My marriage maybe over?

[Intricatelysimple]

My 'd'h and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12 with 3 dc. From the very start he was a controlling bully. Your stereotypical street angel house devil. I have tried many times to end our marriage but there's always been something holding me back, kids/finances/insert reason here.

Anyway from reading these boards I have managed to get some strength from the great collective wisdom of you fabulous ladies and have decided after the most recent episode that enough is truly enough. I have little real world support as I have no close friends - as is typical for when married to such a man. I get along fine with my family but we wouldn't be close enough to discuss our more personal problems.

After a quite minor incident last week I felt it was the straw that finally broke the camel's back so to speak. He's bewildered and is treating me as if i'm crazy. He went so far as to tell me "I need to get over my mid life crisis". And that was the kindest thing he said. However I know he realizes he's gone to far so now enter Disney Dad the greatest dad there ever has been! He cooks, he cleans, he does homework, he speaks in a lovely respectful, interested voice to the dc asking all kinds of lovely questions about how their day has been. He shops! Groceries! Wow this is truly amazing. This man has been in my house all this time and I didn't know it! I must be so foolish not to have noticed. Oh how we'll laugh about all of this in the future!

Of course not.

This is the act and I have to admit it's good. Probably the best performance yet. I should call the Academy Awards people and get them to put him on the list. The very tippety top of the list cos this is really good. But I'm not fooled. I can still see the seething hysteria in his eyes when I dared to go out with some work colleagues over Christmas and stayed out until the ungodly hour of 1am. After 5 hours of ignored texts and phonecalls he was waiting outside the restaurant we had gone to literally staking his own wife. That was pretty embarrassing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So thank you for reading. Writing this down has been cathartic. I'm seeing a solicitor next week and am starting the legal process. The real world process will most likely be much trickier but i'll get through.

Atticasilver: i know its frightening and I'm still scared, but do you want your son to leave his teenage years thinking its ok to be a shit to someone regularly and have that person stay in your life. Think about his future relationships. I'd say at 14 he is fully aware of how OH can be to you and he probably hates it. I have a good relationship with my parents, but their relationship was quite similar to mine, my dad was highly critical, a bit of a hitler and was mean/ cruel to my mother when he had a drink. She is still with him but trying to leave. That has ingrained on me, that people should stay and fight in a relationship.

Have a think about that, why you continue to stay and be treated badly. I am not saying that there isn't good times, of course there is. And then there is the emotional attachments. Its a minefield. But if you stay and your heart isn't 100% in it, it wont get better, it may just get worse.

Big hugs (()) Hope he isn't being too much of a shit bag.

Thanks for the advice everyone, I haven't told him anything yet. Yesterday he sent me a text to say he was feeling very low. I just replied "one day at a time remember". I feel like I want to know how he is, but I don't want to make him think I am going to change my mind.

Its a tricky one alright!

Pudding, so true about the parental relationship being a model. My dad was highly critical, angry, domineering, my mother wishes she'd left but acknowledges she won't now (and it helps that he has improved in recent years and in many ways has always been very supportive of her in practical and financial ways, unlike my H). You're right in everything else you say: DS does see what's going on, my heart isn't in it, and it probably will just get worse. My problem is that I get my thoughts straight when I'm away from H, but when we have conversations and he turns the blame on me and tells me how awful it will all be (on reflection, he only ever mentions how awful it will be for him, never DS), I crumble. I never used to be this weak but I WILL get stronger.

Attica: That is why, you maybe need some space, so you can decide. I have had moments of clarity the last few days, moments of doubt still. I still love him, despite that he has destroyed my self esteem and confidence. On the outside people think I am a very confident, independent woman, truth is I don't feel I am.

I question now all my interactions with people, I feel like I am saying or doing the wrong thing. I have great supportive friends and family, but I still FEEL like that.

Funny because most of my friends and family come to me for advice, but when you are in your own situation, its difficult to gain perspective.

Me and OH still had a reasonable sex life, I still like him, I still love him. But essentially he doesn't give to me what I give to him. Resentment in a relationship is toxic. I don't feel he is a bad person, he has issues but I can;t fix everything this time like I always have done.

Stay strong.

pudding you sound amazingly perceptive.
He has issues you can't fix. He can't/won't fix..... QED

Morning all

How was everyone's Valentines day? To be honest I didn't even register it was Valentines.....anyway. Seems to be a few strange threads on Mumsnet the last few days. Is it a full moon.

I am going to see exOH in a minute as the boys are staying there tonight and need to drop some stuff off. Yesterday he sent me a text saying " I'm heartbroken, the days and night seem so long without you all here. Due to the date I wanted to make a grand gesture but thought best not to. I really do love you so much". Two things, he didnt ask how I was, and he always hated Valentines day because " its all commercial bullshit".

Youngest DS yesterday had a bit of a moment, he's been seemingly taking it all in his stride but on the way to Karate yesterday said "Mummy I don't know whats wrong, there is something in my brain that feels strange" and started to sob. My bleeding heart :( He is fine today. And slept well.

Hope everyone is good.

Oh bless him! He will be ok, though. Stay steadfast and consistent in the way you deal with this and he will be fine, honestly. ( I work with young children and I've see this many times). He needs you to be strong and you are being strong.

pudding, you bet, he is sitting at home listening to the silence, realising the heating didn’t come on by magic, no comforting background hum of kids, the dinner on, & his clothes still in a pile, or whatever.
Yep, he is there thinking “Oh shit, this is what my future looks like now”, poor me.

I’m sorry DS had a wobble, but like you he will need to time to get accustomed.
But watch out, XH will try to reel you back in, with promises of going to counselling, remorse & tears, & specifically saying DS is hurting, DS is crying, Ds asked if he can fix it, & DS wants to come home. these hooks will go directly to your heart.

But remember he has SHOWN you who he is. You didn’t leave he pushed you out. It wasn't sudden it was years of continual unpleasantness & abuse.
So be strong, things will get easier, slowly but surely.

& pudding "I know I don't want to carry on like this, I know he won't change",
This is your posts on 30 Jan.
If you wobble, go back & re read the thread.

Thanks mix56: great advice!

So i went round, he had thoughts about how we should split the time with the kids (this was after when I arrived he was speed skipping....seriously!). He suggested every Wednesday and every other weekend. Plus in ten days is almost like half term here so he will have them then.

I suggested that would only mean 4 days out of 14, but if he is happy with that and so are the boys, it will do for now. So now I know which weekends I am free, already planned for my BF to come visit :)

I gave him a hug (aI wasn't squeezing tight) and a Portuguese kiss (one each cheek) and he kept saying, I love you, I love you. I was actually smiling, he probably thinks its because he is saying all the right things, but actually I was smiling at the surrealness of it all. Every time I have left to travel for work over the last 3 years he barely turns his cheek to me to say goodbye.

Then he text me to say "wow, I wanted to tell you how stunning you looked today"..........FFS!

I'm not reeled in though, I just feel sad he couldn't have done this before. So I went and met my mate for lunch, had garlic prawns and a glass of wine at lunch time, and now I just changed my payment details for my salary.

Thanks again for the support ladies :)

Hey pudding I get it that you feel "sad he couldn't have done this before"...mine did that too and I too felt sad and...drum roll guilty for breaking up the family..as you have expressed too.

In hindsight, I regret not feeling angry that he chose not to do it before since he clearly knew all the right words and behaviours already.
And as for splitting the family up...noooo his behaviour and belief system did that. What you're doing is saving your sanity and by default saving your DC from an unhealthy model of what a loving relationship should be.

for you DS. Great that he feels he can open up to you and isn't "protecting" you by bottling it all up. I actually said to DS recently that just in case he didn't know it was up to parents to protect their children not the other way around. He gave me a withering look (he's 10 going on 15) like I've got it mum, give over. But I felt I needed to remind him due to xh's manipulative side. He's a wise little soul now.

Someone said upthread about it being bad for the DC to split but I really disagree as they're living in an unhealthy atmosphere and feel it without necessarily understanding it. I think children can thrive with one secure, kind, honest parent who has the strength to leave a bad situation. My parents stayed together for the kids and all it did was teach both me and DSis to choose the wrong guys and not know how to leave them. I love DS too much to pass that on. Not saying it's easy mind, but it's a very good reason not to give up.

Going to namechange when I get some inspiration, no more sinking hearts!

Thanks mysinkingheart. Looking forward to the name change (is that because of threads being in the media or because you don't want to be identified?).

He just text me to say he had bumped into two of our friends and told them we had separated. The saying he loved me. I am a bit taken a back to his behaviour and know that in time he will get angry again, but for now its a relief.

Your DS sounds like he is very lucky to have a mum like you . Off to buy a slow cooker now :)

My teenagers all asked me to divorce their father (he was that bad) so it was almost a child led divorce (as I had only been staying married for their sake anyway). I must say that made it an awful lot easier and life for the children has been so much better since the divorce. None of us regrets it even for a second.

My parents stayed married until death, for over 50 years unhappilly and it was NOT for the best. In fact my father offered my mother a divorce when he was abotu 63 but she turned him down - too long not getting on and she was used to how it was but it was like living a war zone. It was not better for any of us that they stayed together.

When she was dying (after my divorce) she even said to me don't hurry to remarry (I think she realised how many women are a lot happier once they have had their children if they are single as indeed many of us are)

Lol to slow cooker! Kind of meraphorical given your moving away from narc drama to peacefuldom

Watch out that he's not doing a victim show for your friends so they then think you're being unreasonable...sorry if I'm projecting but mine had a phd in confusing my friends and stripping me of my support network. I had to stop protecting him and start saying exactly what he was really like even to mere acquaintances in the end. "That's strange he's said all those nice things about me when he's treated me so badly for so long. It's too late now."

Name change idea is for my own sake. I feel like the sinking is wearing off and want something more upbeat to live up to.
Not saying I'm totally free as even today the sinking feeling came back when he tried to guilt me over sth. I ignored his text but the mix of anger and sadness took a good hour to wear off (he shifts the goalposts endlessly so the only answer is a resounding silence).

Maybe that should be my new name, "resounding silence" lol. The only answer to twisted thinking: ignore, leave.

Sounds like you're not letting yourself be manipulated

I hope everyone else is doing ok, strong baby steps

I'm concerned about the title of this thread. 'Maybe' over? OP you are me in another guise and may I plead with you to carry on now. Get out, rent a place on your own and leave once and for all. Some of these posts are so relevant to me, he can't accept that I've left because he's an asshole and can't believe I'm not seeing someone else etc. Promises to 'change' when I come back but still drinks a bottle of scotch a day while he waits. I could go on and on. Please do not waste any more of your precious time on him. I wish I'd acted 15 years ago and now I finally have done all my friends, and my dcs, say the same.

Mysinkingheart: great reason to change you're name. Thanks for your wise been there done that words. I thought I've been going mad at times, but support on here has made me push on and gain clarity.

The slow cooker fits right into the kitchen. My second purchase of the day's might take 6-8 days to arrive. Looking forward to that delivery. Not saying too much, but it's got rabbit on the name :) who needs a man!!

How's things going Pudding?

Hi beach baby. I'm ok, but up and down. I realize now quiet unhappy I've been and how much he's in my head every minute. Not in I miss you kind of way, but it a negative critical way. He's been uber nice though which is fucking with my head more to be honest. Went to see him and he cooked us all tea. But he's pushing me a little bit for an definite answer. I'm 99.9999999999 % sure I won't go back, but I need to get myself stronger first and give him a bit of time to get used to me not being there before I tell him. Kids have generally been good, a few moments of trickiness but we are ok. I'm loving the house though and having space although I'm mentally exhausted. I've worked all week and had the boys most of the time. I know I'll cope though, I have to right?

How are things with you? Any change?

Innerwarrior: come back we kiss you, hope you're ok.

Sounds like you are doing great, you should be so bloody proud of yourself!

It's awful when they play the Mr.Nice guy role, I've got that too at the moment!!! It plays tricks with your mind and you have to keep reminding yourself of how awful they can be! I've been doubting myself all week 😕

Saw solicitor, it was part good news but it's the sharing of DS and overnight stays that has me staying put for the time being. He's so small and never been away from me for any length of time......I can't bear the thought of parting with him when DH struggles to understand his basic needs on a daily basis and had to keep asking me what he wants etc. MIL is narcissistic and while I am here I can monitor and have input into amount of time she spends with him, I think if I go now DH will depend on his mother and my poor DS will be left with her (he cries when she goes near him at the moment!)

So I am stuck physically but mentally I am getting there and challenging myself daily to do things that ordinarily I would have been too scared to do because of the repucussions!

I agree with you though, my DH controls all my headspace, even when I'm not with him I have his voice in my head. Went to a friends house the other day and it was lived in and homely with washing drying in the dining room and my first thought was ' oh god DH woukd flip if this was our house' ....... Oneday you'll be free of him taking up so much of your time and energy (and hopefully me too!)

Hope inner warrior comes back.....x

Morning. I re-read this thread last night as the last few weeks have been a bit of a blur so thought I would come back and say a huge thank you for everyones support and advice during that time.

Update: I have been in the house 2 1/2 weeks and although days have been tough I am making good progress. i feel very happy here, much lighter and a whole lot more relaxed. I am starting to be able to focus on work a bit more and been talking to people a lot on the phone etc. The youngest is great, taking everything in his stride, sleeping and eating well. The oldest is having a lot of fear about his dad being lonely and sad. He unfortunately seems to be taking on a bit of an adult role with his father, who isn't holding back form them his feelings. They stayed with their dad over the weekend and Monday and Tuesday and are back with me now for a week. i am hoping I can bring some stability back for them and have lots of time for chatting, cuddles and love.

I still feel guilty, but I am firm and strong in my mind that I cannot go back. I haven't told him this yet, but I think i will have to soon so he can try and move on and deal with it like a grown up. I know he is broken, but its not up to me to fix him. I have to fix myself from all the damage he has done to my sense of self over the years.

Not knowing what the future will hold is a whole heap of scary but I already feel I am in a better place, and dare I say it I am feeling happier.

There has been huge swings in emotions, which I know is natural. Thanks again for the support and kindess it was a huge help.

Hey pudding, been wondering how you were doing since your rabbit post

It's hard but you're doing the right thing so hang in there. The swings in emotion are normal, as you have to grieve the relationship in a way, not him though as you'll be co-parenting and he will move on to a new phase. Great that you're not being swayed by guilt, this is not your fault. It's not about fault. Good for you showing you DC that you can feel sad for someone without sacrificing your own happiness.

Sending my love and solidarity. 🌈

Hi PinkGlitter: I read your thread, well done, hope you are ok. Be prepared for a roller coaster, take each day, each hour as it comes. That is my best advice.

Mysinkingheart: my package got lost!! The rabbit is now back en route ;)

I am feeling much better in myself, I know for me I have made the right decision. He is really struggling and I need to let go of the guilt. I am trying to get him to see the doctor as he needs some help. However he is still acting erraticially and I need to understand he will never think the same as me. He told me last night he would have the boys as planned this week then "they are yours". Not quite sure what he means by that, he is being an idiot. i told him he is their parent, they are not MINE. They are ours to take responsibility for. I just don't understand these men!!