's only so many times you can say no without it turning into huffiness. Though regular sex can improve his mood it certainly isn't a guarantee that he won't turn sour for some frankly fucking ridiculous reason

And no my h doesn't drink. It's about his only positive and probably why I was attracted to him in the first place. You see there's a lot of history of alcoholism in my family so it was great to be with someone where drink was not an issue. Probably the reason I overlooked many of his negative behaviours to be honest.

At the moment I feel like i'm having to put a lid on all my anger. I feel like a lot of things that have happened in the past that I never really got over have started to rear their heads. I wake up really early in the morning replaying past arguments and am so sad for the person I once was. I feel like she's someone else. I'm the support act in the movie of my husband's life when I should be the star of my own. Does that make sense? I gave him so much love, trust, caring. I waited at home with the kids while he travelled the world whether it be for work or going abroad for friend's stag parties (I'm looking at you New York). I stupidly thought that if I treated him how i'd like to be treated he'd reciprocate. But it turns out I can't even be trusted to go to the gym. I'm a wimp. A failure. I've wasted my life and feel very very sad about it. I'm even sad about our marriage ending because I put my whole heart and soul into it but it wasn't appreciated. Anyway onwards we go. I have many more good years to give and if i'm lucky then maybe in the future i'll meet someone who'll really appreciate them. And if I don't then that's fine too.

Take care

I hear you about giving it your all and wanting to be the star in your own movie. I think perhaps that is an age thing for me too, I hit 38 last year and started to think WTF is all this about. Its like my clock is telling me, you have a good lot of life left to live, do it an be happy.

You sound a bit further down the line than me, I am almost there. I know I don;t want to carry on like this, I know he won't change, so its going to happen, just when?

Chin up

I'd be very suspicious he managed to find you at the gym... Have you checked your phone for tracking apps he may have sneakily downloaded on your phone? Or if it's an iPhone isn't there a "find my phone" feature he might have activated?

He sounds like an insufferable arse, it's stressing me out just reading what you're going through! Stay strong!

Hi Chops. No I don't think he's tracking my phone but rather i'm pretty predictable now. The town we live in isn't very large so if he wanted to find me it wouldn't be difficult unless I went to the bother of parking my car miles away from where I was going. I actually left my phone at home the night I went to the gym so i'm pretty sure he just drove around till he saw my car. And yes you're spot on. Insufferable Arse is now another one of the names i'll add to the arsenal in my head